So, she can have the life she deserves.
Find someone worthy of her.
Someone who doesn’t ruin everything he touches.
CHAPTER 26
Ryan - Four Months Later
My fingers clutch the pen, hovering over the paperwork as I experience last-minute doubts about signing on the dotted line. Dropping the pen, I lean back in my chair, rubbing my hands down my face. I know making this official is the right thing to do, but I’m still reluctant to sign. Because, even though I haven’t spoken to Summer since the day I broke her heart and mine, at least here I’m comforted by the knowledge I’m breathing the same air as her.
No one knows this, but I hung out around campus and the theater company in the weeks following our split, desperate to just see her beautiful face. She quit working at the gym and moved out of the apartment almost immediately, cutting herself out of my life.
I almost went crazy without her.
Hence why I sought her out.
I made sure she never saw me. Sticking to hiding behind corners and watching her from the shadows. Until I realized my behavior was borderline stalking, and I forced myself to go cold turkey.
But, at least here in Newark, I know she’s within reach if I ever grow a pair of balls and acknowledge that I made the worst decision of my life the day I walked away from her. If I ever find the courage to fix it.
With that thought swirling through my mind, I snatch the pen up and sign my messy scrawl on the new contract paperwork. Moving to manage our new gym in Dover is the right move. It was that or let Austin buy me out of the business because we can’t continue to work side by side when we barely talk anymore.
I knew when I ended things so callously with Summer that Austin would never forgive me. And he hasn’t. I cannot fault him for that. I deserve the animosity he’s shown me these past few months. I deserve to have lost one of the best friendships I’ve ever had. Because I promised him I’d take care of his little sister, and in his eyes, I abandoned her to her grief too soon after she lost our baby.
I want to come clean with him. To tell him I did it for her. To set her free. To admit that I’m heartbroken and lonely and so, so lost without her in my life.
But if I do that, he might just understand, might try to talk me around, and he might just convince me.
No, removing myself from Newark, from the temptation of having Summer so close, is the right thing to do.
Stuffing the paperwork back in the envelope, I leave it on my empty desk, grabbing the box with my belongings, and walk out the door telling no one goodbye.
✽✽✽
I’ve only been at the Dover gym a week when Austin pays me an unexpected visit. “What’s up?” I ask, closing the door to my office after he steps inside. We’re both tense, standing across from one another, neither making a move to sit down.
“Look.” He rubs a hand along the back of his neck. “I hate how things were left between us, and I want to talk to you about Summer.”
“Is she okay? Has something happened?” I blurt, terror caging my heart in a vise grip.
“Calm down. She’s fine. It’s nothing like that.”
“What then?” I fold my arms across my torso, my shoulders still rigid with stress.
“Let’s sit.” Austin walks to the small leather couch in the corner of the room, and I trail behind him.
We sit down, and I brace my arms on my thighs, waiting him out. I don’t have to wait long. “I want to level with you,” he says. “No bullshit. Just cards on the table.” I nod, encouraging him to go on. “You’ve been utterly miserable since you broke up with her. She’s putting a brave face on, but I know she’s hurting too. I was so fucking angry with you I didn’t realize it at first. But having some distance this past week gave me time to think about things, and it doesn’t add up.”
He stares at me, really stares at me, as if he can see into my messed-up head. “Why did you break up with Summer? And don’t feed me the same bull you fed her.”
To tell the truth or continue the lie? I lean back, sighing. May as well come clean. Maybe we’ll be able to salvage our friendship from the ashes. “Because I believed letting her go was in her best interests. She was so sad all the time, and it was my fault. I felt like I was holding her back. Stopping her from fulfilling her dreams. And I never want to be that selfish.”
“Do you still love her?”
Pain rattles my chest and my heart aches for the girl I lost. “More than ever,” I quietly admit.
He twists around, eyeballing me. “Then fight for her, Goddamn it.”
“What?” I splutter, sure I must be hearing things.
