He looks at me and I unwillingly hold my breath. The moonlight shining through the window illuminates his face, exposing how haunted and desolate he looks, his eyes drained of the light I always find so comforting within them. Time ticks past, minute by minute, and just when I think he’s not going to say anything he opens his mouth.
“I’m so sorry,” he chokes out. Tears stream down his face and I struggle to keep my own feelings in check. It’s my turn to listen, the way he listened when I showed him the parts of my life that weren’t perfect. I scoot closer until our thighs are touching and I wipe his cheeks with my thumbs. His skin is smooth with a bit of stubble.
“Talk to me, please,” I plead, “Trust me with your heart, the way I trust you with mine. Let me help you carry the hurt and pain that makes your heart so broken.”
He wraps his hands around my wrists and kisses each palm before turning to face me completely. He lets my hands go and pulls his fingers through his hair, releasing a shuddering breath.
“That girl, Haley, is my ex-girlfriend. But she was also my sisters’ best friend.” His eyes close as he tries to compose himself before continuing. “Haley and I started dating when we were sophomores in High School. When we got to College, things changed. She became distant and we started seeing less of each other. She even pulled away from my sister.”
My heart constricts when I see the anguish on his face at the mention of his sister and as much as I want to take his hurt away, this is something he has to do on his own.
I remain quiet, attentive, and with another shake breath, he continues. “Eight months into our freshman year, we were at a house party hosted by a mutual friend. Haley and I had been fighting so I wasn’t expecting to see her there. But when I walked into my friends’ bedroom, I interrupted them. Haley was on her knees giving some guy I didn’t even know, a blowjob. I turned around and left but the image still became ingrained in my mind. I broke up with her the same night,” he pauses, rubbing a hand over his tired face. His inner conflict stirs and flashes across his face. “A week later, Emilie was in an accident and Haley just left,” a strangled sob escapes from his mouth.
“You don’t have to tell me any more.” My voice is nothing but a whisper, as small as he probably feels.
He shakes his head. “No, I need to tell you all of it. I haven’t spoken about it in so long…”
I cup his face, connecting my eyes with his. “It’s ok Grayson, take your time. I’m right here.”
His chest heaves with a deep inhalation and he hesitates for a brief second before he decides to tell me the rest. “Emilie was away with friends. She went to a town an hour away and on her last night there they went to a bar. I spoke to her that night and she was so excited because there was a band she couldn’t wait to see. She had a crush on the lead singer and couldn’t wait to watch them perform. At about two am, my phone rang. When I heard a guys’ voice answer me I knew something was wrong. He told me that they were rushing Emilie to the nearest hospital because she was…she was…ra…raped in the alley behind the bar,” he stutters between sobs. “They got in a car accident on the way to the hospital and by the time they got her to the hospital she was…she was dead.”
That’s all it takes for me to wrap my arms around him and hold him while his body shakes. I never would have imagined that this is what he was keeping inside.
“I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” he cries, “And I’ve beaten myself up over it for almost two years because I should’ve been there to protect her. My parents think she was on the way to the hospital because of the accident, I couldn’t bring myself to tell them what happened to her before.”
I stand up and straddle him, wrapping my arms and legs around his big body. The force he uses to hold me crushes me but I don’t really care. His hands grip my back and he squeezes. I feel tears trickle down my own cheeks, and I feel my heart breaking in my chest for what he’s been through. I pull away to look into his sad, lifeless eyes. I recognize his pain. I know how he feels.
“It’s not your fault. There was nothing you could’ve done. You couldn’t save her and the only way you will heal is if you let go of your guilt. Emilie would want you to keep living, because she no longer can.”
“Tell me how,” he breathes. “Tell me how to let go when I feel like I let her down.”
I bring my forehead down to his. “Forgive yourself,” I whisper. “Let it go, one breath at a time.”
Grayson stands up, with me still wrapped around him, and carries me to bed effortlessly. He lays us both down and I feel the tension leaves his body. I push my fingers through his hair and rub circles on his back, comforting him the best way I know how.
