by Ashley Erin
“I promised myself, actually that’s a lie, I promised Lia I wouldn’t say anything. However, I saw the look on your face when you thought she was on a date with Dominic. I want you to think long and hard about your reaction and the words you just spoke.”
We turn into the driveway, and based on the set of Emma’s shoulders I can tell the conversation is over.
She drops me off in front of the house, wishing me a goodnight as I drag my suitcase away from the truck. Toeing off my shoes, I peek in the living room when I see the light is on. It’s late for Ryan to be up, so I’m not surprised when I see Lia on the couch. She’s asleep, her eReader on her lap.
Abandoning my suitcase by the front door, I walk over to the couch, clicking off the light and lifting her into my arms.
“Alex?” She doesn’t bother opening her eyes, she just wraps her arms around my neck and cuddles into me. It doesn’t escape my notice how natural it feels to have her in my arms, and how my nerves from seeing my parents settle just by having her close. “How did it go?”
“It was . . . enlightening. Why are you sleeping on the couch?” I kick open her door, and lay her down on her bed. Tucking her in, I sit down when she finally opens her eyes to look at me. She looks exhausted and pale.
“I felt bad that I couldn’t pick you up, so I was waiting up for you.” She curls onto her side, watching me.
“Emma said you are sick.”
“Was sick,” she cuts me off. “I could have driven to see you, but I wasn’t given the choice.”
Before I can respond, her eyes drift shut, her breathing evening out as she falls back asleep. I sit for a moment, watching her at peace. It contradicts the chaos inside of me. The things I learned in the past few days was eye opening. I didn’t let myself focus on more than the immediate issues, but now that I’m home I need to think. About what Emma said, and about the feelings I’ve been pretending don’t exist.
All of that can wait until tomorrow.
“Hold the phone. You’re half-siblings?” No one is eating, Dane’s question loud in the kitchen. In fact, everyone has set their cutlery down and is waiting to hear the story. So, I fill them in on what my dad told me. Emma passes the photo around, and by the end it’s unanimous that I look exactly like Ben.
Emma takes after her mother more, with her green eyes and darker hair. Which is why when we stand next to each other you would have no clue we’re related.
“This is huge, and amazing news!” Lia touches my arm smiling up at me, before turning to Emma. “It’s like a story in one of your books. You should totally use that in one of your books!”
Laughing, I pick up my fork and start eating again. I was expecting a bigger deal to be made of the news, even though the Hyatts have all shown themselves to be easygoing and understanding of everything.
“Are you feeling better Lia? You look much better than yesterday.” Dane stands to grab a fresh carton of orange juice.
“I do. It must have been a twenty-four hour bug. I refuse to believe the burger I had with Dom is the reason, because I won’t give up ordering it.” Lia pushes her plate away. She might be feeling better, but she ate half her usual breakfast, and part of me suspects she’s just putting on a brave face for her brothers. “But since I know you’re still worrying, I asked Nella to come and help me at the clinic today.”
After breakfast is done and the kitchen is clean, I saddle Chandler and head out to explore some new trails. I’m meeting Lia in a few hours to work with Leo and I’ve given myself that much time to sort through my shit.
Breathing in the fresh air, I try to sort through the jumble in my head.
I think I need to be honest with myself for the first time in a long time. I’m in love with Lia, and that scares the shit out of me. It’s amazing how fear makes us so capable of lying to ourselves.
I missed her when I was out of town. I wanted her with me, I wanted to talk with her, and fall asleep with her. We had moved past being simply friends with benefits a long time ago. I want to take her on dates, and do couples things with Emma and Dane.
I can’t believe I was so far in denial that I missed all the signs. I know I’m not exactly the most trusting person, but I didn’t realize that included myself.
The question is, can I do this? Can I give this a shot?
I’ve spent twelve years keeping people at a distance, never committing myself to anyone. Emma was the only exception to that, and that relationship is completely different than what I’m contemplating with Lia. She will expect a future. Marriage. Children. And she deserves all of that.
