So, yes, I see the envy, the respect and I use my public smile while I also see the fear, and the unease of the ones who know exactly what lies behind my smile. Knowing the whole time what lies behind theirs is nothing more than jealousy.
Without being announced, the guard opens the door to my office where Gabriel now proudly sits. Halting, I’m surprised to see my other sons are all here with him. Good, I won’t have to go looking for them.
Gabriel stands followed by the rest. “Mother, we weren’t expecting you.”
Seems I’m getting this reaction a lot today. “Is that a problem?”
One by one they kiss my cheek and then allow me to sit as they do the same.
“So, is this some meeting I haven’t heard of or are y’all just wasting time?”
Gabriel smirks with a hint of laughter while the other boys look solemn.
“You would think that, mother. But no, we’re not wasting time. We are having a meeting on how to handle certain situations as they come up.”
I look at my boys and then ask Gabriel, “What situations are we discussing?”
“We mother, us, not you. You were right the other day. We have been getting lazy and you were spot on when you said we need to start preparing.”
“What the hell do you mean, not me?”
Zander responds, “Mom, Murphy called me. She told me about what happened earlier. I asked everyone here to discuss it and we have all decided that Murphy’s right. You’re choosing not to fight. You want to lay down and die without even considering how we feel or wanting to listen to us. Then there is nothing else we can do.”
“The hell there isn’t! You can all listen to me! And start acting like a fucking Stern! Like the men I raised you all to be!”
Gabriel jumps back in, speaking with conviction, “That’s what we’re doing! We will handle the casino from now on! Without any interference from you. I know you think we aren’t ready, but we are. No time like the present to prove it. Now go home mother. Rest, be a grandmother to the children you will be leaving behind. We are not children anymore. They need you more than we do.”
Fury starts to take over. Are they trying to pass me off as useless? Yes, I am the mother of grown ass men and a grandmother, but I have built this! I know everything they don’t. Now they want me to rest. Be a grandmother! What the fuck does that even mean?!
“You little son of bitches! You’re all ungrateful for all I have done. You, none of you know what I did for each of you. Now you think I’m old, you want to put me out to pasture?! I came here to start preparing you all for what will come when I die. For you all to continue to rise. For your children like I did for mine! If you think…”
Liam surprises me by shouting, stopping me in my tracks, “You want to know what we fucking think Mom?! We’re going to act as if you’re already dead. Because you’re waiting for it. You have fifty million excuses as to why you’re not going to have the fucking surgery. Well, I for one, will not listen to them anymore. You are choosing to leave us and to top it off, you’re blaming us!”
What? What did he just say? Blaming them? I would never.
I stand, walking towards him laying my hand on his beautiful face. “Liam, I’m not blaming you or any of you. Why would you think that?”
“You said it Mom. You said you couldn’t have the surgery years ago because we weren’t ready. Now, you’re still not doing it because you have to finish preparing us. That makes us the reason you’re going to die.”
My hands immediately fly up, covering my face. How could I have been so stupid? My tears start, and I can’t stop them. I never meant to hurt my sons, never like this.
“Jesus, Liam, I am so sorry. I’m sorry. I never meant it like that. I’m not blaming any of you.”
I look around the room at all my handsome strong sons as they have their heads down. All I see though are their sweet angelic faces when they were little. God, I wish sometimes they were still like that even if it meant I would have to go through it all over again because I would.
Vin is the first to react. He slowly raises his head and looks at me with tears threatening to fall.
“Mom, I for one, am not ungrateful. I’ve seen most of what you went through for us, for all of us. I know I don’t know it all, but I have always felt it. I even wear some of the same scars you do. That still does not change the fact you won’t listen to us. You’re the one making all the decisions without caring what we want. Please, Mom, I can’t lose you. None of us want to lose you.”
I run to him hugging him tight. Vin has always been my non-emotional child. Never wanting to cry or show any indication of his feelings or desires. But since Brittany has been in his life, he’s finally living. I whisper in his ear, “I love you son.”
He pulls me in tighter and my heart bursts. What have I done?
Starting to pull away from Vin, I tell them, “You still need me to go over what to expect and to plan for…”
Gabriel looks me dead on, looking like the boss I raised him to be, not wavering or hesitating. “Yes Mother, we do need you. But we need you alive. Our children need you alive. If you have the surgery, we will all allow you to prepare us. If not, we will learn on our own just like you did. Now, I’m done with this conversation. I have a business to run and trust me Mother, I know how to run it.”
Watching my son dismiss me like he just did should really piss me off. But I know what he’s doing. I’ve taught him well. With Gabriel, I tried so hard to make him harder, forcing him to hide his emotions. Emotions in our world can get you killed. So yes, I should be pissed. Instead I’m proud he has just showed me he is a leader. He is a boss.
