"Why doesn't Eileen do something?"
A stricken look crossed Professor Donleavy's face.
"She says she won't have time, and asked me to take care of it. And I have no idea what to do."
I thought he was overreacting, but I let him drag me back to the house and he was right: the presents were taking over the house. The professor had started piling them in the dining room, and had run out of room. The living room was filling up fast, and some of the larger things were overflowing into the den.
"I wish Eileen had mentioned this," I said. "This would have been a lot easier to deal with gradually."
I promised him that I'd come around tomorrow to unpack and inventory the presents. So much for taking the weekend off.
Saturday, June 25
I was already in a bad mood when I showed up at the Donleavys' to unpack and inventory the presents. Imagine my dismay when the front door was opened, not by Eileen's father but by Barry.
"What are you doing here? I thought you were in Richmond with Steven and Eileen."
"Helped set up," he said, with shrug. "Don't need me till tomorrow afternoon. It's only two hours."
Wonderful. Well, if Barry was going to be underfoot, I was going to do my damnedest to see he didn't enjoy it. First I had him move all the presents from the dining room into the living room. Then I had him bring in a few at a time. I unwrapped them--what was wrong with Eileen, anyway? Present opening wasn't work unless they were someone else's presents--and made up an index card with a description of each present and the name and address of each giver. It took hours. Even Barry began showing signs of restlessness toward the end.
"That's it," I said finally. "I guess I should take the index cards with me; they'll only get lost around here."
I turned to leave the dining room only to encounter an obstacle. A very large obstacle. Barry's arm.
"Don't go yet," he said.
"I have things to do, Barry," I said, backing slightly away from the arm. "Let me go."
"Stay here," he said. I backed up a little further, against the dining room wall, which was stupid, because it gave him the chance to put an arm on either side of me. I looked up and saw on his face the unmistakable, slightly glassy-eyed look of a man who has made up his mind to make his move. The sort of look that sends pleasant shivers down your spine when you see it on the face of the right man. And on the wrong man, makes you mentally kick yourself and wonder why the hell you didn't see this coming and head it off.
"Don't even think of it," I said.
He reached up to take my chin in one hand. I put my hand against his chest and shoved slightly.
"Go away," I said.
He didn't budge. I felt suddenly a little afraid. Barry was so much larger than me, and stronger, and so aggressively determined, and Steven and Eileen were not around to provide a calming influence ... and then a wave of temper replaced the fear.
"I mean it, Barry. Move it or lose it."
He leaned a little closer.
I mentally shrugged, grabbed his arm with both hands, and twisted. Hard.
"Owwwwwwwwww!" he yelled, and jumped back, nursing his arm. Thanks to self-defense courses, I knew exactly how to do it. Thanks to my iron-working, I'm strong for my size. And I'm not small. Barry glared at me, resentfully.
"You didn't have to do that," he said, taking a small step closer. "What's wrong?"
I lost it.
"What's wrong!" I yelled. "What's wrong! I told you to let me go, and I meant it. Did you think I was kidding? Flirting with you, maybe?"
"Don't be like that, Meg," he said, taking another step closer.
I grabbed a candlestick off the buffet. A nice, heavy iron candlestick that wouldn't fall apart if you banged it around a little. I should know; I made it. I got a good two-handed grip on it and waved it at Barry.
"Come one step closer and I'll use this," I said.
Barry paused, not sure what to do. "Am I interrupting anything?"
I glanced at the doorway to see Michael. He hadn't adopted his usual pose of leaning elegantly against the frame with one hand in his pocket. He was standing on the balls of his feet, looking wary, alert, a little like a cat about to pounce. More than a little dangerous.
"Barry was just leaving," I said. Barry looked back and forth between Michael and me. I gestured to the door with the candlestick. Barry finally slouched out.
I put the candlestick down and sank into a chair.
"That was stupid," I said.
"I thought it was rather impressive. Remind me not to bet against you in an arm-wrestling contest."
"Yeah, I'm stronger than I look," I said. "Fringe benefit of my career."