Am I capable of being everything she needs?
Alex brushes Leo, a look of pure adoration on his face. I showed him how well Leo stands when being tacked. I wasn’t wrong, he’s a fast and eager learner.
Then I taught Alex how to lunge him properly, working through any issues that may come up. By the end, I was watching and just giving corrections. I would love to have Alex train Leo every step of the way, with help.
We let Leo back into the pen with Hoover, watching them play for a while. I bought them a ball last week, and they love it.
“Want to grab dinner tonight?” Alex leans into me. Closing my eyes, I breathe in and for a moment allow myself to enjoy the close contact. Having him back has been tough. Pretending that I don’t love him, and that we’re just friends is taking more out of me than I thought, but I promised myself I could do this. Having him as a friend is better than nothing.
“Yeah, that sounds nice.”
Two hours later, we’re eating dinner and laughing when I tell him how Ryan had scared Nella.
“You should’ve seen how fast he hightailed it out of my clinic. It was hilarious.” I finish off my burger, downing the rest of my water before continuing. “Anyways, thankfully things seem to be flowing more smoothly, because he was downright moody that day.”
My stomach starts turning, but I ignore it. I’m enjoying my time with Alex too much to let anything disrupt it. By the time we’re ready to go, my lower back is killing me because I’m so tense. I don’t even argue with him when he insists on paying the bill.
We arrive home in record time, lingering outside. He’s been acting odd this evening, it’s a new side to him, but he’s almost nervous. I’ve never seen Alex nervous before. He’s probably feeling the awkwardness in our new reality too, unsure how I’m going to behave.
“Want to walk for a bit?” The suggestion is quiet, hopeful.
“How about we lay on the deck and look at the stars?” I propose. The idea of walking while my lower back is acting like a herd of elephants are hosting a dance party on it is unappealing.
He takes my hand, causing my heart to jump, and we walk to the back of the house. Laying side by side, we gaze up at the canvas of twinkling stars. He still hasn’t let go of my hand. Part of me wants to pull away, ask him not to do that because it’s too confusing. The other part of me wants to hold on tighter and not let him go.
“Are you okay, Alex? You’ve been acting off all night.” Turning my head, I watch him in the darkness. The moon bathes us in a white light, allowing me to see his features clearly. My hand still holds onto his, the latter urge winning for the moment.
“I’m better than I have been in a while.” His eyes do look lighter, like a weight has been lifted.
My heart sinks. A hopeless feeling settling in my already tumultuous gut.
“I’m glad.” I am glad. I’m happy he’s finding a way to be happy, I just wish it was with me.
“I’ve been thinking though.” He pauses, and the look in his eyes has me holding my breath. “I miss you.”
He turns his head to look at me, I know he loves me, but he’s looking at me like he knows it too. I want to shake myself. I must be imagining it. Missing me doesn’t necessarily mean he wants more than what we had before.
“I’m right here.” The words come out in a whisper.
“I know, but it’s just not the same. I miss us. I want us to be toge
ther.” He lifts our hands and holds them to his chest. I can feel his heart beating.
“You mean, re-engage our agreement? I can’t do that Alex. I–I want more.” He holds my hand tighter, as though he’s afraid I’m going to pull away. I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to. Regardless of what I’m saying, I will hear him out, and consider taking what he’s willing to give me.
He leans into me, whispering, “I want more too. I’ve wanted more for a while, I was just too scared to admit it. I’ve been so scared of you hurting me, it took us parting for me to realize I’m more at risk hurting myself by not pursuing this than I am of being hurt by you if we do. I want to date you. I want people to know we’re together.”
My heart pounds, my eyes welling as I realize he means it. To my horror, I start to cry. And not a few glistening tear drops down my cheek. Ugly, full body sobs. My body shakes with the force of my tears, and I can barely make Alex out in the blur.
“Baby? I hope those are happy tears.” He pulls me into his chest, holding me as I cry and try to catch my breath.
