“Wow,” I muttered.
“What’s that, honey?” Mom touched me on the shoulder. “Did you say something?”
“Nothing,” I said softly. “It’s just…there are more people here than for the town thing, at church.”
“Oh,” Mom said.
Steven spotted me and waved, pushing through a huge crowd of other kids. He pulled me into a tight hug and I stepped back, blushing hotly. My mom was giving us a curious look.
“All of my friends came,” Steven said. He raked a hand through his hair and sighed. “They’re all really upset, you know. Monica was a really cool girl.”
I narrowed my eyes and peered over Steven’s shoulder. He was right – a huge group of the most popular kids in town were all seated up front. Some of the girls were weeping.
I frowned.
“What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy that everyone came,” Steven said. “I mean, isn’t that what Monica would’ve wanted?”
No, I thought. She’d rather come back from the dead and call all of these people losers, because they never gave a fuck about her when she was alive.
“I guess,” I said lamely. “I don’t really know.”
“Come sit with us,” Steven said. “I’m sure everyone will be glad to see you.”
I frowned. Steven took my hand and squeezed.
“I know this must be hard,” Steven said. “You guys were best friends.”
“Do…do you remember anything like this happening before?” I asked tentatively. “Like, do you ever remember Monica going away before now?”
Steven shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess not,” he said. “Why? What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” I said darkly. “Let’s go sit down.”
Steven led me through the room – it was circular, with lots of wooden chairs all turned to face a large picture of Monica. Jamie and Brian were nowhere to be seen, although it was so crowded that it was hard for me to really make anyone out. Everyone was dressed in black and most people looked devastated – the same way they’d looked when Andrea had vanished.
I shuddered. This is so fucked up, I thought, shaking my head. Death does strange things to people. But she can’t really be dead, can she?
When Steven and I reached his group of friends, we sat down. Immediately, Trisha Charles, one of the most popular girls in school, came over. Her face was streaked with tears and she couldn’t stop sniffling.
“Oh my god, Elizabeth, I’m so sorry,” Trisha said. She flung her arms around my neck and pulled me into a close, intimate hug.
I awkwardly patted her on the back. “Thanks,” I said softly. “I am, too.”
“Monica was so cool,” Trisha said. She pulled back, sniffling and sobbing. Rubbing her red nose with a tissue, she shook her head sadly. “She was like, really smart.”
“She was,” I said. “Were you…friends with her?”
“No,” Trisha said. She blew her nose. “But like, I knew her, you know? I mean everyone knew her. This is a small town, we’re all so connected.”
It was hard not to roll my eyes.
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess you’re right.”
The service was short. A non-denominational pastor stood up and made a short speech, talking about Monica’s life and everything she’d liked. It felt so strange – everyone else around me was sobbing so hard they sounded like they were on the verge of vomiting. But I couldn’t summon a single tear, no matter how sad and guilty and alone I felt.
Steven squeezed my hand. “You okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I whispered back. “I’m fine.”
The pastor cleared his throat. “At this time, I’d like to invite friends of Monica to speak, if they so wish,” he said. “We have time for a few speakers.”
All of the popular girls, including Trisha, leapt up and formed a line behind the pastor.
I narrowed my eyes.
“They didn’t even know her,” I muttered under my breath. “I bet they never even talked!”
Steven turned to me with a frown. “Hey, be nice,” he said. “They’re sad, too – it’s hard when a classmate dies.”
“Yeah, but they weren’t friends,” I said. “What are they going to say about her? That they always saw her in the halls?”
Steven shrugged. “I don’t know, Elizabeth,” he said. “Just calm down. You weren’t the only person who cared about her.”
I glared. Although I didn’t appreciate what he’d said, at least it was better than the constant fawning and praise and desperate need for my attention.
Trisha cleared her throat into the microphone and wiped at her eyes. “I’d just like to say a few things about Monica,” she said. She sniffled and there was a smatter of applause.
I rolled my eyes.
“Monica was such a great girl,” Trisha said. “She was always, like, so smart. I’m going to miss her so much, I mean, nothing is ever going to be the same. My life is like, totally different now.”
“This is awful,” I murmured to Steven. “She knew nothing about her!”
“She was smart,” Steven said. He shrugged and narrowed his eyes at me. “You should be more open-minded, Elizabeth. You don’t have the sole lock on grieving for her.”
His words pushed me over the edge. I pulled my hand back, took a deep breath, and stood up, standing at the end of the line of popular girls.
It was a long wait. It seemed like every former homecoming queen and prom queen and runner-up was standing in front of me, somehow making Monica’s death all about them.
When it was my turn, the people watching looked tired.
“I won’t be long,” I said, clearing my throat and sniffling. “I just wanted to say that Monica was more than a friend to me, she was like a sister. I always admired her – she did whatever she wanted, and she never let anyone stop her.” Guilt plagued me and I closed my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. “I wasn’t always the best friend to her, but it didn’t matter. She did…she did some great things, and my life would be totally different today if it wasn’t for her.”