"I didn't realize pottery was quite so strenuous."
"I'm not a potter; I'm a blacksmith."
"You're what?"
"A blacksmith," I said. "I work with wrought iron. That's my work," I said, pointing at the candlestick.
"I'm impressed. But obviously confused; I thought your mother said you and Eileen were partners."
"We share a booth and sometimes collaborate," I said. "Mother hates to tell people what I really do; she thinks it's unladylike."
"Ladylike or not, it's useful. I was on the porch and heard you telling him to let you go, so I rushed in to rescue you. Only to find you didn't need rescuing at all."
"I don't think he'd have gone as easily if you hadn't come along. Thanks."
We strolled out. Barry, fortunately, was nowhere to be seen. I'd be just as happy if I never saw Barry again.
Michael walked home with me and stayed for several hours, amusing Mother and me with his banter. I had the feeling, though, that he was keeping a lookout in case Barry showed up to pick up where he'd left off.
Which was silly. Barry was obtuse but not dangerous or violent.
Or was I being obtuse?
I pondered briefly how satisfying it would be to catch Barry red-handed with a blunt instrument in one fist and a tampered fuse in the other.
I suppressed that train of thought and tried to call Mrs. Thornhill, the calligrapher, a few more times before going to bed. I tossed and turned for a while, remembering the sullen anger on Barry's face when he left the dining room. I knew I'd handled the situation badly, but I wasn't sure what I could have done that would have turned out better.
Sunday, June 26
Samantha and Mother, having heard what I'd done for Eileen, insisted on the same service. Since their weddings were one and two weeks behind hers, respectively, they didn't have quite as many presents. Yet.
Pam had only seen Dad in passing, and Mrs. Thornhill was nowhere to be found. On the positive side, Barry made himself scarce.
Monday, June 27
By Monday, I was beginning to think that Mrs. Thornhill, the calligrapher, had skipped the country, taking Samantha's envelopes with her. At her rates, the 50-percent down payment Samantha had made would certainly cover plane fare to Buenos Aires, and probably a few nights at a moderately priced hotel. I decided to go over and confront her in person. If she wasn't there, I would wait for her. I could make use of the time; I took my clipboard and my notes for another batch of the thoughtful, warm, personal invitations Mother wanted me to ghostwrite for her. I wasn't sure how early to go--I wanted to catch Mrs. Thornhill before she could disappear for the day, but not wake her up. I finally decided on eight. If she hadn't already missed her deadline I might have given her till nine. If I had to go a second time, I'd go at seven. Maybe six.
When I got there, I saw Mrs. Thornhill's car parked in the driveway--somewhat carelessly--and heard a television blaring away. I'm in luck, I thought. She's home. But as I walked to the front door, I noticed half a dozen copies of the Daily Press scattered on the lawn and a Jehovah's Witness flyer stuck behind the screen door. Perhaps she wasn't home after all. Perhaps she left the TV on at top volume to discourage burglars. If so, her neighbors would be ready to strangle her when she got back.
I rang the bell several times, and since the
television kept me from hearing whether it worked, knocked a few times for good measure. At last some impulse inspired me to turn the knob. The door was unlocked.
Had something happened to Mrs. Thornhill? I had laughed at Dad's melodramatic suggestion when he made it, but what if he was right? Could that be why she hadn't answered any of my calls this week? Was I about to walk in and discover a horrible, bloody corpse?
Nonsense, I thought. But still, I braced myself before carefully reaching to push the door open--
And hurriedly jumped aside to avoid a tidal wave of cats. They swarmed out of the door and scattered to the four winds. About a dozen of them, I thought, although it seemed like more. I waited until they were out of sight ... waited a little longer while one extremely fat cat waddled slowly out, hissed at me, and disappeared into the bushes. Then, very cautiously, I entered the front hall.
There were still cats left indoors, and the place reeked of cat urine and fish. Two or three cats wound themselves sinuously around my ankles, and several others scattered from my advance. There were sedate cats sitting at the top of the stairs, and half a dozen playful kittens scampering up and down.
