by Liz King
I turn my face to kiss the inside of her wrist. Closing my eyes, I inhale her sweet scent. “Baby, I love you. I never stopped, and I never will. I do trust you. I’m sorry I doubted you.”
Lynae shifts her position on the couch so that her body is facing me directly. “I need to talk to you about Seth. I don’t want to mess up—”
“What happens between me and Seth is our business. I told you that the other night. Yes, we got in a fight, but we are working that out.”
She shakes her head at me. “No, I need to tell you what happened.”
I nod, relenting. If she feels like she needs to talk about this, then I’ll let her, even though I don’t want to think about the time he got to spend with her when she was avoiding me.
“After you came up to the hospital a few weeks ago, it really threw me. I was scared and confused. I saw him, and he comforted me. All I wanted was a friend to talk to, and he was there for me. I needed someone other than the girls or Sly. I needed someone that I could just let go with,” Lynae murmurs. “And he let me.”
I don’t like the idea of her turning to Seth for comfort, but there really isn’t anything I can do about it now. What’s done is done. I honestly don’t think she was turning to him for anything more than friendship, even though he obviously had other ideas. I pull her feet out from under her and stretch her legs across my lap, then begin massaging her insteps. I need my hands on her. She leans back against the arm of the couch and continues.
“All we did was meet up and talk. I talked to him about everything those first few days. I told him about what really happened when we went back to Alabama, and then he didn’t ask me anymore about it. It felt good to get it all out.”
I’m so proud of her for finally letting her demons go. She had been carrying them around for so long, I know the burden was eating away at her. Much like my burden is killing me.
“Then, this past Friday, things felt off. Seth seemed to be acting a little differently towards me. It didn’t feel right.” She looks down at her lap again.
I tug on her foot to get her attention. “Seth has feelings for you. Wade saw y’all together and was chewing him out in the garage. He saw you running away crying and wanted to know what Seth did to upset you so much. That’s when Seth and I got in a fight. He didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”
“I’m so sorry that I caused y’all to fight. I really didn’t mean to mess up your friendship.”
“Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong. He knows you’re mine.” All fucking mine, I add silently. I look deep into her eyes. “Enough about him. We need to talk about us.” I pray and hope there will still be an “us” to speak of after I tell her about my past. Lynae deserves to know.
Glancing up at me with those caramel colored eyes that can see directly into my soul, Lynae gives me a timid smile. “Us?”
“Yes, baby. Us. There has to be a way for there to be an ‘us’ again. I don’t think I can stand to go on another day without you being a part of my life again.” I inch my hands up her leg towards her knee, pulling her closer to me. “You tell me what it’s gonna take, and I’ll do it.”
I’m not above begging. She’s mine. I just have to make her remember that.
Lynae lets me tug her closer to me. Her legs are draped across my lap now and she’s looking up at me. I want so badly to lean over and kiss her, but I know I have to restrain myself. I’m certain that if I kissed her, there’s no way in heaven or hell I’d be able to stop there. I’d have her spread out and naked on this couch in less than a minute. She told me she wants to take things slower. She said she wants to give us a try. I have to hold on to that.
“You have to talk to me. You have to tell me what is going on in that head of yours, Connor. I’m not a mind reader.”
“I know that, sweetness.” I don’t think I can tell her everything. I should, but I can’t. I have to get her to let me back into her heart first. I look away from her and take a deep breath to prepare myself for what I’m about to say.
“You already know that I lost my sister. You know that Kaitlin died three years ago. You just don’t know how.” I’m staring at her slender leg resting on my lap. I rub up and down her smooth skin trying to draw strength. Lynae is so strong. She looks so timid and fragile, but she really is stronger than she gives herself credit for.
“Kaitlin was killed in a car accident. She died instantly. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to her. I was supposed to drive her home, but I didn’t. It was all my fault.”
