“I care for him, Ray. That sounds unprofessional. It is. Believe me, I know. But the fact is it happened.”
He cast her an assessing glance. “I’d rather not know about that.”
Professional courtesy – it made her feel a little better. “At least you understand where I’m coming from.”
He nodded but didn’t appear pleased about sharing the knowledge. Margo dropped her fork onto her plate and sat back. Her neck ached, her arm was sore where Zane had bumped it in his struggle, and her head felt like a Mack truck had run over it.
“He’s been fine for months. He did well in town earlier. But…” She leaned forward. “It’s that song. It has something to do with that particular song.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“For one thing, ‘Forever Friends’ was the piece I sang at his place. Did he tell you about that?”
He shook his head no. “That could be coincidence.”
“Yes, but I heard those boys in there. They played that particular song on purpose and they knew Zane was going to blow.”
Ray set his fork down and leaned over. “Are you sure?”
“Positive. I overheard them when they saw Zane.” She quickly recounted the conversation. “I asked Nan. She thinks it could have been playing the other time Zane came to town.”
“The connection to the song makes sense. What doesn’t is, why that song? There were tons of songs out in the sixties.”
The waiter brought more coffee. Margo watched Ray measure sugar and cream. She played with her napkin to keep from following instinct and standing up to pace.
What she really wanted to do was ask this man to tell her everything he’d found out about Zane. Of course, that was impossible, but he might drop information here and there. The temptation was great, and she could even rationalize that probing would benefit Zane in the end.
Ray finally took a sip of his coffee. “Seems like classic stress syndrome to me.”
“Yes. But what’s the reason? A Huey flying overhead or anything that sounded like gunfire, that I could understand. But a song? Something traumatic happened while it was playing. It may not even be related to the war.”
Ray wiped his lips with the napkin and set it back in his lap. “It’s a puzzle all right.”
“What is your game plan tomorrow?” She could at least ask that.
“His brother is coming up. We’ll do what we can to release Zane. I’m sure they will, especially knowing he’s in my care.”
Margo immediately started on a plan to see Zane. If she waited outside the city police department, she might catch sight of him when he was released. She doubted he’d be outright rude and refuse to talk to her – not when she confronted him face-to-face.
The problem with that plan was that she’d have to confront Vinnie as well. Margo didn’t think it would be a good idea, considering how Zane’s brother felt about her. But again, Zane’s welfare overruled the wiser course of action to take.
They didn’t linger much longer at the café. Ray finished his meal. Margo ate a few more bites of her hamburger, but she didn’t have much of an appetite.
After Ray drove them back to the motel, Margo paced in her room until the walls seemed to close in on her.
A knock sounded at her door. To her surprise, Vinnie stood there.
“I thought you were coming tomorrow.”
“I flew up tonight. I’d like to talk to you. Can I come in?”
Margo debated. After Vinnie’s earlier threats she should stay away from him, but he was Zane’s brother. If she and Zane pursued a relationship she would eventually have to deal with Vinnie.
“Come on in.” She gestured toward the table by the window.
Vinnie took off his jacket and draped it on the bed before seating himself on one of the chairs. Wary and alert, Margo sat across from him.
Vinnie got right to the point. “Before I talk to Zane I want to know why you’re here.”
Margo studied his features. There was no malicious intent in his expression, simply concern for his brother. The situation required honesty.
“I care for Zane.” She stared into Vinnie’s face, so like his brother’s yet so different.
“What does this mean?”
Uncomfortable now, Margo flushed. “You mean, am I sleeping with him?”
A sad smile formed. “I wouldn’t blame my brother for a minute. You’re a beautiful woman.”
“I want it, Vinnie. Understand that. But we haven’t yet.”
“I’m glad to know that.” He rubbed his fingers together to finally pause and form a steeple. “But sex is not what worries me.”
Margo played with the magazine on the table. Her relationship with Zane was too new and too unstable to be put under scrutiny by his brother. It wasn’t fair.
