Before I ran away to California with Linda, Aimee and I went on a blind date. That’s how we met. We both were single back then and I hosted a little dinner party at my house in Anahola, and Aimee was my date. I heard that she had creole blood in her and, since my mom was from New Orleans, I thought that I would play that card to connect us. I didn’t know yet that she was a Deadhead.
The way that Aimee tells this story, that was the night that I tried to kill her. I figured I’d impress her by cooking something that reminded her of home, something that spoke to her roots in Louisiana. I wasn’t much of a cook, I’m afraid, and I think I just figured that if I rubbed everything in habañero peppers, it would end up tasting like Cajun cuisine because of the spice. But it wasn’t the same kind of spice.
Aimee took one bite and her mouth exploded in flames. If there was a fire extinguisher within reach, she would’ve grabbed it. Instead she begged for a beer. Something to cool down the heat. But this was shortly after I had left Sierra Tucson. I was still sober. I didn’t have anything stronger than water. She thought that was outrageous, coming from a member of the Grateful Dead, and the date was a total disaster.
But I’m a drummer, so I know a thing or two about timing. It was time to wait it out. Years passed. She got married and started an organic farm; I got married and moved away.
When I came back to the island, my ex-wife’s sister was living in my house and I couldn’t simply evict her. It was a process. So I couch-surfed at my neighbor’s house and, one day, he invited Aimee over. Suddenly, I was sitting across from her again and I couldn’t believe it. The timing was finally right.
Before this, Aimee’s husband had passed away from cancer and she needed to mourn before she could start to heal. I had just gotten divorced and I needed time to recover from, well, just about everything that I had gone through in the decade leading up to that moment. But that moment finally came. We started dating. I blew it the first time, but the second time around, I was ready.
Aimee has lived a pretty incredible life and one day maybe she’ll write a book about her life story. I’d certainly buy it. She owned and operated several businesses on Kauai, including a children’s eco-tour company, and she was an organic farmer, but every Saturday night, she turned into a DJ at the local radio station KKCR. She hosted the Grateful Dead Show. I called in once and requested “Black Muddy River.” It’s still curious that I chose that one in particular, because it’s a sad song and I was in a euphoric mood.
“Nobody ever requests ‘Black Muddy River,’” she said. “Did you used to go to shows?”
“Yeah.”
“How many have you been to?”
“About all of them.”
When I told her that, she laughed and said, “Oh, I know who this is!” I was waiting outside the gate at the end of the radio station’s driveway for her.
Aimee’s farm is thirteen acres and, as fortune would have it, it’s less than two miles from my house. It’s just one road down and over. Aimee was worried about her land because the plot right next to hers—about eight acres, overlooking the ocean—was up for sale. If it fell into the wrong hands, the wrong neighbor could’ve seriously fucked up her little corner of paradise.
One day, I called her up with some unexpected news: “Somebody bought the property next to yours,” I said. I could hear the concern in her voice, so I tried to reassure her that it would all work out: “You have a new neighbor … me.”
We’ve spent the past few years building our dream house there and we’re getting ready to move in. So that’s how that fairy tale goes.
I proposed to Aimee in 2011, in New Orleans. I had kinda, sorta asked her to marry me several times before then, but she was stubborn and pushed me away: “If you’re gonna talk like that, you damn well better have a ring in your hand, dude. This isn’t idle chitchat.” So I got a ring. Then I waited for the right place / right time.
I had a couple of gigs down in New Orleans for Jazz Fest, and we stayed in a beautiful suite in an old French hotel, complete with a fake fireplace and marble everything. I sat her down on the couch and—like a man—got down on my knee. She said yes … but then made me wait a year to go through with it. As impatient as I was, I also knew that I’d be with her for the rest of my life. I had gone through four other wives. The fifth’s a charm.
I wanted her hand in marriage so badly, that we had three weddings. The first one was right before I went out on tour with 7 Walkers and it was just a paperwork wedding. I wanted to make it official before I left for the open road. The second time we got married, it was a crazy party with all of our friends and an extravagant island celebration. The third one was the real one—it was a spiritual wedding. We had a Hawaiian enchantress come in and bless the land and the ceremony was stunning and we held it on the winter solstice—December 21—the shortest day of the year. After that day—after the day that she took my hand in marriage—I knew that all my days would start to get longer and longer because the sun seems to shine more and more every day that I’m with her. Still, to this very day.
So yeah, I played drums in the Grateful Dead. And, yeah, I recorded platinum albums and toured the world. I’ve sold out stadiums and played with Bob Dylan and had a hit video on MTV. I went to rehab twice and I went to hell and back a lot more than that. When I look back on it, so many years collapse onto themselves and the thousands of shows that I’ve played all melt into one. But I remember the very moment when I saw Aimee again, after moving back to this island. I remember the very moment she walked in the door at my neighbor’s house, when I was still crashing on his couch.