“I love you,” he murmurs quietly.
I place a gentle kiss on his wet, salty lips and pour all my love into him. “I love you too. Always.”
His breathing slows and our chests move in unison. I close my heavy eyes and fall asleep, never letting go of Grayson.
Chapter 22
~ Grayson ~
Telling Huntley about my sister was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Very few people know the truth about that night, and retelling the nightmare was almost like living through it a second time. In many ways it felt good to let go of the memories that have been plaguing me for almost two years. Something about telling Huntley feels right though, since we’re approaching the second anniversary of Emilie’s death.
I look down at Huntley’s sleeping body curled into mine and I wonder what I did to deserve her. She saw me at my worst, and I expected her to run. I probably would have if I were her. But then again my beautiful girl never does anything I expect. I was completely taken aback by her response. She didn’t pity me, or tell me things will get better, like most people would in that situation. Instead, she listened to me, comforted me and in the end, loved me. In my weakest moment, she wrapped herself around me, allowing her inner strength to soak into me, making it my strength too.
I also felt like a complete asshole for speaking to her the way I did. Accusing her of having something going on with her ex-boyfriend after everything he put her through was uncalled for, and I have no excuse for that, but seeing Haley outside the bar for the first time since my sisters’ death completely fucked with my head. When all my inner rage towards Haley and what she did surfaced, I couldn’t stop it. I ended up taking it out on Huntley, because she was the closest to me. She surprised me again when she didn’t hold that against me.
Getting out of bed, I see that the clock on Huntley’s bedside table reads six am. She’ll be getting up soon. I slip out of bed and make my way to her kitchen, deciding I want to do something nice after all the shit I unloaded on her last night. She loves omelets, so I take some eggs and milk from the fridge and start mixing everything. When that’s done, I cut up some tomatoes and grate some cheese, adding it to the omelet. Next, I take some bacon out and fry it until it’s crispy. I pour some orange juice and place everything on a tray.
I walk back down the hallway, tray in hand. When I open the door, Huntley’s sitting up against her headboard. Her hair is a mess, and she looks like she literally just woke up. My eyes peruse her body, noting that at some point during the night she slipped my shirt on. Damn if she doesn’t look sexy in my shirt. It looks better on her than it does on me.
“G’morning.” Her voice is raspy, still thick with sleep. She watches me carefully, like I’m a ticking time bomb waiting to implode.
“Mornin’.” I shuffle on my bare feet, unsure of how to do this. I have a lot to make up for and suddenly I’m worried she’ll have the chance to get angry with me.
“What you got there?” she asks. There’s no hint of anger in her voice, only curiosity.
I walk over to her side of the bed and sit down, placing the tray on her lap. “I made you some breakfast. Cheese and tomato omelet with crispy bacon on the side. Your favorite.”
Huntley’s mouth shifts and she tries to hide the smile tugging at her lips. “What did I do to deserv
e this?” she asks sweetly.
I run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize for last night.”
Her face falls slightly and she pulls her plump bottom lip between her teeth, nibbling it. It’s a nervous habit of hers. When she doesn’t speak I attempt to break the awkward silence. “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said those things or yelled at you.”
Her bottom lip quivers and my heart plummets into my stomach. I wipe away a stray tear that rolls down her cheek. “I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t mean it.”
“I’m not angry with you,” she whispers. “But what you said really hurt me. I would never cheat on you, because I know what it feels like to be betrayed. And I love you too much to lose you.”
Wrapping my fingers behind her neck, I lean in and press our foreheads together. “I don’t want to lose you either,” I breathe. I take a minute to think about how to word the question that’s weighing on my mind. How I talk to her about this could possibly undo the tiny bit of progress I think we just made. I swallow hard and look into the depths of her clear, blue eyes. “Are you sure it was Jake’s car you saw yesterday?”
She nods. “I know the plates.”
“Has he contacted you since you left home?”
