After our morning and my second shower, we went back to bed and laid around, talking about everything and nothing. The same relaxed feeling I felt with him years ago returned. I’m not exactly sure why I’m drawn to Jet, but I am.
“Wow, yesterday was that good, huh?” Zanie’s question brings a smile to my face. Yesterday was the best day I’ve had that hasn’t included my daughter in...geez, I don’t know how long.
“Yeah, it was. Jet’s great. He seems okay with Alana, and time will only tell how things will go with Max...” I trail off, not finishing my statement.
“But. I hear a but somewhere in there.” But I’m a liar. I still am, and I don’t know what to do.
“He still doesn’t know. Not everything.”
Zanie’s face changes from sweet to angry. “You don’t owe him everything. You told him the parts that involve him. Don’t make this sound like it’s the same thing as you pretending to date him.”
I jump to my feet. “I didn’t pretend crap, and you know that.”
Zanie smiles. “And that just proves my point. Things happened in your life, things you didn’t have control over Rach and you don’t have to share that with anyone. If the day comes that you’re ready, then fine, you can tell him.”
My stomach turns from the thoughts that are traveling through my head. “But things happened. While I knew Jet before, he might...he could...”
“Stop. Stop it right there.” Zanie gets up and walks over to me, taking my hand in hers. “If this still bothers you so much, maybe you should go and talk to someone. Get an outsider’s opinion. Get it off your chest but most importantly, put it to rest and move on. You can’t allow this to control your life any more than it already has.”
I thought my past was behind me, but then...then Jet called and almost every moment of my previous life came flooding back. I don’t blame Jet, but unfortunately, my mind connects him to a time I don’t care to remember.
“Maybe you’re right. I feel like I should tell him but...” I take a deep breath, fighting off my tears. “But I don’t want to talk about it. I like that it’s hidden away in my past.”
“But it’s not. Today, right now, it’s bothering you, and if I had to guess, I would say in ten or twenty years it will still haunt you on some level. Rach, I know you. I know you think Jet will be angry with you but he won’t. He’ll be angry, yeah, but not with you, and if he is, then kick his ass to the curb because he’s not worth it.”
Zanie is right. The day Jet came to my apartment and confronted me—I was expecting it, but I was still caught off guard. He deserves to know the truth, and I should have told him, but I knew he was going to leave me sooner or later regardless. Now, if I tell him everything, I risk having to watch him walk out of my life again, leaving me just as devastated as the last time. My ever-turning stomach continues to worsen from the thought that history might repeat itself.
“Okay, I’ll tell him soon. I’ll tell him soon,” I repeat, more for myself.
Zanie gives me a look of pity then moves back to the computer. “I already had Max’s schedule, so I worked around him and the sitter’s available time. You should be good where Alana is concerned.”
“Thanks.” I softly place my hand over hers. “Thanks for everything.” Zanie knows I’m talking about more than just my schedule, but thankfully, she lets it drop.
Unlike Zanie, I’m not positive Jet is going to be overly forgiving, and after the amazing and very easy day we spent together yesterday, I want to enjoy having him in my life, especially if he won’t be around long.
* * * *
“Jet McKenzie, huh?”
I take a deep breath before turning toward Max. I knew this was coming. “Yep. Do you have a problem with that?”
Max and I dated for a little over a month. I met him one night at a bar shortly after I moved to New York.
R.A. Photography just wrapped up its first big shoot and Zanie, Steven, and myself went out to celebrate. I liked Max from the moment I met him, but my feelings never went past that. I knew—at the time, anyway—he wanted more from me, even before I found out I was pregnant. Now, over five years later, whatever romantic feelings he once felt are definitely platonic. But the one thing Max does well is hover, and somehow I’ve given him the impression he has some kind of say in my dating life.
“No. I just thought you said he was part of your past and that’s not what it looks like to me.” I groan as I go back to fixing dinner. “Don’t get pissed. I’m only asking. Since when is that not allowed between us?”
I place the knife I’m cutting vegetables with down and turn back toward him. “Asking me is fine, but I heard the tone you used when you said his name.”
Max asked me about Jet the first week I met him. He saw his initials inked on my shoulder and didn’t waste any time questioning me. Over the years, I’ve told him everything, and now I hate that he knows things that Jet doesn’t.
“You care about him, or at least you did enough at some point in your life to permanently mark him on your body, so of course, I’m going to ask you.” Max’s face darkens with a serious and almost concerned expression. Therefore, I can’t be upset with him, not when I know his heart is in the right place.
“Alana is already talking about him. If this isn’t going somewhere for you, then you need to back off and make sure he knows he’s just a friend.”
“And if it is going somewhere?” I challenge because he sounds like he’d prefer I not see Jet again.
“I know you. I know the guilt you carry around, and I’m not sure you’re ready to let that go.” His comment leaves me unsettled.
“Don’t get mad. I’m only telling you what I think. I love you, and I want to see you happy. I want you to put everything behind you, you know that. Figure out what you’re capable of handling with this guy then move forward, with or without him.”
Max wraps his arms around me and gives me a tight squeeze. I thought he might act jealous over Jet’s place in my life, but I think he’s only thinking of me and Alana.