Every experience that I ever had in my entire life suddenly made sense—it was all one long suspension bridge, leading me to her. My whole life had been a passageway, and all my experiences were an unconventional mode of transportation, getting me closer and closer to my destination—her. Aimee Kreutzmann.
Deadheads can thank Aimee for getting me out there to play music again. It was because of her that I discovered that there’s more music inside of me yet. And it was because of her that I feel motivated to get it out to the world, to sing my song, to sound my beat and to beat my drum.
So, through all the highs and through all the lows, in the end, this book is really just a simple love story. It’s the story of how Bill met Aimee. It’s the story of how life leads us to some pretty crazy places, but even if you feel like you’re at the edge of a cliff and you’re stumbling around blindfolded, as long as you let your heart guide you, it will never lead you astray. I did that for thirty years with the Grateful Dead. We got far out there, in every way and in every direction. Far more than just being a long, strange trip, it was an incredible journey, and I’ve remained grateful every step of the way. Let me assure you that this adventure is far from over, my friends.
And that’s how I get to live happily ever after.
To be continued.…
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
When I Had No Wings to Fly
This book would not have been possible without the love and support of Aimee Kreutzmann or the patience of our editor, Marc Resnick. We extend a very heartfelt THANK YOU to both of them.
This storyline would not have been possible without Jerry Garcia, Bob Weir, Mickey Hart, Phil Lesh, Pigpen, Keith and Donna Godchaux, Brent Mydland, Vince Welnick, or any other musical brethren who shared a song or a stage along the way.
For various reasons, including support (emotional or otherwise), wisdom, memories, magical gifts—and airport rides—Bill and Benjy would like to collectively thank, in alphabetical order:
Adam Haft, Albert Hoffman, “Pinch-hitter” Bob Minkin, Col. Bruce Hampton (Ret.), Chelsea Levy (“Photo Editor”), Chris Joseph, Chris Steffen (“Transcriber”), Cloud 9, David Dunton, David Lemieux, Dennis McNally, Emily Schwartz, Estee and Andy Summers, Jack and Teresa Gardner, Jason Elzy, Jeremy Eisen, Jerry Cortez, Jesse Jarnow, Justin Kreutzmann, Kathy Borst (and ABC too), Ken Weinstein, Kevin Runde, Kidd Candelario, Lauren Sparacino, Lee Nyhus, M
arcia Kreutzmann, Matt Busch, Matthew Dodson, Matthew Rosenberg, Nicholas Merriweather, Pamela Faith Eisen, Peter Eacott, Robert Levy, Rosie McGee, Ryan Kingsbury, Ryan and Eleni Cameron, Sam Cutler, Scott Gallaway, Stu Nixon, Steve Fisher, Steve Parish, Susila, Trixie Garcia, and so on and so forth.
INDEX
The index that appeared in the print version of this title does not match the pages in your e-book. Please use the search function on your e-reading device to search for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below.
AA. See Alcoholics Anonymous
Acapulco Gold
Ace
acid (LSD)
Bear for
for Beat Club
in birthday cake
CIA and
dosage of
in Europe
first trip on
for Hart, M.
Huxley for
illegality of
Kesey, K., and
manufacturing of
perspective from
Playboy Bunnies and
pranks with
routine for
for Shelley
shooting up with
Acid Tests
description of
failing in
at Fillmore Auditorium
in France
French Acid Test
in Los Angeles
with Merry Pranksters
in Portland
Trips Festival as
Alaska
glacier in
performances in
river-rafting in
alcohol
AA for
acid and
cars and
for Pigpen
sobriety for
for Transcontinental Pop Festival
for Williams, K.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
Alfa Romeo
Alfred Pike Memorial Scottish Rites Temple
All-American Band
“Alligator”
Allman Brothers
Altamont
Hells Angels at
insecurity at
Jagger and
location of
murder at
performers at
planning for
Rolling Stones at
on YouTube
American Beauty
psychedelic mushrooms for
Workingman’s Dead compared to
Anaheim Stadium (Los Angeles)
Anahola
“And We Bid You Goodnight”
Andersen, Lee
anger
annulment
Anthem of the Sun
anthology
“Antwerp’s Placebo”
Aoxomoxoa
debt from
