"Your parents are a thousand miles away, your boyfriend cheats on you every chance he gets, and your best friend can barely hold her job together. The only reason she's lasted as long as she has is because she's your best friend and I know she needs this job. And because I am fucking reliable, I continue to keep her on my payroll because I know it will make you happy."
He walks across the room until he's standing in front of me and then reaches his hands out. I hold on and lift myself up so I'm no longer on the ground. "Thanks," I whisper softly, trying to lighten the angry atmosphere in the room.
It doesn't work. Noah's not finished yelling at me.
"Who stuck by your side and played the most ridiculous games with you when we were kids, just so you would have someone to play with?"
"I never asked for your pity."
"Who warned you about the douche bags in our small town who wanted down your virginal pants? Who kept your nightmares away by staying up until you went to sleep at every sleepover? Who encouraged you to go to school and follow your dreams of becoming a nurse? Who made sure you were celebrated and loved, and tried to make every goddamn unbirthday special for you?
"Me! It was fucking me!" he shouts. "So don’t tell me I'm unreliable. You were looking at the way I treated the other people in my life. I may have been unreliable to my family, my friends, and the girls I slept with, but never once did you consider looking at the way I've treated you. You and I have always had a different relationship, Skye. We have a special connection, a unique bond, and I have never once been unreliable when it came to you."
As I listen to every word, every example, that comes out of his mouth I know he's right. I've never once looked at it strictly from the way he is with me. He is the most reliable person in my life, and I took it for granted. I threw it all away because I had something different pictured in my head.
I wanted the white picket fence. I wanted the perfect family portrait on the mantel. I had one version of what marriage should be like, which my mom embedded in my head from a young age. I wanted the successful, respectable, rich husband who looked good on paper. I wanted the appearance of being happy as I stayed home and kept the house clean and the kids in line. I wanted to cook every meal and satisfy my husband once the kids went to bed.
That was the picture I had in my head for the longest time, even if in reality I longed to have a career and be a nurse.
The back of Noah's knuckles brush against my cheek and I stare up into his solemn face. "I take it back. There was one time I wasn't one hundred percent there for you. When you dropped out of college. It was the dumbest decision you ever made, Skye. Becoming a nurse was a dream of yours and you threw it all away for a man. I would never ask you to put your dreams aside for me.
"That was the only time I was ever unreliable because I knew you were making a mistake. Caleb wasn’t worth that sacrifice. No man is worth sacrificing your dreams for, and that's when I took a significant step back and watched you from afar.
"You were no longer the girl I grew up with. You were no longer the girl I used to call my best friend and dreamed about spending my life with. You changed. Being with Caleb made you change, so I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry if me taking a step back made you feel like I was unreliable but, Skye, you deserve so much better than what you're getting. He’s a bad person. He's not good for you."
"If he's such a bad person, why are you friends with him? Why did you introduce me to him?"
"I've regretted introducing him to you every day since that night."
I turn my head away from his touch and step back. "It's too late for us, Noah. I...I promised him I'd marry him. He asked me to marry him."
The hurt expressed in his eyes in unbearable to look at. "You told him you'll marry him after you spent last night riding my dick? What the fuck is that, Skye? Do you realize how fucked up that is? Last night you wanted me. You still want me. I know you do."
Closing my eyes to hold back the tears that want to fall, I take a deep breath, preparing myself for what I'm about to say next.
"Last night was a mistake. I should have said no. I was in a bad place and let feelings I had for you when I was a kid cloud my judgment."
His eyes widen as a hurt expression covers his face. "What?" he asks, not believing a word I've said.
"I should have said no last night." I step back and out of his reach. "I should have never come here last night. Sleeping with you was a huge mistake. I should have resisted you. I should have said no."
"God knows you had plenty of opportunities to say no, Skye, but you didn't. You wanted me. You begged me to fuck you. How many times did I make you come?"
"Shut up."
"I lost count after the third time."
"Shut up!" I shout.
"You could have said no each time, but I guess using me to get off was more important. I was better than him, wasn't I? Your body's never been so satisfied."
Why is he being like this? Why is he treating me this way?
"Things would have been a lot simpler if you would have just said no. Now you have to go back across the hall to your fiancé–" he spits the word out, "and pretend like when he fucks you it's the best feeling in the world, when you and I both know you've had better."
Walking around him I make my way over to his front door. I need to get out of here. Coming over was a really bad idea.
"You're right. It would have been simpler if I hadn't come on to you and said no, and I'll regret not stopping what happened between us for the rest of my life."
"I feel bad for you, Skye."
"Don't feel bad for me. I'll be fine."
"You won't be fine because you're still doing it. You're still putting your needs behind his. If you're not willing to bet on yourself, Skye, then no one else will."
"What the hell does that mean? I don't need to bet on myself. I'm betting on a marriage and that's a bet I plan on winning."
"You should get going then," he spits out angrily. "We're done here."
Opening his apartment door I agree. "Yeah, I guess we are."
