Chapter Four
Twelve Days to Christmas …
Emily
Emily woke up with a stinking hangover, relieved she’d decided to take the day off to finish her Christmas shopping.
Adam presented her with a cup of tea and a kiss before heading off to work.
‘What did I do to deserve you?’ she said, kissing him back.
Adam hugged her again and left, leaving Emily to doze until later, when, feeling a little less grim after a shower, she got dressed and went to the shops.
Despite the hangover, she was enjoying herself. Emily loved Christmas shopping. She revelled in the excited bustle of the shoppers, the cheesy Christmas music, and the festive lights. It made her feel nostalgic for her childhood, when Mum had always taken her to their local shopping centre to see Father Christmas. One day she hoped she’d be doing that for children of her own, although there was a lot to get through with Adam first. She’d never imagined getting to her mid-thirties and not being settled down with kids. But then she’d never imagined inheriting a 17-year-old stepson either, let alone one with Asperger’s who’d just lost his mother. To her relief, Joe seemed to accept Emily and like her, but despite him asking if she was his new mum Emily worried about how he would really take it if she did move in with him and Adam. Then she decided she couldn’t worry about it now. She would spend today focusing on the good stuff.
Emily loved the expectation and the thrill of finding something you knew the person you were buying for would like. She’d already bought her dad a new set of gardening gloves and a mat to kneel on for when he was tending his allotment. Despite being the youngest-behaving 65-year-old Emily knew, Dad had recently started to complain about backache when he was digging, so she hoped he’d appreciate the present. She was also on the lookout for some military history books for him, as he was an obsessive history buff.
Emily had agreed to cook Christmas dinner for Adam, Joe and Felicity this year, which neatly avoided the annual how-to-cope-with-the-latest-new-woman-in-Dad’s-life dilemma. Although Emily didn’t begrudge her dad his girlfriends – he had been on his own for a long time and she knew he got lonely – his tendency to entertain a different woman every year could get a bit exhausting. And it was often excruciating for both of them watching him behave like a lovesick teen, particularly as Emily knew, but his lady friends tended not to, that it wasn’t going to last.
So instead of Emily going to visit her dad, he was coming to them for an early Christmas the following weekend. Adam had suggested inviting Felicity too, to break the ice between her and Emily before Christmas Day. He seemed to think having a third party around would mean Felicity would have to be polite to Emily. Emily wasn’t totally convinced by the wisdom of this idea, particularly if Dad turned his silver-fox charm on Felicity, but at least it would give her a chance to get to know Felicity with an ally by her side.
She wandered into Waterstone’s where a group of small children was sitting around on bean bags entranced by a storyteller reading ’Twas the Night Before Christmas, and found what she was looking for. She also picked up a book on astronomy for Joe, who was obsessed with stars. Emily had never met him without having a long conversation about dark matter, the big bang theory and whether alien life existed. Adam had also set him up a little observatory in their loft, and it was not uncommon for Joe to drag one or other of them up there to see some obscure star Emily had never heard of and could barely make out. But it made Joe happy, and she loved Adam for going out of his way to do that for his son.
Emily mooched around for a bit, picking up a thriller for Adam, and a couple of picture books for her friend Lucy’s little girls, an adorable five and three. Lucy had been Emily’s best friend since their teens, so it seemed like a no-brainer to move near her when Graham had ditched her. Thanks to meeting Adam, despite all they’d faced in the last year, it had been one of the best decisions of Emily’s life. Particularly in the long lonely months after Livvy’s death, when Emily wasn’t sure that she and Adam even had a future any more, it had been great to have Lucy on hand offering support and wise advice.
Emily had arranged to meet Lucy for coffee today in Marks, as she was getting some last-minute bits while the children were at school and nursery. It had been a while since they’d seen each other, and Emily was looking forward to catching up on the gossip, and letting her know the latest with Adam. Lucy was one of the few people Emily had entrusted with the truth of her relationship.
Her friend came from a hugely dysfunctional family where people seemed to swap partners like it was going out of fashion – her mother was already on her third husband. Lucy’s mantra was: do no harm (although Emily felt guiltily that she hadn’t stuck to that one) and secondly: you can’t help who you fall in love with. This was very true. Emily had never intended to fall in love with Adam and, realizing the danger she was in early on, had tried to avoid him as much as possible. But then one night they’d met accidentally in a bar, and the goodnight kiss Adam had given her had turned into something more. They had both leapt back, apologetic, promising each other it couldn’t happen again, and Emily had deliberately avoided swimming for a few weeks. But they lived in a small town, and it was inevitable that they would run into one another occasionally. Despite their best efforts, Emily and Adam found themselves drawn together; they were both swept up in an emotion they could neither deny nor control, and Emily couldn’t be sorry. Adam was simply the best thing that had ever happened to her. Even though Livvy’s death had made their relationship more complicated, she was hoping that now with the anniversary out of the way, and Joe beginning to accept that Emily was part of Adam’s life, they could finally begin to build a future for themselves. Adam asking her to move in was a good start.
