by Tanya Stowe
* * *
“We did it!” Exhilaration rushed through Drina. Cal still leaned over her. With every nerve in her body tingling, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.
Cal froze. With her arms still looped around his neck, he looked down. Their faces were inches apart, so close, she could see the dark stubble of beard on his chin. His gaze was fixed on her lips and the look in his eyes made her catch her breath. Gray blue. Intense and oh-so-serious. Maybe a little angry and more than a little appealing.
“We did it, Cal. We got your proof.” Her voice was low and soft.
“Did we? Or did we just give away our location?”
Ah. The source of his anger. She understood now. But it didn’t change how the look in his eyes made her feel. Breathless. Needed. It had been a long, long time since a man looked at her like that. Too long. Maybe Cal was right. Maybe it was time she joined the land of the living again. Right now. Right here.
She shook her head only slightly, never taking her gaze off his lips. “No. They didn’t trace us. Thanks to your quick thinking, the security software may have pinpointed our area in Southern California but not our exact location.”
His mouth thinned. Reaching up, he broke her hands loose from around his neck and shifted his shoulders. “We’re not taking any more chances like that.”
She took a slow breath. “It didn’t feel like a chance. It felt exciting...exhilarating...and we succeeded. So why are you so upset?”
He ran a hand around his neck with an exasperated motion. “What we did is illegal. We just had a discussion about how you hate these kinds of tactics. Now you approve?”
She shrugged. “It was necessary and...” She halted. She’d told Cal multiple times that his tactics were dangerous and violent.
“Okay. Point taken. I see that your work is necessary and sometimes the means are necessary, too. The boss and his men do need to be stopped. But I still think CIA tactics are too violent. And besides...” She couldn’t help the grin that stole over her features or her need to touch him.
She leaned in and placed her hands flat on his chest. Taut muscles pushed back against her fingertips, adding to her heightened senses. His lips... That tempting corner she longed to kiss was only inches away. If she just leaned a little closer...
“And besides...” Her tone was an excited whisper. “We just hacked into one of the most sophisticated systems in the country. That was pretty sweet.”
Six
Cal didn’t seem to share her enthusiasm. His brow knit in a frown.
“Come on, Cal. Tell me you aren’t just a little jazzed that we succeeded. Not to mention the fact that you’re really good at this and...like you said, we make a great team.”
The frown deepened. “If I were so good, you wouldn’t be here right now.”
That truth put a cloud over her excitement.
She hesitated. “Well, like it or not, we got at least fifteen emails.”
His gazed popped up. “You downloaded that many?”
She nodded.
“Let’s take a look at them.”
She considered for a moment. For the first time she understood. The thrill, the excitement of what they had done, was still with her. She had never experienced the rush of danger, at least not like this. She was surprised by how much she liked it. Not just the hype of the danger but also the pleasure of the success, of doing something no one else could do. It gave her an inkling of the lure of Cal’s work. It was almost like experiencing a new discovery. Doing something no one else had done. But this type of thrill could come with more frequency than a brand-new discovery. It could happen often, weekly, maybe even daily, with every mission. She liked the idea.
Who knew she was an adrenaline junkie? What other things could Cal help her discover about herself?
Her fingertips were still tingling and her stomach was twisted in knots. She... They both needed something to do.
“Could we... Is it safe to take a walk first?”
“Right now?”
She gestured outside. “It’s just so...peaceful and beautiful. The storm hasn’t hit yet and I...”
She bit her lips, struggling to put into words what she was feeling. “Something like this makes everything so vital. Everything small and great seems remarkable and memorable. I’d just like to stop for a moment and breathe.”
He smiled, a wry, twisted lift of his lips. “You never cease to surprise me.” He looked around then shrugged. “Why not? A little fresh air might help. Grab your parka.”
The air was crisp, cold and silent. Snow had begun to fall again with thick, heavy flakes that made small shushing sounds as they touched the ground.
Cal gestured toward a gully behind his detached garage. Drina led the way down into the culvert. They were surrounded on both sides with white snowy walls and pine trees on the crest above.
They walked in silence, listening to the snow falling. Nothing moved, not even the wind in the pines. They reached a small clearing and Drina turned her face up, letting the flakes fall against her lips.
Peace. She had the strongest sense of peace since her kidnapping. That feeling had a lot to do with the man beside her. His power intrigued her. What he could do stimulated her and at the same time inspired safety and comfort in her. She didn’t understand how he could do all those things but she longed for more, felt compelled to get closer. It was time to take a chance. She took a breath. “I wanted to take ballet lessons.”
Cal turned toward her, a question forming on his expression.
She rushed to explain. “Yesterday you asked if I did anything normal when growing up. I wanted to take ballet lessons. It was one of the few ‘kid’ things I wanted to do.”
“And did your parents allow it?”
“Oh, yes. They rarely said no. But my mother never forgot to tell me how I had two left feet, so I dropped it very soon after I started. You know, excellence in all things.”
