by April Fire
“Hey,” Darius greeted me awkwardly, and I raised a hand in acknowledgement of his existence. I kept my head down and did my best to ignore him, but it was hard -- we kept having to step around each other in the kitchen, and every time our bodies came into contact, it was like someone had sent this jolt of an electric shock across my system.
I focused in on getting the place set up for the evening rush, and avoided Darius’s gaze as best I could. Despite my best efforts, we caught each other staring a couple of times. Any other shift, we might have sneaked off to the staffroom where there were no video cameras and gone to town on each other. Now, the chemistry crackled and fizzled out between us uselessly, never to be consummated.
I went about the rest of the day on autopilot, grateful when the rest of the staff came trailing in to the restaurant and filled the place with chatter about their Saturday nights. The more people I could put between Darius and I, the better. I found that every time I looked at him, I felt this sharp stab of regret that seemed to flicker painfully across my mind and leave me immobilized for a moment. I couldn’t stop thinking about the last thing he’d said to me, that he never would have let his boxing put me in danger, but none of that mattered now. I’d hurt him, more than I’d probably hurt anyone before in my life, and it wasn’t like I could just go back on that now that it was all out there.
Before I knew it, the shift was over, and I was gratefully making my way home. I was barely out of the door when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned around to find myself looking at the man who’d been haunting me since the night before.
“Uh, I just wanted to give you this,” he muttered, and handed me a plastic grocery bag- I opened it, and found it stuffed full of stuff I’d left at his place while we’d been seeing each other. My heart had picked up with excitement as soon as I’d laid eyes on him again, but the clamor in my chest faded away to nothing as soon as I realized that he wasn’t coming here to talk reconciliations.
“Thanks,” I closed the back and smiled at him tightly, mustering the most convincing grin I could manage given the situation. He looked at me for a moment longer, and for a moment I thought he was going to say something, but instead, he turned back around and made his way back inside the bar, leaving me out on that quiet street alone once again. I felt tears prick my eyes, and started the trudge back to my apartment. God, if I could go back to a time when the only problems we had were kissing outside of work and hoping that no-one had seen us…
I went over it in my head a hundred times before I made it back to my place, and a hundred times more as I fixed myself some dinner and got ready for bed. I had to remind myself why I had done it, why I had cut Darius out of my life as brutally as that. I had to prove to myself that I could make decisions that made sense for me -- that I could be trusted with my own safety, my own happiness, my own heart.
I had spent so long pursuing assholes that when I encountered the kind of guy who was almost guaranteed to be one, I put up my barriers to keep us apart, convincing myself I was making the smart choice. That, for once, I was making good decisions for my future happiness. But then…when Darius had turned up to that gig, he proved to me that he saw us as something more than I did.
Or maybe he had just accepted it sooner. Maybe he’d come to terms with the fact that we were meant to be together, that we had the kind of chemistry that you didn’t just walk away from if things were getting tough or weird or scary. He cared for me, and he wasn’t afraid to show it. Maybe I was just scared of throwing myself into something again only to get shot down.
As I lay in bed, I couldn’t help comparing it, in my head, to my experience with playing music. How many times had I been knocked back with that? A dozen, two dozen, more? Certainly, the rejections piled up in my head till they were too many to count. And now, I found myself looking down the barrel of some tangible success. Yeah, The White Roses weren’t exactly the kind of band I saw myself playing with, but they were popular and talented and people actually came out to their shows.
I got to play in front of crowds who screamed for more, instead of a handful of uninterested drinkers at the bar of an open-mic night. I hadn’t given up on that, even though the universe had been telling me that I should for years and years and years. And who was I to listen to the universe, anyway?
If it hadn’t wanted Darius and I together, then it wouldn’t have dumped him at my feet, wouldn’t have given him that job at Dino’s, wouldn’t have had us meet each other in the first place. It would have made sure that Nina never looked twice at the asshole who coached for his opponent, and would have sent me out to a club with my best friend to help her get over her break-up.
But it didn’t- and here we were. All of those things had happened, and there was no escaping from the fact that what we had was…something. Whether or not it was forever, I didn’t know, but I could be damn sure that at the very least, we had something that I didn’t want to let go of quite that easily.
I fell into a fitful sleep, and dreamed dreams of Darius and me. It was as though my brain was determined to torture me with my bad decision even when I didn’t have the wherewithal to keep my eyes open.
That weekend, I was getting ready to play once again at a different venue all the way across town. The only thing that remained the same this time around was my sense of nervousness.
“You did great last time, don’t worry,” Nina soothed me, and I rolled my eyes at her playfully.
“You weren’t even there!” I pointed out, and before I knew it, Taylor had sidled up next to us to offer Nina a drink.
“Yeah,” he confirmed. “If you’d have been there, I’d have remembered it.”
Nina took the beer from him, cracked it, and took a swig. She offered him a quick smile --one that said “trust me, we’re going to come back to this later” and and then turned her attentions back to me.
