All About Hope

by Ashley Erin

  I miss the feeling of succumbing. Of being at the mercy of my lover and knowing he will always look after my needs. My overactive brain needs that release. I don’t doubt that if I allowed him to, Alex would take care of me. However, I also know that giving in to that instinct, that desire, makes my heart vulnerable to him in a way I feel protected against right now.

  Being with Alex is a risk, opening up to him is a risk, because my heart already wants to fall. I can feel it in the way it picks up whenever he’s near. I can feel it in the way I not only crave being with him physically, but the way I crave of being with him in every way.

  That’s why I can’t succumb, that surrender means my heart is there for the taking, and he doesn’t want it.

  Slipping my phone into my back pocket without responding to Alex, I move about the kitchen helping Emma get everything ready. She’s distractedly humming to herself, daydreaming about Dane no doubt, and her whisk is no longer moving.

  “Em, I think those eggs are ready.” Looking over her shoulder, I chuckle as she starts.

  She laughs at herself ruefully. “Wow, I zoned out there. Dane was talking in his sleep last night. He was mumbling something about too much tulle.” She chews on her cheeks, her lips pulling up into a smile. “I didn’t even know he knows what tulle is.”

  “Hilarious.” Chuckling, I hand the freshly sliced bread I baked yesterday over to her. “So, when did Dane start talking in his sleep? I need dirt that I can bribe him with.”

  She shakes her head at me, grinning. “I’ve only heard him talk in his sleep a couple of times, and it’s usually only a few words.”

  “Darn. I’ve been trying to think of new ways to torture him.” Emma just rolls her eyes as she turns on the stove, smiling indulgently. “What? It’s my job, as his sister, to be a thorn in his side and I take it very seriously.”

  We finish preparing breakfast, laughing and chatting about everything that has happened over the past year, before moving on to the yearlings and all the different names we’ve been tossing around. “I still can’t believe Ryan named his colt Hoover. That poor horse is going to grow up with a complex.”

  The door to the kitchen swings open interrupting our giggles and the guys all file in, eyes locked on the food covering the table. Dane bee lines over to Emma, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his forehead to hers. They look at each other, silently holding a conversation and the green eyed monster stirs in my gut once again as I glance at Alex out of the corner of my eye. When I see them together it makes my heart want things my head won’t even consider.

  No, this is what I want. No strings, just sex.

  Ryan and Jesse sit in their spots, piling food on their plates, blissfully ignorant to everything going on around them. Alex winks at me and the momentary lapse dissipates as I remember his text, his promise from earlier. It is incredible how one look, one smile from him can calm my doubts. Graham never had that effect on me, there was always some unease hidden deep inside, my gut telling me to be careful.

  Dropping into the chair next to Alex, I discreetly run my finger down his thigh before returning my hand to the table top.

  “I bet Samson was pretty pissed at being removed from his girls.” Chuckling as he grins down at me, I load my plate with a slice of French toast, strawberries, and homemade whipped cream. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, and I love to get creative with traditional recipes. I have had stuffed French toast made with cream cheese, but I created my own stuffing from marshmallow whip and Nutella. It’s to die for.

  “We have a bet going on how many days will pass until he’s back in there.” Alex reaches under the table, gripping my thigh when I let out a moan as I chew. Leaning in, he whispers, “You better stop making that noise, or our secret won’t be a secret anymore.”

  Swallowing hard, I clench my legs together and resist the temptation to let out another moan.

  “So, Alex . . .” Everyone looks over at Emma. “Instead of moving off the property, why don’t you move in here? Lia already said it’s okay.”

  I can feel Alex’s surprised gaze on my face, reading my reaction. I just turn to him and smile. “There is an empty room.”

  Sighing with relief as I shut down the website I’ve finally finished, I remove my glasses, close my eyes and lean my head back onto the couch cushion. Massaging my temples as I will away the pain that has been slowly building. Focusing my mind, I relax the creases in my forehead to help alleviate the ache.