I saw Jamie and Brian, standing in the back, looking at me sadly. Between that and the unfortunate truth of what I’d just said, the tears finally came. I blinked them away and handed off the microphone as quickly as I could.
Back in my chair, Steven put his arm around me and held me close.
The service wasn’t much longer than that. The pastor did a blessing – he didn’t even say ‘heaven,’ he said ‘the afterlife’ – and invited us all to a reception at Jamie and Brian’s home. Then it was over.
Steven and I stood up together.
“Do you want to go?”
“I should say something to her parents,” I said softly. “I don’t really want to stay, though. Are you coming?”
Steven nodded. My heart sank – I wouldn’t have admitted it, but I’d been secretly hoping that Steven wouldn’t want to go. I knew that if he went, all of the popular kids would, too…and then I’d be sitting there, hating all of them, for practically no reason at all.
I kept my head down as we walked out of the meeting house and into the bright sunshine. It was one of the first truly hot days we’d had. I’m sixteen, I thought sadly as I followed Steven to his car. And if Monica were still here, she’d have turned sixteen the week before. And she’d be teasing me about having her driver’s license, while I only have a permit.
“Elizabeth?”
At the sound of my name, my head snapped up. I turned around and saw David standing there, clad in all-black like always.
“Hey,” I said softly. “Steven, go ahead, I’ll catch up with you in a second.”
Steven narrowed his eyes. “I’ll stay with you,” he said.
“No,” I said quickly. “It’s fine, just give me a minute. I’ll be right there. It’s okay,” I added. “It’s Monica’s boyfriend. I just…want to say something to him.”
Steven frowned but reluctan
tly turned on his heel and kept walking towards the parking lot.
David looked supremely uncomfortable. He shielded his eyes from the sun, then stepped into the shade of a tree.
“I didn’t see you in there,” I said, gesturing to the building. “Were you in the back?”
David shook his head. “No. I couldn’t bear the thought of being surrounded by those idiots who didn’t know her.”
Just being next to him was making my heart pound faster.
“Are you going to her parents’ place?”
“No,” David said. “I just came to say goodbye, Elizabeth.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Where are you going?”
David shrugged. “I don’t know yet,” he said. “But I have to get out of here for a while. I don’t…” He trailed off. “It doesn’t matter,” he added. “I just thought I should say bye.”
“Oh.” Everything in me wanted to throw my arms around David and pull him close, kiss him deeply, beg him not to leave…or to take me with him.
“Yeah,” David said. He held out his hand. After a few seconds, I pressed my palm against his. David lifted my hand to his mouth and gently kissed my fingers. A thrill shot through my body.
“Bye, Elizabeth,” David said quietly. “Good luck.”
When I realized he wasn’t going to say anything else, or suddenly confess desperate love for me, my heart sank.
“Bye,” I choked out. The word felt strangely inadequate. David tore his eyes from mine and walked away. I watched him until he disappeared, hoping he’d look back at me.
But he never did.
“Hey, Elizabeth, what was that?” Steven tapped me on the shoulder and frowned. “That guy seems like such a creep.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said bitterly. “He’s leaving, and he’s not coming back.”
Steven put an arm around me and squeezed me. I had the sudden urge to put my hands on his chest and push him away, as hard as I could.
“Come on,” Steven said. “We should get going.” He took my hand and started leading me to his car.
What else could I do? I had no choice.
Chapter Six
Elizabeth – Three Years Later
I stayed numb for a long time. For weeks, for months, even for years. I felt like a zombie, barely in control of myself, barely able to make even the most basic of decisions. By some miracle, I finished my sophomore year in one piece – looking back, I’m pretty sure that the school took pity on me because of Monica.
I looked for the coven almost every day. I spent countless hours in the woods, searching for Henrik, Ligeia, Monica, or any trace of the other witches. But despite all of my heartache and sadness, I never found it again. I never found anything even resembling the clearing.
Sometimes, I wondered if everything had been a weird dream.
Steven and I stayed together. He graduated from high school and then went to college in Vermont, where David had been planning to go. That was my only consolation – David wasn’t there now, no one had heard from him in years – but sometimes when I went to visit Steven, I’d look at the buildings and wonder what David thought when he saw the same places.
When I graduated, I joined Steven there. My mom was thrilled – every time I called home, she’d make jokes about wedding bells. Even after leaving Jaffrey, I still felt the fog of the past clinging to me with each and every passing second of time.
But little did I know, things were about to change.
“I just don’t see why you have to go for a whole semester,” Steven said. He narrowed his eyes and pulled the glossy brochure from my hands. “Or why you couldn’t have done it last year, when I was still eligible?”
“Because the U doesn’t let freshmen study abroad,” I said crossly. “And you know I’ve always wanted to do this. I’ve talked about it for years, even back in high school.”
“Well, what if we just took a trip together? Like a vacation, we could go for a couple of weeks over the January term?”
“Steven, that’s a totally different thing,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean, yeah, that would be great. And you can come visit! But I really, really want this. Please don’t make me choose,” I added.