Lynae yanks her legs off my lap and scoots closer to me. She places both her hands on my face and forces me to look her in the eye. I expect to see sympathy there. I’m so used to people feeling sorry for me at first, then, like my parents, disgust, but that’s not what I see.
I see pain and sorrow.
I see genuine concern for me.
“How can you say it’s your fault? Just because you didn’t drive her? That doesn’t make you responsible, Connor.” She looks deep into my eyes. “Accidents happen.”
I jerk my face away from her hands and look over her shoulder. I know that accidents happen. I fucking know that. The point is that Kaitlin never should have been in the car with that piece of shit Rob! I can feel my chest heaving up and down. Just thinking about him makes me want to hit something, makes me want to take a drink to numb the pain. But drinking is what caused this clusterfuck with Lynae in the first place.
“Connor, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I know what it’s like to lose someone you love. It isn’t any easier even if you do have the chance to say goodbye. That doesn’t make the pain any less.” Lynae tries to turn me to face her again, and when I don’t, she crawls into my lap, straddling me. “Take a deep breath. You’re gonna hyperventilate if you don’t slow your breathing down.”
I let her guide my face back to hers. Focusing on her eyes and the sound of her voice is helping calm me down. I can’t believe she’s sitting here trying to help me. I brought her here to take care of her, to try to fix us, but here she is — comforting me. I don’t deserve her. She could do so much better than me. But I’ll be damned if I let her go. I’m too much of a selfish bastard. I band my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. Lynae’s hands drop from my face and move to brace herself on my shoulders. I bury my face in her chest.
“I can’t talk about this anymore. I know we need to talk. I know you want answers. I just can’t. Not right now.”
Lynae runs her fingers through my hair, shushing me. “It’s okay. We can talk more later this week.” She tries to shift out of my arms.
Shit! I hope I’m not squeezing her too tightly. I don’t want to hurt the baby. “Don’t go. Please. Stay.” I loosen my hold, just a little, but keep her on my lap.
She sighs heavily. “Connor, I…”
“I just need to hold you. Nothing more. Please. Just let me hold you tonight.” I look at her. I need to feel her in my arms. Hold her all night long. I want to watch her sleep. I want to make sure she’s not having nightmares anymore. I don’t think I can sleep alone tonight. I think if she went home, I would be driven to numbing the pain with Jim or Jack. I know that drinking isn’t the answer.
“Okay. I’ll stay.”
Chapter Sixteen
Lynae
I couldn’t say no to Connor when he asked me to stay. The pleading look in his eyes was enough to break all of my resolve. I could tell he probably hadn’t told me the entire story about Kaitlin, but I knew not to push him. That didn’t turn out so well the last time I tried. Connor didn’t try to go beyond holding me and he didn’t try to talk more about us getting back together.
I laid awake all night that night. I couldn’t get my mind to shut off. Being held by his arms and surrounded by his scent comforted me on a level I had been craving for weeks, but also sent my heart and thoughts into overdrive. Connor drifted off to sleep almost immediately. He had wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close and
nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply while I laid there thinking.
It’s been three weeks since that night. I haven’t stayed overnight again, nor has Connor spent the night here with me, but we have been having dinner together a few nights each week. I know he’s trying to find a way back into my life. He wants to be there for me and the baby, and he keeps telling me he wants me back.
The alarm goes off on my nightstand and the loud blaring signals that it’s time for me to get up. I’ve been awake for the last hour already; I just don’t want to get out of bed. Thank heavens it’s already Friday. This past week has been long and busy. Not to mention that Sly is officially moving to Charleston this weekend. He got the job with the county fire department he applied for. For the time being, he’ll be moving into my guestroom until he can find an apartment he likes. I know he’s been talking to our landlord about a unit in Michelle’s building.
I hit the off button on the alarm and swing my legs over the side of the bed. This morning, instead of my usual instantaneous nausea, I’m feeling pretty okay so far. I’m praying that I’m finally past that stage. These last few weeks have been rough. In following my doctor’s orders, I’ve been trying to eat a little more throughout the day. Connor has been making sure I’m at least eating dinner. On the nights that I haven’t had dinner with him, he calls to ask about what I had. He’s also been using Gabbi as a spy for my lunchtime meals at work. She’s such a traitor.