“I’m not going to be a threat to you or Zane,” Vinnie told her. “I’d never do anything to hurt…”
Margo interrupted. “I can understand not hurting Zane. What changed your mind about me?”
“Zane explained, implicitly, I might add, that your relationship was clean. But it’s more than that. He’s a different man since you left. He started going to the outreach center. He’s been opening up, discussing plans for the future.”
Margo’s curiosity was aroused. Did his plans for the future include her? It took effort, but she managed not to ask.
“Ma and I feel your influence has turned him around. If you’re still in his life we aren’t going to object.”
It was a start. She relaxed her guard, but she had to make him understand.
“I didn’t make Zane change. He did it himself. We have an interest in each other but no commitment. In fact, today’s the first time I’ve seen him since we were all together.”
“You probably have a lot to offer him. A lot that he needs. But what about you?” Vinnie asked.
“I need him.”
“But will you have him? After today…”
“There will always be times like this, Vinnie. No one ever completely overcomes their nightmares or past experiences. They just learn to cope with the onset of their reactions.”
Vinnie shook his head. “For years now Ma and Sara and I have hoped for a change. We were so sure our love would reach through whatever nightmares he has. But it didn’t. All we have is heartache and sorrow. I don’t want that for you too.”
“It’s too late to issue warnings against loving him, Vinnie. It may not be the wisest thing to do, but the fact is it’s already done. I do love him and I’m not going to give up on him.”
Vinnie reached across the table and patted her hand. “I guess you wouldn’t. You have a reputation for being dedicated and determined.”
“And I have a lot more at stake with Zane than I do with my patients.”
He smiled. “If my brother has any brains in that Zanelli head of his, he’ll shape up and listen to you. For your sake as well as Zane’s, I hope you succeed.”
“I will. I promise you that.” Margo appreciated the support. Maybe Vinnie could help her out. “About tomorrow. Will you see if you can get Zane to talk to me?”
“I’ll see what I can do. I can’t make any guarantees.”
She stood when he did. It would have to do – for now anyway. At least she could count on Vinnie’s support. In the morning she’d decide her next course of action, after talking to Zane.
***
The night dragged. Nervous and restless, Margo passed the long, lonely hours pacing in the small room. The motel had none of the old-fashioned charm of the Fort Bragg Inn. It was standard fare with uninteresting furniture, paintings, and a television bolted to the wall. The stale smell of cigarette smoke clung to the carpet and drapes. Margo was never more ready for anything than she was to get out of that room.
With the first streaks of light on the eastern horizon, she dressed in a pink sweat suit and headed for the beach. She hoped the crisp ocean breeze would clear the cobwebs from her head. It would also help pass the time from the earl
y dawn until visiting hours at the jail.
Her feet sank into deep sand with each thoughtful step. The breeze tossed her hair and salt spray chilled her cheeks, but she hardly noticed. Memories haunted her: Zane’s arm across her shoulders as it had been when they’d hiked the beach yesterday, the same surf pounding, his laughter carrying across the water, his smile warming her heart.
Now she walked along the beach alone, physically free but as confined as Zane – not by bars as he was, but by worry and a frustrating sense of helplessness.
Finally it was time to get dressed and meet Vinnie. He’d promised to take her to breakfast and then to the police department. There wasn’t much choice in her wardrobe. She put on her camel slacks. After slipping on the royal blue sweater, she had to re-comb her hair. A glance at her reflection in the mirror made her grimace. She looked like she felt – stressed out and exhausted.
Before she’d put on her lipstick, a knock sounded at her door. It was Vinnie.
At the coffee shop in town, she sat on her side of the booth and studied Vinnie. “You don’t look much more rested than I do.”
He tried to smile. “Have you thought about what you’re going to do if he won’t talk to you?”
“Only all night. I won’t give up.”
