by E. M. Leya
"Use that anger and motivation to focus on what you can do. We've got a ton of sick fucks out there who we can catch. Let's bring them down so we don't have to see any more Dannys struggle to get past the abuse." Jeremy handed over a printed paper. "Info on a grandfather uploading photos of his granddaughters. He's not doing it from home. If you have the time, can you follow the trail and help us figure out where he's working from?"
"On it." Marshall turned back to the computer. Nothing bothered him more than someone who would abuse their own family members. If this grandfather was hurting his granddaughters, he'd be happy to see him suffer a little. God, the world was a horrible place.
As he worked, his mind was on everything that happened with Danny. He rolled his shoulders, the stress of everything getting to him. He wanted Danny. Loved what they shared, but was it right to do what they'd been doing? Was he doing more harm than good? Danny wasn't someone to play with. If he got in a relationship, it needed to be a serious one. Was Marshall ready for that? He pinched the bridge of his nose, part of him wishing he'd told Danny no to the kiss. Another part of him couldn't wait to do it again. His cock hardened at just the memory of what they'd done together.
Great, now he was getting aroused at work, which considering what he did for a living should never happen. He pushed away from the computer and glanced at Jeremy. "I need a drink. You want anything?"
"I'm good, but thanks." Jeremy didn't even lift his head from whatever he was working on.
Marshall made his way to the kitchen, debating if he should just give up and go home, but he didn't want to bother Danny and Jessica's time together. He pulled a cold bottle of water out of the fridge and sat down. At least he'd have cake or cookies to go home to when he finally did leave.
He heard the front door open and close, then glanced up to see Rani walking in. He grinned seeing his best friend. "Well, isn't this a surprise. We never see you during the day. I was starting to worry you were a vampire."
"Funny. I actually have a whole day off. I slept in a bit, went to the gym, and now I plan to kick back in front of the TV and do nothing the rest of the day."
"Sounds nice."
"How're things going at home? Danny okay?" Rani poured himself a glass of iced tea and sat down at the table.
"He's doing really good. Had a bad nightmare the other night, but I think that will be the norm for a while. He's struggling with a few things, but honestly, with all he's gone through, he's doing amazing."
"Anything I can help with?" Rani offered.
Marshall tapped his finger against the plastic water bottle. "No, nothing medical really. He's started getting erections again which I think is a good thing, though he's not really comfortable with them."
"He spent years being raped. I would imagine anything sexual would make him nervous, but what do you mean started getting them again? He didn't get them while he was being held?"
Marshall bit his lip as he debated how much of Danny's personal business to tell. "Um, well, he was forced to wear a cock cage for at least the last year or so of his captivity. The doctor at the hospital had to cut it off when he was rescued. So, for him, it's a new thing. His body just quit trying to get hard after a while with that fucking cage on."
"Damn." Rani winced.
"Yeah, and even before that, he said it was rare and only happened mostly when he slept."
"So he's uncomfortable with them now?"
"Yeah, a bit. He's struggling I think because he has needs, but he also relates almost anything sexual to his abuse. I'm so fucking worried I'll say or do the wrong thing and fuck him up worse."
"You've talked to him about what to do?"
"He asked me."
"And you told him?"
Marshall sighed. "At first I suggested a cold shower, which worked, but those aren't fun, so we talked about masturbation."
"Which is the route most of us take if we wake up with morning wood."
"Right? But that didn't work for him. He can't get himself there."
"Ah, mental block?"
"Probably."
"Is that something he can talk to his therapist about?" Rani asked.
"I'm not sure. I don't know really how personal they get on topics, but since Danny feels comfortable with me, we talk about it. I just want to make sure I don't mess him up worse by suggesting things he's not ready for."
Rani's eyes narrowed. "Did something happen?"
Marshall sighed and slumped in his chair.
"Seriously? Marsh, you've got to be careful with him."
"You think I don't know that? I didn't know what to do. He asks me things, and I have no clue how to answer him. I'm honest, telling him what I'd do, what I think, but is that the right thing? Then he started talking about thinking he was gay but wasn't sure. He asked me to kiss him."
Rani's eyes widened. "And you did?"
"Not at first, but then yeah, I figured it couldn't hurt. He was curious. It was supposed to be just a kiss."
"But it wasn't?"
Marshall wiped his hand down his face and shook his head.
"You want me to guess what happened or are you going to tell me?"
I'm a fool." Marshall sighed.
"Tell me you didn't fuck him."
"What? Hell no. I wouldn't do that to him. But the kiss led to both of us being aroused, and I suggested we both go to our rooms and take care of issues when he wouldn't get soft after. He wanted to watch me. We ended up jacking off together, but he still couldn't get himself there. I had no problem, of course. So, he asked me to help him."
Rani sighed but didn't say anything.
"When my hand couldn't seem to do the job for him, I ended up blowing him. That did it, but now I feel like I took advantage of him and probably fucked him up even more than he already was." God, why was he even admitting to all this?
"Was he okay after?" Rani asked.
"Yeah, he seems to be. We talked a bit this morning and he says he wants to kiss and see how things go, but I'm not sure he is ready for any of this."