“Don’t let her go, or you’ll end up regretting it.”
I arch a brow, wondering if I’ve wandered into some alternate realm. “I’m not who you’d choose for her, so why would you tell me to do that.”
“You are who I choose for her. You two were good together, and you made her happy. It’s not your fault she lost the baby.”
Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that. “It’s probably too late,” I say, looking down at the ground.
“It’s not, but if you leave it much longer, it could well be.”
I jerk my head back up. “Why d’you say that?”
“That punk Justin is sniffing around. He’s asked her to transfer to Oregon State next year to be with him. He’s a big deal to the Beavers, and I know he’ll make it happen.”
“So, you just want me to get back with Summer to stop her from moving across the country?” I surmise, anger bristling under my skin.
“Fuck, no!” Austin sits up straighter, scrubbing a hand over his chin. “Truth is, I’ve been a shitty friend and a shitty brother. And you might as well add a hypocrite to the mix. My background with chicks wasn’t any cleaner than yours, but I still gave you crap. And—” He blows air out of his mouth. “And I’m so fucking sorry, man. Sorry for being a sanctimonious, stubborn prick. If I wasn’t all up in my head, I would’ve realized the truth earlier, because you’re good people, James, and I’ve always known that.” He clamps his hand on my shoulder. “You’re also my best friend, and I miss you. I’m sorry I fucked up. That I wasn’t there for you more. But I’m here now, and I’m telling you to get your shit together and go get your girl.” He drills me with a dark look. “Before that punk ass swoops in and steals her away from you.”
✽✽✽
“Okay, I’ve had enough,” Slater says, slamming his beer bottle down on the table and powering off the TV.
“Hey, I was watching the game,” I protest, even though I can barely concentrate on anything after my talk with Austin earlier.
“No, you fucking weren’t.” He glares at me. “You were staring at the screen, but you weren’t watching a second of the game. You were lost in your own head again. Like you’ve been every single time I’ve seen you since you broke up with Summer, and I’m done with the bullshit.” He leans forward on his elbows. “You have Gabby worried sick about you, and, honestly, you’re freaking me out too. I’ve never seen you like this. Not even after Myndi.”
“Because I’ve never loved and lost the one before,” I blurt.
“Finally.” He rolls his eyes to the ceiling.
“Finally, what?” I snap.
“Finally, some show of honest emotion.”
I flip him the bird. “Screw you, asshole. We can’t all be perfect and have the perfect fucking life.”
“Sometimes, I seriously want to beat the shit out of you in the hope it’ll knock sense into that thick skull of yours.”
“Wow. You’re really rolling out the hospitality.”
The Dover move happened fast, and I haven’t had time to find a place to live yet, so I’m staying with Slate and Gabby for a few weeks until I find my feet. After living in the apartment on my own for months, it’s been nice surrounded by noise and people again.
“We should’ve had this conversation months ago. Hell, years ago.” He moves over to the couch, droppin
g down beside me. “I, no, we, can’t sit back and watch you self-destruct anymore. You need to talk about all the shit you keep locked up in your head. If you won’t talk to me, at least talk to your sister. It’s killing me seeing how upset she is for you.”
“You don’t play fair.” I pout.
“I’ll use whatever advantage I can, but it’s no word of a lie. We’re worried, and I’m not accepting the bullshit anymore. I’m your best buddy. Fuck, we’re basically brothers. And you used to tell me everything. Now you shut me out, and I don’t know what the fuck I did to deserve that.”
“Slate, it’s never been about anything you’ve done. If I tell you the truth, you’ll definitely want to beat the shit out of me.”
“I think you want to tell me. I think you need to for your sanity.” He lays a hand on my shoulder. “You’re the closest I have to a brother, Ryan, and I’d never judge you. You’ve been there for me. Let me be here for you.”
“We’re really going there? Doing the heavy shit?”
He nods, grinning. “It’s been a while.”
