by Monica Cole
“Much better.” She grins and turns me around to face the mirror.
My curls that were much tighter before now look untamed and wavy, like I just rolled out of bed and have that ‘I don’t care’ kind of look.
“You look like sex.” Whitney beams, and I feel my face flush. She giggles and takes my hand. “Canyon’s eyes are gunna bug out when he sees you.”
My cheeks are on fire, because now I’ve done the unthinkable. Not only have I thought about kissing Canyon, now my mind is tainted with the idea of having sex with him. Our friendship is going to hell. When we’re back in the gym, we make our way over to Canyon and Nash. Nash is talking animatedly with his hands, and Canyon looks bored as hell. But then he looks over his shoulder and the entire world stops. His eyes land on me and Whitney was right. His eyes get the slightest bit wider and his mouth is agape. My heart starts racing the closer we get and then I’m right beside him. Whitney grabs Nash’s hand and disappears. I wish she would’ve stayed because I’m scared the look in Canyon’s eyes is about to swallow me alive.
“Whitney fixed my hair,” I say lamely.
Canyon’s mouth twitches as he steps closer.” I like it.” He reaches up and tugs on a strand before tucking it behind my ear.
“You ready to dance?”
I shake my head and step back. “No. I told you. No dancing.”
“But this is prom. You need to dance at least once.”
“I don’t want to dance, Canyon. You already dragged me here, bought me a dress, and made me take pictures. If you want to dance, I’m sure there are plenty of girls willing to oblige.”
I retreat back but he matches my step, grabbing the front of my dress to pull me to him. “I don’t want to dance with anyone else,” he says, sliding his hands around my waist. His fingers press into the bare skin at my lower back, sending my body into a frenzy. “Please dance with me,” he begs in a husky voice that does wicked things to my heart. I want to tell him no. But I can’t.
His hands move lower, to my hips.
“Okay.” I breathe and I’m not sure if he hears me because I barely hear it myself. He grins and keeping his hand on my dress, pulls me along until we’re on the outside of the dance floor.
“We have to take this slow.” I tell him as he places his hands back on my waist. He doesn’t look like he’s listening, so I wave my hand in his face. “Canyon. Seriously. We need to take this slow because I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t want to look like an idiot.”
He looks at me. “You won’t look like an idiot. I promise.”
He licks his lips and steps closer, fingers tightening on my waist. “I’ve been waiting to do this all night,” he whispers, and I’m surprised how much those words have an effect on me. I restrain a shiver as he bends his head close to my ear. “Put your arms around my neck,” he instructs. His voice is deep, and my arms tremble as I tentatively link them around his neck. There’s a fraction of space between us, but it vanishes as soon as Canyon sways his hips and crushes our bodies together. I take a deep breath and stare at his chest. We aren’t even moving yet, and I’m already panicking.
“You’re doing great,” Canyon says. He’s leaning back so all I can see are his brown eyes glimmering in the overhead lights.
“What are you talking about? We aren’t even dancing.” I glance around the room. Everyone around us is slow dancing, looking so natural and relaxed, but I’m coiled up so tight I’m about to explode.
Canyon sighs and takes my chin between his fingers. “You’re overthinking it, Elle. So turn off your mind and forget there’s anyone else around. We can dance however we want. Just pretend it’s you and me.”
He doesn’t give me a chance to reply before his hands are back on me. His hips bump against mine, stirring up things in my body I don’t think I fully understand. Things I know I shouldn’t be feeling but it’s impossible not to. Whether I admit it or not, there’s something between me and Canyon. Something that I fight every day because I’m not sure it’s worth losing our friendship over. But sometimes I wonder if it is. I wonder if it would be worth taking that risk with him or if we’d just ruin a good thing. I don’t want to ruin what Canyon and I have, but I also don’t want this to be another fleeting moment of what if’s that will haunt me until the day I die.
“You’re thinking.”
I look up and Canyon is studying me. I know how easily he can read me, so I hope my face isn’t giving anything away.
“I’m thinking about how dumb we look right now.” I lie. It’s kind of true though. We still aren’t moving and the first song is already over.