“I just want to know that you’re committed to me,” Steven said. His eyes lit up. “We could get married! They probably have housing for married students.”
My heart sank. “Steven, I’m only nineteen,” I said softly. “I…I’m not really ready for that big of a step yet.” I reached for his hand and squeezed it. “This is just a little space. Lots of people do it. Kurt and Brittany did it last year,” I added. “And he’s your best friend! And they’re still fine!”
“You’re my best friend,” Steven said stubbornly. “And they took a ‘break’ while she was in France, and I know for a fact that they both slept with other people.”
“Well, I don’t really see how that’s bad,” I said slowly. “They’re fine now.”
Steven looked aghast. “Elizabeth, how can you say something like that? You’re mine,” he growled. “And I don’t want you going off like that without me!”
“We can talk every day,” I said, shaking my head in exasperation. Standing up from the bed, I walked over to the window. “I promise, and we can text all the time.”
Steven sighed. “I just don’t like it,” he said stubbornly. “And I don’t understand why you have this sudden need for space,” he added in a derisive voice. “Is this some bullshit about finding yourself? Do you just want to go so you can sleep with every guy in sight and get drunk every night?”
“Ouch,” I said. “God, is that really what you think of me?”
Steven glared. “I don’t know what to think,” he said sourly. “It’s like, you’re this whole new person just because you want to go to England for a year.”
“For a semester,” I corrected. “That’s less than six months! We’ve been together four years, Steven! That’s nothing!”
Steven crossed his arms over his chest and stuck out his lower lip. I rolled my eyes – sitting there on my narrow dorm bed, he looked like a sullen child.
“Don’t do this,” I said. “Come on, it’s not a good look. You know I don’t want anyone else, Steven. I just want you, okay? But I want to travel, too – and this is a really good opportunity. I already got a scholarship, and my parents hardly have to pay for anything.”
"I think you're just using it as an excuse," Steven said angrily. He stood up and began pacing back and forth, stomping like an angry kid.
“I’m not!” I protested. “You’re not even listening to me. I mean, come on – didn’t you think about how cool it would be to study abroad? Meet people from other parts of the world? Get to explore an old city?”
“I never wanted to be away from you,” Steven said hotly. He crossed the room in one giant stride and took my hands, pulling me close. “I always wanted to be with you, Elizabeth.”
My shoulders sagged. “Steven…please don’t make me do this,” I whispered. “Please don’t make me hate you.”
“How could I do that,” Steven said tenderly, leaning down and kissing my forehead. I resisted the urge to push him away. “I love you, Elizabeth.”
“I love you, too,” I said. Although I don’t really feel like it right now, I thought angrily. Controlling bastard.
“How about this,” Steven said. “You go for a shorter time, and when you get back, we move in together? Does that sound good?”
“I still have two more years of school,” I said. “I…don’t feel ready for that yet.”
“When then what do you fucking feel ready for, Elizabeth,” Steven asked angrily. “Because I get the sense you don’t give a shit about me!”
“I’m ready to stay in a relationship with you,” I said firmly. “And I’m ready to go to England for a semester, and study there, and continue being in a relationship with you.”
Steven rolled his eyes. “So nothing,” he said. “I mean,
right? We don’t want the same things.”
“You’re two years older,” I said softly. “Give me time, Steven. I’ll get there. I know I will, okay?”
Steven didn’t reply.
“If you make me choose between this and our relationship, Steven, I’m going to resent you,” I said softly. “And I don’t want to do that, but I need you to cut me a little slack. I’m going, but I promise, we’ll Skype every night, okay? I’ll never be out of touch for too long. And I don’t want to take a break.”
“And when you come back, we’ll talk about moving in together?”
I bit my lip. “I’ll think about it,” I said slowly. “That’s…that’s all I can promise right now, Steven.”
Steven rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever,” he said dismissively. “Have fun in London, Liz.”
He stomped to the doorway and threw the door open, slamming it shut behind him.
I knew I should chase after him, cry, say that I was sorry.
But I wasn’t sorry – if anything, I felt more alive and awake than I’d felt in years.
--
Classes at Oxford started a few days after classes at the U. Steven told me he wanted me to stay on campus with him, but I declined. Instead, I packed up my stuff and drove home to spend a few days with my parents. I hadn’t really been back since I’d left for college the year before – most holidays I spent with Steven’s family, outside of Jaffrey.
It was strange to acknowledge how free I felt as I drove south, my favorite playlist blaring from the speakers of my car. Maybe this is the start of something new, I thought as I coasted into Jaffrey at the end of the afternoon. Maybe Steven will be less controlling now, maybe he’ll get used to some space.
The truth was, our relationship hadn’t been doing well lately. I hadn’t told anyone – it felt weird talking about my personal life with friends – and everyone still thought of us as the perfect couple. But Steven had been even moodier and more suffocating than usual. His best friend, Kurt, had recently moved in with his girlfriend and despite the fact that they were both two years older than me, Steven had begun treating it as some kind of competition.
Dangerous Love (Moon Light Wolves Book 2) Page 53