“We’ll need more beer for this. Lots more beer.” I waggle my empty bottle at him.
“I’ll be back.”
“And Slate?” I call out after him, looking over my shoulder. “Make sure Gabby isn’t around. She can’t hear this.”
I settle back in my seat, closing my eyes as I wait for his return. He’s right, not that I’ll admit that out loud. But I need to purge this from my soul. And I want his advice on Summer. I don’t want to lose her. Not if there’s a chance she still has feelings for me. But I’m crippled, plagued by guilt and taunted by selfish thoughts, and I’m driving myself demented with all the back and forth.
Perhaps Slate can help me make sense of my head. Help me figure out where I go from here.
“The coast is clear,” he says, when he re-enters the room with an ice bucket and a bunch of beers.
We pop the lid on a couple bottles, a comfortable silence descending for a few minutes. “I still love Summer, and I miss her so damn much. Every day I go without seeing her, another little piece of me dies,” I admit, finding this easier to divulge than I expected.
“I know how that feels, and it sucks. Big time,” Slate agrees.
“I remember telling you you were an idiot for letting Gabby go when she was pregnant because you believed it was the right thing for her, and I’ve basically done the exact same thing.”
He doesn’t hesitate. “Idiot.” Slate fights a smile, and I flip him the bird again.
“I’m no good for her, man.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a total fuckup in relationships, and she lost the baby because of me.” And though it almost killed me to break up with her, and it’s killing me all over again, every day I wake up without her in my life, I’d do it all again if it’s the best way of protecting her. Of letting her live a full and happy life.
“Dude.” Slate’s brow creases. “You can’t honestly believe you’re responsible for her losing the baby. It isn’t anyone’s fault. Miscarriages happen, and there isn’t anything you could’ve done to prevent it.”
“She was stressed, and mostly, that was because of me. Because Austin and Charlie didn’t approve.”
“Did the doctor say stress caused her miscarriage?” Slate demands in an angry tone.
I shrug, and that only angers him more. “Why the fuck do you do this to yourself? It’s not your fault,” he roars.
“Keep your fucking voice down, or this conversation’s over!”
“Why are you shouldering the blame? Why?”
“Because it’s not my first rodeo.”
His eyes narrow. “Explain that.”
I rub my throbbing temples, sighing. “The day everything turned to shit with Myndi, the day that bitch kissed me and posted it online, was also the day I discovered Myndi was pregnant with my baby.”
Slater’s jaw drops to the floor, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so shocked. He urges me on with his eyes.
“I hadn’t known. She was hysterical, crying and shouting, beating her fists at me. She refused to believe I was innocent, and she already had her bags packed. She went to her sister’s place the next day, telling me she needed space. And I wanted to give it to her, but she’d just dropped a bomb, and my head was a fucking mess.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because you and Gabby were planning your wedding, and I didn’t want Gabby to get caught in the crossfire. I was still hoping Myndi and I could work things out.”
“But you didn’t. What happened?”
“I’d been sending her daily texts, and she was sending me back hate-filled replies. After ten days of that shit, I’d had enough, so I went to her sister’s house, demanding she speak to me.” I rub at the sudden tightness in my chest. “She was so angry and still worked up. Maybe it was pregnancy hormones, or her ex, Travis, ruined her faith in men, I don’t know, but she was screaming and shouting at me, pushing me around, refusing to listen to the truth. And something snapped in me then. I gave up. I told her we were done, but I wanted to be involved with the pregnancy, and I’d help raise the baby.”
I stare at the ceiling, hating to be reliving this, but feeling a little lighter at the same time. “Her sister threw me out of the house, saying I was stressing Myndi out and it wasn’t good for the baby.” I exhale heavily. “I went home and licked my wounds for a couple weeks, debating what to do.”
I eyeball Slate before I admit this next bit ’cause he’s gonna be pissed I went to my brother instead of him—even if he knows it makes sense because my eldest brother is a respected attorney. “I went to Dean and told him everything. I needed to know what my rights were, what I could legally do, because Myndi was refusing to answer my calls or texts, and I knew she was shutting me out.”
