Another pause, then, ‘It was hard to tell, she had her back to me. She was blonde, had a ponytail, was possibly wearing some sort of gym top. I couldn’t be sure, of course, but I got the feeling she was quite young.’
Nausea washes over me, and it’s a good job I’m sitting down because I sense there’s more. ‘And what else?’
‘Greg was leaning in towards her. I think they were holding hands.’
So that’s it, then. He’s having an affair. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. But I am surprised she’s young. One thing I’ve always considered Greg to be is dignified. Also cautious, timid, where women are concerned. I mean, he took bloody long enough to ask me out and we were practically the same age. But carrying on with some peroxide gym bunny? That I didn’t expect.
It’s hard to take, especially right now, what with all that’s happened lately; it’s suddenly all getting on top of me. I wonder, all those nights Greg was supposedly working late in the office, even yesterday when he missed lunch because he was supposedly closing a deal, was he actually off banging his mistress, playing me for a fool? What the hell will Miranda think? She’ll be furious, that’s for sure. Jealous, too. She just about accepted me. But some dollybird? I can’t help thinking this will prove too much for her.
‘Chrissy, you still there?’
I wonder if I am. I feel like I’ve left my body and am looking down at this pitiful, scraggy woman who not only lost her child, but has now lost her husband. Doubtless it’s payback for my affair. An affair I should have stopped when Heidi was born, but didn’t, all because I was too selfish. I am suddenly appalled by myself. What right do I have to be angry with Greg? I asked for this.
‘Yes, yes, I’m still here. Did he see you?’
‘Yes. We just stared at each other for a few seconds. Part of me wanted to march straight up to their table and ask him what the hell was going on. But I panicked, bottled it, I’m ashamed to say. I turned around and walked straight out.’ Janine pauses, then says, ‘I’m so sorry, Chrissy. Of all things, I never pegged Greg for a cheat. I always thought of him as one of the good ones. And the cheek of meeting her in public like that, and so close to where you live – I mean, it’s just so… it’s just so bloody brazen! I’m so angry with him. How could he do this to you? It’s unforgivable.’
I appreciate Janine standing up for me. She probably expects me to rant and rave in response to this startling news. But I am not entitled to rant and rave. That would make me a hypocrite, although she’s not to know that. So, I take a deep breath, try and stay calm, and say, ‘I can hardly blame him, after the way I’ve treated him.’
But Janine is right about the brazen bit. That was pretty dumb of him, to risk being seen out in public with her, in the area where we live. And why was he meeting her so early? Was he unloading his problems onto her, telling her how we’d rowed the night before about him not being around for lunch, asking for her advice on whether he should leave me?
‘Infidelity is still inexcusable,’ Janine insists.
Jesus, how I envy her and her simplistic way of looking at things. Sometimes, I think I would have been much happier had I been ordinary like her. Less driven. And I don’t mean that in a nasty way. It’s just that when you’re pretty and ambitious, your expectations are so much higher, and you find it hard to be content with the mundane, simple things in life. I constantly wanted more, and I wasted the opportunities life threw at me to be happy, with Heidi and with Greg, all for the sake of sex. I’ve been shallow and stupid, and it may be too late for second chances.
But I don’t argue, just say, ‘How the hell do I deal with this, Jani? What do I say to him? He’ll assume you’ve told me.’
‘I’d give him hell.’
‘Really? Rather than give him the chance to own up first?’
‘No, why should you? You need to go on the offensive, show him you’re not a pushover. Confront him when he comes home tonight. And if he has a problem with that, tell him he can go to hell.’
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by Janine’s tough stance; she’s my best friend and she’s only sticking up for me, trying to protect me from further heartache, which is what best friends do. I’d do the same for her. As I know Miranda would for Greg. When Heidi went missing, and Miranda saw what it did to him, she was a tower of strength. At first coming to stay with us, and then later, when she and Duncan moved up North, at the end of the phone, ready to lend an ear in his darkest moments. She put me to shame, really. And I suspect she secretly resents me for pushing Greg away when what he needed most from his wife was comfort. I mean, she has lost it with me on a couple of occasions.