“I’ll talk to him soon,” I say at the same time I hear someone knock on my door. Without even thinking, Max walks over and opens the door, only to find Jet standing there with a surprised, almost startled look on his face.
“Hello,” he says to Max with a small head nod, then his eyes move toward me.
“Hey. Come in. I didn’t know you were going to stop by,” I add as he moves through the door and toward my open kitchen area.
“I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time. I was on my way home from work and thought I could stop by to see you and the little one.”
“Alana is at a play date with a friend. She’ll be back in probably an hour,” Max answers for me.
My eyes remain on Jet as his features go hard. “Oh, I figured if you were here then Alana would be, too.”
And there it is: my underlining problem when it comes to dating. I’ve slept with Max, therefore if I describe him as a brother figure to the man I’m dating, it doesn’t go over well, but that’s how I feel toward Max. I don’t regret sleeping with him because I have Alana as a result of our very short time together, but if I had waited longer and got to know Max before I went to bed with him, I never would have crossed that line.
Before I have the chance to say anything, Max opens his mouth again. “Oh, the two of us are fixing dinner. You’re more than welcome to stay.” I take my eyes off of Jet to glare at Max. This is my apartment. Jet is here to see me, and Max is only adding to whatever crazy thoughts Jet is probably having about the two of us.
“Yes, please. Stay,” I add as I walk up to Jet. I wrap my arms around him, hoping to take the sting of Max’s words away. When I step back, Jet leans down and deeply kisses me. I’m sure this is his way of making a point to Max, but either way, I stop him before he crosses a line.
“If you don’t mind, I think I will stay for dinner.” Jet smiles at me then delivers a hard look toward Max.
“Sounds good. We always end up
fixing too much food.”
Shit. I glare in Max’s direction. He’s doing everything he can to make his point: that he belongs here in my life, in my apartment. Based on the grim look on Jet’s face, I’d say Max has achieved his goal.
I loudly clear my throat and give Max another hard look, one that thankfully sends the exact message I was directing at him.
“I’m going to head home and check a few emails. I’ll be back in a few,” Max states.
The second the door closes, the tension in the room skyrockets.
“Say it. Just say whatever it is you’re thinking.” My eyes are cast toward the floor, but when the room remains silent, I finally look up at him. He’s closely watching me, and I can’t decide if he’s pissed or just thinking.
“Jet?” I softly say in an attempt to get him to say something.
“This is a normal night for you? Eating dinner with Max and Alana?”
I can hear the disappointment in his tone. Somehow, I foolishly thought we’d have more time together before Max became an issue.
“He lives next door. We switch off which apartment Alana sleeps in, but it doesn’t really make sense when we’re both home to fix two meals and make her choose whom she shares dinner with. If I didn’t think it would confuse her, we’d share an apartment, but I think it’s important for her to see we can be a family but not in the traditional way most families are.”
Jet watches me closely, like he’s waiting for me to say something more. “Is this a problem for you?”
His jaw clenches as his eyes dance back and forth. “If I say yes, will anything change?”
“Between Max and me? No, nothing will change.”
His eyes thin with a harsh look. “Are you saying if I tell you it’s a problem then things will change between you and me?”
I take a deep breath and slowly nod my head. “You either trust me or you don’t. I know you have a million reasons why trusting me would be hard, but this is my life now. Take it or leave it.”
His eyes narrow before he looks away from me. After a few moments, he starts to slowly pace back and forth before he stops. When he finally looks at me, I see the agony he’s feeling on his face, and it hits me harder than I could’ve expected.
“You’re saying just like that you’d walk away from me? That yesterday didn’t mean anything to you? Because I have to tell you, after our day together, I want more, but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case for you.”
“That’s not fair. You came here tonight, and within seconds, you’re asking me to choose between you and Max? I told you he’s a part of my life, and I’ve told you I don’t want him like that. I love him, but I’ve never been in love with him. He’s Alana’s father. That’s why he’s here every night. That’s why we share more dinners together than we don’t, and if you give it some time, then you’d probably be a part of our evenings, too.”
“Slowly,” he growls.
“Yes, slowly. I feel a lot for you already, but this right here proves we’re not ready for a serious relationship. Alana will always come first.”
He huffs, “I didn’t ask to come before Alana, but is it too much to ask the woman I’m falling for to put me before her ex? You didn’t even think about my question before you answered me.”
I groan in frustration. “Don’t you understand by asking me to change my life with Max that you’re asking me to change Alana’s world? This” —I point to the food I was cutting before he stopped by— “this right here is normal for her. If I suddenly change my routine, I’m changing hers and Max’s as well. Max and I made a deal years ago that we’d include other people in our lives, but we wouldn’t ditch each other. A year ago, I sat at his table with him and his girlfriend while we ate dinner. And tonight, Max was making his own point that he has a place in my life, but he was still trying to include you.”
I’m standing here waiting for him to say something, anything, when my door opens and Max and Alana walk in. “Mommy,” Alana yells as she jumps out of Max’s arms and runs over to hug my leg.
