by Pam Uphoff
"The Inquisitor General had a baby."
"Maleth squirted all over the woman, even though he apparently didn't _quite_ penetrate her. Betcha the baby has black hair and honey brown eyes."
He reached out and dribbled wine into her mouth. "Swallow. I need to get back to where your father and boyfriend are fighting the Ba'alists in front of the temple, and I'd like to be able to tell them you're going to live. You don't want Lefty going berserk and throwing his life away, do you? Swallow!" He dribbled wine on her belly. Turning even greener.
Question swallowed, took a sip and swallowed again. "Lefty . . . Dad . . . "
Never grabbed a golden goblet from beside the throne. "Pour some in. Keep the rest – you may need it. Get."
Dydit reached out and cupped the back of her head and kissed her. "I'll keep some just for you and me."
"Ass." She snorted. "Goat!"
He vanished with a gust of wind.
"Sometimes I wish Lefty loved me like that." Question whispered. Sipped, swallowed.
"He does. He's also terrified of your Dad."
She propped Question up a little in her lap, and held the goblet while the girl drank. Question's skin was still blistered and charred, but Never suspected the internal damage was healing fast. She couldn't smell feces, anymore. Definitely a good sign. "If all else fails, you ambush him with some of this wine."
Question sipped more wine and leaned back against her. "Liquid courage."
"Yeah."
"Can you tell what's going on out there?"
Never set down the wine, then let her center sink down through the pillar, and then over and up again. Rock and soil, and something very hot. The statue? Three others not quite so hot. They moved about rapidly and threw Fire at each other. Or rather the three threw Fire at the hottest spot, and it threw Fire at any of the three it could.
One of the three ran about easily, power steady and solid, firing off power, not directly at the statue. She felt the Fire hitting stone. Ah, that hot spot was trying to bring down walls. The Sheep Man, she rather thought. A master wizard. She reached out and weakened the wall he was working on, pushing the Earth in the stone. It collapsed, trapping the statue, but not permanently. She could see that it would be getting out.
She looked at the two other hot spots. She couldn't tell which was which. They were fluctuating badly, close to overload and not practiced enough to do much. As the Statue worked far enough out, it threw Fire and one of the spots flared, overloaded. The other pulled from it, but it was too close to overload itself to do much. They flicked out and heat suddenly blasted around her.
She reached out and grabbed Dydit, pulling power and channeling it down into the Earth. He was pulling from Lefty as quickly as he could, and she twisted to reach out and grab him directly, and pull. He collapsed, smelling more cooked than Question. His hands . . .
Never eased out from under the anxious girl, and sat Lefty down beside her. Question carefully sat up and put the goblet to his lips. He swallowed, and the pale, shocky look faded.
Dydit leaned on Never for a moment. "I have to get back out there."
"Take me. I can ground you."
He bit his lip and then nodded. "Be ready to shield."
He stood up and pulled her into his embrace, then shoved her behind him. They were outside, in a courtyard littered with stones from the walls and dead bodies. The only light came from the burning shards of wood among the debris. And spaces between rocks in a heap. A shifting of stone, and the statue stood, flooding the courtyard with light. It threw a thick cylinder of Fire at them. It beat at Dydit's shields, leaking through and eroding the barrier. Never blinked and squinted in the torrent of light. Her hand touched Dydit's bare back and she pulled the power as it flooded in, channeling it away into the ground. He softened his shield a bit, increasing the flow and she channeled it. How much power did the statue have? Could it hold the energy of centuries of prayer? Thousands of deflowerings? Burnings and sacrifices? How could they drain that? The courtyard was brighter than day, reflecting off the low clouds it seemed as if it could illuminate the whole City
The power flow stopped abruptly. Dark engulfed her, and she had to close her eyes and look magically to see the statue turn away from them, and lumber toward an ornate white stone building. It had pulled in all its power, barely glowing. Saving the power for another assault, or could it actually be low on energy? People burst out of the building, and fled.