Emily found Lucy already sitting down at the table. Her 8-month-old baby, Amy, was asleep in the buggy. Lucy looked trim and energetic as ever, her dark hair tied in a neat ponytail, her smart jeans, jumper and jacket showing no evidence that she was dealing with a small baby twenty-four/seven. Emily had no idea how her friend managed three of them, but Lucy always made it look like a breeze.
‘How are things in the love nest?’ Lucy greeted Emily. It was a running joke.
‘Fine,’ Emily said, sitting down with her Americano. ‘Actually, more than fine. Adam’s asked me to move in.’
‘That’s brilliant.’ Lucy gave Emily a hug. ‘I’m so happy for you.’
‘Me too,’ said Emily. ‘Except that I made a bit of a tit of myself last night.’ She then proceeded to fill Lucy in on the events of the previous evening.
Lucy hooted with laughter. ‘You eejit,’ she said.
‘I know,’ said Emily. ‘Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. This thing with Adam …’
… ‘is very simple,’ said Lucy. ‘You love him, and he loves you. End of story.’
Emily grinned, Lucy always had the knack of making her feel better about life.
‘So you’re moving in, that’s exciting. How’s Joe about it?’ Lucy knew all about Joe. In her old life she had been a social worker, and was really helpful with advice about Joe’s condition.
‘Well, he did ask if I was going to be his new mum,’ said Emily.
‘Which is great, but …?’
‘But … it’s such a lot to take on. Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I don’t want to sound selfish. But how can I be a mother to Joe? I haven’t the experience and, from what Adam tells me, Livvy was amazing with him. He’s had to go through such a lot, and I don’t want to make things harder for him.’
‘That is perfectly understandable,’ said Lucy. ‘It’s a massive thing you’re doing. I’d take it one step at a time if I were you. And never try to be Joe’s best mate.’ She shuddered. ‘God, do you remember that awful woman my dad dated when I was fifteen? Kerry, I think her name was. She was constantly trying to take me out shopping and having girlie chats with me. It was excruciating.’
Emily grinned. ‘I can’t see me doing that
any time with Joe.’
‘There you are then,’ said Lucy. ‘So long as you show sensitivity and understanding it will all work out in the long run. And in the meantime you can use this Christmas as a testing ground. If you have a great time together, Joe is bound to be more relaxed with you.’
‘Oh yes, Christmas,’ said Emily with a grimace. ‘I’m really looking forward to being with Adam, but how on earth am I supposed to deal with the ex-mother-in-law?’
Emily was torn about Christmas. In the two years she and Adam had been seeing each other, she’d understood she couldn’t be with him at Christmas, particularly last year, but she’d longed for them to have time together. And now they had, but it came with Felicity attached. Much as she wanted to cuddle up to Adam under the mistletoe or next to the Christmas tree in the evening, she was dreading getting through the day itself.
‘It’ll be fine,’ Lucy said, a veteran of awkward family Christmases. ‘Just make sure everyone has enough to drink that they’re happy, but not too much to be emotional, and you’ll be OK.’
‘We’ve got Dad coming over this weekend, so we’re all meeting up then,’ Emily said. ‘With Dad there everyone has to at least be polite to each other.’
‘You’ll have to warn him off trying it on with Felicity,’ Lucy said, knowing Emily’s dad of old.
‘Oh he probably will,’ said Emily, ‘but at least it will take the heat off me.’
‘Goodness, is that the time?’ Lucy looked at her watch. ‘I’ve got to get Chloe from nursery. You won’t forget my Christmas drinks party will you?’
‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world,’ Emily said. Lucy’s Christmas drinks parties were legendary, but Graham had always been reluctant to go to them. One of many benefits of not being married to him any more was that Emily now could. She hugged Lucy goodbye, and watched her dash down the high street at breakneck speed, slightly envying her her chaotic family life and wondering wistfully how soon she and Adam would be in a position to have children of their own.