“S-s-so happy.” I finally stutter out, before pressing into him as close as possible. I thrust one leg between his, tangling us together.
He chuckles. “Good. Can you stop crying now so I can kiss you?”
Nodding, I press my face into his chest until the tears finally stop. Alex lifts my chin, kissing my forehead, then each cheek, the tip of my nose, before finally letting our lips meet. Opening for him, I pour everything I’ve been feeling into the kiss.
It’s not hard, or rushed, it’s slow and passionate. It’s a kiss that tells me we’re both finally in the same place. Not only am I stitched whole again, but so is Alex.
Alex frowns when I come down the stairs. “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Ouch. You sure know how to make a gal feel pretty.” I quip.
“That’s not what I meant.” He scowls when he sees my smirk. “And you know it. Wear jeans and your boots, with a nice top. I want you to be comfortable.”
“You know what would make this easier? If you would tell me what we’re doing.” Grinning, I enjoy teasing him. I’m excited that he wants to surprise me. He’s taking the dating thing seriously, and not wasting any time.
He shakes his head, pointing up the stairs without saying another word. As I change, I can’t help the smile on my face. Our first real date where everyone knows it’s a date.
Laughing as I remember the look on everyone’s faces was priceless when we walked into the kitchen this morning holding hands. Emma was elated. Dane happy because Emma is so happy. Ryan’s concern, and Jesse’s shock. He was the only one who had no clue what had been happening between us. That shocked the shit me, that Dane and Ryan hadn’t told him.
Overall, they were supportive, once my brothers had their fun warning Alex. Rolling my eyes, I throw on a deep green halter top. It showcases my breasts, but is comfortable to wear for whatever it is Alex has planned.
Bounding back down the steps, I spin in a circle at the bottom. “Better?”
“Wow.” He pulls me into his arms, kissing me until we’re both breathless. “We better go before I carry you upstairs, bend you over and–” a cough cuts him of.
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you saying that to my baby sister.” Ryan is standing in the entrance of the kitchen, a sandwich in hand. Covering my smile as Alex shifts uncomfortably, I try not to burst into laughter.
Ryan is protective of me, but he trusts my judgment. It’s kind of enjoyable watching him make Alex squirm though.
“Sorry, man.”
Alex take my hand and leads me out of the house. The laugh I’m holding in bursts free when Ryan winks at me.
Alex spins me, pressing me against the now close door. “Think that’s funny, do ya?”
Giggling, I nod. “Immensely.”
He leans in and bites my neck before leading me down the steps.
“I don’t know if Emma ever told you, but I’ve taken a bunch of photography classes, and done some freelance work. I thought today we could do a shoot with you and Ollie.” He leads me into the barn where Emma has Ollie bathed, groomed, and looking show ready. “I got to thinking about what happened to your friend’s horse, and I know you have photos from the shows you’ve been in, but . . .”
He fades off, waiting to see what I think. “That is the most thoughtful idea.” Spinning around, I wrap my arms around him squeezing. “Thank you.”
“Where do you want to start?” Alex asks as Emma hands him a professional looking camera, and a bag I’m assuming is full of different lenses. She smiles at us and leaves the barn without a word.
I run over all the places that would be nice to take photos, picturing the different spots in my mind. “Hmmm. Let’s just go to the empty paddock outside. It’s close, and the trees make a nice backdrop.”
Alex takes my hand, my stomach fluttering at the contact. I want to tell him I love him, but I don’t think he’s ready for the words to be said. Regardless of whether I see the emotion in his eyes or not, he’s already taken a huge step in taking our relationship to this level, and doing it well.
Opening the gate, we walk into the paddock and I wait while Alex gets his camera ready. He fiddles with buttons, changes the lens, and takes a few shots of me with Ollie while tweaking the settings.
“Okay, I don’t want you to look at the camera. Just do some things with Ollie that you would normally do.” He lifts the camera, and waits.