‘OK,’ I say, ‘I will.’
Just then, I realize I haven’t told her about Dr Cousins being Daniel’s fiancée; the reason I called her in the first place. I check my watch; it’s 10.30. I need to leave soon.
‘Jani, there’s something I need to tell you. Something you’re not going to believe.’
‘Oh God, I don’t think I can take any more surprises. Go on then, hit me.’
‘Daniel’s fiancée is Dr Cousins.’
No response. I don’t blame her for being lost for words.
‘You’re joking, right?’ she finally says.
‘No. I nearly fell over when I opened the door and saw her standing there.’
‘Unbelievable. You’re sure? Absolutely sure?’
‘Course I’m sure.’
‘How did she react? Did she know?’
‘No, she had no idea. Daniel had barely mentioned me to her, which just goes to show how much he hates me. I guess he didn’t want to put her off by telling her about his crazy mother.’
‘He doesn’t hate you.’
‘OK, so maybe “hate” is too strong a word, but he doesn’t like me, he thinks I’m nuts. So why would he tell the woman he’s in love with that his mother’s a basket case? You wouldn’t, would you?’
‘She’s a shrink, she should be more understanding than most. Plus, she’s older, less fickle. I’m guessing that’s what drew him to her.’
‘Yes, but surely the last thing she wants to do is talk shop when she’s not working. That should be her escape time.’
‘So why did he bring her round for lunch?’
‘Well, he probably had no option, having got engaged. I mean, he had to introduce her to me and Greg at some point, whether he liked it or not. And maybe she thought it strange he hadn’t done so yet? Maybe she forced his hand.’
‘Has Daniel met her parents?’
‘Her mother died of cancer when she was a teenager and her father lives in the US with his second wife. I guess we’ll meet him at some point, though. Along with her brother, who’s here in London, apparently.’
‘That’s so sad, I had no idea,’ Janine murmurs.
I remember Freya’s woeful expression when she told me about her mother. It made me feel guilty for burdening her with my problems when she herself – through no fault of her own – had such a sad family history. A history I had hitherto been oblivious to, but that perhaps explained her focus on grief therapy. And it made me think, still makes me think, how can I continue to see her when I know she has problems of her own?
‘So you’re still going to see her, despite all this?’ Janine asks. ‘Isn’t that unethical? Have you told Miranda?’
‘Technically, it’s not against the law until we’re related. So I will continue for now. Freya tried her best to reassure me that it shouldn’t change things until she and Daniel are married. I’m not so sure, but let’s see. And no, I’ve not yet mentioned it to Miranda. I’m sure she’ll be as shocked as the rest of us.’
‘Give it a go, at least. It’d be a shame to stop seeing Dr Cousins when you think her sessions are doing you good. Why don’t you give Miranda a call, see what she thinks?’
Truth be told, I’m not sure I can have a conversation with Miranda about Freya without spilling the beans on Greg’s affair at the same time. Janine’s reaction was bad enough, goodnes
s knows what Miranda’s will be. I can’t have her laying into Greg before I’ve confronted him myself. So, I chicken out, pass the buck to Janine.
‘Would you mind telling Miranda about Freya for me?’ I ask.
‘Me?’ Janine sounds briefly confused, before twigging. ‘Ah, I see. You don’t want her knowing about Greg’s affair just yet. Right?’
‘Yes.’
‘No problem,’ she says.
I smile, grateful that despite the mess my life has become, my friends remain the one constant I can rely on. ‘Thanks. And I will continue seeing Dr Cousins for now. As you say, I can only give it a go.’
Chapter Thirty-Six
Greg
Now
I’m at the office, sitting at my desk trying to work, but it’s a struggle. I can’t seem to focus on anything. I’m too full of panic, wondering what the hell I’m going to do now that Janine’s seen me with Amber. OK, so she didn’t see her face, but she did see that I was holding hands with another woman, so all in all it’s not looking good for me. She didn’t even give me the chance to concoct some false explanation. Just glared at me – a look that said, How could you, you cheating swine? – then turned around and walked out the door.
