“William.”
A door opens, and I feel him lay me down on the floor. I’m crying as I feel hands on me, stripping my clothes away. As much as I try to move or want to scream, I can’t. William stands there, and I see it in his eyes. He did this to me. He drugged me. Tony’s face comes into focus and then Michael’s. I’m not sure if William will let this go on, but I soon realize he will when the men have stripped me bare.
“William.”
My voice is nothing more than a whisper, but I know he hears me. His eyes close briefly then he opens them and leaves me here alone with these men.
All I could say was, “NO!” But no wasn’t working. Tony and Michael take turns raping me and there’s not a damn thing I can do but cry. Time goes by and I become numb, not only physically but mentally. The word “no” stops coming out of my mouth as they continue taking turns. I don’t know how long I’ve been in this room or how many times they’ve raped and said filthy things to me. Eventually I tune every sound out. Going within myself, turning back into a little girl frightened for my life.
I black out here and there but not fully and never long enough. When they’re finished with me, they dress and leave the room. I’m still on the floor unable to move for I don’t know how long.
The room’s swinging when I hear a scream. My eyes open, and I see Cherry. She’s falling to her knees at my body.
“OH MY GOD!”
I scream and throw my journal across the room. That night was one of the worst in my life. William had set out to make me pay and feel shame for betraying him. He succeeded. I moved too fast and I wasn’t careful enough. I should’ve known William was capable of doing something like that, but I didn’t. Sure, since we’d been together, he himself hurt me often but he never allowed another person to. This was his way of teaching me a lesson I would never forget, and I never will.
“Oh my God Catherine! What did he do?”
She knows. Her tears are falling fast as she starts panicking.
“My God, I should’ve done something!”
She explains, she saw when Michael and Tony came to the back and then watched William carry me back here. She also saw when he left, alone.
“I knew that son of a bitch was up to something! Oh God! Okay Catherine, I have to call someone. Hold on, I’m going to get help!”
“No!”
“Catherine, you need help.” She leans down and whispers close to my face, “You’re covered in them, they…”
She can’t finish her sentence, but I don’t need her to. I know what they did. William must have told them they couldn’t cum inside me, so they ejaculated on me. Using me as trash.
Talking is hard but I try not to slur and raise my voice as much as I can so she can understand me.
“No! Cherry, please. You can’t!”
Her hands are shaking but she manages to wipe her eyes. “Okay honey, okay. What do you want me to do?”
“Only you, please.”
“Alright, okay.”
She starts looking around the room panicking and crying. “Okay listen, I’m going to get something to cover you, then I’ll get something to clean you off. He must’ve drugged you. Didn’t he? That motherfucker!”
I lick my dry lips and just give her a tiny nod.
“Can you move anything.”
“Little.”
“Alright, I’ll be back.”
She gets to her feet and runs out the room. My tears start again. How could he do this to me?
When Cherry returns, she wakes me. I must have lost consciousness for a few minutes again. She’s frantic, not sure where to touch me.
I look at her with as much focus as I can. “Do it.”
She nods her head and starts to clean my body as we both cry. Her hands are shaking so bad now, that she can barely wipe me off. I look at her and get her attention.
“Cherry.” She looks at me and I smile through my tears trying to reassure her. She nods her head and steadies her hands.
Suddenly there’s a knock on the door. Cherry jumps, with both of us frightened, she slowly stands with a gun in her hand. My first thought is where did she get a gun then I’m grateful she has it, when we hear another knock come from the door. It might be them or worse, William. She looks down at me then hollers,
“Who is it?! I have a gun!”
Then I hear a voice I recognize. “Cherry, is that you? What the hell you’re doing with a gun? It’s Paul, William told me I was needed here. He gave me instructions to come to this door. Do you need me Cherry?”
He starts knocking again. “Cherry if you need me, let me in.”
She looks at me unsure of what to do. I nod my head, letting her know to let him in. She moves back toward me and throws a blanket over my naked body. Something inside me wants to laugh. I appreciate the stripper trying to worry about my modesty, but really after tonight, I have no modesty. I have nothing but shame.
She moves to the door with her gun held up and unlocks the door.
“Jesus Christ Cherry! Lower the damn gun. What is all this about?”
Cherry moves out of his way and looks back at me and that’s when Paul sees me.
“Fuck, Catherine!”
He runs and falls to his knees. “What the hell happened to you?! William called me, where is he?!”
My eyes shut tight with hearing him say William called him. He knew I would need Paul’s help. He had this night all planned out. How stupid could I be?
Cherry starts yelling, “That fucking bastard! William’s the one who did this to her! He had those men rape her Paul!”
“What?!”
“Yes, I knew something was wrong. I came back here after I saw them all leave and found her like this. Paul you have to help her.”
Paul’s voice softens as he looks like he’s ready to start crying any second. “Catherine, I need to look. Are you okay with me looking?”
I nod my head, keeping my eyes shut. The gasp that leaves his mouth when he lifts the blanket is another sound I will always keep with me. I know what he finds. Cherry already walked me through what my body looked like. William ordered them to make sure I had reminders on my body for when I looked in the mirror. My body shows bruises and bitemarks.
