And now hours must have passed and I’m still sitting on the kitchen sofa, with a hot drink in my hand courtesy of Helen. Everyone around me is being utterly fabulous. Jake especially, who’s almost like a human anaesthetic, numbing me, holding me, telling me over and over that everything will work out for the best and that this will all blow over. Funny, but in my detached state, I’m deeply touched at how concerned they all are and feel surrounded with care and attention that’s comforting beyond belief.
‘After all, it was only a job …’ Helen is saying, and I do my best to smile back at her, and look like I actually mean it.
‘And with all your experience and sterling record, you’re bound to pick up something else …’ nice-guy Ben chips in kindly.
‘Plus,’ Jake adds wisely, ‘remember how fast these stories all blow over. It flared up in no time, so let everyone just have their gossip about it, be done with it. And in a few days no one will even be able to remember what the fuss was about.’
He squeezes my hand and I squeeze his right back. Lovely thought, and even though I don’t quite believe it, it’s calming, reassuring to hear. For the first time all day, I allow myself the luxury of a deep breath.
Maybe they’re all right and I’m wrong. Maybe this is just a minor embarrassment, a tiny inkblot on an otherwise spotless copybook that will soon be forgotten about. Something I’ll look back on in years to come and have a good giggle at. Maybe it will all be done and dusted in a day or two. Maybe the board will overlook this mess and give me another chance. Maybe.
This sensation lasts all of about two minutes until the upstairs doorbell goes. Helen rushes upstairs to check it’s not a journo, then comes back down to the kitchen a few moments later, white-faced.
‘Eloise, you’ve got a visitor in the drawing room,’ she tells me, sounding shakier than she has done all evening.
‘Come on, she can’t see anyone, she’s not in any fit state …’ Jake says on my behalf, but Helen interrupts him.
‘It’s Sir Gavin,’ she tells me. ‘And he’s waiting for you.’
Takes approximately ten minutes for my seven-year career to come crashing down in flames and the weirdest thing of all is that somehow I can’t bring myself to feel a single thing. Sir Gavin is cool, courteous, but ruthless; as you’d expect. Won’t even sit down, or have a drink, just stands close to the door, impatient to get this over with. Probably dreading that I’ll start to cry and therefore ready for a fast exit.
His theme is unchanged since we spoke early this morning, or rather, since he lectured me; I made a massive error of judgement, I messed up royally, I had the appalling rudeness to stand up the board this afternoon and now it seems the editor of the paper of record has become a salacious news story herself.
In my detached, almost composed state of mind, I could almost count the number of times he repeats the same tired old clichés. ‘We gave you every chance to explain yourself …’ was one particular beaut. ‘You have a duty to be impartial and to uphold the standards and good name of the Post and have failed in that most spectacularly,’ another gem. This must be what it feels like to be expelled from school, I think. In fact, I’m half-expecting him to come out with a line like, ‘I’ve already phoned your parents …’
But the punchline is the same. I’m out, and Seth is in, simple as. Funny thing is though, if Sir Gavin expected pleading, tears and handkerchief-twisting from me, he was disappointed. All I can do is look at him as though I’m having some kind of out-of-body experience and think, I gave you blood, sweat and tears all those years. I barely even got to see my little girl, who means more to me than any shagging job. Sacrificed all that, and for what? At the end of the day, for nothing, that’s what.
I even surprise myself by smiling at him as I show him out. He of course, moaning and groaning at suffering the indignity of being papped on the way in and out of my house, me not much caring either way. Thinking, you were quick enough to shove me to the lions, now see how you like it.
‘I must say Eloise,’ are his parting words to me, ‘you’re taking this extremely well.’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ I tell him evenly. ‘I think you’ve possibly done me the biggest favour of my whole life.’