I wonder if you know already, Chrissy. Whether, the second Janine left the café, she whipped out her phone and called you to let you know that your husband is an adulterer. I dare not call or text you, even though I know I’m probably already in the doghouse for shooting off early this morning, without bothering to leave you a note or send you a message checking that you’re OK after our argument last night. I also wonder if Miranda knows. She’s the only other person Janine might ring and tell, perhaps to teach me a lesson, cause me to lose the only true friend I have left in this world. As far as I’m aware, she doesn’t know. I think if she did, she’d have rung me up straight away and given me hell. She’d be jealous, but more so, disappointed. Wondering how the man she loved could sink so low, become such a cliché?
Clearly, I’m getting my just desserts for cheating on you. What a fool I’ve been for thinking I could get away with my affair without you finding out. But then again, perhaps deep down, I wanted to get found out. Perhaps Janine seeing me with Amber is my ticket to freedom, my way out of our shambolic marriage. Maybe it’s your way out too? Only, unlike me, you’ll have the moral high ground and feel entitled to kick me out first because I’m the one who cheated.
Then again, will you? After all, the reason I met up with Amber this morning was because I needed to talk to someone about the email. The email that alleges you’re not so squeaky clean yourself. That you slept around behind my back, quite possibly when we were still happily married and had Heidi in our lives. I focus on this, and in doing so, feel less anxious about you confronting me about Amber.
I just hope Amber doesn’t begrudge me for using her as a sounding board, for bringing my problems into her life. Right now, I need her.
Right now, she’s the only thing keeping me sane.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Christine
Now
‘Please try not to feel awkward, Christine. At this moment, I’m not thinking of you as my future mother-in-law. I see you as my patient and nothing else. Rest assured that nothing you say to me will leave these four walls. I have never discussed your issues with Daniel, and I never will. He knows how seriously I take my work, and therefore not to ask questions.’
I appreciate Dr Cousins’ assurances, but Daniel is the least of my worries. By not even mentioning your disappearance to her – nor how it affected us all, particularly me – it just goes to show how he’s tried to blank all of that out and couldn’t give a monkey’s how I feel or what I say to my shrinks in private. All he sees is a rotten mother who deserves to be miserable.
No, it’s my own awkwardness that concerns me. Whether I can come to terms with my future daughter-in-law knowing my innermost thoughts, my murkiest secrets. After all, she doesn’t know the whole story yet; she doesn’t know the worst part, and if I tell her everything, what will she think of me? How will she be able to sit in a room with me, Greg and our children, without telling them what I’ve done, what I am?
An adulterer and a fraud.
But despite my misgivings, I stay. There’s just something about her that calms me. ‘OK,’ I say, ‘let’s see how it goes.’
She smiles, then says, ‘So, I get the impression there’s something you want to get off your chest. Something that’s been burdening you for some time now, something related to Heidi’s disappearance.’
She’s too sharp. I want to tell her, I really do, and before I spoke to Janine earlier, I thought today might be the day. But Janine’s revelation has put a spanner in the works. All I can think about is Greg’s adultery.
Right now, I’m lying on Dr Cousins’ couch. If I was going to tell her about my affair, I would have stayed in this position because I wouldn’t have had the courage to look her in the eye. But instead, I’m going to tell her about Greg’s affair, and for that, I feel the urge to face her square-on. ‘Do you mind if I come and sit opposite you?’ I ask. ‘I think I’d prefer that.’
‘Of course not.’ She smiles and waits patiently for me to get off the couch and park myself in the tan leather chair facing her. It’s strange seeing her in a suit again. Her hair pinned up with the same black clip, glasses on, perfect make-up. Almost like a different person. I’m glad of it. It helps me separate ‘Dr Cousins’ from ‘Freya’.