Chapter Ten
The next month goes by and it's the hardest month I've ever had to endure. The pain ripples through my body like the waves of the ocean and just when I think the water's settled, a new wave of pain hits.
This should be the happiest time of my life. I've transitioned to a new part of adulthood, and it's a part I've looked forward to since I was a little girl. I'm getting married. I should be enjoying prepping and planning all the fun things that go along with getting married, but all I can think about is Noah.
Noah–who has been MIA and I hate admitting that I miss seeing him.
The first week or two after that fight in his apartment, I'll admit I was trying to avoid him. We've never fought like that before and some of the things he said were hard to hear. Soon it became clear that I didn't need to try and avoid him because he was nowhere to be found. He seemed to have disappeared out of Caleb’s life and mine.
It was sad and I missed him. In a way I've felt broken because he took half my heart when he disappeared. I stopped trying to avoid seeing him and actively searched for him, hoping he would be right around the corner somewhere. The only places I didn't go were anywhere related to his company. I didn't want to find him at his place of work, and honestly, Forbidden Desires, Inc. came with bad memories after that night I was attacked.
Searching for him was a giant reminder of why my personal life is a hot mess, but I ignored the signs that something was wrong. I've become good at that lately. I told myself searching for Noah was necessary because I wanted to make sure he was okay. I was just checking up on him, but deep down I knew it was more than that. I lost the person who could pacify these waves and still the water.
When I wasn't trying to locate Noah, I threw myself in wedding planning. Planning a wedding was not at the top of my list of fun ways to spend my free time, but it kept me busy and busy was exactly what I needed or I would do something stupid like hunt Noah down
at his office or Bar Forbidden.
I was the most efficient bride imaginable. It's been four weeks since our engagement and I have the hall booked and the caterer set. I've hired a florist, band, wedding planner, and booked the church. I've even found time to plan an engagement party that Caleb said was necessary to announce our wedding. I found the tradition silly since all of these people would be invited to the wedding. There was no need to celebrate our nuptials twice, but Caleb felt differently. Engagement parties are a tradition in his family and it was also a way for him to show off his blushing soon-to-be bride to his colleagues.
The only thing I hadn't achieved with all this planning is finding a wedding dress. I just can't find the energy to go shopping. I've looked at hundreds of dresses online but nothing looks right. Picking a dress right now doesn't feel right.
Part of me thinks that if I just talk to Noah, I'll feel better and be able to move forward with this chapter in my life, but Noah disappearing on me makes it hard to establish any kind of closure with him. Last night I broke down and cried for what seemed like an unreasonable amount of time. It was another day that had passed without a Hershey's Kiss unbirthday gift from Noah. See when Noah disappeared on me, his kisses left, too. I've looked forward to those kisses since that first day when I was fourteen. Now in my mid-twenties I expect to get one every day, so when they stopped it was like another part of my heart was being torn out.
He's never stopped giving me kisses before.
It was a reminder of how wrong I really was and how badly I treated him. Noah is reliable. He's the most reliable person in my life.
Caleb's been worried about him, too. Noah is his best friend and it seems when Noah decided to avoid me that meant avoiding Caleb as well. Thankfully he isn't suspicious at all, but I know he's hurt that he hasn't been able to celebrate our engagement with his friend. They haven't even talked since that night I spent at Noah's and that changed the dynamic between all of us.
"Let's go out tonight," Caleb says as he walks into our bedroom and finds me sprawled across the bed, staring up at the white ceiling above me.
My eyes flicker over to him and he's already dressed to go out in a pair of crisply ironed jeans and a thin Nike golf sweater. His blond curly hair is manageably styled and he looks excited to leave the apartment.
"Our engagement party is tomorrow, Caleb. It'll be a long, exhausting day and night so I'd like to get some rest tonight and prepare."
Walking over to the bed, he falls down beside me and playfully tickles my sides. "I know but we haven’t been out in a while and I really want to make sure Noah is okay. I'm worried."
"What does Noah have to do with us going out?"
"I thought we could go up to his bar and hang with him."
I lean up onto my forearm so my face is closer to Caleb's. "You can go but I think I'm just going to stay here. Have fun! I hope everything's okay with Noah."
Caleb gets up from the bed and surprises me by grabbing my arms and pulling me up with him. "You're coming with me. You've barely left the house this past month unless it was for work. You've been so busy planning this wedding that you haven't had any fun. You deserve a break and you're going to come with me tonight and relax all the tension away."
Tonight will be anything but relaxing if I go into Bar Forbidden.
"This should be a fun time in our lives, babe–not a stressful time. I'm not taking no for an answer. You're coming out and you're going to have fun."
I want to decline but if I stay in tonight there's a chance he might get suspicious as to why I don't want to go out. Even Kendall says I'm depressing to be around lately so maybe Caleb is right. Maybe I do need a night out. I just wish it were somewhere other than Noah's bar. As much as I want to see him and talk to him, I don’t want to see him when I'm with Caleb. It will be too uncomfortable.
"Can Kendall come, too?" I think it's her night off from the office and having her with me as a buffer seems like a good idea, even if she still has no idea what happened between Noah and me.
