by E. M. Leya
Danny shook his head. "It's not that easy."
"No, it's not. I know." She smiled at him. "I know exactly how hard it is. I also know how much easier it was once I let the guilt go."
"You have a normal life now?" He asked.
"I think so. I still don't date seriously. I've been to dances and stuff at school, but I'm not ready for more. I don't tell people what happened to me. I mean, some know. They went to school with me back then, but others don't. It's something I won't bring up with someone until I'm in a serious relationship, which, considering I'm focused on becoming a doctor right now, I don't think I need to worry about that for a while." She glanced over at Marshall who had casually moved away to leave them to talk. He was now laughing at something Jeremy said. "How about you? If Marshall's your boyfriend, you must be more comfortable with him."
Danny nodded. "To a point. I still have issues. I'm trying to deal with them and Marshall is patient, but I worry I might be too messed up for him to stick around long-term."
"He might surprise you. This whole group…" She gestured to everyone in the yard. "They're stronger than you could ever imagine. Seriously, some of the best people I've ever met. D and Xander were my guardians for a long time. They'd go places with me, take me to and from school, do whatever I asked of them. Dad struggled because I kind of closed him out, but that was because I was embarrassed. Dad's shouldn't know that kind of stuff about their kids."
"What about your mom?"
"She died before all this happened," Faith said softly.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My mom committed suicide while I was being held." He hated how his voice shook as he said the words. It was something he still really struggled to understand.
"Oh, that's horrible. I'm sorry. So you found out once you were released?"
He nodded.
"Wow, that had to add to your stress for sure." She touched his arm. "Do you have other family?"
"No. I was going to be sent to a half-way house, but that's when Marshall offered to take me in." He glanced over at Marshall. "I don't know what I'd have done without him."
She smiled. "You would have survived. It's what you're good at. You learned how a long time ago."
"I don't feel like a survivor," he admitted.
"I need to make you a list of things to discuss with your counselor," she teased.
"Maybe you should just take his place. You're easier to talk to."
"Because I've been there. It's easier when others have lived what you have."
"How long are you in town?" Danny asked, wishing she never had to leave.
"We're not sure yet. At least a week. This will be my last chance to visit D since I'm headed to school in Pennsylvania in the fall. It's going to be hard being away from everyone. It's been really hard since D left California anyway."
He wondered why a young girl would be so close to such an odd group of men. Were most kids close to their father's friends? It didn't really make sense to him. "You're close to him?"
"D's like family. All the guys who work in California are. Beau is the reason I want to be a doctor. He's the one who kept me focused so I had the grades to get into a good school." She smiled. "The guys here are great too, I just don't know them as well. We've only visited a few times."
Danny stared at her, totally enthralled with Faith. She gave him hope that he might someday have his life as together as she seemed to. He wanted to know more about her kidnapping, wanted to know how she overcame the pain, but he wasn't sure it was polite to ask. "You seem really motivated. How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Let go of what happened to you."
Faith smiled. "Time mostly, but also good support from my friends, from my dad's friends, and like I said, talking to my counselor about everything."
"It's not that easy."
"It is once you let yourself trust."
He sighed. That was easier said than done.
"You know, once you get past being ashamed, it's easier. You have nothing to be ashamed about."
How could she read him so well?
"Tell him your story. Tell him what happened. Get it off your chest."
"You make it sound so easy, but…" He shook his head. "Gary tries to get me to open up. He asks questions, tries to lead me into certain conversations, but I just worry…" Danny kicked the toe of his shoe at the ground, unsure what to say.
"You're worried he'll look at you differently if he knows everything?" Faith asked.
Danny's head snapped up.
"I worried about that too, but then I realized, she already knew. It was in the news, the details weren't there, but she knew I'd been raped multiple times. She knew it was filmed and photographed. I wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know about me other than how all that made me feel. Once I got into my feelings about everything, I was able to relax and talk about it easier." Faith gestured to the people around them. "They all know what happened to both of us. They don't treat us different. They don't look at us different. I realized that most of the fear I had about what others would think of me came from what I was thinking of myself at the time. I thought I was used, dirty, ruined. I thought I'd been stupid for letting it happen. I thought everyone would blame me."
Her words hit hard because those were all things he was thinking. God, how could a stranger understand what he was going through so well?
"None of it's true. You're not broken, weak, used. And no one blames you. Blame sits on the men who hurt us, not on us." She reached for his hand. "When's your next counseling session?"
"Tomorrow."
"If I make you a list, do you think you're strong enough to take it with you and go down the items one at a time and start opening up?"
He bit his lip. He wasn't sure he was strong enough.
"Want me to have someone email your counselor the list?"
He sighed.
"You're not going to heal until you get it out in the open. Telling someone is the only way to keep it from eating you up inside. It's going to destroy you if you don't let it out. You can't keep blaming yourself."
"I wish you could go with me." He gave her a weak smile. She was so easy to talk to and she knew just what to say and how to say it. He couldn't put things to words the way she could.