Once seated, my insides burn with trepidation as I work up the nerve to tell her. She’s not even met Greg, but perhaps it’s a good thing that she can’t put a face to the name. It will allow her to view him in a detached manner. Her eyes fix on mine, willing me to confide in her. And then I go for it.
‘Before I came here today, I found out that Greg is most probably cheating on me.’
Not a hint of emotion. No reaction at all. As it should be. I’m encouraged by this.
‘I see. How did you discover that?’
‘Janine told me.’
Obviously, she knows I am here on Janine’s recommendation, that Janine and I are best friends, and therefore I can trust my source implicitly.
‘How did Janine find out?’
‘She saw them together this morning. They were having coffee in Deco’s on the Finchley Road.’
‘That’s not proof he’s having an affair.’
I swallow hard. ‘They were holding hands.’
A slight flicker of the eyes, then, ‘Still, he might have been comforting her about something.’
She’s trying to rationalize the situation, which is her job, of course. And I’d like to think that her possible explanation is a viable one. But one, judging by the blonde hair, ponytail, gym top, it’s likely this girl’s young and attractive; two, I don’t have a clue who she is – Greg has never mentioned her to me, which proves he’s been hiding her from me deliberately; and three, why sneak off to meet her at 8 a.m. before work? It smells bad to me. I tell all this to Dr Cousins.
‘OK, so, granted, that doesn’t look great.’ She pauses, then says sharply, ‘But are you surprised? After all the years you’ve neglected him, it can’t come as a shock to you that he’s having an affair. Men have affairs all the time, and I would have thought he’s more justified than most.’
Her sudden brusqueness catches me off guard. That same shock treatment she initiated last time. And when I look into her eyes, they are no longer soft and sympathetic, but hard and accusatory. It’s almost a look of disgust.
‘No,’ I stammer, ‘I’m not surprised; I’ve been a terrible wife, and a terrible mother.’ I can barely look her in the eye as I say this, but I brave it and see that her expression has softened again. It’s a little unsettling. She gives me a faint smile.
‘That’s good. Good that you are admitting your mistakes; that’s all part of the healing process. The question now is, what are you going to do with this information?’
‘I don’t know.’
/> It’s true, I don’t. Part of me wants to hurl abuse at him. But the other part knows I am a fraud; an even worse liar than him. So what right do I have to take him to task?
‘You can’t let it fester, Christine,’ she says. ‘It will eat you alive. You must confront him about it.’
Rationally speaking, she’s right, but she doesn’t know what’s stopping me. Do I tell her now? This is the perfect moment; I’ll never be able to make proper progress before I confess to what I consider to be responsible for my life descending into total wretchedness.
I hesitate.
‘Don’t hold back, Christine,’ she urges, ‘it’s what I’m here for. You can trust me, tell me anything. I’m not here to judge you. I’m the one person who won’t judge you.’
She sounds so sincere, and I’m about to explode with longing to tell her, get it out of my system once and for all, but I still can’t bring myself to tell her everything. So instead, I tell her half the story.
‘This is very difficult for me,’ I say rather lamely.
‘I know,’ she says gently. ‘But from small steps, we can make great strides. Just tell me. Think of it as a horrid medicine you know you must take to feel better.’
I inhale deeply. ‘OK.’ A brief pause, then, ‘I had an affair.’
Fuck. It’s out. After twenty-three years of suppressed guilt, I’ve told someone and it’s like the biggest sense of release ever. In fact, I feel a bit light-headed, causing me to grip the armrests of my chair just to steady myself.
She notices this. Tilts her head, asks, ‘You OK?’
‘Yes. It’s just that, after keeping it to myself for so long, it feels like quite a big deal telling someone. It’s a relief, though.’
‘I understand. When did this affair happen?’
I’m sure she assumes it was before you disappeared, which explains my guilt, but she obviously has to ask the question. Even so, I feel terrible as I reply, ‘A long time ago. When Greg and I were only just married.’ I swallow hard, then say, ‘Actually, it started before we were married.’
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