Canyon rolls his lips together and looks around. “Are you saying you’re ready to dance then?”
“That’s not what I said.”
He drags me closer, subtly grinding our hips together. “I told you. We’ll go slow.”
His hands drift to the swell of my hips, and he grinds against me again. It’s so subdued, like he’s not even meaning to, but then he does it again, hands gripping me tighter, and I know every move, every touch is intentional. There’s so much protest left in me, but I can’t find the words. So I let Canyon have his way, because even if I’m miserable, I want to see him happy. We fall into a slow but steady rhythm. He leads and I try to follow, matching his movements until I finally feel like I’m getting the hang of it.
“See, not so bad, huh?” Canyon grins lazily, his face inches above mine.
“I guess not.” I say. “But I don’t really consider this dancing.” Without thinking I thread my fingers through his hair. I’ve never touched his hair before but man, it’s soft. I press my fingertips into his scalp and he tenses. His fingers dig into my skin and his eyes flash to my mouth. The song is about to end but unlike a few minutes ago, I don’t want this moment to stop. Something inside me sparks. And I know what comes next. Fireworks. Electricity. All the things I’m supposed to feel with a boy. All the things I shouldn’t feel with this one. My eyes flicker around aimlessly but end up back on his face. His eyes. One of his hands leaves my waist and I feel it curve around the back of my neck, threading through my hair. I need to walk away because in about two seconds, I know I won’t be able to. But those two seconds are gone in a heartbeat and all freewill is out the door. My heart is in control now, and it knows what it wants. Canyon guides my head back, cradling it in his hands. His forehead bumps against mine and his hand is keeping our bodies pressed together. His eyes are closed and I wonder what’s stopping him. There’s no doubt in my mind he wants to kiss me, so why isn’t he? I tighten my hands in his hair and his mouth falls open and at that moment, something possesses me. Something I’ve kept caged in way too long. I let my mouth graze his before kissing him fully. His lips are…I don’t even know what they are. Perfect? Yea, definitely perfect. I’m instantly disappointed that I haven’t kissed him before now because damn… His lips.
Canyon is being way too still. Actually, he isn’t kissing me at all, and I’m not sure why. I reluctantly pull away. His eyes are still closed, but when he opens them, I know it isn’t good. I try to inhale, but my lungs hurt and my throat is restricted. I know I just screwed things up.
“Elle. Wait.” His voice is full of regret. Full of sadness. Full of shit. I hate his voice right now. I hate that he didn’t kiss me.
I’m already pulling away and when he tries to stop me, I shove him back. He stumbles and a few people stop dancing to look at us. I’m embarrassed and confused and just want to get out of here. I don’t know why I thought kissing him was a good idea. I knew it would change things. I knew it would screw them up. I hurry out of the gym and duck into one of the empty classrooms. I could walk home, but I just need to sit down for a minute. Figure out what I’m going to do about this. I kissed him. So stupid. But I could’ve sworn he wanted the same thing. Not just now but a million other times that flash through my mind. This isn’t just me. But maybe it is. I mean, obviously, since he didn’t kiss me.
“Elle.”
; The door swings open and slams shut, making me jolt where I’m sitting on the teacher’s desk. Canyon looks like a shadow, lit up by the light streaming through the small window in the door.
“Go away, Canyon,” I say, trying to keep the tears at bay. I don’t want to cry in front of him. Over this. Over him.
He moves across the room until he’s standing in front of me. He touches my cheek, but I lean away and he drops his arm to his side.
“I need you to leave me alone,” I say, my voice cracking slightly. “I screwed up, and I don’t want to talk about.”
He reaches for my face again, but this time captures it between both hands. “Elle. Look at me.”
I keep staring at his tie.
“Jesus, Elle, look at me!” He’s yelling now, and it scares me because he’s never yelled at me before. He exhales and drops my face then turns around and drags his hands through his hair.
“You didn’t screw up,” he says facing me.
I look up. He seems honest but I’m not sure I believe him. “Why didn’t you kiss me back then? If I didn’t screw up, then why did you act like me kissing you was the most horrible thing to ever happen to you and then let me walk away?”