“I didn’t figure you would.” He bit into his toast. “What I’ll do is try and get him released. If I pay off the inn they should drop the charges.”
“Can you talk him into moving back to the city? They have an outreach program there.”
He bit off another piece of toast and chewed for a few minutes. “I’ll try. If he won’t come, I’ll get him back to his place. At least I’ll know he’ll be all right there.”
“If that happens, I’ll go on back to the city.”
Through the rest of the meal, which neither of them ate completely, Margo pictured Zane in the city. His presence would be both a blessing and a trial.
At the police station she waited another endless hour. Her efforts to look nice and remain positive were for naught. Zane absolutely refused to see her.
“What did he say?” she asked when Vinnie and Ray Smith came out to tell her.
“You don’t want to hear it.”
Tears backed up in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She turned to Vinnie. “Tell him…” She paused, took a deep breath, and tried again. “You know what to say.”
Vinnie nodded. Sympathy clouded his features, but that was all he could offer. “You’d better head on back to the Bay Area,” he advised. “I’ll talk to him. I can’t promise, but I’ll try to get him home.”
It wasn’t until she made it outside the police department that she lost control. Tears blinded her as she fumbled with the lock of her car. Once inside, she leaned her head on the steering wheel and let the tears come. After several minutes of self-indulgence she swiped at the tracks of moisture and shifted into gear.
The powerful car moved with ease. She sank back into the seat and focused on the luxurious feel of the soft upholstery – anything to get her mind off of Zane. She hadn’t failed. Zane would come to the city. If not, he’d call her again. That thought kept her going all the way into the Bay Area.
By mid-afternoon she arrived in Berkeley. Instead of heading home, she decided to drop by her mother’s apartment. She should be back from her conference by now.
Surprise showed on Bettina’s face when she opened the door to her daughter. “Your note said you wouldn’t be home until this evening. Where’d you go?”
“You won’t believe what I’ve been through.” Margo slid out of her jacket as she entered the foyer. “Zane was…”
She paused when she spotted Fred sitting on the couch. Why was he here? Certainly not to discuss her, she hoped.
“Hello, Margo.” Curiosity showed in his eyes. He sat stiff and alert.
“Good to see you, Fred.” She was sorry she hadn’t noticed him sooner, before she’d mentioned Zane.
“Did you go to Fort Bragg?” Fred asked.
Bettina brought a cup of coffee for Margo and handed it to her. The look of concern in her mother’s eyes didn’t go unnoticed. Margo took a sip of coffee and mentally braced for the grilling she knew she was about to get. Neither Fred nor her mother disappointed her.
Margo endured the lecture from her mother and from Fred. They had every right to their anger and she knew they’d feel better after they vented it. She sat and listened, wishing she could absorb the energy flying her way.
Fred looked at Bettina and rubbed his fingers through his hair. “Can you believe this? No reaction. She pulls a stunt like that and then just sits there.”
“Tell us what happened,” Bettina asked, ignoring Fred’s complaint.
Margo explained as much as she could without going into detail about Zane’s blowup. “So you see, because of my feelings for him, I went up there.”
“Well, you’re not going up there again.” Fred stood and paced, something he rarely did. “You’re crazy to risk your license.”
“I agree with Fred,” Bettina joined in. “You aren’t doing him or yourself any good.”
“It doesn’t matter what you think.” Margo leaned back into the cushions of the couch. “I care for him.”
Both Fred and Bettina fastened her with stunned gazes. She ignored them and took a sip of coffee, almost gagging on the strong taste. Fred must have made it, she thought.
“Vinnie’s going to try and get Zane down here today. If he doesn’t come, I’m planning to visit him up north.”
Fred slammed his coffee mug onto the table. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard from you since this whole Zanelli business began.”
Margo glanced at her mother to see her reaction. Bettina didn’t say a word but trained a disconcerting gaze on her daughter. Margo sighed, knowing her mother must be formulating all kinds of arguments. She didn’t disappoint her.