Never squinted at them. They wore the tabards of Ba'al, but appeared to be less that worshipful. Stationary gods were much more comfortable that the other kind . . .
The Sheep Man ran in from the side, blasting fire under one of the statue's feet, exploding stones, making it stumble slightly. Never reached through the soil and pulled the Earth aside, out from under it, then closing it, trying to trap the thing. It heaved up immediately, red hot soil flaming and melting as it flew through the air. She dodged one way, Dydit the other. It threw Fire again, and her shield shivered under the impact. She scrambled hastily back to Dydit, and he took in the Fire and she took his power and channeled it.
"I think its cooling." Dydit yelled. "Its not getting any more power. C'mon. Let's find out what it wants in this building."
They ran around it, and it threw more Fire, missing them and blasting stone from the building as they dashed in.
"Oh Hell!" Women all over the place. With flails. Up their privates. More women waiting for the apparently limited supply of holy flails.
"We've got to get those flails away from them, before they give that thing too much more power." Never ran forward and snatched a flail from one woman and shoved another off balance before she could squat on hers.
Dydit crashed in to disturb another one. "Damn it, damn it, damn it. Never, I, I . . . "
"Of course! Brilliant!" She planted a quick kiss on him. "Go on, goat, take a swig of that wine, you're going to need it."
Not to mention the nerve to do it while she watched. He look a long swallow and then handed her the wineskin.
He lowered his head and charged into a group that were getting their flails ready, knocked them around and down. Never grabbed a club from a museum display, and applied it to the nearest head. Someone grabbed her and she ripped power from the woman, dropping her. She angled away from Dydit trying to disrupt as many sacrifices as possible, preferably laying the virgin out unconscious, damn it she didn't want to kill all these murderous idiots . . . She was getting seriously drunk on power, and stooped to channel and catch her breath. Then backpedaled away from two women with flails who looked like they knew how to use them. Dydit charged through and knocked one flat. As the other turned, Never jumped in and whacked her head. The goat stopped, swaying and carefully constructed a spell and tossed it on the woman trying to get up. She collapsed.
Never copied the spell, and the goat ran off.
The stun spell was exactly what she needed. She had to get nearly within reach of the flails, but then she could drop them easily. She spotted Dydit, ahem, permanently disarming virgins, and then expending energy by jumping magically across the room to the next woman. Then he humped a stuffed wolf on display. Drunk on power. She followed the sound of chanting and there were four more women, and more over there. Dydit charged in to help, or at any rate ran around humping everyone and everything in sight. Hadn't Ba'al run out of virgins yet?
The front to of the building collapsed. The statue looked stiff and hard. It was having trouble negotiating the piles of rubble. Never started piling more rubble.
Dydit charged up the piled stone and met it head on. It had him beat in momentum, and they slid down the pile as Never hastily backpedaled.
The statue was cooling, getting stiff, now, it turned slowly, pushing itself erect. The fist swinging to hit him was ludicrously slow. Dydit backed up enough to get running room and charged, hit it broadside and knocked it onto its back. It slowly tried to get back on its feet. He kept ramming arms and legs and dumping it back on its face. It crouch
ed, then swept a hand through the air in a slow motion grab of nothing. It swept its hand across its body. Magic? A shield? Never couldn't see or feel anything.
It wasn't moving. Dydit poked it with a horn, backed off and squirmed and ouched his way back to human. "You know, that hurts even worse when I'm too tired to do it faster."
Never poked the statue, and Nil walked up and laid a hand on it.
"Maybe we should talk to Harry and the Auld Wulf about how to kill this thing." The old wizard backed off and sat down. "I haven't a clue."
Dydit walked over and hugged Never. "It caught something and put it on as a shield. I couldn't see it very well."
"I couldn't see a thing." Never turned suddenly. "Question!"
"They're fine. Best leave them alone." Nil said. "That wine, and they found a couple jugs of sacrificial wine up there and mixed it in . . . They're fine. Busy."
"Umm, how did you get here?"