“No, I didn’t tell him I was leaving. I just left. I changed my number,” she pauses and I can see the wheels turning in her pretty little head. “Wait, that night you guys found me in my apartment a while ago and you kicked my door in, I got a call from my ex best friend, Taylor. I have no idea how she got my new number. Do you think that’s how he found me?”
“It’s possible. Do you have any idea why he would come here after all this time?”
She fiddles with her fingers. Her nervous energy is rolling off her in waves. “No, but I’m scared. We didn’t exactly end on good terms. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I see him.”
My mind starts conjuring up ways to keep Huntley out of public until we can confirm what her douchebag ex is doing here. There’s no way in hell I’m letting the fucker get close to her. I’ve never met the guy but I hate him.
“Do you have classes today?”
She eyes me cautiously. “No, I have to study. Why?”
“I want you to be careful until we can find out why Jake” – even saying his name makes me want to break his face – “is here.”
I move the tray towards her, “Eat your food before it gets cold.”
Huntley chuckles and the sound defuses the tense atmosphere slightly. “You’re so bossy.”
Placing my finger under her chin, I tilt her head up so that she can see how serious I am. “Just promise me you’ll be careful when you go out ok?”
“I promise,” she pauses, “Now can I please eat?”
“Yes, please do. I didn’t slave away just so that you can stare at it,” I quip, trying to be playful. She swats my arm and then starts eating her omelet.
“This is so good,” she moans around a bite. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was.”
I watch in mild amusement as she finishes every last bite, surprised when the plate is empty. It’s the first time I’ve seen Huntley eat an entire meal without leaving something on her plate. But now that I think about it, she has been eating more than usual. I dismiss the thought quickly though, chalking it up to it being hormonal.
“That was delicious,” she stretches and puts the tray on the floor. Scooting closer to me, her tongue whips out and swipes her lips. Our eyes collide and Huntley’s crawling into my lap.
“I’ve been thinking,” she whispers, licking my neck. Even in a troubled mood, my body responds and I harden beneath my sweat pants.
“Oh no, that’s never a good thing,” I tease. My hands grip Huntley’s hips and slide down to cup her butt. She pushes down into my lap and bites my shoulder. Holy Fuck. Her hips move, side to side, up and down.
She’s doing it on purpose.
“Ok, ok,” I breathe heavily. “Tell me what you were thinking.”
“I hear make-up sex is the best kind,” she breathes into my ear and nibbles on my ear lobe. I swallow hard.
“We’ll have to test that theory,” I stop her hips before I explode. “Tonight.”
She pouts and I pull her bottom lip into my mouth. I nibble it lightly and then lick it. “I have to go to class.”
“Ok,” she smiles at me, “I’ll just have to have a date with my B.O.B in the shower then. Picture that while you’re in your Business Finance class later.”
She hops off my lap and I gape at her back while she walks into the bathroom. “That’s not fair,” I grunt. “You’ll pay for that.”
I hear her laugh before the shower turns on. I need to get out of here before I give in and join her. I dress quickly and give Huntley a good-bye kiss before grabbing my bag and walking to campus. Last night still weighs on my mind and only adds to my mounting irritation. I can’t even begin to process everything.
After my first class ends, I have an hour off before my next so I make a stop at the coffee shop. My mood is in need of a boost and a caffeine induced pick-me-up sounds perfect. I order a coffee with an extra shot of espresso and cream and take a set at a table by the window. The people walking past all fascinate me and provide a temporary distraction from the chaos in my head.
A book slams onto the table. I’m so distracted that I almost jump and spill what’s left of my coffee. Brody sits down, grinning. Jackass.
“Someone’s a little jumpy today,” he remarks, sans greeting.
“Sorry,” I grumble, “Rough night.”
I flag down the waitress and order another coffee. “How’s Demi?”
Brody exhales. “She’s fine. Last night was about ten shades of fucked up. I wanted to break something when I watched Demi hug Tommy. We fought about it on the way home, but that ended up being the best angry-hate sex of my life.”
“Whoa, that’s too much information bro,” I groan.
