Hell's Titties

by Robert Bevan

  “I was just speaking my mind. I thought we still lived in a free country.”

  “You were being an asshole,” said Zelda, walking into the trailer with a light strapped to her forehead and packing a goddamn samurai sword. She grinned at Bucky, who was gawking at her. “Ready to go hunt down this demon?”

  “Where the fuck did you get all that?” asked Bucky. “Did we distract you from a different demon hunt you had previously planned?”

  “The light is part of an emergency kit my dad put in the car. I've got a tire iron in there too if anyone else wants to be armed with something.”

  “And the sword?”

  “I collect them.”

  Bucky nodded, feeling a deeper kinship with Zelda. “I collect shuriken. Those are –”

  “Throwing stars,” said Thorin. “We know what they are.”

  Bucky wanted to come back with a comment about how Thorin looked like he had half a dozen shuriken sticking out of his face, but the moment passed before he could find the right phrasing. Anyway, he didn't want to insult Zelda.

  “I think Zelda is right in that we should all be armed with something, in the event that we come face-to-face with Zabor. We have knives in this drawer.” He indicated the drawer where they kept the good knives they bought off an infomercial at three in the morning. “They are genuine Ginsu. If they can cut through a shoe, they should be able to slice through that fucker's carapace.”

  “We've all had a bit to drink,” said Rainn. “Do you really think it's wise to go stumbling around in the woods with sharp knives?”

  Floyd pointed at Zelda. “She’s got a damned sword!”

  Zelda sniffed. “She knows what she’s doing with it.”

  Bucky thought for a moment. “You may be right. No knives. We should have some range. Floyd, fetch the guns.”

  “Whoa!” said Thorin as Floyd retreated to the bedroom. “I draw the line at guns. I don't mean any disrespect, but let's face the facts. First, there is no demon out there. Bringing real guns out to a pretend demon hunt is only courting disaster.”

  “I'm sorry,” said Mark. “I've got to agree with Thorin on this one. If there's something out there that requires shooting, we should just call the police or animal control or something.”

  Even Zelda appeared apprehensive, though she made no vocal objection.

  Bucky flashed Zelda a wink and a grin, having gotten the rise out of them he'd wanted. He opened the cabinet door under the sink where he kept the Raid.

  “Calm your tits, boys. Ain't nothin' to get all worked up over.” He grabbed two cans of Raid and placed them on the counter.

  Floyd returned to the kitchen with their two large and brightly colored Super Splashers, and Bucky put two more cans of Raid on the counter.

  Rainn looked around grimly at the mess all over the kitchen. “So you've got a bug problem. What a shocking surprise.”

  Bucky unscrewed the yellow plastic reservoir off one of the water guns, shook up one of the Raid cans, and started spraying the contents directly into the reservoir. “We do not have a bug problem. I mean, aside from the seven-foot-tall cockroach demon lurking around out there. These were on sale.”

  “Oh my God that stinks,” said Thorin, coughing. “I think I'm going to be sick.”

  “Best go outside then. The bathroom's in kinda bad shape right now, on account of us having summoned the demon in there.”

  “I think I'll join him,” said Rainn.

  By the time Bucky had emptied the first can into the reservoir, everyone but him and Floyd had decided to wait outside. Bucky couldn't blame them. That Raid was some potent shit.

  Two cans filled just under half of one reservoir.

  “You want I should grab Zelda's whatsit?” asked Floyd.

  “The fuck do you mean by that?”

  “The thing, you know... What's it called? Tire iron. So you can have a full tank instead of each of us having half a tank and only being armed with plastic toys.”

  “Hell no. Just spray those two cans in your tank, and we'll fill them up the rest of the way with water.”

  “Won't that be less effective?”

  “We hit him with enough of this shit, it'll bring him down. Hell, if we're lucky, we can incapacitate the son of a motherfucker without actually killing him.”

  Their Super Splashers primed and ready, Bucky and Floyd stepped outside where their companions awaited. Maybe it was the moonlight reflecting off Zelda’s facial piercings, or maybe it was because he’d inhaled a lot of bug poison, but Bucky was feeling amped up. He’d wanted a life outside of Hell’s Titties, and by god, he was going to get it.