I feel Cherry lift my hand and hold it to her chest as she tells Paul, “I was in the middle of cleaning her, I haven’t finished.”
With a shaken voice, she leans over and whispers to Paul, “Maybe we should leave some. You know for them to test.”
I use all my energy to sound loud, “No!”
“Honey, you can’t let them get away with this.”
“No.”
Paul speaks up, “Cherry you know as well as I do, the police will never touch them. You know how these things are handled.”
“Fine, then let me call Murphy. He will handle it. Catherine, I promise he will.”
“No! No one, just you.”
She looks back at Paul and asks, “Paul can you give us a minute? There are extra towels in the dressing room if you need some.”
He nods his head and walks out the room. Cherry watches him leave and then she turns back to me looking a wreck. She lowers her voice and says, “Catherine, then let me call Theo. He will know what to do.”
My tears fall faster, then I ask, “How?”
“Catherine, I’m no fool. I know what it means when a man looks at a woman like Theo looks at you. He loves you Catherine. He will kill William for this.”
“No. Cherry please, no.”
“Honey, let me.”
“No, just you, please.”
She eyes me, trying to understand. Questioning why I won’t let her call Theo. I can’t, and I won’t have Theo knowing about this. He will try to kill William. If he succeeds, the rest of the men will come after him for killing the boss. If he doesn’t succeed, then William will kill him. I can’t, I just can’t get him in the middle of this. He can never know.
Cherry finally agrees, and Paul walks back in. When they have comple
tely cleaned me, I start to regain some of my muscle control. Paul gives me a full exam all while Cherry holds my hand. It makes me realize how I never gave her a chance and here she is being nice to me.
Paul starts asking Cherry questions about timing and other things. She frantically answers the best she can remember. He says if he’s right about the drug William used, I should continue to regain mobility at a steady rate and my speech should start getting better soon.
He tells Cherry to move out the way and lifts me in his arms, carrying me to a sofa.
Paul whispers, “I hate that son of a bitch! I’m so sorry Catherine. I should’ve said more to him when he first had me see you.”
“Paul.”
He kisses my cheek and tells me, “I know Catherine. I know, please forgive me.”
Lifting my hand, I wipe his tears away.
It takes about another two hours for me to recover, not fully but most of my reflexes are back and my speech does improve.
Paul looks at me. ‘Where do you want to go?”
“Home, Paul.”
“Catherine, no. At least not for tonight.”
Cherry says, “You can stay with me. Murphy won’t be there tonight. I promise it’ll be fine.”
“Bring me home Paul.”
He nods his head as Cherry starts cursing. “I can’t fucking believe you’re going back there. What if he kills you when you get home?”
“He won’t kill me. He needed to punish me. He did, it’s over.”
“Are you fucking serious? Who does that to someone to punish them?”
“Cherry please.”
“Please my ass!”
I look at Paul silently asking for time alone with her again. Paul knows me well, getting up, he leaves the room again.
“Cherry, I need you to promise me not to tell anyone. Please, I can’t stand for anyone else to know.” I cover my face with my hands, screaming and crying. “Please Cherry!”
She runs over to me and sits by my side and pulls my hands away. Grabbing me, she pulls me into a hug, rocking us back and forth. We’re both crying as she says, “I won’t if that’s what you want. I won’t tell a soul. I know how this life is. I promise you no one will ever find out from me. I got you. Us girls have to stick together.”
“Us girls?”
“Yes Catherine, us, we. Got it?”
“Yes.”
Once the tears stop falling, she helps me dress and resumes comforting me. Silently, Paul comes back into the room. Her embrace makes me think about how much I miss having another woman in my life. I’ve never had another friend besides Laura.
Releasing Cherry, I look up at Paul. Knowing I need to protect her as much as I can from William’s wrath, I start begging,
“Paul, listen. I need you to forget that Cherry was here. Please, can you do that for me? I don’t want her involved. If William finds out she was here…”
Cherry starts to argue, “I dare him!”
“Cherry, please. This is the only way I can protect you. You cannot ever tell, not even Murphy. Please.”
Paul stops us and says, “Don’t worry, Catherine. I wouldn’t do that. Cherry was never here. I promise. Anything you want.”
Looking at Cherry to make sure she understands, I turn back, and tell Paul, “Then I’m ready.”
He helps me stand and they both assist me in walking to Paul’s car. The ride is somber. I’m still so weak but my mind is reliving the night’s actions. Arriving home, Paul again helps me out the car, but William is there waiting for me. He pushes Paul off me and lifts me into his arms then carries me away. Paul starts cursing and yelling asking how he could do this. William turns with me in his arms and shouts at him,
“Go the fuck home Paul! I pay you for your services. Don’t open your fucking mouth again because I will shut it one way or another. Now leave me to deal with my fucking wife.”
He then turns back around and carries me upstairs to our room.
Laying me down on our bed, he runs a bath then carries me in. He starts trying to bathe me. The second I feel his touch, I jerk and even try to fight him off, but it’s short lived. William grabs my hands and yells for me to settle down. I have no choice. I’m still too weak and even if I weren’t, this is my life. I signed it away to him.