“Melissa called my cell as I was leaving to tell me they were back, so I went down and grabbed her.”
Alana turns and spots Jet. “Yay, Jet. You’re here. Are you going to eat dinner with us?” she sweetly asks.
“No, pumpkin, not tonight. I need to get some work done.” My heart starts to crack the second I hear his answer.
“We can have him over another night, princess,” Max says, giving me a pleading look. He’s afraid he pushed too hard too fast, and now he’s worried that I’m going to be pissed.
“It was nice of you to stop by, Jet. We’ll see you another time,” I reply with little to no emotion in my voice. He seems taken aback by my comment, but I’m not sure why. He’s leaving. That in itself tells me everything I need to know.
“Okay. I’ll call you later,” he softly adds before walking out my door. He might’ve looked back toward me, but I wouldn’t know because I was already walking to the bathroom where I allowed myself a few seconds to grieve the loss of a relationship I’ve spent years dreaming about.
JET
“DO YOU CARE WHAT WE have for dinner?” I hear hollered across the room.
“Anything except pizza,” I yell, causing my sister to laugh. My nephew has a serious love for pizza, and over the years, I’ve had my fill.
“That’s typically my answer when Adam asks me, and I definitely don’t ask Connor what he wants anymore.” I decided to skip work today and drive to Boston where I could spend time with my sister and nephew.
“How are things going with Rachel?” Kole excitedly asks. I knew this was coming. My sister was ecstatic the night the five of us went out for dinner, and I know why. She wants to see me happy, and she thinks that won’t happen unless I have a woman in my life.
“I don’t know. I haven’t talked to her since Monday.”
“What? Why not? You two seemed great together. What happened?”
I lean forward, grab the beer in front of me, and take a long pull before I reply, “In a nutshell, she told me her ex would always come before me.”
Kole’s eyes scrunch, clearly confused. “She told you that? That she’d put her ex before you?”
I shake my head slightly. “Not in so many words, but yeah.”
“What exactly did she say?” she challenges, already hell bent on fixing things.
“Alana’s father lives in the apartment next to them. Rachel claims they are good friends, and they have a strong bond for Alana, which sounds great, but when I stopped by, I saw them acting like a real family...I don’t know.” I groan. “I don’t know how to react, especially when her response is, like it or get out.”
Kole’s face changes to something close to pity. “I’m sorry. Do you think she has unresolved feelings for him?”
“That’s the thing; I don’t, at least not on her part. I’m not sure what Max wants, but I do know that Rachel says he had a serious girlfriend a while back. Either he’s not pining away for her, or he was attempting to make her jealous.”
“Disrupting a child’s routine isn’t something a mother takes lightly. I’m not sure how she managed to stay such good friends with her ex, but I applaud her for doing so. I guess what you have to decide is if your feelings for her outweigh the risk of getting yourself involved. If they are, then you shouldn’t let her slip by.”
“My feelings for Rachel are stronger than I’ve felt for any woman. I want something with her, possibly a future, but I don’t think I can handle playing second to Max.”
Kole leans forward. “Jet, you haven’t earned a place in her life yet. I bet when you do you’ll find that your role is a hell of a lot better than her ex has.”
“What happens later, huh? We get married, have kids of our own, and drag him along with us?”
Kole’s eyes widen. “You have to get past this. I’m serious. I’ve never heard you talk about marriage and kids before. Did she tell you that they were always going to live next to each other or have
you stopped and considered that this arrangement works for now because neither of them are with anyone else?”
I groan. “They have dinner together every night. How can I compete with that?”
“You don’t, Jet. Don’t make this into a competition. Instead, add to their lives. Be a part of what they share. Make a place in her heart for you.”
That’s exactly what I want. They asked me to stay for dinner, but instead I left, pouting. I called her that night, but I waited until it was very late. I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t answer, but what did surprise me was the fact that I haven’t heard a word from her since, not that I called her again.
The last four days have been a brand new version of hell. At work, I’ve been downright hateful, and I’ve stayed much later than normal. The thought of heading home to an empty apartment weighed heavy on me, especially knowing there was somewhere else I wanted to be.
I know on some level I’m being unfair. She told me upfront about Max and how he plays a big role in her life, but after Sunday, the thought of another man—especially one that knows her intimately—practically living with her was harder to stomach than I thought.
“Hey, Uncle Jet!”
I look over and see my little man...well, not so little anymore. “Hey, bud.”
“Mom didn’t tell me you were coming,” he adds with a huge smile. This kid means the world to me. When I first left California, I felt lost. Living in a new city, away from all of my friends was hard, but being close to Dad, my sister, and Connor made life worth living.
“You know me. I can’t seem to stay away long.” Connor gives me a smirk then starts talking about his day at school. Kole is listening to every word he’s saying, and it’s moments like these that make me eager to have my own family. Someone to come home to and share your life with, that’s the bottom line where my frustration with Max comes from. Rachel already has this with someone else but...but at the same time, she doesn’t.
“Did you hear me?” I feel Connor jab my side, bringing me out of my thoughts. “Sorry, no, what did you say?”
Damaged Love Page 17