“I didn’t…It wasn’t horrible. And I’m sorry I let you walk away but you kind of ran off.”
“Because I was mortified! I kiss you in front of the entire school and you just….stood there. How was I supposed to react?”
“I don’t know.” He paces the room, his hands crossed behind his head. “I’m sorry.”
“That I kissed you?”
He shakes his head. “No. Will you stop thinking that?”
I slam a stapler down on the desk. “What am I supposed to think? You’re standing here telling me it wasn’t a mistake. And now you’re apologizing for me kissing you like it was a mistake. So I’m sorry if I don’t understand. You’re not being very clear about how you feel right now.”
Before I have a chance to blink, Canyon is across the room. He grabs my hips and in one swift motion pulls me to the edge of the desk and then his mouth is on mine. I gasp, frozen in place. He’s kissing me. He’s kissing me like everything he has depends on it, and I’m dizzy with the intensity of it. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer, opening my legs so he falls between them. He drags me until my butt is almost hanging off the desk, and then kisses a path down my neck to the hollow of my throat.
“Definitely not a mistake.” He murmurs against my skin. He tangles his fingers in my hair and pulls my head back, exposing my neck. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since the second I laid eyes on you.” He kisses up my neck and I grip the edge of the desk, my eyes falling closed. “I feel really stupid for waiting.”
He lowers my head and kisses me again, sweeping his tongue into my mouth. When he finally pulls away we’re breathing hard and then it hits me. That was my first real kiss. And it was with Canyon. Holy crap my first kiss was incredible.
“Elle.” I look up. His pupils are huge and his lips are swollen, and I’m already dying to kiss him again. “I’m sorry for hesitating out there. I’ve seriously wanted to kiss you for so long, I didn’t believe it was actually happening.” He runs his thumbs along my cheeks. “I don’t know what the hell is going on between us but I want it. Whatever it is. I’m tired of just being friends. I’ve wanted more than that for a long time.”
“Me too,” I say. “I’m scared though. I don’t want to mess things up between us.”
“I am too. That’s why I’ve waited this long. But now that I know you want the same thing, it makes me feel like we can make this work.” He lifts my face and looks me in the eyes. “There’s been something between us for a long time, Elle. I’ve felt it and I know you have too. I don’t think we were ever meant to be just friends. I think we’ve been fighting the inevitable. I don’t want to do that anymore. And I’m willing to give this a shot if you are.”
I realize he’s giving me a choice, but I don’t need to think about it. I’ve thought about it enough for the last eight months and there’s not a doubt in my mind that this is what I want. I want Canyon. I always have.
“I think I can agree with that.” I say.
Canyon bites his lips, restraining a smile. He leans in until his mouth is touching mine. “Good. Because I really need to kiss you again.”
He presses his lips to mine but this kiss is different. It’s soft and purposeful, a kiss I know I’m supposed to feel through every inch of my soul. He’s touching all of me, every part, good and bad, broken and whole and when he’s done, I know I’ll only ever belong to him.
Chapter Fifteen
The Fourth of July is a huge deal in Alden. Every year there’s a parade that runs through town, followed by a small fair and fireworks show at the end of the night. I’m not sure how the tradition started, but it’s been around for well over fifty years. Mom, Parker, and I used to go every year, but once Parker left for college and my relationship with mom started going downhill, we quit going. The last time I went was with Whitney the summer before our junior year. A lot has changed since then, but as I walk through the fairgrounds with Parker, Whitney, and Clark Benson, laughing and feeling sick from the funnel cake I just devoured, it almost feels like I’m that same carefree girl I was four years ago. And that’s something I don’t mind enjoying, if just for a little while. Right now, I need that distraction. Which is why I’m glad Whitney invited me and Parker along. Otherwise I would’ve been stuck doing what I’ve done every night this week; watching Netflix while elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos. I know Parker has been dying to get out of the house too. He hasn’t left since he came home from the hospital, and I can tell it’s driving him crazy. Almost as crazy as I feel not knowing why he was in the hospital to begin with.