  He straightened his stance, holding his Super Splasher to his chest. “Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Time to bag ourselves a demon!”

  Mark raised a hand.

  Bucky and Floyd exchanged a glance. “Yes, Mark?”

  “Do we…uh…how exactly are we going to do that?”

  Bucky scratched at his neck impatiently. “We’re going to find it and make it our bitch, Mark.”

  Mark cleared his throat and raised his hand again.

  “Christ! What now?”

  “And…uh… how do we find it?”

  “We saw it go into the woods,” said Floyd. “So we look in the woods.”

  “Those are some pretty big woods,” Thorin said.

  “Well, I guess you’d better grow yourselves some pretty big balls!” Bucky snapped.

  “And what is the plan for when we actually find it?” Rainn said.

  Bucky slapped his hands together to illustrate each word. “Make. It. Our. Bitch.”

  Rainn rolled her eyes. “Shouldn’t we be trying to capture it? I mean, alive?”

  Floyd shrugged. “Worth just as much dead as alive, right?”

  “Not if it can talk.”

  “Yeah, shit. It needs to be alive to talk. I didn’t think of that. Oh, wait…” Floyd jogged off to the rear of the trailer and came back with a tatty pair of work gloves and a reel of steel wire. “We use this to keep the deer off our crop. There must be a good ten yards on this. We could tie it up!”

  Rainn frowned as if she was going to rebuke Floyd, and then paused, her facial expression conflicting as her mental gears grinded. “That’s… that’s actually pretty smart. Good thinking, Floyd.”

  Floyd blushed and looked at his shoes.

  “Okay,” said Bucky, pumping the action on his Super Splasher for effect. “If everyone’s quite finished making their wedding plans, let’s get out there and get some.”

  Chapter 13

  Roger examined the broken window of the Stop n’ Shop with his flashlight. The break was big, practically taking out the entire pane. He found no evidence to suggest anybody had thrown anything through it.

  “And you say the cash register is untouched?” he asked.

  “Uh huh.” Mrs. Fang, the proprietor, was remarkably indifferent for a woman who had phoned emergency services to report a late night break in by a supposed monster. She stood in a purple fur-trimmed housecoat, lighting a fresh cigarette from the dying embers of her previous cigarette. “Didn’t want any money. What would a monster spend money on?”

  “And what did it take?”

  “Twenty-seven bags of assorted chips. Mostly Cheezums. Also, three cases of LAX body spray.”

  Roger nodded and tried to find a way to make his next sentence not sound sarcastic. “And you think a monster would want that stuff?”

  “How should I know what a monster wants?” said Mrs. Fang. “I look like some kind of monster expert? I run a store, Sheriff, not a freak show.”

  “Okay,” Roger said evenly. “So what did the monster look like?”

  “It was big. Bigger than a man. Bigger than a very fat man, even.”

  “Right. So, you think it could’ve been a bear or something?”

  Mrs. Fang shook her head, blowing smoke around like a particularly disinterested dragon. “No. I’ve seen bears, Sheriff. This wasn’t no bear. Besides, why would a be
ar want deodorant?”

  Roger could not think why a bear would want deodorant. “Well, Mrs. Fang, all I can do is get the security guys out here to board up your window. I’ll wait with you until they arrive if you like.”

  “And what about the monster?”

  “I’ll put word out with Ethyll that there’s some… unusual animal activity in town, and for people to be aware. How’s that sound?”

  “Sounds like you’re too much of a pussy to go and find that monster and get my deodorant back. I have that stuff imported all the way from China, you know. It’s not even legal here.”

  Roger winced. “Sure you should be mentioning that to the local Sheriff, Mrs. Fang?”

  Mrs. Fang shrugged and said nothing.

  Roger sighed. “I’ll make sure we keep an eye out. If we can return your goods to you, we most certainly will.”

  Mrs. Fang nodded and swept back into her store without a word. Roger stood and examined the window some more. A stag could have done this if it was panicked or crazy. A bear, too. Taking food made sense, although a bear was much more likely to be rooting through the garbage rather than smashing store windows. And then there was the LAX body spray. Roger had bought a can once when he’d been in a hurry and misread the label. He could only describe the experience as conducting chemical warfare on his armpits. He knew bears had a much more sensitive sense of smell than humans. Maybe they liked the smell of LAX body spray?