I start walking to the chair to grab my purse, but Gabriel beats me to it. Picking it up, he passes it to me and walks me to the door. But before I can pass through it, he grabs my hand, squeezing it tight and leans in kissing my cheek, proving he still loves me underneath his fierce armor.
Coming out of the office, I hear the door shut behind me and my legs begin to shake. My body is threatening to break down. I walk as fast as I can to the closest restroom. Entering, I see three women laughing and talking loudly. I lean against the wall, and I scream at them,
“Get out! Get out! Get the fuck out!”
Their faces are shocked to see the always reserved Catherine Stern, losing it. But that is exactly what I’m doing. The minute the door shuts behind them, I fall to the floor, crying. My boys, my sweet boys. What have I done? It has always been for them, all of it. I never thought about them thinking I was blaming them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to do next.
Not being able to move, the word next keeps replaying in my mind. Then it dawns on me what I need to do next. I need to pull myself together. William would laugh, seeing me on the floor in a bathroom crying. He would tell me to get my ass up, that Catherine Stern is not the woman to act like this. So, slowly I start standing, gathering all my strength and look in the mirror. William would be right. I am a laugh. My makeup is ruined causing one of my scars under my eye to show. I still see William after all these years. He has left his mark on me everywhere.
Touching the scar, I talk back to myself in the mirror, calling to William. “I see you, William. I’m coming.”
Pulling myself together, I walk out the casino avoiding anyone I can. I’m not cowering, I just don’t have the strength to smile and show them the Catherine they expect. Assumptions. That’s what gets people in the most trouble, not expecting that there is something lying underneath. They have no idea of the real me.
Once I’m in my car I have a need to see an old friend. Driving, I think of my choices and of what my family wants. I never stopped to think about what they wanted. I knew they would fight me on my choice, but I thought they would understand eventually. Now I know they won’t. They just see it as me using them as an excuse. Maybe I was, shit I don’t know anymore. My mind was made up and now I’m having a hard time sticking to my decision.
Pulling up to Earl’s,
I see him through the massive windows. He’s getting older, yet he refuses to stay home and retire. I sit here for a few minutes, knowing there is nowhere else I want to be but finding it hard how to explain to him what I’m going through.
Like my sons said, no time like the present. I get out the car, with all my lost confidence and I open the glass door to the diner. I know there are a few people here, but I see no one else but Earl. When he looks up and sees my state, he shakes his head and lays his hand on his hip.
“Everyone out! You hear me! Get out, all your bills are on me. Just grab your shit and get out!”
I stand there frozen as people start whispering, complaining, and shuffling beside me to get out the door.
Once the last customer leaves, Earl walks to the door bypassing me and locks it. When I feel his hand on my shoulder, I can’t hold it anymore. The flood gates open up and I turn to meet his open arms.
“Hush now child. Big Earl’s got you.”
I can’t, the tears won’t stop. My body’s shaking so hard now.
“Come on Katie, let’s sit you down.”
He starts walking me in his arms to the closest, clean table. Siting me down, he pushes a chair right next to mine. Pulling me back into his arms, where I feel safe.
He allows me to cry for a good long time and then lifts my face by my chin.
“Are you ready to tell me?”
I shake my head answering his question.
“You don’t have to. I already know.”
My face rises to meet his eyes and I see it in his dark stare that he does, he knows but how?
“Katie, I’ve been waiting for you. Theo came and told me everything. You have that man so beside himself. I knew you would eventually come though. So, cry your heart out and then we are going to have a talk.”
I laugh through my tears as I lean my head back on his shoulder. I know what he means about talk. This is where Earl will scold me like a child and I will be expected to sit here and accept every last word. He’s the only one who has ever been able to do that to me, not even William. I would fight and show him defiance every chance I got. Not Earl though. He gives it to me straight, and I love him for it. I love this man like a father and I would do anything he asked of me.
When my last tear is shed, he stands bringing me a cool towel for my face and a drink. Sitting back down he starts,
“Alright, you want to tell me what has you all upset? Because I know it’s not the cancer.”
I start laughing. “Fuck the cancer.”
“Yeah, fuck the cancer.”
I sniff one last time and lean back in my chair. “My sons stood up to me today.”
His eyes lift off the table and chuckles out loud.
“Well, don’t you think it’s about time?”
“I know their men now, but I …”
“You what? Thought they would just sit still while you continued to make all the decisions for their lives and yours?”
“It’s not like that.”
“Yes, it is. It’s the same thing you did with Theo. Did you even consider him?”
“Of course, I did.”
“No, you didn’t because if you had, he’d still be by your side.”
“He has no right to tell me what to do! He didn’t even want to try to understand my point.”
“The hell he doesn’t! That man has stood by your side through it all. And why would he want to listen to you. You’re a damn fool!”
He stands, rising fast. I see him trying to control his temper but he’s having a hard time.
“Katie, you can’t do this. Do you know how many people you’re hurting? They don’t want to hear your shit about why you won’t fight. They just want you to fight damn it!”