  This client has been a pain in my ass, but my headache stems from the bomb dropped on me at breakfast. Moving in with Lia, that’s not string free. That creates a stringy mess, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

  “You okay?” Emma nudges me with her toe as she looks up from writing. Despite the faraway look in her eyes she always gets when she is completely focused on a story, she’s clearly been paying attention to my suffering.

  “Headache. This client has contacted me no less than five times to change her site. I want her to be happy, but good lord! She tells me she wants one thing and then changes her mind after I already made the changes. This time I think I finally have it right.” Opening my eyes, I smile at Emma. “How’s the book coming?”

  My distraction works, her eyes lighting up.

  “I actually just finished my rough draft. I’ve found that things have been flowing a lot more smoothly lately. My rides with Serenity and Belle have been better, I’m being more productive with work, and the nightmares have completely stopped.”

  “Good. I am so proud of you.” Sitting up, I lean forward and kiss the top of her head. “I’m going to take a break. Do you want to go for a ride?” Emma grins at me, her eyes lighting up in excitement.

  “Always. I still can’t get over how excited I am that you’re riding and enjoying it!” Pulling her up from the couch, I laugh as she bounces around the room in excitement.

  “I know. I kind of regret my resistance, but with practice and your lessons, I think I’m getting pretty good.” I don’t mention that Lia has also given me pointers. Somehow my mind always circles back to her. She is everywhere on this ranch, her influence apparent in the way things are built or done.

  Chloe bounds into the room, barking playfully as Emma spins in a circle, whooping about being right. The change in her from when she first moved back here to now still blows my mind. The shadows are gone from under her eyes, she has put on some healthy weight and when she smiles it actually reaches her eyes.

  My phone vibrates as we’re stepping onto the porch.

  Lia: I’m wearing my cowboy boots and hat, the clinic is empty, and I believe we have some unfinished business.

  Hot damn. This woman keeps me on my toes and never ceases to surprise me.

  “Ready?” Emma looks at me expectantly. Fuck. How can I ditch my best friend for a booty call? Oh God though, the mental picture of Lia in just her hat and boots has me semi-erect, a fantasy come true.

  “I just got a text from a client, I need to deal with this. I’m sorry.” The lie falls easily from my lips, something that has never happened with Emma before.

  “Okay. Maybe I will saddle up Serenity and go find Dane. Surprise him with a picnic.” Emma’s eyes light up, relieving me of the guilt I feel for ditching her.

  This endeavor isn’t supposed to interfere with my life, but I find myself craving more of Lia than I anticipated. Thankfully we’re both on the same page and it’s working for us, we agreed it wouldn’t continue if it started to impact our ability to maintain a friendship if it ended and so far it’s been the perfect arrangement.

  I step inside the house, and wait for Emma to finish with Serenity. She takes her sweet ass time, so instead of saddling up Chandler, like I want, I grab one of the ATV’s from the shed.

  The ride to Lia’s clinic seems to take forever, my usual excitement of driving the quad diminished by my need to bury myself in Lia. The trees blur as I speed up, finally seeing the clearing in the distance.

  The magnitude of Lia
’s clinic never fails to take my breath away. Parking the quad, I glance inside the open door to the barn portion. A grin spreads across my face when I remember making use of one of those stalls two days ago. My ass still has a little bit of hay burn.

  Stepping into her office, I turn down the hall towards her living quarters. It’s a simple layout with a tiny sitting area and kitchen, a small hallway that leads to a bathroom and a small bedroom where she can spend the night when new or severe cases come in. It has proven to be useful in the past couple of weeks. The bed is massive, with a wrought iron bed frame that has come in handy on several occasions.

  Taking a deep breath, I barge in the door, skidding to a stop as I look at Lia laying on the bed in her boots, panties, bra and her cowboy hat. Her hazel eyes glimmer with lust as she watches me shut the door, locking it with a resounding click.

  I take my time, caressing her with my gaze as I look at every inch of her. She’s incredibly beautiful, with her curves, creamy skin, and luscious hair.