And now it’s well past ten at night, I’m still tucked up on the sofa, not quite able to believe what’s just happened. I got fired – and somehow, it’s all okay. The sky didn’t fall in. The world continues to turn on its axis. It’s weird, I actually feel physically lighter than I’ve done in years, not to mention deliciously woozy from the wine that the others have been practically ladling down my throat. Relieved in the same way that a crash survivor does when an out-of-control car finally stops spinning. Your whole life flashes before your eyes, but then you think, you know what? It’s over and I’m going to be okay. I’ve survived the worst. And if it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this. With the people that I’m lucky enough to have around me, I know I’ll pull through, start over.
Ben, by the way, has been invaluable all evening, and I can’t help noticing with a smile, is paying more than particular attention to Helen. Making her eat plenty of sandwiches and constantly topping up her wine glass, engaging her in chat and asking her loads of questions about herself. Attentive, caring, interested, not conventionally handsome, but certainly attractive in a scruffy, fell-out-of-bed way … I already like this guy.
He’s over at the kitchen table making her laugh now, telling her some yarn about a guy he’s working with on parole at the moment, who Ben had really gone out on a limb for, eventually managing to find him a job working on a forklift truck in a machinery plant out on the Westgate Industrial Estate.
‘So I told him the good news, thinking he’d be delighted with the work,’ Ben smiles at Helen, ‘and that he was all set to start Monday and you know what this kid said back to me?’
‘Tell me,’ says Helen.
‘He said, “You want me to work in Westgate? Two buses? Feck right off with yourself!”’
The pair of them guffaw as I look on silently.
Oh Christ, I think, immediately dismissing the thought with a smile; I got fired today, am facing into a dole queue without any visible means of being able to support my daughter and now I’m trying to play matchmaker?
Must be even more in shock than I thought.
Though now that I come to think of it, she hasn’t once even mentioned the awful Darren’s name, not even to drop his name into the conversation, or checked her mobile to see if he’s rung, like she does a dozen times a day on average. Which is so not like her.
I’m not passing any comments, I’m just saying, that’s all.
‘You must be tired as well by now,’ Ben says to her, looking gently across the table at her.
‘Hmmm, I think all this wine is doing the trick,’ Helen smiles warmly back at him, then stifles a yawn.
‘Been a long day for you, as well as Eloise,’ he says. ‘Maybe it’s time you tried to get some sleep?’
‘Not a bad plan,’ Helen nods, stretching her arms out tiredly.
‘I’d better make a move too,’ Ben says to me and Jake, as we sit side by side on the sofa, him nursing a beer and me I think already on my fourth glass of wine. It’s doing the trick nicely though. After the horrors of today, I’m now beginning to feel more relaxed, calmer and, well, a bit floaty, like I’m on drugs.
‘I arranged for Josh to have a playdate and sleepover after school, with his best buddy,’ Ben explains, ‘so I need to get back so I can pick him up first thing in the morning.’
‘Josh?’ says Helen. ‘Is that your son?’
‘Yup,’ says Ben, pulling his jacket on and getting ready to hit the road. ‘Six years of age and the light of my life.’
‘That’s, well, that’s pretty much how I feel about Lily,’ she smiles very prettily back at him.
‘If it wasn’t for Josh,’ he goes on, ‘I honestly don’t know how I’d have coped these last few years since his mum … Since she left us.’
&n
bsp; ‘Oh. You’re divorced, then?’
He didn’t answer immediately, which catches my attention.
‘Separated?’
‘Widowed.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that.’
Funny, I couldn’t help thinking through my slightly woozy haze, Helen didn’t look the tiniest little bit sorry. Not at all.
‘Well, let me show you out on my way upstairs to bed,’ she says, coming over to hug me and Jake goodnight.
‘Do you want a lift home with me, Jake?’ Ben offers.
Say no, please say no, I need you here tonight …
‘I think I’ll hang around for a bit longer,’ Jake tells him, then turns back to me. ‘If that’s okay with you?’
I don’t answer; just grin stupidly, drunkenly back at him. Marvelling that such a shitty day could have ended so miraculously. A minute later, Helen and Ben are clattering their way upstairs and finally, it’s just us, just me and Jake, alone.