I strip off my clothes on the way to the bathroom so I can take my shower and prepare for my day. I stop short when I catch my reflection in the mirror. I’m starting to have a little bump in my tummy. That thing seems to have shown up overnight. I smooth my hands over my belly and my heart skips a beat in my chest. As time moves on, it’s starting to feel more real. I know I’ve heard the heartbeat and seen my little jellybean on the last ultrasound; yes, I’m calling it jellybean for now. Seth put that idea in my head, and it’s stuck. I know I need to talk to him. Seth and I seem to be avoiding each other and the issues between us. I shake my head at my drifting thoughts and go on about the rest of my morning routine to get ready for work.
Michelle notices my little bump this morning too. She squeals and wouldn’t quit rubbing it this morning in the locker room while I was trying to change into my scrubs. I swear I had to smack her hand away at least five times. Even in scrubs, there is no mistaking the roundness in my belly. If people didn’t know I was pregnant before, they’ll certainly know now.
~
I’m walking out of the cafeteria with my lunch when I hear my name being called from down the hall. “Lynae! Hold up a minute!”
I turn around and see Seth walking quickly towards me. What on earth is he doing here, and why is he coming up to me? Every time I was at the garage the last three weeks he left as soon as I showed up. I stop and stand in the middle of the hall waiting on him, confused. I don’t really know what to say to him. I’ve been going over things in my head over and over, but I’m at a loss for words; and, to be honest, a little uncomfortable standing here with him now since Connor told me Seth has feelings for me.
He comes to a stop in front of me and gives me a weak smile. Bringing his hand up to rub the back of his neck, he looks down at me. “Uh, hi.”
Okay, can you say awkward? “What are you doing here, Seth?”
“Oh, um… Marcus is in the ER.”
“Oh my God!” I gasp. “What happened? Is he okay?”
Seth nods his head. “Nothing bad. He cut his hand pretty bad and needs to get stitched up.”
I sigh in relief. I was thinking something serious happened to Marcus. What? I don’t know. “Oh, okay.” Resume awkward tension in the hallway.
“I was just coming to get a drink. I see you’re having lunch. Glad you’re eating.” Seth points to my tray. “Mind if I join you? I think we need to talk.”
Well, I’ve been thinking Seth and I have needed to talk things out too, but I was hoping to be little more prepared to have this conversation, but oh well. We need to move past these weird vibes. I also want to make sure I’m not messing up his and Connor’s friendship.
“Okay, come on.” I turn back towards the cafeteria and find a booth to sit in while Seth goes and buys a drink from the vending machine. I also use the time to send a quick text to Michelle letting her know that I’m eating down here today.
“You look good,” Seth says, sliding in the booth across from me.
I smile in reply and start picking at my pepperoni pizza. “Thank you.”
Seth looks at me cautiously. “Look, I know I fucked things up between us, and I’m sorry. You’re a good friend and I didn’t mean to piss you off.”
“I still want to be friends, Seth. But that’s all. Things got a little weird, and I don’t to mess up stuff with you and Connor.”
Seth takes a deep breath and smiles weakly at me. “I know. It’s my fault that they got all weird. Falling for your best friend’s girl is stupid and wrong. Connor was right trying to beat my ass.”
My jaw drops. Hearing from Connor that Seth had started having feelings for me and hearing Seth openly admit he was falling for me are two entirely different things. I guess I thought Connor only meant that Seth had a little crush on me. That I could see. But falling for me? Really?
“Say something, Lynae.” Seth reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “It’s not hard to fall in love with you. You’re beautiful, sexy, funny as hell, and so fucking sweet.” He smiles. “Connor is a damn lucky bastard.”