Apocalypse Now soundtrack
Arista Records
Arlington National Cemetery
arrests
Ashbury Street residence
Hells Angels and
limitations of
management at
notoriety of
pot bust at
Atherton (California)
audiences. See also specific venues
first
studios compared to
autograph
Avalon Ballroom
awards
Emmy
Grammy
for sound
Aykroyd, Dan
Babbs, Ken
Backbone
backgammon
Baez, Joan
Baker, Ginger
Bakersfield era
Balin, Marty
The Band
band class
Bangles
banjo
Barbata, John
Barbed Wire Whipping Party
Barlow, John Perry
Barnett, Danny
Barraco, Rob
Basie, Count
bass
bathhouse
Bear (Stanley, Owsley)
acid for
character of
designer drugs from
electronics and
food of
money from
parting with
sex and
sound from
Wall of Sound from
weather and
on YouTube
Bear’s Choice. See History of the Grateful Dead, Volume One
Beast
Beat Club
Beat Generation
the Beatles
Bedouins
beer
at Altamont
cars with
drugs compared to
Godchaux, K., and
Heard and
Jerry and
Behavioral Research Center (Stanford)
Belushi, John
Aykroyd with
bathhouse with
cocaine with
Cocker and
death of
with Grateful Dead
Phil against
with SNL
Belvedere Street residence
Berkeley
Betty Ford Center
Big Brother and the Holding Company
Big Joe
Big Nig
Big Sur (Kerouac)
Billy and the Kids
“Bird Song”
birds
birthday cake
Bitches Brew
BK3
Black Crowes
“Black Muddy River”
black powder
Black Sabbath
Blair, Tony
“Blow Away”
blues
Blues Brothers
Blues for Allah
“Bob Dylan and the Grateful Dead”
Bobby. See Weir, Bob
Bonner, Connie
“Born Cross- Eyed”
“Box of Rain”
Bozos or Bolos
Bralove, Brad
Brave New World (Huxley)
Bremen, Germany
Brenda. See Kreutzmann, Brenda
broken wrist
Brown, James
Bruce, Lenny
Bruce Hornsby & the Range
Buffalo Springfield
Built to Last
Burbridge, Oteil
Burnett, Rick
bus drivers
Bush, George W.
Byrds
Café Au Go Go (New York City)
camping. See also Rolling Thunder
Canada. See Transcontinental Pop Festival
Candelario, Kidd
Candy Bar Evacuation
“Candyman”
cannabis. See pot
Capitol Theater (Passaic, New Jersey)
“Cardboard Cowboy”
Carolyn. See Mountain Girl
Carousel Ballroom
cars
alcohol and
Alfa Romeo
with beer
Jeep
Monaco Grand Prix
racing
traffic violation
carvings
Casady, Jack
Cash, Johnny
Cassady, Neal
Hart, M., and
multitasking by
song about
stop sign and
Cassidy, Jack
“Cassidy”
“Caution”
CBS Studios (San Francisco)
Central Park
charity
Charlatans
Charles, Ray
Chateau
Chateau d’Herouville
cherry bombs
childbirth
childhood. See also family; teen years
band class in
drum lessons in
drums in
drumsticks in
experiments in
first concert in
marching band in
reading music in
soul music in
Chimenti, Jeff
CIA
<
br /> “Cissy Strut”
City Section
civil lawsuit
Clapton, Eric
Clemons, Clarence
clubs
Coasters
Coca-Cola Bottling Plant (Marin County, California)
cocaine (coke)
with Belushi
danger and
in Europe
first time with
for Garcia
gift of
horse and
between songs
Cocker, Joe
“Cold, Rain and Snow”
Coleman, Ornette
Coltrane, John
Columbia University free concert
comeback
community. See also Deadheads
Comptche residence
concerts. See also free concerts; specific locations
first
recording of
consciousness, group
Constanten, Tim
Cook, Captain
Cook, Ed
Coolidge, Rita
Coppola, Francis Ford
Coppola, Gian-Carlo
Cortez, Jerry
Costa Rica
costumes
counselor
Cream
crickets
Crosby, David
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
Crosby, Stills & Nash
“Cryptical Envelopment”
cubicles
“Curly Headed Jim”
Cutler, John
Cutler, Sam
Dana Morgan’s
dancing
in Egypt tour
“Dancing in the Streets”
“Dark Star”
Davis, Clive
Davis, Miles
Davis, Tom
Dawson, John
the Dead
as business
change for
hiatus for
musicians in
Dead Ringers: The Making of Touch of Grey (documentary)
Dead Set
Deadheads (fans)
camping for
Jerry with
love and
at memorial
railers and
on setlists
“Shakedown Street” for
for “Touch of Grey” video
“Deal”
death. See also specific individuals
debt
dedication
Deer Creek Amphitheater (Indianapolis, Indiana)
deer poaching
Déjà vu
depression
desperation
Diamond Heights residence
Diggers
DiPirro, Michael
“Dire Wolf”
Disco Biscuits
diving. See scuba diving
documentaries
for Jerry
from Winterland Arena
Deal: My Three Decades of Drumming, Dreams, and Drugs with the Grateful Dead Page 40