Next thing, his arm is tight round my shoulders and he’s gently caressing my hair.
‘You’ve had a rough day,’ he says.
And although it’s true, I haven’t the heart or the energy to even start delving into work stuff, not to mention the fact that I’m officially on the brink of a dole queue. Besides, compared with the fact that he’s here, actually here beside me, it all seems so unimportant right now. And at the end of the day, like I keep telling myself over and over, wasn’t it only a job?
‘But Jake, if you hadn’t been around … I don’t know what I would have done without you today. You’ve been amazing, a rock.’
‘Eloise,’ he sighs deeply, ‘There’s no way you would have had to suffer through what you did if it wasn’t for your link to me. And I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that. Jesus, do you know how much the very thought of it is killing me? Everything you worked so hard for?’
Now my arm is around him, and I’m stroking his cheek. My turn to comfort him, after everything he’s done for me today.
‘I know, of course I know how you must feel,’ I tell him softly, ‘but none of this was your fault, how could it have been? The only person responsible for what I did, is me.’
He’s looking down though and for once I’m finding it impossible to gauge what he’s thinking.
‘Jake, look at me,’ I tell him firmly.
He does, his eyes misty, bloodshot, exhausted looking.
‘The past is behind us now,’ I tell him insistently. ‘Everything’s out in the open. No one can ever throw an accusation at me or anyone connected with you again. It’s OVER. Really and truly over.’
I want to throw in every other cliché I’ve even heard from ‘tomorrow is another day,’ to ‘the sun will come out tomorrow,’ but manage to shut myself up in time. Jake’s smart. He already knows.
‘Then my next question is this,’ he says, leaning in closer to me now.
‘Go ahead, ask me anything.’
‘Can you forgive me? For taking off the way I did? For walking away from you? I was so angry, and a bit shocked, if I’m being honest …’
I slump back against his chest, relief flooding through me.
‘Jake, it’s the other way round. I’m the one who should be thanking you for even talking to me again after what I put you through. All that deceit, all those lies – that bloody weekend …’
‘Seems like it happened another lifetime ago, doesn’t it?’ he says, arms locked around me now. ‘And I felt like such a heel for leaving you there, for deserting you the way I did.’
‘Stop, really there’s no need …’ I try to say exhaustedly into his shirt, but the sound comes out all muffled.
‘Looking back, I think I was just completely knocked for six,’ he goes on, lifting my legs up so I’m sitting on his knee now, lifting me like I weigh almost nothing. Making me love how big he is and how tiny I feel next to him.
‘I mean I’d absolutely no idea … about Lily I mean, and although I was furious with you back then for keeping the truth from me, by the time I got to Ben’s and cooled the head a bit, I realised – well, that everything you’d done, you’d only done for her.’
I nod, tearing up for about the fortieth time that day.
‘And … well, what I’m really trying to say in a ham-fisted way is this; you’ve put yourself out so much for me already and I’ll completely respect any decision you make about her, but …’
‘But?’
‘But if it was okay with you and with Lily of course, I’d love to be a part of her life. Meet her properly, not just bump into her in the park. Really be a proper dad to her, that is. I’d love to take her to the movies and teach her how to ride a bike and buy her ice cream whenever you’re not looking and spoil her rotten. She seems like an amazing kid and it would be a privilege to be her father figure, it really would.’
I don’t even need to think about it. Though I do smile, thinking back to the days when I’d proudly boast that single parenthood was the only possible way for an Alpha female like me to go.
All changed now though, changed unrecognisably.
‘Jake, that would be wonderful,’ I tell him simply. ‘And I know you’ll never just be her father figure, you’ll be more than that. You’ll be her dad.’
He smiles at me then pulls me in closer to him, lightly kissing my forehead now, his eyes burning. And in the woozy, drowsy state I’m in, it’s sexy and lovely and comforting and suddenly, in spite of deep exhaustion, I want more.