I pull my hand away. I seriously have no words to respond with. I’m sure I look like a fish out of water with my mouth opening and closing, trying to figure out what to say. “I, I, um…” I stutter.
“Look, I’m not going to try to come between you and Connor.” Seth sighs. “He loves you more than life. I probably shouldn’t have even said anything, but I wanted to lay it all out there. I wanted to be honest with you. I still feel like a total shitface for everything that happened. I can’t lie to you, and I don’t want things to be weird between us. Whether you and Connor work your issues out or not, I will always be here for you and jellybean. I want to be your friend if you’ll still let me.”
Looking into Seth’s penetrating blue eyes, I can tell he’s being sincere. He truly does just want to be friends. I reach back across the table and take his hand in mine. “I’d like that. I can use all the friends I can get right now.”
He nods and takes a swig of his Coke. “Are you and Connor going to get back together? I thought you had that night when I saw you coming out of his room…” Seth drifts off.
“That night was a mistake. Things got too heated and moved way too fast. I’m trying to get over what Connor did and said, but it’s hard.” I think back over everything. “Connor is finally starting to open up a little. I’m afraid to trust completely again. He hurt me. Badly. I know he has issues, but so do I. I want us to move on and be together. I’m just scared.”
“Yeah, babe, we all have issues. The thing is, Connor has had jack shit for a support system these last few years, other than us. He’s different with you. We all saw it the first time we met you. I know exactly how he feels about you too, what makes him want you the way he does. Trust me.” Seth pauses. “He just let his insecurities get the better of him when he got drunk. But you’re the only one who can decide whether or not you can forgive and forget. I do know this, he can’t live without you. What about you? Can you live without him?”
Can I forgive and forget? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget. The look in his eyes, the acid in his voice? I shudder thinking about it. I want to forgive him, I really do. Will I be able to live my life without Connor in it? I know what my life was like before he came into it — nothingness filled with bouts of distraction with my girls and work. . I want to forgive Connor. I want to work things out with him. He’s finally opening up to me, I just need him to let me completely in.
I glance up at the clock on the wall above the cafeteria doors. Damn! I’ve been
down here for a little more than half an hour. I need to get back upstairs and get to work. Letting go of Seth’s hand, I move to get out of the booth. As soon as I stand up, I feel an intense cramping sensation in my belly. I wrap an arm around my middle and lean forward to brace myself on the table. “Ugh!” The cramping gets worse and the room starts to spin a little.
“Lynae? What’s wrong?”
Chapter Seventeen
Connor
I wish Wade would turn the fucking radio down. I have a headache from hell and laying on this hard garage floor under a Jeep with the radio blasting and echoing off the walls isn’t helping. I didn’t sleep for shit last night. I kept having this feeling something was going to happen with Lynae. I had this dream that she was in a car with someone I didn’t recognize, and then the dream would flashback to the night Kaitlin walked out of the house party telling me to go take care of my dick and she’d find a way home. I woke up in a cold sweat, freaking out. I wanted to call Lynae so badly, but I didn’t. I knew she had to work today, and I didn’t want to wake her up or bother her.
Things aren’t moving along quite as fast as I would like, but she’s at least letting me get her dinner a few nights a week, and she isn’t ignoring my calls or texts. We are talking and she’s starting to act like she can begin to trust me again. I want her back in my life permanently. I want to move her into my apartment and never let her go.
The radio cuts off abruptly and I hear Wade on the phone two bays down from me. “Dude! You get shithead’s hand taken care of? He needs to be able to play this weekend!”
He’s talking about Marcus. He was cutting some aluminum to weld onto the handlebars on his motorcycle. He’s always messing around with that thing, trying to make it more badass looking. Marcus was holding the edge of the metal sheet when his hand slipped and sliced right open. Seth took him up to the ER to get looked at and get what I’m sure is quite a few stitches. I would have taken him myself so I could run up to the lab to check on Lynae, but we’re swamped here at the garage, so Wade and I had to stay behind to try to get some of this work done.