"He's the one who asked you to do all this, right?"
Marshall nodded. "Pretty much. I might have offered the blow job."
"But not once did you ask him to do anything to you?"
"Hell, no. I wouldn't."
"Then I don't see a problem. He's asked for help understanding things and dealing with his erections. You've communicated about it all, talked through it. If you're both comfortable with things, then why not help each other out. It might be the perfect way for him to see that not everyone wants to hurt him and that sexual things aren't always meant to be hurtful or painful." Rani stood, poured more tea in his glass, then sat back down. "I'm not sure you can put a timeline on when things are right and wrong. Like you, I'd think that it was too soon. Hell, after what he's been through, I'm not sure I'd ever want to think about anything sexual again, but if he is thinking it, who better than you to help him learn that it can be an enjoyable thing? "
"I just don't want to hurt him."
Rani watched him for a moment then smiled. "You're falling for him, aren't you?"
Marshall huffed a loud breath, then buried his head in his arms on top of the table. "I'm fucked, aren't I?"
Rani laughed. "I don't know about that, but you sure have your work cut out for you. Does he know how you feel?"
"Not really. He knows I like kissing and holding him. I asked him if I could do it in front of others and he agreed, but I'm not sure he understands what it all means. I don't want to mess with his emotions. It's his first real experiences, and I'm not sure I'm the one who should be leading him through it. What if I fuck him up even more than he already is?"
"What if you don't? What if you're exactly what he needs?" Rani raised a brow.
"How did I get myself into this?" Marshall got up and leaned against the counter. "I really like him, Rani, but sometimes I feel like a pervert taking advantage of some innocent child because he's been so secluded from the world. He's experiencing th
ings most of us went through by fourteen."
"He's not a child. He's nineteen, and while he might be behind on experiencing things, it's not like he doesn't understand. He's been through hell and faced more than most of us will ever face in our lives. Maybe you need to stop focusing on him being a victim and focus more on him surviving everything he has. I get why you're scared, but I got the feeling from Danny when we talked, he isn't the type to sit back and just let you lead him. He's a pretty independent thinker. Talk to him, tell him your concerns, but if you are going to be honest with him about your fears, I think it's only fair you be honest about your feelings. He deserves to know this is more than sexual for you."
It sounded so easy, but it didn't feel that way.
"Maybe set up a session with his therapist where you both go in and talk about all this. Have someone there to help guide you through what you both want and need." Rani suggested.
"Yeah, maybe." Marshall tossed his water bottle in the trash. "So you don't think I'm horrible for what happened?"
"No, not at all. If it works for both of you, I'm happy that you've found each other. You're smart enough to know what he can handle and realize when you might need to slow down or pull back. And I'm pretty sure that Danny will let you know if he's not comfortable with things."
That was true. He did just that by not coming to bed with him. He'd stood his ground and stayed in his own room. He'd been honest about everything as far as Marshall knew, and seemed to openly communicate his worries without hesitation.
Maybe Rani was right and this wasn't as big a deal as he was making it.
"You're really falling for him, aren't you?" Rani asked.
"I think I could if I let myself. I like him a lot, and I have to admit, just kissing him does more for me than full-on sex has done with others. It just feels right. Like deep in here." He pounded on his chest. "It's not sexual, though there is that part of it, but…" He shook his head. "I'm sounding like a chic flick."
Rani laughed. "Sometimes women are better at understanding all this than we are."
The front door opened and Patrick came walking into the kitchen a moment later. "Hey, what's up?" He reached in the fridge and pulled out a beer.
"Not much. You?" Marshall asked.
"Not a lot. Got a date with a sexy doctor tonight." Patrick grinned at Rani. "You got any hints as to what I should do to make it work?"
"Are you looking for marriage or just sex?" Rani asked.
"Sex, Definity sex." Patrick waggled his eyebrows.
"My advice is to treat him normal. Don't bring up your jobs, don't dwell on the fact he's a doctor. Just have fun and be two guys just hanging out. Don't clutter the night with stuff that doesn't matter." Rani shrugged. "There's nothing worse than going out on a date and having the other person want to talk about work all night. Be more impressed if he knows the latest baseball stats. Let him take off the doctor's mask for a night and just be one of the guys." Rani smiled.
"Oh shit, that reminds me." Marshall straightened. "I need to order tickets. Talk to you soon?" He glanced at Rani.
"Anytime I'm not at work." Rani grinned.
"Then I'll speak to you in a month." Marshall slapped Rani on the arm then looked at Patrick. "Good luck tonight."
"Thanks." Patrick nodded.
Glad he'd had a chance to talk to Rani about things, he rushed back to the computer. He had two baseball tickets to order, and a whole hell of a lot to think about. He needed to decide exactly what he wanted between him and Danny and just go forward. Worrying about it wasn't going to do anything to help either one of them.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
"So have you thought about going back to school?" Jessica asked Danny as he mixed a bowl of cookie dough.