Cal was silent for a long while. Then he turned and began to walk again. “Excellence in all things. Including changing the world. Sounds like a tough way to grow up.”
“When your parents are the heads of their respective fields, a lot is expected of you.”
“Including not to be a child.”
His words caused Drina’s defensive hackles to rise. “I suppose you were a Boy Scout and all that.”
Cal grinned in a disarming manner. Even if he was making her angry, she couldn’t resist that incredible, engaging smile.
“An Eagle Scout, actually. Buddy and I earned our badges doing a project on the president. Our parents even forked out the money for a trip to Washington, DC. We met the president and were fascinated by his security detail. I was hooked and pointed my college classes in that direction when the CIA tapped me for the agency. Buddy followed his father’s footsteps into the navy.”
“And the rest is history.” Sarcasm rode low in her tone.
“Drina, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings with my comment about your parents. It’s just, well, to me that doesn’t sound like a fun way to grow up.”
“It wasn’t. Fascinating. Illuminating. Privileged. But not fun. Never fun. That’s why when I got to college, I was determined to find out what ‘fun’ was all about.”
Cal gave a slight shake of his head. “The work you did in college didn’t sound like fun. Helping the poor is hard work, not fun.”
“Not to me. Looking outside myself, reaching out to others. It was a grand new experience and I loved it. I enjoyed meeting people, leading organizations. It was almost like an addiction. I was caught up in it. I even allowed myself to fall in love.”
Cal tilted his head. “You allowed it to happen? That’s a funny way of putting it. I thought people just fell in love.”
“Oh, no. You have to allow it. You have to choose to engage and then to let the emotio
ns go, give them free rein.”
“I see. Love doesn’t just happen sometimes, in spite of your best intentions?”
She glanced sideways at him, not daring to meet his gaze. Had he stopped talking about her and John? Was Cal trying to discuss their growing attraction? She took a deep breath and her answer was firm. “No. You have to make a conscious decision. There’s always a point where you choose to go forward with an appealing relationship or turn away. I most definitely chose to move forward—with devastating consequences.”
“Why devastating? Because John enlisted?”
“Yes. At least that’s what I thought at the time. My parents implied that my mistakes drove him to it. They said I never should have gotten involved with him in the first place.”
“They didn’t approve of the relationship.”
“No, of course not. They said I was too young. That I had too much to offer the world and shouldn’t waste my time in a relationship with a young man with such outdated, illogical ideas.”
Cal sighed. “Let me guess. They were referring to John’s Christian beliefs.”
“Yes.”
“Do you believe his ideas were outdated and illogical?”
Her voice dropped. “You mean do I believe in God?” She lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug. “I wanted to. Life with John was so much brighter and better. I wanted the reason for that to be an all-knowing, all-loving God. In spite of all the negativity directed at his faith, John was fun and vibrant and passionate about his love of God. I couldn’t bear the thought of my parents ridiculing his ideas, dimming that brightness. That’s when I knew they were right. I was far too young.”
“I’m not following your logic. You wanted to defend John to your parents, so you broke up with him?”
She stopped and studied the snowy culvert around them. It was hard to put in words what she’d barely even acknowledged in the dark recesses of her mind. “I didn’t have the courage to defend him. If I’d truly loved him, I would have stood up for him, championed that shining light in his eyes. Had the strength to believe.” She stopped walking and let her head droop.
“But I didn’t. I just turned away. Eight months later I found out John had joined the marines and was killed by an unmanned missile attack in Afghanistan.”
Cal watched the gentle snow, now falling more steadily. He was silent for a long while. “So your desire to create a weapon to stop those attacks was born out of guilt.”
“Yes.” She shook her head. “Guilt and vengeance. Like you. Not very good motivations for either of us but especially for you. You have faith. How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Justify what you do.”
“Are we talking about God now or my work with the CIA again?”
“Both, I guess. I can’t imagine giving up my life and pretending to be something I’m not.”
He gave a short laugh. “But you’re doing the same thing. By your own admission you live like a hermit so you can create a weapon to save lives. I’m not sure how that’s so different than what I do. We’re both passionate about protecting people. The Lord put that in my heart, and I believe God wants us to do what He puts in our hearts.”
She shook her head again. “I wish I had that kind of trust, that kind of faith.”
They stood side by side, watching the snow fall gently around them before Cal spoke again. “Faith is a lot like the way you described falling in love. First you have to make a conscious decision, a mental effort. You have to choose God. That opens the door. He takes care of the rest and the heart follows.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“About as easy as falling in love.” He smiled that winsome, boyish smile that seemed so disarming, so unexpected from the gun-toting agent she knew him to be. It always caught her off guard and warmed her heart. When he smiled like that, he could charm her into believing anything.
“I wish that were true.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I wish I could fall in love with God as easily as I fell for John or as easily as I could...”
She halted abruptly. Was she about to say as easily as she could fall for Cal? Her gaze jerked up to his. That curious gray blue of his eyes had darkened again. The intensity of his gaze made her heart beat faster.