Slate’s jaw tightens, but he says nothing, just waits patiently for me to continue.
“A few days later, I got a text, a fucking text,” I spit out, “from Myndi’s sister saying she’d lost the baby. I was upset and angry, because she’d shut me out. She was already home from the hospital and everything.”
A shuddering breath leaves my body. “I should’ve waited until I’d calmed down before charging over there, but you know how much of a hothead I used to be.”
“Used to be?” Slate teases, and the faintest hint of a grin appears on my lips.
“It was, hands down, the most God-awful conversation I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t rehash it all, but the gist of it was she told me, point-blank, that it was my fault she’d lost the baby. Because I cheated on her and then broke up with her, and the stress of it led to her miscarriage.”
“What the actual fuck?” Slate snaps, his features contorting into an angry scowl. “The nerve of that bitch!”
“As long as I live, I’ll never forget that conversation,” I quietly admit, rubbing my tense jaw. “And I live with the guilt of it every day. And then, basically, the same thing happened with Summer, and it was at that point I really believed it.”
I eyeball my best buddy. “I’m not the guy who gets the girl and the family. I’m the guy that messes everything up. The guy who ruins relationships. That’s who I am, and it’s why I walked away from Summer even knowing she’s the only one for me.”
The pain in my chest intensifies to the point I can barely breathe. “I’ve no interest in anyone else. I can’t even look at another woman. All I ever see is Summer, but she’ll never be mine, and I’m trying to come to terms with that.”
✽✽✽
I’m returning from walking Daisy in her stroller the following morning when I notice the strange car in the driveway. Slate greets me at the door, helping lift the stroller inside. “She’s asleep,” I whisper, so he knows to be quiet.
“I had nothing to do with this,” he cryptically says, and my brow puckers in confusion.
“To do with what?” I whisper.
Just then, Gabby appears behind her husband
, reaching for my hand and tugging me forward. “I overheard your conversation last night,” she admits before thumping me in the arm. Unlike Summer’s feeble attempts, my sister knows how to throw a punch and hurt.
“Ow.”
“That’s for not telling me,” she says with tears in her eyes. Without warning, she throws herself into my arms. “I’m so sorry you went through that, Ryan, and it’s not your fault. Either situation.” She looks up at me, tears streaming down her face. “I hate you’ve believed that for years, and I’m so fucking pissed at Myndi for treating you like that.”
“And that’s why I never told you or Slate. I didn’t want to come between your friendship.”
“You’re my brother. I love you, and I always want to be the shoulder you lean on. I need you to promise that you’ll never shut me out again. I hate the thought you were dealing with that on your own.”
She’s sobbing, and I hate seeing her cry. I wrap her up in my arms, kissing the top of her head. “I promise I won’t keep stuff from you again.”
Sniffling, she straightens up, taking my hand and dragging me toward the living room. “Good. Now, just remember that, and don’t be mad.” She shoves me into the room on my own, pulling the door closed behind her.
Myndi stands in front of the fireplace, staring at me, her eyes red from crying, her skin damp with tears.
My guard goes up automatically. “Why are you here?” I glance around the room, wondering where her baby is. Gabby let it slip the other night she’d given birth to a little girl. But there’s only the two of us here, so she must’ve left the baby at home with her fiancé.
“Because Gabby called and told me what you said.”
“And?” Because that still doesn’t explain it.
“It wasn’t your fault, Ryan,” she says, nervously approaching me. “And I’ve wanted to apologize to you for years, but you never let me speak.”
“What does it matter now?”
“It matters because you’ve pushed that girl away because of me!”
I harrumph. “Don’t flatter yourself, Myndi. Summer and me breaking up had nothing to do with you.”
No Feelings Involved: A Brother's Best Friend Standalone Romance Page 22