"Heard my daughter scream, all the way in Ash, and Traveled." Nil kicked the statue. "Don't like things I can't kill."
Never eyed what looked like a sprawled bronze statue. The little fires all over the plaza were guttering out, the clouds blocked any moon light. "Well. It'll certainly have trouble holding a tray for sacrifices. Now, I see my putative father approaching. Dydit, did you abandon your clothes anywhere around here, and may I borrow your shirt?"
***
Colonel Rufi Negue surveyed the ruins of the Temple of Baal as the Sun peeked over the horizon. And tried to figure out how to tell the King that the Great God Ba'al had been killed. By a goat.
A quarter of the City was blackened by the fires from the flaming debris that had been thrown about during the battle. Fortunately regulations about tiles roofs, and plentiful water supplies had kept the damage mostly superficial, and none had spread and turned into the City devouring conflagration he'd feared when he'd charged from the palace to the temple. He'd lost six men from the troops he'd scooped up on the way through the City, before he'd had the sense to back off and let the wizards and witches handle Ba'al while he tried to capture the fleeing Church leadership, and released troops to fire fighting duties.
He'd been able to do nothing but watch as his naked daughter kept pulling stones out from under it and the equally naked Dydit threw fireballs, and then turned into a goat.
He looked over to the left, and spotted his daughter. She was dressed now, apparently in something of Dydit's, as it was all much to large, not to mention masculine. Her hair was in considerable disarray, as healing spells apparently didn't replace hair burned away by sparks and fire balls. No doubt it would grow.
Dydit was following her, also dressed now, and looking entirely human.
Rufi sighed and mentally tossed his plans to marry Never to Lord Rondo.
He wondered if anyone would have the nerve to tell him about the rumors already flying across the City. He'd overheard bits and pieces about the blonde Amazon who fought the glowing monster stark naked. And the naked man who turned into a goat. Rumors already had the goat raping several hundred of Ba'al's virgins. No doubt by next week the figure would be in the thousands. Thinking back carefully, Rufi came up with a count of twenty-two women, four men and three museum exhibits. Of course, the goat hadn't been in sight the whole time . . . And two wizards having sex on Baal's throne. Really, that must have been uncomfortable. But after seeing Lefty disappearing as he apparently burned to a crisp, Rufi wasn't going to mention any . . . odd activities afterwards.
He sighed, and finally decided that he'd best rein his hopes down to a lack of rumors involving "Village of Ash" and stop worrying about the rest.
Never and Dydit had promised fervently to disappear into the New Lands for a minimum of three years. Rufi was trying hard not to think about that goat anywhere in the vicinity of his newly discovered daughter. It seemed like half the city had seen her running around naked, with the equally naked Dydit.
Question and Lefty, hand-in-hand, were laughing as they jumped from stone slab to stone slab to get out of the Temple. More mappers. Definitely.
He walked back into the half ruined museum where engineers were prying at the statue.
Nil wandered by, and saluted him with a wine bottle. "I've taken care of all of the burned fire fighters and citizens I could find. Had to fight with the doctors to get in the hospital, and then to get out. Finally left them a full bottle and warnings."
Rufi snorted. "I hope they were paying attention." He made a note to avoid the Council Hospital for the next day or so. Nil wandered off, shaking his head at the undignified statue. Rufi figured he'd gotten here magically, but decided not to ask. Dydit and Lefty had arrived prosaically, on horse back, charging past the impotent city guards and coming close to getting killed despite their magical talents.
A clatter of hooves drew his attention. The King had arrived.
His father dismounted, "So, Rufi, trying to burn my city down, were you?" His escort boggled at the statue, and edged their horses away.
"Certainly not, Your Majesty! Did you get my note?"