"I can if your counselor is okay with it. If that's what you really want. I'm sure my dad won't mind."
Danny's eyes widened. "Seriously?"
"If you are really ready to open up. Because if I go, I'm not holding back. I'm going to lay it all out there and tell you and your counselor all the junk you need to talk about. Your counselor might not push you, but I know exactly what you're going through and how you feel, and I will push. I was like you. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to open up and tell. It took forever for me to work through things. Don't put it off or draw it out. I get wanting someone there with you. Xander went with me a lot at first. I could talk easier with him there. Man, that bothered my dad, but Xander just made it easier. He understood. He could relate."
"Xander was abused?" Danny glanced over at the big, tattooed man and shook his head. He would have never guessed that. He was so intimidating now. It was impossible to think of him as a victim.
"Not my story to tell, but I'm saying I get that sometimes it's easier if you have someone with you. Think about it and let me know. I'm happy to be there if it helps you open up a bit. At least get the ball rolling so you can start digging through all the stuff weighing you down." She smiled and stood. "I'm going to grab another drink. Want anything?"
"No, thanks." He watched her walk off, wondering if he'd ever be as strong as she was. Was healing possible? Could he move past this and put the pain and memories behind him and focus on the future the way Faith was? God, he hoped so.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Marshall stared at one of the videos that Trenton had sent from California. It was exactly what he hoped it would be. The Lamp Light pedophile video had the exact same logo as the few historical
documentaries he'd seen. A small lamp sat on a dresser, illuminating the area around it. A book sat beneath it. Even the font matched on both. The same people had created it. The only differences were in the documentaries, there was information on the company at the end of the video, along with contact information, copyright, and sources. The pedophile video had none of that. The opening started with the lamp, then eased back into a full child's bedroom. From there, a story would play out of a father visiting his child in bed at night. It was disgusting, but it was the link they needed to tie the Colorado Springs ranch to the pedophilia.
He looked over all the links and information Trenton had sent and smiled. This had to be enough for them to act. He glanced over his shoulder where Jeremy was talking to D and Xander. "This is what we needed, right? We can go in now?"
D glanced at Jeremy, some sort of silent communication going on between them before he looked at Marshall. "It's close, but I want to do some more digging. We need more information on the location and area. We need to figure out if the place is alarmed. If there are cameras around the area. It's going to be a few days, maybe a week."
"But there are kids there." Marshall's stomach twisted as he thought about the horrific video he'd just seen.
"I'm aware, and we'll get in as fast as we can, but I'm not putting the team at risk for any reason. We're not familiar with the location, we don't have a dumpsite. We need to check out the police in the area, figure out where their substations are located. We do this right, or we don't do it at all." D's voice was firm.
"Damn it." Marshall turned away.
"I'm aware of how much this means to you. We all want to get this bastard, but I'm not risking anyone's life or freedom doing it," D stressed.
"There's something else you need to be aware of," Xander said.
Frustrated, Marshall turned around. "What?"
Xander glanced at Jeremy, then back at Marshall. "You know D's been checking on Danny's counselor to see if he might make a good addition to the team, right?"
Marshall tensed. Were they about to tell him they'd found something wrong with Gary? Had he been sending Danny into the lion's den, making things worse?
"Yeah." He narrowed his eyes, not in the mood for this.
"Since he asked Faith to go in with him, we asked her to get her opinion of him. We told her to talk about a few things and base his reaction to them," D explained.
"Like?"
"How she was rescued. We wanted her to talk about the men who broke in the house, castrated her rapist, and everything that went on with that. She's not giving names or any information that can lead anyone to know it was us, but she'll be able to tell by Gary's reaction how he feels about what was done. We wanted you to be aware of this, because not only does it get Gary's reaction, but Danny's as well. If you're going to be dating him, we need to know where he stands on all of this. There's a chance in the future he could find out about the team, and we needed to know if he's strong enough to know who we are and what we do." Jeremy leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees.
"What? Why didn't you tell me before this?" His heart raced at the idea of Danny finding out what he really did for a living. How would he react? Would it change things between them? Could Danny forgive him for hiding it all this time?
"We're telling you now so you can be prepared if Danny brings it up in conversation. We're not ready to let him know we're the ones behind STK yet, but you need to be prepared if he talks about Faith's rescue so you aren't caught off guard." Xander glanced at D. "We've had to deal with this in California a couple of times. It's hard to have a relationship with these kinds of secrets between you. If you and Danny are serious, there will come a time you'll want him to know and have to bring it to a vote in front of the team. His reaction to Faith's rescue will tell us a lot about how he'd react if he found out everything."
"I should have been in on this." He'd been excited that Faith was going to see Gary with Danny. Anything that might help Danny was a positive thing, but had he known it was a spy mission, he might have refused to let it happen. It made sense to do it for the reasons they were stating, but in a way, it was manipulating Danny, and he hated that.