He sits back down looking at his hand on the table. I see his hesitation, so I reach out and touch his hand.
“Parents, you know aren’t supposed to bury their children. I’ve already buried one, I don’t want to bury another one.”
“Earl.”
“No, listen to me girl! I don’t blame none of your kids or Theo. What about your grandchildren? You’re willing to throw away a future with them?”
“I…I wrote a journal.”
Now he gets pissed, pushing my hand off his and looking at me sideways. “A journal of what?”
“Of me. I wrote everything there is to know about me and how I made it. It’s all in there.”
“Damn it Katie! They don’t need no damn journal! They need you! You need to be the one to teach them about it all.”
My head falls, and the tears start again.
“What are you scared off?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit!”
“I’m scared of not being able to finish teaching my sons. I’m scared I won’t have them prepared enough.”
“Enough for what?”
I whisper, knowing he can barely hear me, “For when I die.”
“That’s not right. You have never been scared to die.”
“Exactly, I am not scared of death. If I fight and lose, I will have wasted that time. Time, I need to make sure they’re prepared.”
He stares, squinting his eyes, looking for something, anything to find a direction to go in with me.
“You’re scared of failure, not of dying. I see it, now. You’re scared to fight and fail.”
“I don’t think I can survive this time.”
“Katie, if anyone can, you can. You are one tough girl.”
I start laughing. “Girl? I haven’t been called that in a long time.”
“Would you prefer for me to say you’re one tough bitch?”
Wiping my eyes, I choke out a laugh and shake my head back and forth. His laughter slowly starts to die down and we stare down at the table.
“You know you’re in my journal.”
“Figures. I hope you were nice to me.”
“Always.”
“I imagine Billy’s in it too, huh?”
“Yes.”
He huffs and nods his head.
“Earl, it’s all in there.”
“So, your children will learn that my son made money off you.”
“He was desperate Earl. I understood what he did, and I wouldn’t have changed it.”
“Oh yeah, what about that other girl? What about her? Would she say the same thing?”
“Earl, none of that was your fault.”
“No, I know that. But now Fallon will learn what my son did to her mother.”
He’s right and there is nothing I can say to make him feel better. I remember the day he and his wife buried Billy. I went, even though I hated Billy. I went to the funeral for Earl, because no matter what Billy did, Earl and his wife always prayed every night for Billy. They even lit candles every week in church, begging God to bring their son back to them.
I never told Earl that William was the one that killed Billy. I thought it wasn’t important and it still isn’t.
“I wanted you in the journal, so my sons will know who you are and what you did for me. I need you to know I left certain instructions. You and your wife will always be taken care of.”
“Katie, I don’t want that.”
“Well you have it. Please don’t argue with me. If something were to happen to me, I need to make sure you and Verna are alright. My sons will always watch out for you and make sure y’all have everything you will ever need. Protection will continue.”
“Stop talking like that!”
“I have to. I want you and Verna to come and meet my children. Please, for a nice supper one night.”
“Katie you know Verna won’t go.”
I bow my head and my smile dies. “Because she hates me.”
“No child. Verna doesn’t hate anyone. She doesn’t like what you do for a living. But she appreciates all you have done for our community. She’s ashamed. It’s hard for her to see you and know what her… what our son did.”
He glances to the other side of the room before returning my
gaze. “Do you know that she has always prayed for you? Especially since she found out about your cancer, she has been going to church every morning to light a candle for you and pray.”
“She doesn’t have to.”
“Yes, she does. It makes her feel better. She knows how I feel about you. It was hard in the beginning. But she cares for you too. She is just embarrassed about what our son did to you two girls.”
“You’re not ashamed of me, for what I do.”
“I don’t like it Katie. I’m not going to lie to you. But I am proud of the woman you have become. You’re a survivor. That’s how I know you can survive this.”
“I don’t know.”
He grabs me, pulling me back into his arms.
“You listen to me girl. You go have that surgery. You let them cut that shit out of you then I promise, I will be there. I’ll come and meet the children.”
When I don’t respond he says, “Katie look at me. You are strong enough. I believe in you. Your sons believe in you. You just have to believe you have it in you to be strong enough to survive this. Don’t let me down.”
I start crying again. Lord help me, forgive me father, but I think I’m going to fight. I am not going to meet my devil without putting up one hell of a battle.
Standing to leave, Earl asks, “Where are you going now, home?”
“No, I have someone I need to see. If I do this, I’m going to need him.”
22
Catherine
It’s dusk now and I’ve been driving for what feels like hours, trying to build up enough courage to do what I need to do. Finally, I drive to the graveyard. Stepping out the car, there’s a cool breeze blowing, causing me to look up, seeing the clouds turning grey with anger. It’s fitting. I’m here to see my husband and the weather reflects my mood. This is the first time since burying him I’ve come back.
Art of Survival: Part One (A Stern Family Saga Book 5) Page 23