"A bit, but I'm not sure what I want to do. I need to get my GED first, then I can focus on a career. Marshall and my therapist think I should wait a bit and get used to things before rushing into anything, but I hate feeling as if I'm taking advantage of Marshall and his home. He's been so good to me." Danny turned as the oven beeped. He grabbed the oven-mitt and pulled a chocolate cake out to cool.
"I know Marshall, and I doubt he sees it as you taking advantage of him. From what you tell me, you're helping out around the house, finishing the basement, cooking meals, keeping things clean." Jessica sat in one of the stools at the counter with a glass of ice water.
"You make me sound like a housewife, though in a way, I guess I am doing the same things." Danny spooned the cookie dough on the tray. "I'm trying to set myself small goals so I don't get too overwhelmed. I think my next one is to learn to drive."
"Don't rush that. You haven't had to face Denver traffic yet." Jessica grinned. "Seriously, Danny, how are you? Are you adjusting to things okay? I'm not talking just readapting to living a normal life, but are you able to process the past and the abuse?"
Danny froze, glancing up at Jessica. He hated talking about the past. It was just that, the past. He didn't need to dwell on it. He needed to move forward. "Yeah, I think so."
"So you've talked to your counselor about it?" she asked.
Danny shrugged.
"I'll take that as a no." Jessica sighed. "You have to face the past before you can move on with your future. It's not going to just go away, trust me. I spent years going through counseling and support groups, trying to keep my shit together."
Danny looked up. "You?"
Jessica nodded. "I was raped as a child and left for dead. My brother found me in a shed out back. I was messed up, both physically and mentally. I was in the hospital for a long time. My parents were embarrassed by the whole situation. They never said they blamed me, but I knew they were upset that it happened and threw a roadblock into their perfect lives. You have to trust me, the past is the past, but it can jump right in front of you at any moment and the memories of things can pull you down faster than you think."
Danny set the spoon down to give his full attention to Jessica. "But it happened to you as a kid, right?"
"Shit like that doesn't leave you. I still wake up screaming sometimes. It doesn't matter how long ago it was." She softened her gaze. "Are you having nightmares?"
"A few." Danny shrugged. "But I had them when I was being held too. They're nothing new."
"You need to face the past, Danny. You can't just brush it under the rug. Not only did you go through a lot, but you witnessed others being abused too. That's a lot of heavy shit on your shoulders. Then to get free and find out your mother's gone and you're on your own. That's enough to break anyone." She reached across the counter, putting her hand over his. "Have you looked into where your mom was buried or anything?"
Danny pulled his hand away and went back to scooping cookie dough. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"
"Doesn't it?" Jessica asked.
Danny didn't want to talk about his mother. She'd given up on him, taking her own life instead of trying to find him. He'd wanted nothing more than to go home to her, but she wasn't there. She'd left him on his own. At times he didn't blame her. He'd been the one to get himself kidnapped, and it had to have been hard on her all those years wondering if he was alive, but then he was pissed off that she didn't keep fighting, trying to find him. She hadn't found proof he was dead, hadn't seemed to care what would happen if he'd suddenly come home again. "What can I do at her grave. She's dead. Nothing changes dead."
"Wow, you really haven't been dealing with any of this, have you?" She sighed.
"What's to deal with? My mom's dead, I was abused, but now I'm free and trying to move forward. It's that simple. I can focus on the past or the future, and I really don't want to focus on the past."
"But if you don't face it, it will haunt you. You can't just shove it into a suitcase and push it to the back of your mind. It doesn't work that way. It always seems to break free. Trust me, I've spent most of my adult life hunting down the men who raped me and trying to find a way to make them pay. It eats at you. It's going to do the same to you, especially since t
hey haven't caught your pedofuck yet."
"Pedofuck?" Danny stared in shock.
"It's what I call the fuckers who abuse children." She shrugged. "It's fitting."
"It is, but I didn't expect it from you." He laughed softly, then sighed. "Listen, I don't doubt that I probably should be dealing with it somehow, but I don't know how. My counselor is trying to get me to open up, but honestly, how do you tell someone about it all? How do you let them in your head, into your thoughts? It's not something I want to share."
"I promise, he's probably heard worse. If you don't get it out of your head, give it a voice, it will eat you up inside. Do you talk to Marshall about things?"
His cheeks heated and he turned away, hoping she didn't notice. He focused on putting the cookie tray in the oven. "Some, but he doesn't need to hear it either."
"You're trying to protect everyone from your nightmares, but that only makes your nightmares worse, trust me. I've been there. Can you talk to me since I know what it's like?" she asked softly.
He shook his head.
"You know, my brother is a cop here in Denver. He became a police officer because of what happened to me. You'd think it was to stop others from being hurt like I was, but it wasn't. Do you know why he became a cop?"
Danny shook his head.
"Because what happened to me fucked with him too. He became a cop so he could hunt down my rapists. That's why we moved to Denver. They're here in Colorado. Years ago, my brother would have probably broken every law to seek revenge and rushed in killing them both, but over the years and through a ton of counseling, we both calmed down a bit. We still want to make them pay, but we'll do it legally. We're watching and waiting for any reason to take them down. This didn't just fuck me up, but my family as well. It might have fucked my brother up even more than me. Finding me almost dead is something he can't seem to get through."