Stuart was Driscoll’s drummer and one of his best friends. Driscoll ran towards the vehicle. Regina stared at the fire—it was indeed spreading.
“Dris,” she called but her voice came out weak.
He went to the vehicle, going around so she couldn’t see him. The flames licked down the side of the car.
“Dris,” she yelled, glad that this time it had come out as she’d intended. She struggled to get up then finally sat, grabbing her belly in pain. Dazed, she started at the fire and shakily got to her knees. “Dris,” she called even louder.
“Reggie,” he replied as he came around the vehicle with Stuart slung over his shoulders, running towards her.
The van exploded and Regina gasped. Horrified, she started as the blast threw Driscoll. He flew through the air then dropped a little away from her. Driscoll was still beneath Stuart who lay over him, also still. Regina tried to stand but, finding she couldn’t, she dropped to her hands then crawled towards him, ignoring the wrenching pain. Finally, after what seemed like forever, she reached the two men. Shakily, she touched Stuart and checked his pulse. It was faint but there. She held back a gag as she saw his back was burnt. Gently, she pushed him off Driscoll. Stuart didn’t make sound—he was out cold. Finally, able to see Driscoll, she held onto the need to vomit as she saw his back was as burnt as Stuart’s was. She moved his head gently so she could see the side of his face. Regina put her fingers against his throat and relief filled her as she felt his pulse. She leaned over and looked at his face.
“Dris,” she screamed.
He groaned and blinked looking at her. His familiar gaze was cloudy. He smiled then said gently, “Tell Spence I love him. And tell your baby about his Uncle Dris.”
“You’re not dying on me, you bastard!” she screamed.
Stuart woke, yelling in agony. Driscoll stared at her. “I love you too, Reggie. Take care of my brother.” He breathed out and his body went slack. Regina stared, unable to believe he was gone. She reached for him and everything went black.
“He saved me then he died.” Regina blinked, startled at the sound of her own voice.
“You’ve never talked about it before,” Spencer said.
She realised she’d said everything she remembered aloud. Regina shook her head then collapsed. Spencer caught her, lowering them both to the floor then rocked her. Regina held him tight.
“He lived, Regina,” Spencer crooned in her ear. “He lived because of us. He saved you but then we saved him. Remember he wanted to die. Both he and Stuart were determined to die. But we wouldn’t let them.” His voice was soft and firm. “We arranged it for them to be in the same hospital room and we were there twenty-four seven. We had help from family and our friends who are our family. But we were the ones who Dris and Stu depended on to be stubborn enough to not let them die.” Spencer rocked her gently, smoothing his hand over her back. “Then after when they were released and those weeks of recovery and therapy, we stayed at Dris’ house with them both and made sure they worked to get back to themselves.”
“They will never be themselves,” Regina said bitterly. “None of us are.”
“I didn’t mean it literally. We all change daily, Reggie. Things happen that make us change. No one is the same. It’s what you do with the changes that are important.” Spencer turned her face to his. “Dris and Stu lived and then survived to live a full life because of help from us. You didn’t kill them. None of them. It was an accident.”
She opened her mouth. Spencer pressed his finger over her lip.
“An accident that tragically took many lives.” Spencer’s tears fell. “Including our child. It was tragic, but it wasn’t your fault, Reggie. No one blames you. I love you, Reggie.”
“I killed our son, Spence.” She blinked as her tears flowed down her cheeks.
Spencer inhaled. “Since the accident, that’s the first time you acknowledged we were having a boy.” He gently rubbed away her tears. “Hell, this is the first time you ever hinted that you blamed yourself.” He studied her. “I realise now that after the accident you evaded what happened. I was going between you, Dris and the other band mates to make sure everyone was okay. Then when you recovered, you came and helped, pushing away any concern for yourself. That was an evasion, Regina.” He cupped her cheek. “The guilt for what happened is not necessary.”
“I did it.” She closed her eyes.