I peered to the right into a dining room that was more or less empty of cats, but filled with debris. Empty catfood cans strewed both the floor and the mahogany dining room table, which they shared with a number of Royal Doulton plates holding crumbs of catfood. I went back through the hall into the living room and found Mrs. Thornhill. She was on the couch, unconscious, with a gin bottle in her hand, and half a dozen cats draped companionably over various portions of her body, some sleeping and others washing whichever parts of her or themselves were handy.
Oh, please, let her have finished the envelopes before she started drinking. Or at least let her have left them in a safe place. Somewhere the cats couldn't get to them.
A prayer destined to remain unfulfilled. Scattered among the cats, cans, bottles, and plates in the living room were a number of cream-colored envelopes. I began gathering them up.
Most of them were in the living room, though a few had migrated into the kitchen, or upstairs into the bedroom. She had gotten as far as the S's, unfortunately. The lettering on the A's was absolutely gorgeous. B through D were a little less precise, but still had a kind of aristocratic dash about them. By E she was definitely going downhill, and I could only guess what names some of her late scribbles were intended to represent. Unfortunately, the envelopes that had been completed first had also been lying around longer at the mercy of the cats. I couldn't find a one that hadn't been chewed on, slept on, peed on or blotched with fishy-smelling grease stains. The blank envelopes were a dead loss; several of the cats had used the carton as a litterbox. I made sure I collected all forty-seven pages of Samantha's guest list. Thank goodness I had numbered the pages. I thought I still had a copy somewhere, but with my luck Natalie and Eric would have used it as kindling.
Having gathered up all the envelopes and list pages and deposited them, as appropriate, either in my car or in the overflowing trash can, I turned to consider Mrs. Thornhill. However exasperated I was with her, I couldn't leave her here unconscious. What should I do?
I called Mother.
"Mother, I'm over here at Mrs. Thornhill's."
"That's nice, dear. How is she?"
"She's passed out on the sofa, dead drunk and covered with cats."
After a short pause, I heard Mother's patient sigh. "Oh, dear. Not again. We were all so hoping she was doing better this time," Mother said, infinitely sorrowful. Great. Why hadn't someone bothered to mention that our calligrapher was a dipsomaniac cat freak? I should have known better than to hire one of Mrs. Fenniman's cronies.
"Do you have any idea who I should call?" I asked. "I can't just leave her there. Does she have family, or should I find one of the neighbors?"
"Oh, dear, I don't think the neighbors. Such intolerant people." I felt a sudden surge of solidarity with Mrs. Thornhill's long-suffering neighbors. "I'll call her son and his wife. You look after her till they get there."
And so I spent the rest of the day baby-sitting Mrs. Thornhill. I realized I hadn't asked Mother where the son lived--in-state, I hoped--but when I tried to call her back the line was busy. For several hours. Presumably the grapevine was disseminating and analyzing Mrs. Thornhill's fall from grace. I checked periodically to make sure she was all right, but the last thing I wanted to do was wake her.
I called Be-Stitched to let Michael know I would miss the afternoon's fittings. I browbeat the printer into promising that he'd find some new envelopes for me in twenty-four hours. I tuned into the Weather Channel, saw a long-range forecast for July and began calling caterers to discuss making menus mayonnaise-free and otherwise heat-proof. I made every other call on my to-do list. I opened a can of cat food for any cat who wandered in and meowed at me. I finally got fed up with the mess and spent the last few hours cleaning. I hauled out a dozen trash bags full of cat food cans, bottles, newspapers, and other debris, changed ten litter boxes, and vacuumed--it didn't seem to bother Mrs. Thornhill. Halfway through the dusting, a car screeched up outside and a frantic couple rushed in. I met them at the door, dustrag in hand.
"Mr. and Mrs. Thornhill?"
"Oh," said the woman, "I thought you came on Tuesdays."
"No," I said, puzzled, "I've never been here before."