Laughing, I try to ignore him, talking softly to Ollie, and getting him to relax with me. He nuzzles my hip as I fix his mane, but I can’t stop thinking about the click of the camera as Alex takes photos. Taking off his halter, I drop it to the ground. I don’t want anything on him.
Moving to Ollie’s side, I grip his mane, find my momentum, and swing myself onto his back. Smiling at Alex’s muttered surprise, I lean down to stroke Ollie’s neck, before nudging him into a trot.
I’ve been so focused on preparing for the shows that I haven’t taken the time to ride Ollie bareback in months. I love the connection I feel with him, the movement of his muscles, and the absolute trust in him to take care of me.
I make a kissing noise and he seamlessly moves into an easy lope, moving off my leg perfectly. Bareback works the muscles of my entire body in a completely different way. There is no saddle helping me to keep my seat, it’s entirely the feel of Ollie and using my muscles to move with him.
I angle across the paddock, changing directions, and circle around Alex. The camera he holds is no longer at the forefront of my mind, instead, I’m focused on Ollie and the enjoyment I always feel riding him.
Slowing Ollie down, I stop him and lie down on his neck, soaking up his warmth and the clean scent of his hair.
“Look over at me.” Alex’s voice is soft, the low timbre sending shivers down my spine. Pressing my cheek into Ollie’s mane, I look over at Alex and await direction. He doesn’t say anything else just snaps photos and moves around me. I can feel how relaxed my face is. I’m not smiling, but I know the look that’s on my face. It’s one of pure contentment.
I watch Alex move, the way his arms flex as he holds the camera. The intent focus on his face as he tweaks settings every so often. The heat that flares in his eyes when we make eye contact.
My body is humming, not wanting this date to be over, but ready to feel his body against mine as we move together. He lifts the camera. Click.
“I want you to lay on your back, with your head resting against his hip. Make sure your hands are comfortable, but not hanging limply.” I can hear the lust in his throat, it settles into a steady flutter in my belly.
Last night, after we came inside, he kissed me outside my room before going to his bedroom and closing the door. I know he wants to show me that this isn’t just about sex anymore, but I’ve known that for a while. As frustrated as I am, I think he needs to know that for himself rather than for me.
I just hope he doesn’t plan on abstainin
g for long.
An hour later, we leave Ollie in the pasture to eat and make our way back to the house.
“I can’t wait to see the photos. Can we upload them now?” Wrapping my arm around Alex’s waist, I lean into him. I love the fact that I can do this without worrying about either of us overthinking it.
“Nope. You’re not seeing them until I’ve gone through them all and picked out the best ones.” He chuckles when I look up at him with a pout. “Do you believe that’s going to work?”
“It was worth a try.” Smiling up at him, I move in front of him and stand on my toes. He leans down to brush his lips against mine, deepening the kiss when I moan. I’m so incredibly turned on just being near him, I can’t help the sounds that rumble from my throat.
A throat clearing has me reluctantly pulling away, only to be met with Dane and Emma watching us with a mixture of amusement and concern. We’re on a roll today with the audiences.
It is obvious Dane is worried that Alex is going to hurt me. He knows how hurt I was after Graham, and I now realize I was never in love with Graham. Looking at Dane, I know he realizes my feelings for Alex are much stronger, which gives him the power to hurt me even more than I was.
I want to tell Dane not to worry, that I know Alex won’t hurt me, but there is no sense. It won’t stop him, and he won’t believe me when I tell him I can feel it. I’m not saying I am foolish enough to think we won’t have issues, but I do think we can handle whatever comes our way.
“We’re having a movie night and we thought you two might like to come over for our first official double date.” Emma squeezes Dane’s hand, and he finally relaxes a bit.
Looking at him, I mouth, “Trust me.”
He nods. I love him for worrying, but I need him to understand I know what I’m doing.
“Sounds fun. We will see you later.”
Emma: Don’t eat dinner. We have food.
Me: Score! I was scrambling trying to think of what I want to eat. Nothing sounds good to me today.