“You told the story of what happened from your view, Reggie,” Spencer said. “But when Dris told me what happened a while after the accident, it was slightly different.”
Regina looked at him. “I’m sure it was. He blames me for what happened.”
“You’re an idiot.” Spencer’s gentle reprimand made her frown.
“It’s true.”
“It’s as true as you killing his band mates.” He paused briefly. “Or our son.”
Regina flinched at having him confirm he believed she did murder him.
“There is no kernel of truth in either.” Spencer rubbed his finger on her cheek. “There is no one to blame. I—”
“I’m to blame. I was driving.”
“Then I’m to blame for asking you to pick them up,” Spencer countered.
“That’s not true.” Regina shook her head.
“Why not? I was supposed to pick Dris and his band from the airport but got called into work. I asked you to go to pick them up instead. So I’m to blame for sending you instead.” Spencer shrugged.
“That’s stupid. You didn’t do anything.”
“Hmmm…then maybe we can blame Dris for asking me to pick him up thus me asking you and then creating the accident.” Spencer scowled. “Yeah, let’s blame him.”
“It wasn’t his fault or yours.” She shook her head.
“Then why is it your fault that a tree fell and made you have an accident.” Spencer’s tone was reasonable.
“Don’t try the reverse psychology on me,” she said tucking her head against his neck.
“It’s true.” Spencer hugged her. “The silence between us was because of your guilt. About Dris and the others. Most especially about our son.”
Regina didn’t answer. He already sounded sure he knew the reasons. And he was correct—she was guilty about what had happened.
“I bet you’ve thought that us not having a child together bothers me. But it doesn’t, Reggie. I love you and you are everything to me.” Spencer rubbed his head against her hair. “If you had died that day I would have died too. You are my heart and soul, Reggie. The woman who has claimed me as hers. I won’t let you blame yourself for this.”
However, I am to blame. Our son is dead because of me and we can never have another child. I can never give you a child. You say it doesn’t matter, but it does. Regina remembered all the times they’d talked about how many kids they would have. They’d wanted a houseful. Spencer would be a great father. She’d taken that away from him. The blame was hers—she was the driver of the van that had affected so many lives and nothing anyone could say would change the fact she’d killed so many people. Devastated families and changed lives. Killed their son, who she’d imagined would look like Spencer. Spencer kissed the top of her head.
“I’m glad this is finally in the open. No more silence, Reggie. You are not at fault for anything that happened. You need to believe that.”
But I am to blame. She closed her eyes. And I’ll never believe anything different.
Chapter Seven
Regina absently stared out of the window. The landscape around Moments was brightly lit by the mid-day sun. She imagined the workers were doing the final set up for the wedding she was in charge of, which was occurring the next day. It had been iffy that the weather would hold for them to do it outside—they had been getting a lot of rain for the last week. She rubbed her hands up and down her arms. Until a week ago, she usually hadn’t let the rain bother her but since talking about the accident, she had been uneasy with it.
“Reggie—”
She
jumped and looked towards the doorway of her office. Julianne frowned and came in, closing the door behind her. Regina bit back a sigh. She knew that look—Julianne wasn’t going to be put off any longer. After speaking with Spencer, when she’d come in the first workday after their talk, her partners had looked at her and they knew her well enough to know something was wrong. She’d forestalled them asking by keeping busy. She’d had a legitimate excuse, since the bride had been particularly demanding and was making last minutes changes. Regina looked at the phone and wished it would ring.
“What’s going on with you, Reggie?” Julianne leaned on the desk beside her. “Is everything okay with you and Spencer?”
“Everything is fine.” Regina crossed her arms.
And it was. There was a lightness and relief in Spencer she could clearly see in how he acted. It was as if since she told him what she believed, he thought everything would be fine. He didn’t seem to realise life went on, but fine was relative to what you gauged it by. He was glad she had revealed what had happened and how she felt, but to her it was only bringing back memories best left buried.