  Stalking over to her, I groan as she grazes her hand over her hip and up her stomach, her fingers teasing her nipple. Every movement is a taunt.

  Pulling my shirt over my head, I growl as she sits up and kneels on the foot of the bed. Lia smirks as she grabs my neck, kissing me fiercely while working the button on my jeans.

  “What took you so long?” She grumbles at me as she frees my cock from the confines of my boxer briefs.

  “I had to wait for Emma to leave.” Sucking her lobe into my mouth, I bite down as she teases the tip of my dick with her thumb.

  Sliding my hands down her back, I grumble when she backs away before I can unsnap her bra.

  “Uh uh, this is my rodeo.” Crouching down, she yanks my pants and boxer briefs down my legs in one swift motion, licking my cock from root to tip as she stands back up.

  I’ve never stuck with a woman who fought me for control before, it’s not something I’m willing to give up, but with Lia I can’t seem to turn away. The way she battles me is seductive and somehow we both manage to get our needs met.

  Lia needs to be in control because she isn’t ready to surrender herself to someone. I can see it in her eyes when she pushes me, the battle between what her body craves and what her mind needs. One day she will find someone she can release that need to and surrender herself, I’m not that person and, until then, I have conceded to the fact I have to be lenient if this is going to work.

  Lia pushes me down, straddling me. She grinds herself over me, unable to help herself. “Grab the leather straps.” Her words are demanding, her eyes showing her vulnerability as she waits for me to fight her.

  Ignoring my initial instinct to deny her, I reach above my head and loop the straps over my wrists and hang on, the momentary panic at the inability to use my hands blinding me until I feel her lips wrap around my cock. She never fully ties me, knowing I won’t be able to handle it, but my knuckles are white from the strain of forcing my hands to stay put.

  The sweet torture of her mouth licking and sucking as she takes me deep down her throat throws every thought in my head away, focusing solely on the way she knows just how to build me up. I hate not being in control, but oh that sweet mouth makes it worth it. The knowledge that she will let me take over settles me as I thrust my hips up.

  She takes me into the back of her throat, holding my hips down as she swallows.

  “Fuck.” I lift my head, watching her lips move over my dick, her eyes on me. “Babe, stop. I’m not coming in your mouth right now.”

  Lia’s face is expressive, her every emotion written clearly for anyone who pays attention. She loves bringing me to the brink, torturing me sweetly until I can’t take it anymore. The smirk on her face as she releases me is pure feminine sexuality.

  “I’ve been wet ever since you texted me this morning. The thought of you filling me, taking me hard and fast.” She climbs up my body, positioning herself above me before slamming down. “Alex, I want you to fuck me so hard I can’t walk straight.” She moans my name as she rides me, her nails digging into my chest as she pushes herself up, tightening her muscles as she slams back down, grinding her clit into me.

  Resisting the urge to release my hands from their restraint, I watch her ride my dick, her eyes locked on where we join. She throws her head back as she rides me harder until I can’t take it anymore.

  Letting go of the straps, I grab her hips and flip her onto her back ignoring the disgruntled look on her face as I take back what is mine.

  Grabbing her hands, I pin them above her head as I thrust into her, my pace bordering on punishing, just how I have been picturing all day. Her legs wrap around my waist, inviting me in deeper, the new angle enveloping me more firmly. My eyes hold hers as she comes, her pussy gripping my dick as she shudders beneath me. I draw back, pounding back into her as I find my own release.

  Pulling out, we get out of bed and start dressing. My eyes linger on her as she covers up her flawless skin.

  She smiles at me as she pulls a tank top over her head, and smooths her hair.

  Aside from the night we finally gave in, every time we’ve been together it’s like this. Hard, fast, and explosive, usually catching each other in between clients or after everyone has gone to bed for the night, but rarely do we have a chance to linger.

  Our first night, I was able to worship her body and I crave the chance to do it again more than I have ever craved being slow with anyone else. I don’t do slow, sweet love making, but something about her and the way I feel with her makes me want to slow down. That thought terrifies the shit out of me.