I knew she must have been showing a superhuman amount of restraint not to go for it there and then, because Taylor was the literal definition of her type I appreciated the fact that she was focusing all her attention on making sure that I felt like an actual human being before I stepped out there again.
“I know, but I’ve seen you play before,” she reminded me. “You’re going to be great, I know it.”
“We have to get on,” Joy motioned towards the door and I lifted my head. For some reason, I was even more nervous than I had been the last time. Maybe it was because I knew just how many people were going to be out there? Before, I had no idea how many people I’d be facing, but now, as the roar of the crowd grew even stronger, there was no denying it. I sucked in a deep breath and grabbed my bass, following the rest of the group on to the stage. Nina squeezed my arm.
“I’ll be out in the crowd,” she promised me, and flashed me a warm smile as she disappeared behind the curtain and out into the bar area. I managed another deep breath, and finally stepped out on to the stage once again.
The crowd was bigger than last time, and for a moment, panic seized me completely-but as soon as the music kicked into action, I was able to relax. I focused on the movement of my fingers on the frets, the feeling of the bass pulsing through the speakers right next to me as I played. Before I knew it, I was moving around the stage like I owned the place, confident and cocky and in-control. I felt awesome,
and those couple of beers I’d had before hitting the stage really helped. The gig flew by, and before I knew it, we were closing out with that big hit once again. I caught sight of Nina in the crowd, and she pulled a face at me- I pulled one back, and theatrically lifted the bass up a little to show off to her. She grinned and cheered, and I couldn’t help but smile back. She was always supportive of my music, and there was no-one I’d rather have here than her.
As soon as we were done, we made our way backstage again and I cracked another beer in the dressing room. We clinked our bottles together, and I waited for Nina to find her way to us once again. Taylor was already glancing around for her by the time she arrived but, to my
surprise, she didn’t pay him a jot of attention, instead focusing in on me and pulling me into a corner as soon as she came through the door.
Her eyes were wide, as though she’d seen a ghost, and I narrowed my mine at her as I tried to figure out exactly what could have happened to excite her as much as this. She looked as though she had the gossip of a lifetime.
“Darius was here,” she murmured to me urgently- and my stomach dropped to my shoes.
“What the fuck?” I demanded, more to myself than to her. I was loud enough that the rest of the group turned to look at me, and I lowered my voice once again. None of them knew about what was going on in my personal life -- it just didn’t seem relevant to the kind of relationship we were going to have, and I didn’t want to burden them with it. But it looked like they were going to get a clue, at least, as Nina continued to talk.
“He saw me, but I don’t think he recognized me,” she continued. “He was standing at the back so you wouldn’t see him, I think, and he was with one of his friends.”
“Did he say anything? Do anything?” I asked. He could have just been there to support his friend-of-a-friend’s band, I reminded myself, and it could have nothing to do with me whatsoever. I could be acting like an entitled brat, assuming that every single little thing he did revolved around me now.
Or…or he could have been there to watch me play again. Even after everything that happened, it seemed like such a Darius thing to do. He was a man of his word, and when he said that he would support my music, he meant it, no matter what.
“I got close enough that I could hear what they were talking about,” she went on. I wondered just how close she had gotten, considering how loud the music had been- I had a sudden, comical image of Nina sneaking up behind them and trying to nonchalantly catch some of their conversation, and tried not to giggle. Or maybe I was just excited at the prospect that Darius had come here to see me once again.
“And?” I prompted her, and she hesitated before she spoke again, seemingly sure that whatever she had to tell me next was going to be a kick in the teeth.
“He said he had to leave early, because he had a fight that evening,” she replied, screwing her face up. “He left before the gig was over. But he couldn’t take his eyes off of you the entire time. It was crazy. He was definitely there to see you, I can tell you that much.”
“Fuck,” I muttered to myself, and put my beer down- I was going to need a clear head to figure out what I was meant to do next with any clarity.
“So, what are you going to do?” Nina asked, and I could see her eyes shining with excitement. “This is so romantic.”
“I’m going to go after him,” I announced suddenly, taking another swig of my beer and going to grab my stuff. I turned to the rest of the group, and pulled an apologetic face.
“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to fly,” I gestured to the door. “Personal stuff, you know? I’ll see you at rehearsals next week.”
“You go get him,” Joy smiled at me, and I realized that they must have overheard pretty much the entirety of our conversation.
“Will you be coming back next week too?” Taylor addressed the question to Nina, who flashed him a flirtatious smile and nodded.
“Oh, hell yes,” she agreed. “But right now I’ve got an adventure to go on.”
“See you guys later!” I called over my shoulder as I made for the door. I was crunching the numbers on my head, trying to figure out how long it was going to take us to get all the way across town and to the warehouse where I’d first met Darius all those weeks ago. I wasn’t sure if this wasn’t a stupid idea yet, but the adrenalin was pulsing in my veins, enough of it to make sure that I didn’t overthink any of this.
I just needed to go see him, to ask him why the hell he was still looking out for me even though we had broken up. To figure out whether or not there was any chance for us now that I had fucked things up.
