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Chapter Eleven
Jackson’s heart pounded in his chest. If there was ever a moment in his life that was more defining of him as a man, he couldn’t think of it. He couldn’t think of one thing he’d done while in the military or in his job as a Texas Ranger that was more important than right now.
He shook where he stood, wanting this moment to play out right, needing to let Libby know that no matter what, his feelings for her were real.
“Show me.”
“What?”
“I don’t want you to hide anything from me. I don’t want you to be afraid of me seeing you.”
“But I am.” “Then let’s walk through this storm. Let’s do it together and we won’t have to fear it again. Neither one of us is going to know how this will be until it happens.” Her lips trembled and he wanted so much to still them with a kiss. A kiss to give her comfort and to show her she had nothing to fear with him. With her face turned to the side, she slowly opened her robe, keeping the long collar covering her breasts right at the nipple. Jackson drew in a slow breath and waited, allowing Libby to be the one to reveal herself. If it took all night, he’d stand there and wait. “Look at me,” he said quietly. “You’re not going to know how I feel unless you see me, too.” With tears streaming down her face, she turned to him and fixed her eyes on his face while she slowly opened the rest of her robe. The small sob that escaped her lips was heartbreaking. The scars on her chest were still red and raw. Just as Libby had said, she had no nipples, just smooth skin over soft mounds of flesh. “Are you still in pain?” he asked. “No, it just feels tight sometimes. Itchy other times.” She took his hand and brought it to her left breast, allowing him to cup her.
“You’re warm and soft,” he said.
“There are some places it still feels numb. They don’t feel the same to me when they’re touched.”
He brushed his fingers in a circle on the outer edges of her breast, beyond the scars. Libby drew in a sharp breath.
“Do you feel that?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said with a weak smile.
“Good. It just means I need to be more creative to find your sweet spots.”
She chuckled with a small sob.
He closed Libby’s robe and fastened it with the tie. The he pulled her into his arms and held her until he felt her body relax against him. He wished to hell he could see her face. The last thing he wanted was for Libby to think he was rejecting her as a woman. But he needed to hold her. He needed to, for himself as much as for her.
She began to pull away but he kept her still in his arms, then forced her to look up at him by tilting her chin with his hand. Brushing a kiss against her cheek, he whispered, “When I make love to you—and just for the record, I do intend to make love to you, Libby—it won’t be when you’re needing comfort or feeling pain from loss and you’re looking for open arms. You have them. I’m here for you all night and for as long as you need me. But when the time comes when we do make love, I want you coming to me because you want me, too.” A tear rolled across his finger. He reached up and gently wiped away the others that had fallen.
“I want you, Libby. Make no mistake about that. I can wait as long as it takes for you to know that in your heart.”
“I think…I believe you.” “Well, then I have a lot of work ahead of me. Because when we do finally get naked, you’re going to know how much I want you. How much I have been wanting you since the moment we met. You won’t need any convincing from me on that.” “Thank you for that,” she said quietly. “And just for the record, those aren’t battle scars, Libby. They’re battle stars.” “Yeah?” She giggled and it sounded like music to his ears. “Then maybe when I get my nipples tattooed on I’ll ask them to do the bronze star instead.” He chuckled softly. “You’ve surely earned them.” “Yeah, I guess I have.” “The sky is starting to get light. Why don’t we go inside? There’s a perfectly good sofa that is big enough for two. I’m sure we can get comfortable.”
He’d held her the rest of the night as the sun came up and the room filled with light. He had a feeling it was the first good bit of sleep Libby had had in months.
* * *
She’d told Jackson the truth. What’s more is she’d shown him.
And he hadn’t run away.
When her mother had told her about the BRCA mutation that she’d had, that caused the death of both her aunt and her grandmother as well, Libby’s mother had urged her to get tested, and if she had it, consider elective surgery to prevent having to live in fear and with eventual sickness.
Libby was just a young girl when her mother had been diagnosed with her first occurrence of breast cancer. She remembered all too well the battle her mother waged against her cancer. With each treatment, each surgery, she was sure she would beat the odds. She’d continued to work on the ranch and be the mother she’d always dreamed of being to both Libby and John. And Karen Calvert was a wonderful mother.
But Libby also remembered sitting on the top step of the stairway and listening to her mother and father in the living room downstairs. She remembered the fear in her mother’s voice and the sound of her father crying. Buck Calvert was a strong Texas cowboy, but his love for her mother was stronger, and losing her was the only thing that could break him.
That is until the day they’d received word that her brother John had been killed in Iraq. Libby had sat on the top step that night, too, and listened to her father weeping in the living room alone.