  “Umm, so Lydia called yesterday and she’s bringing Patty here today. I meant to mention it, but we got distracted.” Her eyes are relaxed, despite the prospect of seeing someone who hurt her.

  “Okay.” Sitting on the foot on the bed, I lean back on my hands and watch her. The concerns from Emma’s suggestion this morning returning. “We need to talk about this morning.”

  Lia’s face goes blank, her features carefully schooled to show no emotion. “Okay.” She drags the word out.

  “I don’t know if it’s a good idea, it feels serious. I think it’s blurring boundaries and I don’t want that risk.”

  “Jesus, Alex. I wasn’t suggesting we pick out china patterns. I have a room. You need a room. Not to mention, I was thinking ‘hey, easy access.’ We have a bargain, I’m pretty sure the only thing this changes is your location.” Lia’s expression morphs to one of hurt, and I instantly become defensive.

  “It’s blurring the lines. Lines that we’ve established to safeguard ourselves from complicated. Living together would be so far past complicated, I can’t even see it behind us.”

  Lia gets right in my face. “The only fucking reason this has become complicated is because you are making it that way. The bedroom is yours if you want it, if you don’t then what the fuck ever. Now get out, I have shit to do without you freaking out on me again over something that’s in your damn head.”

  She leaves me sitting in the bedroom of her clinic, the sheets in a messy pile at the foot of the bed reminding me of how we went from post-orgasmic bliss to angry tension in a matter of minutes. Hanging my head, I silently berate myself. She’s right, I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.

  She’s so pissed off she is willing to face Lydia alone, rather than have me there with her. Shame fills me, Lia has done nothing to make me doubt her commitment to our agreement. In the past two weeks, we’ve had fun and it’s been easy. She texts when she wants me, but otherwise acts no different than she would with Jesse.

  I make quick work of tidying up the room, before joining her in her office. Her back is to me, her shoulders hunched forward as she pulls papers from her filing cabinet. I have a feeling she’s just avoiding looking at me, and I don’t blame her. I can only hope she knows this is about me and not about her.

  Stepping in behind her, I push her hair over one shoulder and kiss the side of her neck. She flinches at the contact, making me
feel like an even bigger jerk. “I’m an asshole.”

  She relaxes just a bit, her body curving into mine. “Go on.”

  “It’s easy to forget that you’re different from other women who say they’re okay with the friends with benefits idea, but mean until it becomes something more.” She turns in my arms, smirking up at me.

  “Don’t be so self-centered. I’m using you for your body, that’s it.” Her hands run up my chest soothing me. “Haven’t we already established that I’m not some clingy chick? We’re friends first, fuck buddies second.”

  Leaning down, I capture her lips with my own, sinking into her as she opens up to me. Before we can take it any further, a car door slams and she pulls away, her eyes suddenly strained.

  “What’s wrong, baby?” Brushing my fingers down her cheeks, I drop my hand when the door opens, a slender red head walks in. Lia stiffens, the smile on her face tense and guarded.

  “Good morning, Lydia.” Lia turns to her desk, grabbing a clipboard and pen, before attaching the papers she has stacked on the cabinet. I don’t miss the way she has to take a deep breath before turning back around.

  Stepping forward, I extend my hand. “Hi, I’m Alex.”

  Lydia grasps my hand, blatantly checking me out. I drop her hand quickly, narrowing my eyes on the woman who betrayed her friend.

  “Sorry, Alex. Lydia is my ex-boyfriend’s fiancée. Her horse, Patty, had a nasty fall when they were riding recently and needs some intensive therapy.” Lia steps up alongside me, watching Lydia with narrowed eyes.

  I wrap my arm around Lia, bending down to kiss her temple. She leans into me, the tension leaving her body.

  Looking down, I meet her hazel gaze with a wink, before wrapping my hand around the back of her neck and kissing her fiercely. The need to protect her from this woman hits me like a wall, it’s unexpected and confusing.

  Pressing my lips to her ear, “Do you want me to stick around, or do you got this?”