“Oh please, don’t be such a wuss,” Brody chides. “How’s Huntley? Did you guys talk last night after we saw Haley at the bar?”
I rub my hand down my face, suddenly feeling beyond exhausted. “She’s ok, I think. We spoke about a lot of things and I was a total asshole.”
Brody frowns at me. “What happened?”
“I accused her of cheating.” I berate myself all over again. Hearing it from my mouth makes me realize how ridiculous it really sounds.
His eyebrows shoot up and he lets out a low whistle. “Why would you do that?”
“We saw her ex’s car in the parking lot yesterday, and after seeing Haley last night I lost it. I told her about Emilie.”
“That’s huge,” Brody exhales. “How did she react?”
“She surprised me in every way. I expected her to run like hell after I told her everything about my past, but she just listened and when I woke up this morning she was still there.” Her ability to forgive me, after being the worlds’ biggest douchebag, has me completely stumped.
Brody looks away thoughtfully for a moment and then turns his discerning gaze back on to me. “Gray, you have to realize she’s not Haley. If she chooses to stick around even after hearing about all the shit that has messed you up then that should tell you something.”
I stare at my best friend in bemusement. “I’ve never heard you say something so,” I pause, searching for the right word. “Insightful.”
He laughs, “Screw you!”
“Should I phone Demi and thank her?” I joke.
His expression changes and I see it. I see the love and adoration he has for Demi written all over his face, and he does nothing to hide it. “What can I say,” he smiles, “I’ve found the girl who puts up with my shit constantly, and still loves me anyway. We fight about the dumbest things and she pushes every one of my damn buttons. But when I think about what my life would be like without her, it kills me. I can’t do it.”
This time I’m speechless. My only response to what he said is understanding. Because I get it.
** ** ** ** **
I spend the rest of the day trapped in my own thoughts. My lack of focus doesn’t go unnoticed during football practice and I decide to leave early. I contemplate going back to my place instead of Huntley’s, recognizing my need for some space. But before I know what I’m doing, I’m walking into Huntley’s apartment. I can’t stand the idea of being away from her, not for a single night. It’s unhealthy to need someone so much but I right now I don’t care. My need to be near her, to feel her, to hold her, overshadows everything else.
Huntley’s apartment is quiet. Usually she’ll be playing her guitar or listening to music, but when I walk into her bedroom, she’s curled up and fast asleep. I quietly undress and decide to take a shower. The hot water and steam relax my body and the tension in my muscles fades. My mind goes blank and I take a chance to enjoy the respite from the mental punishment I inflicted on myself all day.
I don’t hear the bathroom door open, or the shower door. But I feel her. Her hands snake around my waist and her fingers trace every groove in my abdomen. My breathing deepens, like I’m breathing her in. Maybe I am. I turn around slowly, stopping when our bare chests are crushed together. The way she’s looking at me makes me want to cry, because I don’t deserve it. It sears my soul and leaves an imprint of her that will never go away. The mark she’s left on me is invisible, but no less permanent than if it was a tattoo. I feel her nipples pebble and my cock hardens, and as much as I want to make love to her right here in this shower, the way we’re touching now is more than I can handle. How we’re looking at each other is more than I can handle.
“Are you ok?” she whispers. Her sweet voice crawls over my skin and embeds itself into my memory. I will subconsciously compare every voice to hers and then won’t be surprised when they come up short.
I shake my head no and lower my head down to hers until our lips touch. Hers are soft and wet from the water. They move with mine and she opens up to me completely when my tongue swipes her bottom lip delicately. When her nails dig into my shoulder muscles, pulling us until we’re one body, I shiver. My hands slide down her back until they come to rest on her hips and I feel her suck in a breath when my hard length pulses between our bellies. My mouth leaves hers, soliciting a whimper when I lick down her neck. I suck and nibble until we’re both shaking. I rest my forehead on her shoulder and wait for my breathing to even out. The last thing I want Huntley to think is that sex will ‘fix’ all the cracks inside me. Only her love will do that.
Beneath Your Beautiful Page 19