"Sure, we can have the cab pick her up on the way."
After texting Kendall that we're going out, I reluctantly go and get ready. I find something to wear that will make me feel confident going into Noah's bar because right now I feel anything but.
***
The music is thumping as one of the city's most in demand DJs spins tonight. Noah has connections all over the city so it's no wonder that his bar gets the top talent and is a hot spot that everyone wants to get into.
We're sitting at a four top in the front of the bar. I know eventually Caleb or Noah will suggest we got back into Club Desire because the atmosphere is more relaxed with the dancing and strippers. Right now they're perfectly content being up here because Noah's over at our table and the two of them are chatting and catching up, while I sit awkwardly on one of the bar stools. Kendall tries to draw me into a conversation but after a few failed attempts she gives up and joins the boys in whatever they seem to be talking about. I wouldn't know. Everything is a garble of sounds right now because I can only focus on one person in the room.
Noah.
He avoids looking at me. He avoids talking to me. It's like I don’t even exist. It's infuriating. He's breathtakingly handsome tonight, but that might just be because I miss seeing him. He's in a black t-shirt and jeans. His beard is freshly trimmed and his eyes call out to me, even though he won't flash them in my direction. My eyes stay trained on him, begging him to look over and acknowledge me, but I get nothing in return.
I knew coming out here was a bad idea.
"So anyways, man, I want you to be my best man."
Why is now, right this moment, the only time my eardrums catch anything that's been said in their conversation? I had no idea Caleb was going to ask Noah to be in the wedding, but that's because my mind hasn't really been on Caleb at all. It's been so focused on Noah. Caleb asking Noah makes perfect sense. They're best friends.
"I can't, man, but thanks for thinking of me."
Noah's rejection has all of us at the table go quiet. Caleb clearly wasn't expecting that answer, and neither was I.
"What do you mean no? Who says no when one of their closest friends is getting married?"
Noah hesitates to answer and because I know him so well I know exactly what's going on in his head. He hadn't thought this through when he said no, so right now he's trying to think of a good enough excuse at getting out of standing up at our wedding.
"I don’t like dressing up, Caleb. You know that. I hate any attention and if I stood up next to you I'd be standing in front of a couple hundred people I don’t know. I'd be uncomfortable and I don't want to put myself in that situation. The entire idea of marriage bothers me anyway. You understand, right?"
That was a good save and believable, too, since Noah isn't much of a people person unless he's in his own element, like the bar or his office.
"You're going to come tomorrow night to the engagement party, though, right? I need you there."
I can tell he wants to say no and turn Caleb down, but if he does, he risks losing that friendship and gaining the suspicions of Caleb so he agrees to come and then the guys walk over to the bar, leaving Kendall and me alone at the table.
"Damn, that was awkward. I can’t believe Noah won’t stand up at your wedding. He was kind of being a douche."
I can't hold it in anymore. I have to tell someone and if anyone will understand it will be Kendall. "I slept with Noah."
I cover my face with my hands–shocked I actually said the words out loud for the first time. Kendall's hands meet mine and she lowers them from my face and we make eye contact.
"You what? When?" She's so calm and her face is filled with understanding instead of judgment. I should have told her earlier. She's exactly what I need.
"The night I read those texts on Caleb's phone."
When I told Kendall I was engaged she wanted to know every detail so I had to tell her about the texts. I just conveniently skipped
over the part where Noah and I made passionate love in his apartment.
Kendall has never been Team Caleb so I knew if I told her about Noah she would be fighting for me to try and make it work with him. She supports me and is happy if I'm happy, but she also made it clear she thought marrying Caleb was a bad idea. Now that I've blurted out sleeping with Noah, I know she'll be against me marrying Caleb.
"That was a month ago! You're just telling me now?"
I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks and I'm sure I'm blushing. "I should have told you, I know that, but I was embarrassed. I still am."
"Awe, Skye." She scoots her stool closer to me and wraps an arm around my back. I rest my head on her shoulder and we're silent as I enjoy the comfort her embrace gives me.
"I just...I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I made so many mistakes that night and then the next day. I knew that if I told you I slept with Noah you wouldn't understand why I'm marrying Caleb.”
“But, sweetie, why are you marrying Caleb? You've harbored feelings for Noah for a long time. I would think after sleeping with him you'd want to explore where it could go."
I lift my head off her shoulder and turn to face her, giving her a meek smile.
"How was he?" she asks and I'm startled by the question.
"I'm not answering that."
"If you're willing to screw up your future by marrying that scumbag, Caleb, then you can at least tell me how the sex was with the man you should be spending the rest of your life with. And before you say anything I'm not sorry for calling Caleb a scumbag, because he is a scumbag and this might be my last night to talk some sense into you so I'm taking advantage."
I take a deep breath and try to process everything she's said. While I should be defending Caleb, I'm focused on something else she said. "I shouldn't be marrying Noah."
"Yeah, okay, Skye, except you should. Everyone knows it, including you and Noah, but you’re naively committed to that other asshole to see it."
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