“You say that, but it doesn’t seem to be.” Julianne studied her. “I’m here if you need to talk.”
“I know. Thanks.” Regina fought to not cry. It wouldn’t change anything. She stared at Julianne and thought about Julianne’s own loss.
“I want to ask you something. And it might hurt you to think about it. But I want you to take a moment before you answer. Answer honestly.”
“Go ahead and ask.” Julianne nodded.
Regina thought a bit to formulate her thoughts. “When you and Charles had the accident, did you blame him for causing it?”
“No.” Julianne’s tone was adamant. She paused then frowned. “When I woke and was told Charles was dead and my baby might die, all I could think was loss.”
“I know that. I was there.” Regina leant forward and asked again, since she didn’t think Julianne had understood her question, “But after, when you had time to think, did you blame him then? He caused the accident.”
“The answer is the same, Reggie.” Julianne stared at her. “Why would I blame him if it was an accident?” Julianne leaned closer. “Do you think Charles would have blamed me if he’d lived and I had died? Knowing him, I know he wouldn’t have. Why would I blame him? I love him.”
Regina leant back at her words—almost the same as Spencer’s.
“I did feel guilty that I lived and he didn’t,” Julianne said softly.
Regina nodded. She could relate to that—she felt the same about her baby. About Driscoll’s band mates who hadn’t survived. Even how the lives of those who’d survived had changed.
“But I eventually came to the realisation that I couldn’t let the guilt eat at me.” Julianne touched her shoulder. “That even if we don’t understand it, things happen. Devastating, life changing things that rip you apart and you don’t think you can survive.” Julianne inhaled then let the breath out shakily. “But you do even when you wish you didn’t. Then life keeps going on and you have to also. Life is a precious gift, Reggie, and each moment is to be appreciated.”
Regina felt Julianne’s words deep inside and she wished it could be that easy to let go of the guilt.
“It’s not easy,” Julianne said.
“What, are you a mind reader?”
“Nope. I figured you were thinking the same thing I was when someone had a similar conversation with me.” Julianne smiled gently.
“Who did you have this talk with?”
“Driscoll.” Julianne chuckled softly. “That man has an innate sense to know things you don’t think anyone else can see. He realised that although I was acting fine, I was anything but. He came by my house one day. This was after Rissa,” she said, referring to her daughter, “and I were home and recovering. Everyone had started to get back to normal. I didn’t feel like I was ever going to be normal.” She clasped her hands together. “Dris came by and he at first said it was to see his lovely goddaughter. He cleaned the house, put away groceries he’d bought and made me shower. Then took care of Rissa while I slept. When I woke he had a meal for me than we had a talk. He said something similar to what I just told you.” Julianne smiled sheepishly. “I screamed at him and kicked him out. But he was determined. And came by once a week and we repeated the pattern of that first time. I don’t even know why I let him in, but I did. I didn’t even realise he was forcing me back to the land of the living. He eventually got me out of the house. It took a while but I was healing. Dris is a stubborn bastard.”
“He is.” Regina nodded at the admission. “He did the same to me after…the accident.”
“He did?”
“About a year or so after, when he was still recovering. I don’t know how he knew, but he came by when Spence wasn’t there and tried to get me to talk. Tried to pull me out of my…depression.” Since she had faced it already, Regina could admit at least that much. “He did, but then…” Regina remembered the guilt that ate at her each time she saw him.
“Then?”
“Nothing. He didn’t come by anymore when he saw I was okay.” Regina shrugged. She wouldn’t admit why he’d stopped coming by and possibly why there was the distance between them.
“He’s like that. Good folks but at times you want to strangle him.”
“Yep. That’s him.” Regina chuckled. “You wonder sometimes about his thought process.”
“Yeah. He has a special way of looking at things.” Julianne studied her. “Did my answering your question help?”