She remembered the day she’d gone to her doctor after finding a small lump in her breast. The lump had been benign. But the fear had grabbed her by the throat, and Libby had seen that same desperation in her father’s eyes that she’d seen when they’d learned her mother’s cancer was terminal.
Libby couldn’t let her father live with the fear that he would lose his entire family. So she elected to have her breasts removed, and later have reconstructive surgery. Buck had remortgaged the house when their health insurance wouldn’t cover the cost. He would have sold the entire ranch if he’d had to.
Now Libby was alone, broken and scarred. But when Jackson had learned the truth, he’d stayed. He’d held her the entire night and whispered to her softly. He didn’t just tell her she was beautiful. He made her feel beautiful, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time.
But her journey wasn’t over. Her breasts were scarred, and her chances of developing breast cancer were reduced significantly. But her grandmother had died of ovarian cancer and that was still a risk she had to consider.
Her window to have children was very small. There was a time when Libby didn’t think the possibility of having any children existed. She didn’t have a man in her life to make her dream that big. But now even the chance at having one child of her own seemed within reach.
Last night had been terrifying. It had been wonderful and beautiful. But in the light of day, it didn’t feel the same. He’d left early this morning after getting a phone call from his office in Austin, making the fear she’d had about telling Jackson about her surgery rush back.
She didn’t feel any sense of relief until she heard Jackson’s truck come into the driveway again. She decided to go out to the porch to greet him. But instead of seeing his usual smiling face, complete with the dimple she found so adorable, his face was drawn.
“What’s wrong?”
“Cole is in custody.”
“What? What happened?”
“I know about Cole, Libby” Jackson said, standing on the porch, looking toward the edge of the ranch. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me.”
“Tell you what?”
“Don’t play dumb with me. You’re not a stupid woman and I’m not a fool. At least I’m trying not to be where you’re concerned.”
She loved this man. Libby was sure of it. But she loved Cole, too. She wouldn’t be the one to reveal his secrets. They were his. And she’d fight tooth and nail to make sure no one wronged him. Even Jacks
on. But she didn’t have to utter a word.
“Did you even give a thought to what you were putting in jeopardy?” Jackson asked. “You tell me you love this ranch. But his being here as an undocumented immigrant…you could lose it all.”
“I did lose it all. Cole is a good man, Jackson. He’s the only family I have left.”
“Libby—”
“Did you hear me? He’s all I have left.”
“You have me! I’ve told you that. Wasn’t I able to prove that to you last night?”
“Last night was very important to me. You know how hard that was.”
“It all makes sense now. You weren’t coming down to the police station because you thought Cole was being arrested for killing your father. You thought he’d been arrested because he was in the United States illegally.”
Libby’s breath caught in her throat. The cloud that had been hanging over all of them for so long had now fallen before her.
“What are you going to do? What’s going to happen to him?”
“I’ve sworn to uphold the law.”
“Did you report him to the INS?”
“I didn’t have to. Just investigating him was enough for him to come up on someone’s radar. I probably know more about him than you know.”
“I doubt that. The private investigator my father hired—”
“Turned him in. Did you know that?”
“What? That can’t be true.”
“He was caught blackmailing a client and was arrested. He gave up Cole in the hopes to win points with the prosecutor. It didn’t work, but the damage was done. He turned over all his files on Cole. Now that the INS is aware he’s been working here for years, the fines the ranch could be levied with for knowingly hiring and housing Cole could put you under.”
“He came to the United States when he was a little boy.”
“Yes, I know. When Cole was a year old, his mother left Mexico to find his biological father who she claimed was a US citizen. Except it could never be proven. And since Cole was born in Mexico, the only citizenship he can prove is his Mexican citizenship.”
“This is the only country he remembers living in. He’s always thought of the US as his home.”
“There are millions of young people just like him in the same position, Libby. But the law is the law. I can’t just walk away from it.”
She grunted her frustration. “Jackson, you’ve been after him since the day you stepped on this ranch. All he ever did was try to make a life for himself without trouble. Do you know he put himself through college and finished with honors at just twenty-one years old? He didn’t even know he was here illegally until he went to get his driver’s license after he graduated. Can you imagine how it felt to find something like that out at that age? It changed everything for him. He is an innocent in this. Even you have to understand that.”
“I do. But I have no control over what the INS will do. I’m more concerned about what they’re going to do to you because of the ranch’s involvement.”
“He’ll be deported, Jackson.”
“Maybe.”
“To where? Jackson, where the hell would he go? He doesn’t know anyone in Mexico.”
“There are people here who are working with undocumented immigrants. They can help them, Libby. They’re not interested in destroying lives. He should have tried to make it legal.”
“That’s just the point. That’s what my father was trying to help him do. If he can find his father, then he can prove through DNA that he has at least one parent who is a US citizen.”