“Do you plan to date him?” she asked. “You haven’t forgotten the law?”
“I’m not dating him. We just spent the day together – talking.”
Fred swiveled around. “You’ve been gone since yesterday morning.”
Bettina sighed. “Cher. I hate to see you become involved in a relationship with a man who has problems.”
Margo closed her eyes and willed patience. “Who doesn’t have problems? For heaven’s sake, he’s not a basket case.”
Images of him smashing the jukebox focused. Shaking the memory away, she said, “Look, I have a right to a private life.”
Fred and Bettina watched her closely. Margo forced herself to still, realizing too late that she’d given more away than she intended with such an impassioned statement.
Fred opened his mouth, about to question her. She quickly stood to avoid it and spoke to her mother. “I’m exhausted, and I’m going home.” She knew she should have done that in the first place. “I’ll see you tomorrow, maman. Later, Fred.”
Margo swept out of the room, aware that she’d left Fred and her mother nonplussed with her actions. They would find out soon enough how serious her feelings for Zane were. Right now, they were too fragile to discuss. If she kept busy it would get her through the day until she’d hear from Vinnie. He’d promised to call her tonight.
***
Zane watched his brother disappear down the track. Part of him was relieved to finally be left alone: no more hassles from the law, no more pretense that he would be all right, no more reminders that he didn’t belong in the civilized world. Like the last particles of dust thrown up by the tires and blowing away in the wind, Zane’s pressures disappeared.
But part of him hurt unbearably. Now that Vinnie had left and now that he wouldn’t see Margo again, those spaces he’d begun to fill emptied, leaving raw sores around the edges of his heart.
He fought against the urge to lash out and throw any movable object. He’d already succumbed to that urge once. It had crumbled the new world he’d been foolish enough to think he could build.
They were j
ust dreams. He’d been a fool to think he could forget for a moment what he’d done. It was just as well the incident in Fort Bragg occurred. Now Margo would understand why she shouldn’t love a man like him. Both of them were better off. She was out of his life – except in his nightmares. He had a feeling Margo had just added new ones to the old collection.
Zane shifted to his other leg and rolled his head to ease the tension tying his muscles in knots. Would he ever forget the sound of her soothing voice while she tried to pull him away from the music? Would he stop seeing the look of confusion and hurt in her eyes?
Zane headed up the stairs and entered his house. The minute he walked in the door he could picture her there. He remembered the smell of her perfume. A mug, half full of coffee, sat on the counter and reminded him of her laughter. His tongue traced his lips, tasting her in his mind.
Slowly he took the stairs to the loft. When he could see into the room, he paused, taking in the rumpled sheets and remembering the way she looked when she slept there.
Abruptly he swiveled around and headed down the stairs, out the back door, and across the meadow. He bypassed the workshop, knowing there would be reminders of her in there too. He didn’t have to go inside to picture her slender fingers holding the wood; hands that he wished were holding him.
Grass brushed against his jeans as he crossed the meadow to the edge of the woods. The small shed sat in the shadows, dark and haunted and alone – just like him.
His fingers shook as he fumbled for the key and then tried to fit it in the lock. Slowly the door swung open. Light shafted into the small room, but it didn’t brighten the horror of the statue.
Zane stared at it, knowing deep in his soul that he should never love another human being. The pain of the loss was too much to bear.
***
Margo shifted her briefcase to her other hand as she headed down the concourse to the baggage claim area. It was bad enough that her plane from Seattle had been a half hour late, but on top of that it was now rush hour. She’d be lucky to get back to the office by seven.
At least arriving that late, she wouldn’t run into her mother or Fred. She’d been putting off his calls all week. Her consulting job in Seattle had kept her away from his probing questions and accusations. Fred was becoming a real pain, and that saddened Margo. She didn’t like losing his friendship.
Love's Miracles Page 26