"Aren't you the new cleaning lady?"
I explained who I was and why I was there. They overwhelmed me with apologies and thanks. I went home and took a shower, followed by a long hot bath.
"Meg," Mother said over dinner that evening, "you haven't touched your salmon."
I didn't even try to explain.
Tuesday, June 28
Mother tagged along the next morning when I fetched the new envelopes, and then shanghaied me to help her pick out some upholstery fabric. Unfortunately, by the time I staggered home carrying five giant bolts of blue fabric, Samantha had already heard about Mrs. Thornhill from parties other than me, parties who had no interest in breaking the news to her gently and putting the best face on it. The ensuing tantrum was not pretty. I had to promise that the invitations would be out by Friday to calm her down. My mood was not improved when Mrs. Thornhill the younger called me up and tried to hire me to "do" once a week for her mother-in-law. And to top it all off, Mother decided the blue in Great-Aunt Sophy's vase was the exact shade she wanted for the living room. She spent several hours dragging it and the bolts of fabric around, looking at them together and separately in daylight and lamplight. I was a nervous wreck, waiting for her to detect Sophy's absence. Once she actually tipped the vase and dropped the top on the top of the sofa. I replaced it quietly and she never seemed to notice that nothing had spilled. After Mother finally lost steam and went to bed, I stayed up until two addressing envelopes, fretting all the while because I hadn't seen Dad in several days.
Wednesday, June 29
The next day, Mother decided she had chosen the wrong upholstery fabric. I had to lug the bolts back down to the store and exchange them. Not, of course, without endless time-consuming consultation with Mrs. Fenniman. I caught a glimpse of Dad as Mother and I drove to the fabric store, so at least I knew nothing had happened to him. I discovered, to my vast irritation, that Barry had brought down all his tools and set up a shop in Professor Donleavy's garage, thus giving him less reason than ever to leave town. Professor Donleavy was about as thrilled as I was, but several relatives and neighbors had already given Barry commissions. I tried calling Dad when I got home, with no luck, and was up until two-thirty addressing invitations.
Thursday, June 30
Mother then decided the first fabric had been right, after all. At least she thought it was. I had to chauffeur her and half a dozen friends to half a dozen fabric stores before we were sure, though. Back home with the original five bolts of fabric. Mrs. Thornhill the younger called to up the ante on her offer. I refrained, with difficulty, from resorting to unladylike language. No word from Dad. After Moth
er went to bed, I snuck down to Pam's house with the five bolts of blue fabric and asked her to hide them. While I was there, I asked her if she'd seen Dad.
"Only in passing," she said. "He's behaving very oddly."
"What do you mean oddly?"
Pam thought for a moment. "Furtively," she said at last.
Great.
I only managed to stay up till midnight before falling asleep over Samantha's beastly new envelopes.
Friday, July 1
By the time I woke up Friday morning, Mother and the advisory board had decided they needed to exchange the upholstery fabric again. However, my foresight in hiding the fabric at Pam's thwarted them. I told them I'd be glad to ferry them back to the fabric store when they found the bolts, and retired to the hammock with the remaining invitations, leaving them twittering over the sample swatches. I was able to finish all the invitations and drop them off at the post office before noon. On my way back, an inspiration struck me, and I stopped at Be-Stitched just as Michael was taking off for lunch.
"Meg!" he cried. "I've hardly seen you all week."
"Is that why you've given up shaving?"
"I'm getting ready for the costume party tomorrow," he said, with enthusiasm. Drat; I'd completely forgotten the party.
"I'm going as a pirate," Michael said. "What about you?"
"I haven't decided yet."
"But it's tomorrow!"
"Now that I've finally finished Samantha's invitations, I'll think about it."
"Have you been doing those bloody envelopes all this week?"
"That, and running a fabric delivery service," I said. I explained about the blue fabric I'd been shuffling back and forth. "Any chance you could drop by this weekend, look at the swatch I left lying around, and convince Mother she's made the right decision?"
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