“His father is dead.”
“What?”
“The man he claims is his father has been dead for thirteen years. There’s no way he can get DNA because the man was cremated. It’s a dead-end. The INS found the documentation when the private investigator was arrested. Unless there is some other compelling bit of evidence that proves Cole has been in the country his whole life, he’ll be deported.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? I mean, it’s no secret you don’t like him.”
“I don’t like that you love him.”
“Of course, I love him. I thought I cleared that up last night.”
Jackson’s face looked stricken.
She added in a small voice, “I’m not in love with him, Jackson. There’s a big difference.”
When he didn’t say anything, Libby went on.
“I need to help him.
“You say you’re not in love with him. But I can’t understand this hold Cole has over you. He’s a ranch hand.”
Libby shook her head.
“You just don’t understand. He’s family. I don’t need any papers to tell me so. I just know he is.”
Jackson took a step toward her. Libby felt her muscles tense and fought the urge to step away. She had to face this now.
“You should leave now, Jackson. Please leave,” she said quietly.
“Not while you’re this upset. When I know you’re going to be—”
“No, I mean Liberty. Your investigation into my father’s death is over. Whatever it is that you’re looking for, you’re not going to find it here.”
“Don’t say that. You’re what I want.” His voice was a soft caress. She could almost feel it running over her bare skin, bringing her shivers of delight.
“Today. Maybe even tomorrow. But you have this wonderful family with a wonderful life that is whole. It’s suddenly clear to me that no matter how I try, I’m never going to be able to give you what you want. Hell, if I wait too much longer I might not even be able to give you one child, never mind a whole brood of Gentrys like you talked about.”
“You’re upset. Let’s just stop for a minute and talk about this.”
“Why? It’s not going to change things. You’re never going to understand my relationship with Cole because you’ve never been in a place where you needed to step outside your family.”
“No, I ran away from it. I’m trying to rectify that.”
“So go do it. Go back to Steerage Rock. I’ll do what I can to help Cole because he’s my family. I mean it, Jackson. There’s nothing for you here.”
“What are you so afraid of?”
Her bitter laugh was soft. But Jackson heard it. Even more upsetting was the way he gasped when he saw her tears.
“You’re not going to let this go.”
“Not if it hurts you. I want to make it go away. Whatever it is, I want to help you make the hurt go away.”
“You can’t.”
He shook his head. “It takes time, Lib. We’re just beginning. I know I didn’t want anything but work for a long time after my mother passed. I was hurt and angry. But I don’t want to be running away anymore. I want you.”
Her face was wet with tears and she hated herself for it. She’d shed enough tears over this. It was time to move on with her life. Whatever life that was going to be.
“I can’t give you want you want, Jackson.”
He smiled weakly. “You’re pushing me away again because you’re scared.”
“You’re right. I am scared. But I still want you to leave.”
She turned and walked into the house, feeling more shattered than she had last night.
* * *
Jackson felt the air being sucked out of his lungs.
Frustrated, he pulled the screen door open and charged into the house. He wanted to hold Libby in his arms, feel her heart beating strong against his chest. He needed to feel her warm body against his to know those few seconds of terror he’d just felt when she’d told him to leave, he would never have to feel again.
But she turned and walked away from him, shielding herself from him by standing on the other side of the kitchen table.
“What part of leave don’t you understand?”
Anger surged through him. “All of it.”
“Did you hear me? I can’t give you what you want.”
“How the hell do you know what I want?”
Her shoulders fell.
“I saw the way you were with Brock. I heard you talk about your family. You’re never going to have this with me. And if this issue with Cole continues to stand between us, the window of opportunity for me to have one child will close before we can ever even try to have a baby together. So you see, it’s impossible. We’re impossible.”
She sat down hard on a kitchen chair and dropped her hands in her lap. She took a deep breath, pressing her shirt tight against the lovely curves of her body. “What I have here is what I’ll have for the rest of my life. So you see, it’s best that we just end whatever was starting last night right now. It can’t go anywhere that will lead to happiness.”
“I don’t believe you.”
She sputtered. “Do you need to see my medical record to believe—”
“No. I don’t believe that we can’t find happiness together.”
She stared at him for a long time, her head slightly shaking. “Didn’t you hear a word I just said?”
“I heard everything.”
He walked slowly toward her and dropped down into the chair next to her.
“It doesn’t change how I feel.”
There was hope in her eyes. Just a flash of it. She quickly turned and looked at the clock on the wall and then back at him. When she did, that hope was gone. But it had been there. She’d wanted it. She wanted him. That gave Jackson enough hope to press on.
Leaving Liberty, a Western Romance (Book 5) (Texas Hearts) Page 9