  Roger shook his head. No. That was too far outside the realm of possibility.

  He sighed again. The night was turning weirder and weirder.

  Chapter 14

  Despite the bright moon, the woods were deeply dark, and the demon-hunters crunched clumsily through the undergrowth, their feet kicking aside skeletal leaves, broken twigs, and the occasional used condom.

  Zelda’s head-light cut a decent way into the darkness, and she walked in front, hand on her sword hilt like that chick from that depressing zombie show. Thorin stayed close to her, tire-iron held tight to his chest. For a guy who was certain there was no demon, he was sure walking like a guy who was certain there was.

  Rainn and Mark walked side by side, holding a battery-powered camping lantern that created a warm, but dull, bubble of light against the dark. Mark had picked up a stick with club-like potential, but Rainn remained unarmed if you didn't count her comically oversized goth boots. She had volunteered to carry the wire reel, as uncomfortably heavy as it was.

  Floyd and Bucky flanked the group, the nozzles of their Super Splashers jutting accusingly at every branch that swayed, every shadow that flickered. Bucky, still high from his confident buzz, peered into the dark with narrowed eyes, ready for anything.

  “Oh Holy God Shit!”

  The scream had been so sudden that a drizzle of bug poison escaped from Floyd’s barrel at roughly the same rate as a drizzle of fear piss escaped his dick.

  “What? Where is it?”

  Zelda’s headlamp light whipped frantically around, creating more confusion than comfort.

  “There, oh shit, there!”

  Eventually, the headlamp light settled a few feet in front of them. Bucky cleared his throat and walked towards the monster.

  “That’s a possum, Thorin,” he said, nudging the animal with his boot. “That’s a dead possum.”

  Thorin, still holding the tire iron over his head, brushed down his shirt awkwardly. “Maybe I just don’t like possums?”

  “Maybe you just don’t like being a man?”

  “Hey, fuck you, fearless leader, why don’t you take point?” Thorin quickly scanned Zelda’s face for an objection, found none, and changed tact before Bucky could confirm. “Second thought, why don’t you give me that water gun? I’m probably a better shot than you, anyway.”

  “Oh, your momma tell you that, hot shit?”

  “Maybe she did.”

  “I doubt she could tell you anything, what with my balls in her mouth.”

  Rainn did her finger snapping thing again. “You guys want to save the romance for your twilight stroll across the beach? We’re busy here. Fucking focus! Oprah, remember?”

  Thorin and Bucky exchanged begrudging nods.

  “Oprah.”

  “Oprah.”

  Floyd stepped forward, sending a few quick side glances to see if Rainn was watching. “Bucky and me will scout ahead a little. We’ve been sneaking around these woods a while now, so it don’t hold no surprises for us.”

  Rainn shrugged. “You sure? Do you want the lamp?”

  Floyd shook his head. “No, ma’am. I got night vision. Besides, it’s best we see this thing before it sees us, if you get me.”

  Rainn nodded her approval. Bucky raised an eyebrow but didn’t say a word.

  Floyd and Bucky stepped a little way from the group and were quickly enveloped by shadow. For a while, they crunched through the undergrowth in silence.

  “So,” said Bucky, “you got nightvision, do you? I think the only thing you got is bullshit where your mouth should be.”

  “Come on, man,” Floyd said. “We’ve been out in these woods plenty after dark. If anyone’s gonna find this thing, it’s us.”

  “Are you sure you didn't volunteer us out here to appease the ghost of boner’s past?”

  “W-what? No. I mean, Rainn and I broke up a long time ago, and I’ve moved on since then. And so has she. We’re grown ups now. Sensible and mature n’ shit.”

  “You saying you wouldn’t jump on that ass like a fat kid on a trampoline if she gave you the green light?”

  “Well, if she gave me the green light. I mean, I’m a gentleman after all. It doesn't pay to say no to a lady.”