"You didn't plan on keeping STK from him forever, did you?" D asked.
"No, but I hadn't really thought about it. I thought there was time."
"There is. We're not going to tell him tonight, but if things are serious, which they appear they could be, we needed to be prepared. The final choice on if he knows or not is yours. You're the one who would bring it up for a team vote, but if that time comes, now you'll have at least some idea how Danny would react."
"And Gary? If you invite him to join, what does that mean for Danny? Can he still see Gary?" Marshall ran his fingers through his hair, stressed at the whole situation.
"I don't see why not. Gary would be the team counselor. He'd still see his regular patients. He'd just be adding us on as well. Gary's part in this would be nearly risk-free. Other than knowing facts about a crime, he'd be totally uninvolved if he wanted to be, though as part of the team, he'd be welcome at the team house anytime he wanted. His relationship with Danny wouldn't change," Jeremy told him.
"I wish you'd discussed it with me first." Marshall sighed.
"There wasn't a lot of time. Faith talked to us last night, then we got with you this morning to find out when. We were never really able to talk about it without Danny around. When Faith told us she wanted to, and she was willing to get a feel for their reactions, we jumped on it. The only thing that's been holding me back from talking to Gary on my own is worry that he couldn't handle the fact that what we do is breaking the law. My hope is he's seen enough kids hurt by pedophilia that he can look past the law to see the good in what we do." D stood. "I'm sorry we didn't talk to you first, but we had to take the opportunity when it came."
Marshall turned around without a word and tried to focus on work. He wasn't sure exactly what he was worried about. He wanted to share what he did with Danny, but there was a part of him that was scared Danny wouldn't accept him if he knew. Even more, that he'd be upset that he'd kept it from him all this time and lied about what the team did. Even though he hadn't really said what the team did for work, he'd led him to believe that it was just simple computer tech. Finding out the truth could change everything.
Jeremy gripped his arm. "Let's focus on Colorado Springs. That's what's most important right now. We'll deal with the team issues as needed. Matt's picking Faith and Danny up from the session soon and dropping them off at your place. We'll head over later and see how things went."
Marshall nodded, but he still wasn't happy. There was nothing he could do about it for now. He needed to focus on taking Larry down. Now that he had all the new information, he was even more motivated. Whatever was going on at the ranch, wasn't good. The faster they collected evidence and mapped out the area, the sooner they could move in. He glanced back at D. "You'll allow the team to travel to Colorado Springs, right?"
"Already planned. When it happens, Patrick, Jessica, and I will head down. As of right now, I don't see any point in spending the night. It's only an hour away, but if we need to, we can get hotel rooms and create a cover of being tourists. You and Jeremy will handle things from here and stay in contact by phone. It will be just like any other sting other than we need a new dumpsite and we'll have to be extra careful since we don't know the area well."
"If it's soon enough, you can count Matt and me in on this." Xander smiled.
"Not sure we'll need you on the sting. As of right now, we're only showing two adults and two children, but I'll keep you posted. I don't want to put you at risk without cause and have Bryon up my ass if something goes wrong." D told him. "Though, I'm sure Jeremy and Marshall could always use more help from the computer side of things."
"I thought you were looking for another hacker." Xander seemed fine with the fact he might not get to go on the sting.
"I am, but it's not that easy. I don't have that gut feelin
g about people like Carter and Bryon do. I wish I did. I've been watching a couple of people, but still haven't found anyone worth the risk so far. Is Bryon adding to the team now that Carter's not around much?"
"He's talked about it, but I don't think he's doing any serious searching. He's talked about needing to fill your old spot more than Carter's."
"Trenton doing okay with Carter being gone?"
"Yeah, seems to be. You know Trenton. He doesn't talk a ton. He does his job, goes home, sleeps a few hours, and comes back. Keeps it simple. I tried to set him up on a date with a friend a while back and he blew me off. The guy just doesn't seem to want a life outside of STK and those random trips up the coast to visit his brother." Xander shrugged. "I've never been able to figure Trenton out. I'm sure there's a story there, but if Bryon knows it, he's never told."
D laughed. "We all have stories that Bryon's never told."
"Thank God for that." Xander got up. "I'm ordering pizza. Anyone have any requests?"
Marshall glanced back at him. "Just let me know if you hear from Matt and let me know how things went. I told Danny to call, but he doesn't always follow through on that. He claims he hates bothering me at work. The guy doesn't realize that I'm sitting here worried about him."
"He's a good man. He's got a lot to work through. Give him time. Faith took forever to learn to trust again. I'm sure it's the same for Danny." Xander gripped Marshall's shoulder. "He'll be okay."
"Thanks, it helps to hear that. And thanks for letting Faith go with him. I don't know what she said to him, but he seemed a bit stronger last night when we got home. There was something different, a light in his eyes that hadn't been there before."
"Faith has a way with people. You can't help but love her." Xander sighed. "Seeing her go off to school is going to kill me. Anyway, I'll get that pizza ordered." He left the room.