“You did this to yourself Catherine. You know you had to be punished.” He starts to bathe me again and this time I let him.
“You’re lucky, I gave you a fighting chance. I only gave you half of the drug. Did you fight my love?”
I don’t answer him. I’m too disgusted. I go within myself finding the peace I need from every sound and touch he makes. He keeps bathing me, trying to scrub away all that could possibly remain from the night. He then carries me to bed, tucking me in with him on my side. Holding me, he whispers how sorry he is. I want to scream, yell, kick and punch. I want to kill him, but I do none of those things. I lay there in his arms the whole night with nothing but a violent disgust for the man.
One day, I kept telling myself. But one day didn’t come for a long time and not by my hand.
16
Catherine
For a month, I stayed home with my son and William, trying to recover while being a subservient wife. William was drinking more, I like to think he was trying to drown out what he had done to me. There were times in his stupor, he would lay all the blame on me. Saying things like, why do I make him do the things he does to me? Why won’t I love him? Why and more why’s. He continued to abuse me but for the first time, I saw regret in his eyes. He was tortured just like I was.
It was too late though. He would even try being sweet and buy me things, trying to buy my affection. He was going crazy. Part of me felt sorry for him. It’s laughable right? How could I feel sorry for a man like that?
For all that he did to me, he still did so much for me. We were almost the same. Both in pain and both living in misery.
After the rape, I avoided Theo. I couldn’t face him, too scared he would know or find out. I never wanted him to look at me any different and I still feared William would find out. Theo tried though, he would often come to the house and seek me out while William’s back was turned. I could feel the anger coming off him and that scared me more than William ever did. Worried Theo would do something that would cost him his life, I had to do something. I couldn’t have him risking his life.
One night, I overheard William and his associates discussing plans for Theo. They were saying it was time for him to marry.
At first, I was shocked and pissed. I thought no, he can’t. But then the more I thought about it the more it made sense. This was the only way I could keep him safe. If he married, he could love someone else and forget me. I was willing to give him to someone else if it gave him a chance of surviving. I knew this was the only chance he had. His anger was starting to get the better of him. I loved him enough to put him ahead of myself. I needed to set him free and let him be happy.
Not long after, William and I attended his wedding announcement party. His bride to be Beth was the daughter of an important boss under my husband. I walked in to the party knowing Theo would want to talk to me but praying he would never have the chance. I should’ve known better.
He cornered me in the bathroom. Begging for me to explain as to why I wouldn’t talk to him or see him anymore. He said he would call the wedding off, that it was just a farce. I tried to push him away. But he wouldn’t have it until I talked to him.
“You need to marry her Theo. Don’t you see, it’s the only way?”
“For what?”
“We are finished Theo. I can’t do this anymore. She’s a beautiful woman. She’ll do right by you.”
“I don’t want her! I want you!”
I look into his eyes, wanting nothing more than to console him and tell him how much I love him, but I can’t. I have to find a way to make him go through with this and forget me.
“You can’t have me Theo. I’m William’s.”
“William’s
? You don’t love him. You’re just…”
I slap him across the face, needing him to hear me and forcing him to believe every word I say.
“I do! Don’t tell me how I feel! I love William. I love our son and him. Our family is all I want and need. You have no place in my life, do you fucking hear me?! I don’t love you Theo. It was fun, but I won’t let your foolish fantasies hurt my family. Go get your own family! Leave me alone because I am William’s and always will be! Understand?”
He backs off, shocked and confused by my words. It kills me to tell him all these lies. But I rather it kill me than him.
He finally gets the message and storms out the bathroom, leaving me falling to my knees crying. I’m dying inside for hurting the man I truly love. Screaming and cursing in my head, knowing I’ll never have the peace and love, I so desperately want. Why? Am I not worthy? What did I do in my life to punished over and over?
I wipe a tear away from the memory. These are questions I learned not to ask anymore. There’s no answer to why some suffer or why some live happily ever after. There’s just what is.
Still in the bathroom, I got to my feet, dried my eyes and cleaned my face. I went out there and faced the music of my life and again endured.
Always fucking enduring.
The night before his wedding, he called me and again, begged me to ask him not to go through with it. I was almost about to break when I heard Gabriel laughing in the other room. William was in there playing with him.
My attention went back to Theo on the phone. I congratulated him and wished him well. Then hung the phone up, denying myself and him, our love.
Theo married, and I found a way to be happy through my son. Life went on. I continued to use Vincent’s mother to gather information, but I hadn’t found the courage to act on any of it again. Not until later.
Going to the other side of my room where my journal lays on the floor. I pick it up. Turning the pages, I remember another man in my life.
William came home one day and told me we were having a dinner guest. Telling me to make sure the staff put their best foot forward and for me to make sure I was perfect. He kept stressing how important this was for us. There wasn’t much that made William nervous and on edge, but this did. I couldn’t understand what was going on, but I knew enough that if it made William act like he was, I had to be on guard.
Art of Survival: Part One (A Stern Family Saga Book 5) Page 16