We still haven’t talked about it, but Parker has assured me multiple times that he’s fine. When I asked him about the test results, he said they all came back normal, and the medication Dr. Beckett prescribed him should help with the dizzy spells he’s been having. But as much as I want to believe him, I have this feeling he’s keeping something from me. That there’s more than what he’s telling me. It’s frustrating to think he might be lying. Who knows, maybe I’m assuming things, and he’s actually okay which is what I want. For everything to be okay. But here I am, thinking the worst, when I should be thankful Parker is home and in perfectly good health. Just like he said.
We’ve just finished playing a game of skee ball and are heading to a small stage where a country band is playing when Whitney starts hopping up and down.
“Oh, who wants cotton candy?” She asks excitedly. I groan, unable to stomach the thought of anymore junk food.
“I’ll go get you one, babe.” Clark leans over and places a kiss on Whitney’s cheek, making her blush the color of the pink cotton candy he saunters off to buy her. Apparently she and Clark are dating now and from what she’s told me, it’s more than just a summer fling. I’m happy for her. Clark’s a nice guy, and she’s had a crush on him since they played seven minutes in heaven at his birthday party years ago. Clark returns with Whitney’s cotton candy then falls in place beside Parker as we keep walking.
“So, don’t get mad, but I thought Canyon would be here tonight.” She pulls a glob of sugar out of the bag and stuffs it in her mouth, eyeing me carefully. “Is everything okay between you two?”
“I don’t know. No. Maybe.” I absentmindedly reach over and take some of her cotton candy but gag once it’s in my mouth.
“Okay, can you be a little less vague?”
“I honestly don’t know. The last time we saw each other we got in a fight. At least I think it was a fight. I was mad. He was mad. We haven’t talked to each other since.”
She pulls her blonde hair over her shoulder, and I already know what she’s going to ask. “What were you fighting about?”
I take my eyes off the ground long enough to make sure Parker and Clark aren’t within earshot. “We kissed,” I admit softly, ignoring that her face
lights up because it’s not what she’s thinking. “We kissed twice actually, and it was a complete disaster. He wanted me to tell him how I feel but I couldn’t because I don’t know how I feel. I mean, I do know how I feel, but I shouldn’t feel it. I shouldn’t still have feelings for him. Just because there’s still something between us doesn’t mean I have to act on it.”
“Sounds like your body has other ideas,” she points out, not sarcastically, just truthfully.
I sigh, kicking up dirt and rocks underneath the dead grass. “I know. It was stupid. I crossed the line and I shouldn’t have, but it’s so hard to think straight when I’m around him. You were there the night he broke my heart, and he just expects me to forget it ever happened. That he’s still keeping secrets. He wants us to move on, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that if he still can’t be honest with me.”
Whitney tosses her empty bag in a nearby trashcan and presses her lips together thoughtfully. Parker and Clark are up ahead, standing at the back of the crowd, listening to the band. We hang back by a concession booth where it’s semi-quieter.
“I really don’t know what to tell you, Elaine.” Her green eyes search my face, her lips quirked up in defeat. “Clearly the two of you still have feelings for each other, but I agree with you. If Canyon wants to put the past in the past, he needs to be honest with you. But that also goes for you too. You can’t keep running from your feelings. Honesty isn’t one sided. And yea, he lied, is lying, but you’ve got to forgive him for that at some point. Maybe once he knows you have, it will be easier for him to open up.”
I cross my arms and stare off at nothing in particular, considering everything she said. I want to forgive Canyon. I really do. But he hurt me and the thought of having to forgive him before I even know what I’m forgiving him for seems unfair. Maybe I’m acting like a child but I don’t care. I’m stubborn. It’s one of my worst traits. Probably the reason I’m still not over this. But who really gets over their first love, especially when that love was their last? When that love infiltrated every aspect of their being and recreated an entirely new purpose for being alive. And I sure as hell want to know who gets over having their heart noosed with a lie and then forgives the person who kicked the chair out from underneath it. That’s what makes this impossible. That’s what makes this hard.