Next thing, his hands are cupping my face, his kiss growing deeper and more intense now as I slip my arms tighter round him and feel his whole body tensing under me. Then he traces a soft line of kisses all along my cheeks before I can’t take anymore, I’m like a hormonal teenager burning up for him, so I slide gently on top of him, loving the feel of his tongue lightly flicking mine, suddenly wishing I’d had the foresight to dot a few scented candles around the place to make it all the more romantic. He’s slowly unbuttoning my blouse now, tracing a path of kisses all along my collar bone as I lean back, mmmmm-ing and breathing heavier, and trying to calculate exactly how long it would take the two of us to get upstairs to my bedroom.
Chapter Eighteen
Next morning, I pick Lily up at her friend’s and tell her I’ve got a very special surprise waiting for her back at home. Well her still-sleepy little eyes instantly light up at this and she plays a guessing game with me the whole way home. Barely even notices the straggled, now seriously depleted group of photographers still outside the house, far fewer of them than yesterday, now that the story’s already reached a natural climax and started to abate, thank God. She doesn’t even ask me why we’re using the garden gate at the back to get in today, to avoid the bastards.
Just before we head inside through the patio door, I bend down to her.
‘Sweetheart?’ I whisper in her little ear.
‘Remember I promised you I’d go to the ends of the earth to find your daddy for you?’
Suddenly, she looks brightly, expectantly up at me, shoving a fistful of her curls out of her forehead.
‘Well, he’s here darling and he can’t wait to meet you.’ Then scooping her up into my arms, I lead her inside to the kitchen, where Jake is standing nervously, waiting for us.
‘This is him, Lily. I’d like you to meet your dad.’
Jake beams and instinctively reaches out to take her from me, with a half-fearful look on his face, as though wondering if she will really want to come to him. But he needn’t have worried. Lily’s beaming now and practically leaps into his huge arms, clapping happily, overjoyed to hear that one magic word. ‘Daddy’.
‘I KNEW it!’ she squeals delightedly at him as he cradles her tightly. ‘I KNEW that one day you’d come for me! I always said! Wemember Mama?’
It’s beyond doubt one of the happiest days that I can ever remember. Not once do I even bother looking at a single paper, ego-Googling or checking out what shite is being said behind my back online, but for whole minutes at a
time, I astonish myself by temporarily blanking out everything that’s going on in my life outside of these four walls. Just like that. Block out all the pathetic, sneering ‘sure, didn’t that one have it coming to her all along’ articles in the tabloids, even though my story has by now lost a lot of its heat. I’m not quite sure how it’s happening, but I somehow even manage to block out the fact that I’ve effectively mortgaged my whole future. Not to mention the very real possibility that my career is over and from here on in I’ll be lucky to end up covering the Charleville Community annual egg and spoon race for their local newsletter.
Because to see Jake and Lily together really would bring a lump to your throat. Even Helen keeps alternating between beaming at the pair of them, then dabbing a Kleenex at the corner of her eyes, unable to believe what she’s seeing. Lily basically hasn’t and won’t let Jake out of her sight, constantly clambering all over him, insisting on parading all her toys out to him, then later on in the afternoon, even showing him how to bake cupcakes. This of course, involves Lily running and squealing all round the kitchen like an overexcited little puppy, managing to get just about every pot and saucepan in the whole place covered in thick, gloopy sugary-pink food dye. At one stage, I look up to see her and Jake both covered from head to foot in flour and with big pink splodges all over the pair of them. Then Lily hugs his leg, leaving flour all over his jeans, Jake scoops her up for a kiss and I look on with the stupidest, happiest, most idiotic beam plastered all over my face.
I can scarcely believe it, but for the first time in years, I’m actually happy. We eat, we laugh, we tell stories, we watch a movie, we do all the little things that make up the best parts of family life together. And it’s beyond wonderful.
A Very Accidental Love Story Page 31