  Bucky shook his head sadly. “This is where we’re different, man. You’re still so hung up on this place and the people in it. Me? I’m leaving this town so far behind me I may as well be an astronaut.”

  “Never seen no astronaut with a clip-on tie.”

  Bucky sighed. “Floyd, buddy, we’ve been carrying each other around for nearly twenty years now. Don't you ever think there's more out there for us?”

  “Hell no, I don’t! I like my life and I like my plans. And so did you, until recently. What the hell’s going on with you, man?”

  Bucky inhaled and raised a pompous finger, ready to tell Floyd exactly what the hell was going on with him. And then he saw the glimmer of a light. Not the piercing beam of a flashlight, but the flickering glow of a fire. He put a palm to Floyd’s chest, stopping him in his tracks. “What the fuck is that over there, now?”

  Floyd squinted into the dark. “Camp fire?”

  “You think it’s hobos?”

  “Well, cockroaches don't make fires, far as I’m aware.”

  “They don't talk and steal your porno either, but here we are.”

  “Good point.”

  “Guys!”

  Bucky and Floyd simultaneously resisted shitting their pants, but only just. They turned around to see Zelda’s grinning face. She had, at some point, turned her head-light off. “What are we looking at?”

  Floyd nodded toward the distant firelight. “We think it might be our demon.”

  “Fire bug, huh?” said Zelda.

  Bucky raised an eyebrow. “That a joke?”

  Zelda grinned and nodded.

  “That was a terrible joke.”

  Zelda grinned and nodded.

  “What’s the POA?” said Floyd.

  “What’s a POA?” said Bucky.

  “Plan of Action, dude.”

  “You just fucking made that up.”

  “I saw it on TV!”

  “The hell you did.”

  “Guys!”

  This time it was Rainn’s turn to make Floyd and Bucky nearly shit their pants.

  “What’s the holdup? I thought you were scouting ahead?” said Rainn.

  Floyd pointed toward the light. “Just figuring out our POA.”

  “Piece of ass? This is hardly the time, Floyd.”

  Floyd blushed. “I mean tha
t we’re gonna go take a closer look at that fire. We have to be quiet, though.”

  Mark and Thorin appeared behind Rainn, and after some hushed instructions, the demon-hunters crept forward, holding their breaths as well they could. Bucky led, slowly bending thin branches before him, testing each step for anything that might rustle or snap beneath his foot. It seemed to take an age to finally get close enough to make out what was going on.

  There wasn't just one fire, but five small ones. Burning mounds of what Bucky guessed, by the smell, texture, and Zabor’s known available resources, to be flaming piles of cockroach shit. They were spaced at even intervals in a circle. In the middle of the circle was the beast, hunched over and jiggling furiously. The gang stopped, stunned into shocked silence.

  “Holy God,” Rainn breathed. “It’s…it’s real.”

  “It’s a demon,” Zelda whispered.

  “It’s jerking off!” Thorin cried.

  Bucky frowned. “What?” He looked closely. He could just about make out the creatures long, thin appendage, which it stroked vigorously with its fore-legs. “Ugh, Floyd, what did you teach this thing?”

  “Hey, don’t put this on me. It’s a perfectly natural urge!”

  Bucky shook his head. “There ain’t nothing natural about this, Floyd.”

  “What’s the plan?” said Mark. “What do we do? Holy shit.”

  “The first thing we do is make sure we get evidence.” Rainn raised her phone and flicked it to camera mode.

  “Wait,” Zelda whispered.

  Too late. The phone played a loud and exaggerated camera shutter sound effect and its flash lit up the woods.

  The beast stopped its jiggling and froze. It made a low and dangerous clicking sound, like a Geiger counter near Godzilla’s asshole. It turned its segmented eyes toward them.

  “ZABOR!”

  Chapter 15

  Everyone froze as the demon stared at them. Bucky had never felt so ill-prepared for a fight in his life. He was so paralyzed with fear that he couldn't even pump his Super Splasher.

  The demon's response to seeing them all there was not what Bucky expected. Instead of attacking them, he went back to his business even more furiously than before, his small middle legs pumping his bug wiener like he knew his mom was about to get home from work.