"Yes, trying to prevent a sacrifice to Ba'al, which either by coincidence happened at the same time Ba'al gained enough power to re-emerge into the World, or who by herself had enough power to do the trick." He frowned at the statue. "And I thought it was ugly just sitting there . . . The Ba'alists we've questioned don't seem to be able to make up their minds whether that woman was burned to death being raped by a red hot statue or whether she was the one fighting the statue, or the one having sex on Baal's throne, or in fact, exactly how many naked women there were. There was talk of wizards throwing fire. And then there's the Goat. Apparently the Goat in the Museum also came to life, raped several thousand virgins, and then murdered the God."
Rufi nodded. "That's actually not a bad summary. I don't think the term 'murdered' is applicable, though."
"True, true. And, just what do you propose to do about this mess?"
"Several people have volunteered to go map the New Lands, and in fact would like to leave immediately. I think that will help get things back to normal. It always helps to able to answer honestly that there are no wizards or witches in the City. The statue," he nodded toward the mass of bronze being maneuvered out of the museum. "Well, I really have no idea if it can ever animate again. According to my expert, it was sourced, powered, by Fire, and thus water is antagonistic to it. I want it across the river from the City. Just in case.
"I recommend the Church be banned and all property and monetary assets be forfeit to the Crown, after repatriations for the damage to the City is covered."
The king nodded. "Let's put the statue out on one of those little islands in the bay. Otherwise, an excellent plan all around." He started to turn away, then stopped. "So, how many naked women were fighting the god, and was one of them actually that pretty granddaughter of mine?"
Rufi grinned. "Two women. And yes, one of them was Never. I believe sir that you'd best give up any and all plans to control that witch."
"Humph! It would be nice for my granddaughter and this great granddaughter she told me about to be introduced at court. Socially, not as a lobbyist for mapping the New Lands." The king paused, and looked over the scene. "Although perhaps only after they've mapped for a few years."
"It will be my pleasure, sire."
"In the mean time, you are in charge of the City. I have instructed all city guard and local troops to place themselves under your direct command."
Rufi nodded. "I expect to have most of this done within a few days, and will return control of the City to the appropriate people at the earliest possible moment."
The king remounted and left.
The rest of the King's Own continued to work. By midday he was sure all the fires were out. By nightfall all the reports were trickling in. A few buildings lost, injuries and burns, but all the fatalities appeared to have been here, on the temple grounds. The High Priestess or what ever she was calling herself these days, had been found and arrested, along with nume
rous priests.
He hesitated over a report on a riot at the hospital, but curiosity won. A city guard sergeant informed him in stiff phrases that no one had seemed to be in any danger, despite patients, nursing sisters and doctors chasing each other all over the building, but that they had apparently been enjoying catching each other. He tendered his resignation. He regretted to say that he had behaved very unprofessionally, even though he'd only had the barest taste of the wine the nursing sister said was healing everyone. Rufi grabbed a sheet of paper and quickly penned a refusal to accept his resignation, and ordering him to report in person. He wasn't going to commit to paper anything about that wine.
By midmorning five conflicting injunctions from five lower courts had arrived. It appeared that he wasn't to move the God Ba'al, pending a court hearing. He was to release the High Priestess immediately, pending trial. And he was to secure the grounds of the temple for two conflicting debtors and a noble family who claimed the land had been leased, not given to the church . . . Ah. The joys of living in a civilized country. It was enough to make him wish he could run off to the New Lands and map for a few years. Although hopefully it wouldn't take years for these issues to be settled.
He spotted Nil returning, leading three horses. Excellent.
He wandered over to where Lefty, wearing some burned rags that might have once been a uniform, was helping Question down from a fallen wall. His skin was blotchy, weather and brown in some spots, smooth and pink as a baby's bottom in others. No doubt it would all tan, sooner or later. That wine . . .
"Lieutenant, I don't ordinarily expect my men to enjoy their assignments, but I think you will. I want you to go to the New Lands and spend a few years, at least two, in fact, mapping. You may hire any civilian help, horses or equipment you feel you will need."
Lefty Lebonift's half sooty, half pink face split into a huge grin. "Yes, sir! I could use some peace and quiet, exploring and surveying."
Reunions