As Drina felt the blood rushing through her veins it seemed as if something snapped inside her, broke like a dam releasing. Her emotions flooded out. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head down. His lips were firm and warm against hers. As welcoming and wonderful as she had imagined. They parted.
Then Cal cupped her face with both hands. He tilted her head slightly and kissed her again as if he wanted to make sure what they’d just experienced was real.
The third kiss was just as tender, just as spark filled as the other two. She wanted more, but he broke the kiss and gently moved her away. Cupping both sides of her face, he leaned his forehead against hers. “I think...we’d better stop.”
She nodded but didn’t really agree. Some barrier had broken inside her. She wanted to feel, to experience more, to allow her senses—long chained by guilt and regret—to break free.
His hands slid down the sides of her neck. She curved her face into him, loving the warmth and comfort of his touch.
Maybe Cal was right. Maybe she wasn’t responsible for the world’s problems. She was just one woman... One who was falling in love again. That thought jolted her. She couldn’t afford to fall in love again. She had work to do. A world-shattering task to accomplish and besides...she might not survive another loss like John’s.
Just as that thought occurred to her, Cal squeezed her upper arms and stepped back. Immediately she was cold. Lost. Empty without him.
Too late. It was too late. She was already halfway in love. What would she do now? She wrapped her arms around her waist and held herself together.
Cal ran a hand around his neck. “That won’t happen again.”
His words hurt even though she’d just had the same thoughts. The hurt must have shown in her face. He grasped her arms again. “You know this is the worst possible time for this to happen.”
She shuddered. She couldn’t stop herself.
Instantly, he pulled her back into his arms. “Don’t misunderstand me. It’s wonderful and amazing. But your life is in danger right now. I can’t allow my feelings or yours to cloud my judgment, Drina. I have to think clearly...to get you to safety, then we can explore and enjoy what just happened.”
She shook her head. “We won’t explore this. As soon as this is over, you’ll be off to chase the boss and I have to finish my work. Whatever we have will be right here, right now.”
He gripped her tighter. “You’re right. The boss needs to be stopped but I’ll have help. I won’t be alone in my mission. You still feel that you have to have excellence in all things. You have to change the world all by yourself. That’s not the way it is.”
He lifted her chin with his fingertip. “You need to learn that God is in charge. He’s the commander and you are just a follower.” He ran his thumb over her chin. “You’re trying to win the war by yourself. That’s too heavy a load for one person to carry.”
His hands were warm against skin made cold by the steady breeze. She wanted to capture his hand and hold it close. “What difference does it make? We both want the same thing...are going for the same goal.”
“It may seem like I’m splitting hairs, but it’s the essence of faith, Drina. I do what I do because I serve Him. I know He’s in control. It’s not up to me to win the battle against evil. I’m just supposed to find the spy. You want to stop all soldiers from dying.” He shook his head. “You want to stop all pain, all hurt, but the world doesn’t work like that.”
“Maybe that’s what’s wrong with this world. What kind of all-knowing, all-loving God lets us suffer like this?”
“The kind who
wants you to turn to Him, to let Him heal your pain and ease your burdens.”
She shook her head, starting to protest, but he placed his fingers on her lips, silencing her. “The world has already been saved, Drina. Jesus did that. He poured out His life for us, for everyone, for all time. He poured Himself into a cup of salvation. All we have to do is accept that cup and follow Him.
“I don’t know why John volunteered. But if he was as faithful as you say, I suspect he accepted that cup a long time ago. All he was doing was following in his Lord’s footsteps, just as I try to do.”
She stared at him. The snow was falling so fast that flakes caught on her lashes. She wiped them away. “You’re telling me that I’m not responsible for what happened...for how I abandoned John. I know that now.”
He sighed. “There’s more. You’ve said we do what we do out of guilt. I’m saying that there’s a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is God’s tool. He uses it to make us uncomfortable, to make us examine what we’ve done. It shows us where we’ve made missteps, and how to bring those steps to the light and get back on the right path. Guilt is the tool of evil. Guilt makes us hide things. Drives us to make mistakes, pushes us to make choices we would never make if not for the guilt.”
The snow had begun to fall thick and hard. The wind slanted at a sharp, painful angle, narrowing visibility. She could barely see the trees above them. She squinted against the gusts.
“But isn’t that what you’re doing? Letting survivor’s guilt for Buddy make you follow the company’s directives without thought?”
He shook his head and had to raise his voice above the whistling wind. “I don’t let guilt drive me, Drina. If I did, I’d be with the boss right now and you’d be lying on the floor of the shack with a hole in your head.”
She stared at him, silenced by the truth. Then a rustling caught their attention and they both turned to see a large buck leap into the clearing. He turned and froze, long ears twitching. Neither Cal nor Drina moved as the snow fell on the beautiful animal. His stately antlers reaching for the sky, his brown coat sleek. He was majestically poised, and perfect with the flakes falling steadily on his back. The buck’s black nose lifted and twitched. Then it seemed his head nodded.