“I’ll get us a cab,” Nina stepped out on to the street and flagged down a taxi; a few people shot us dirty looks as we slipped into the back seat, but Nina was the kind of woman who got what she wanted whether the people around her liked it or not.
I slipped my bass between my legs as Nina gave the driver the address. He shot us both an odd look, as though he knew where we were going and wondered what two hipster chicks were planning to do there- but he pulled out and on to the street, and we were on our way. Nina was grinning excitedly over at me.
“Do you think you guys are going to get back together?” She sighed.
“I have no idea,” I admitted. “But… I have to find out what he was doing here tonight, you know?”
“So, you’re both coming out in secret to watch each other do the thing you love most,” she pointed out. “That’s pretty couple-y, if you ask me.”
“Yeah, well, maybe,” I muttered, urging the driver to go faster in my mind, thinking Darius might have finished his fight already. Perhaps he was already on his way home. I squinted at the cars as they passed by us, and wondered if he was in one of them. Had he won or lost tonight? Who was he fighting? He never told me much about his boxing when we were sleeping together, and I didn’t ask, as it was easier for me to pretend that that wasn’t part of his life.
But now, I wanted to know everything about it- I wanted to tell him that I was wrong, and that I wanted to be there for him tonight and every night. Yes, it was stupid, and yes, I was probably wrong, but as soon as I’d heard he was there in the crowd that night, my heart swelled with love for him and I knew I needed to find some way to convince him to give me a second chance.
We arrived at the warehouse a few minutes later- the driver seemed to sense our urgency and put his foot down, weaving in and out of the Saturday-night traffic with ease. I wondered how many people he’d taken up here over the years, how many beat-up fighters he’d taken in the other direction. He’d probably seen it all up here.
He let us out a few feet from the entrance to the warehouse, which was already buzzing with activity. I could tell that the place was already packed from wall-to-wall. I could hear the noise of the music through those tinny speakers as Nina paid the driver, and it took me back to that first night in an instant.
Nina and I climbed out of the car and made our way towards the entrance. We paused outside for a moment, and Nina glanced over at me. I clutched my bass protectively and met her gaze.
“You sure about this?” She asked gently, and I nodded.
“Certain.”
I made my way inside, slinging the instrument over my shoulder and looking around. I couldn’t see Darius anywhere- I peered into the ring, but there was no sign of him there, either.
“Maybe backstage?” Nina suggested, following my gaze as it travelled around the room. She grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of the stage door. I wasn’t sure how we were meant to blag our way in there, but as soon as we arrived, the bouncer gave us a cursory once-over and stepped aside to let us in. So much for tight security, I couldn’t help but remark sarcastically in my head. But then, at an event like this…was there much call for it?
Darius wasn’t backstage, either, so Nina sashayed up to one of the trainers with a big smile on her face, batted her lashes, and stuck a hand on her hip. The guy turned his attention to her at once- how could he not?
“Do you happen to know where Darius is?” She asked confidently, and I lurked behind her, trying not to look too obvious as I listened in.
“Sorry, sweetheart,” the guy shrugged. “He left as soon as his fight was done.”
“Are you sure?” She sighed.
“Trust me, I wouldn’t lie to you,” he assured her, and she turned away from him as he opened his mouth to flirt some more. The way his face dropped would have been comical if I hadn’t been distracted by the disappointment of Darius already leaving.
“Can you wait till you see him at work?” Nina suggested. I shook my head.
“I’ve got a lot of bridges to rebuild,” I replied. “And I can only
do that if I prove to him that I think he’s worth the effort. You know?”
“Whatever you say,” she agreed determinedly. This was Nina we were talking about -- she had my back more than anyone else in the world, and I knew she would turn this city over to find Darius if that’s what I needed. Luckily, she wouldn’t have to.
We made our way back outside, to where the taxi driver had agreed to wait for us, and I spotted a familiar figure leaning over the car, arguing with the man inside. It was him!
I hurried over and put my hand on his shoulder; he turned, and the driver gestured up triumphantly at the two of us.
“I told you they were coming back!” He snapped at Darius. “You’ll have to find your own ride back into town.”
“Emilia?” His jaw hung open in surprise, and for a moment we just stood there, staring at each other without a clue what to say next.
“Are you guys getting in, or what?” The driver demanded. I glanced over at Nina, who waved her hand.
“I am,” she replied, and she gave me a quick hug before she slipped into the back seat, whispering in my ear as she did so. “Good luck!”
I watched as she vanished into the night, and turned my attention back to Darius.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” He demanded at last. His tone was hostile, and he was already walking away from me, pulling his phone out of his pocket to call a replacement cab.
“What the fuck were you doing at my show tonight?” I chased after him, raising my voice to make sure he could hear me. He finished the call and hung up before he answered, and for a second I wondered if my words had missed him. Then, he turned around, his expression unreadable.
“Who told you I was there?” He asked carefully.
“Nina,” I explained. “She saw you at the bar, and she heard that you had a fight on tonight. That’s why I knew to come here.”