Regina shrugged again. She didn’t know if it had, but hearing what Julianne felt made her think of Spencer. Made her think what if the roles were reversed. Would I have blamed Spence? No. She wouldn’t have. Her cell made a beep and Regina lifted it and glanced at the display. She smiled and stood.
“I’m leaving for the day.”
“What? Where are you going?” Julianne rose.
“Playing hooky with my husband. We’re going to an early dinner then to catch a movie at Seaver Drive-in and Bowling.” Regina gathered her briefcase and purse.
“Sound like fun. What movie is showing?” Julianne walked towards the office doorway.
“White Palace.” Regina followed her.
“Ohh…I love that movie,” Julianne said. “Maybe I’ll ask Keenan for us to go see it later.”
“If you do and see one of our vehicles and the windows are steamed, don’t drop by to say hello.” Regina grinned wickedly.
“You hussy.”
“Takes one to know one.” Regina laughed.
“Damn right.” Julianne chuckled and hugged her. “Have fun. Enjoy the moment,” she whispered in her ear.
Regina nodded. She would do exactly that. Whistling, she left to meet Spencer for their date.
* * * *
Regina inhaled deeply as they walked, enjoying the crisp fall day in the first week of November. The sky was already darkening as the night descended earlier this time of year. Spencer’s hand in hers made the time even more special. Soon, they wouldn’t be able to do their nightly walks, since it would get too cold or snowy.
She felt better about her and Spencer having reconnected doing things they loved together. The talk with Julianne had helped a little, but only in the aspect that she realised she did need to enjoy the moments with Spencer. The guilt was still there. Although he hadn’t brought it up again, her revelation of guilt for the loss of their child, causing the death of most of Driscoll’s band mates and almost killing Driscoll had opened up a lot of old wounds. Spencer’s assurance that he didn’t blame her for anything, and that he was sure that Driscoll didn’t either, sounded good in theory. She didn’t believe him since she wasn’t so sure that he knew what Driscoll was feeling about her. She wasn’t the only one who went out of her way to avoid him—Driscoll avoided her too. Spencer’s words about himself were genuine, but she still blamed herself for what happened. After their confrontation, she’d noticed that sometime
s he watched her, but since he hadn’t said anything further, she left it alone. She was just happy and grateful that they were together. Moments like this were precious, and she’d never take them for granted again.
“I love this time of year. The trees changing colours and looking so beautiful.” Spencer stopped, and she along with him, Then he turned her into his arms. “Just like you look every day. I’m so glad to be here with you.”
“Someone is feeling sappy tonight.” She rested her hands on his jacket.
“No man wants to be called sappy.” He winked. “But I know you love it when I am.”
“I do. I love you.” She kissed the underside of his jaw. “Every sappy part of your luscious body.”
“An insult and compliment rolled into one. I’ll take it.” He kissed the tip of her nose.
“Yeah you will.” Regina chuckled. “Oh, before I forget. What time do we need to get to your hockey game on Friday night?”
She was looking forward to watching him play again. They both loved hockey and she loved seeing him as he played. She’d missed that for the last year.
“Three o’clock. I—”
His cell rang, and when he reached for it, she stepped back. She didn’t recognise the ringtone—that was good. At least it wasn’t the hospital.
Spencer looked at the display and a wide grin filled his face as he picked up. “Lila, I was wondering when you would call me back.”
Regina arched an eyebrow. That was the third time she’d heard that name, and she still didn’t know much about the woman who was obviously a friend of Spencer’s. Regina frowned when she recalled this Lila had given Spencer advice about them. She moved a little away to give him the feeling that he had some privacy, but still listened in to his side of the conversation
“I was worried about you. I haven’t seen you since that night.”
Regina glanced at him sharply, wondering what night he was referring to.
Spencer listened for a while then he replied. “You should have called me. I would have gone to the funeral with you.” He paused to listen again. “I know you can take care of yourself.” Then again. “Damn it, Lila. That isn’t what I meant. I just—” Lila lifted her voice, but Regina couldn’t make out what she was saying.
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