Emily carried on mooching around the shops, and then headed home. It was starting to sleet slightly and she hurried to get out of the cold. As she turned the corner to her street, Emily felt a sudden rush of cold air, and the weird unsettling feeling that someone was behind her, and then she slid slightly on the slippery pavement, tripping over and tumbling to the floor. She sat up slightly winded, but otherwise unhurt. The vague uneasy feeling that someone was there remained, and she had the distinct impression that something or someone had tripped her up. But when she looked down the street there was no one and nothing there.
Adam
Joe is sitting in the lounge watching TV when I come in from work a couple of days later. There is a delicious smell coming from the kitchen. Felicity, Livvy’s mum, is clearly cooking for us again. She comes over twice a week, to keep Joe company, she says, though I sometimes wonder if that’s true. I think she’s been lonely since her husband James died, and losing Livvy has been a further massive blow to her. I get the feeling it helps her to keep an eye on us, and make sure we eat. And heaven knows I’m grateful, particularly on nights like this evening when I have to work late.
‘Hi Dad,’ says Joe, then turns back to the screen. ‘I’m watching a programme about black holes. It’s awesome.’ Then he’s off explaining enthusiastically about supernovas and the expanding universe, and other things I don’t understand. I listen to him fondly. I love his space obsession. It’s been something that’s kept him focused and calm since he was a small kid. There’s something about the stars being both mutable and yet fixed in a pattern that he can relate to in a way that he can’t to a lot of other things in the world. He finds comfort in the darkness and vastness of space, which has been a great boon. ‘You should watch this, Dad, it’s great,’ says Joe, finishing his monologue.
‘I will, Joe, I promise,’ I say, as he switches back to what really interests him.
‘Is Granny here?’ I ask.
‘Yes,’ says Joe, barely looking up.
I go into the kitchen and brace myself for a lecture. I’ve only recently broken it to her that I am seeing someone else, and she’s been a bit sniffy about it, though she did agree that meeting up with Emily and her dad before Christmas was a good idea. Of course, it must be hard for her thinking I’ve found someone to replace her daughter, so I accept her negativity about it with good grace. Felicity has been great to us, and I love her very dearly. I would feel lousy if I’ve upset her – and even lousier if she ever found out the truth about when Emily and I got together.
‘Hi,’ I say and lightly peck her on the cheek. ‘That smells good.’
‘My special chicken stew,’ she says, smiling. She always looks so at home in the kitchen, and she’s an exceptionally good cook. ‘You boys need building up.’
Her favourite saying since Livvy died. She often used to do this when Livvy was alive, while never acknowledging the reason she needed to be here. The closest she ever came to speaking of it was to refer once or twice to ‘Livvy’s little problem’. Sometimes I used to wish we could talk about it honestly, rather than skirting around the issue with euphemisms. We both knew what Livvy’s ‘little problem’ was, but somehow it was easier to bury it under the carpet. I realize now that was wrong. If I had been more insistent about getting Livvy help, perhaps things would have been different. But on the few occasions I’d suggested it Livvy’s reaction had been explosive and I hadn’t pursued it. I did persuade her to go to counselling for a while, but she said it was a waste of time, and refused to discuss it further. And so I’d left it, drifting along, hoping things might somehow miraculously get better.
So much left unsaid and undone. It kills me that I can never change that.
Felicity turns to me, and says, ‘Tea? Or beer?’
‘Tea, please,’ I say. My head has been pounding all day from last night. I’m getting too old for drinking in the week.
‘Good,’ she says, ‘because I think we need to chat.’
I feel I know what is coming.
‘It’s about Joe,’ she says firmly, which is something of a surprise. I thought I was going to get a lecture. She shuts the kitchen door, which leads into the lounge, makes the tea and we both sit down. Outside a cold wind is rattling at the door. I really need to insulate this house properly.
‘He keeps saying he’s seen his mum,’ Felicity says. She betrays no emotion. In fact, as far as I know she’s barely cried since losing Livvy. She was like a rock at the funeral, when Joe and I were total messes. Felicity is such a stoical character, she would probably hate me to see her weakened by emotion. But she must feel it with her husband also gone. Joe and I are all she has left.
‘What? What do you mean, seen her?’
‘He says he was having coffee with Caroline, and she sat next to him and talked to him.’
This was new. I hadn’t known Joe had the capacity for that sort of imaginative leap.
‘I think it must be the fact it was the anniversary,’ says Felicity. ‘Maybe we ought to visit Livvy’s grave again. Help him find some closure. He also says he’s bought her a present. It’s lovely, of course, but I’m worried he hasn’t taken on board the fact she’s gone and isn’t coming back.’
‘What do you think we should do?’ I say. Felicity, much like her daughter was, is good at practical solutions.
‘More counselling, perhaps?’ Felicity says. She looks anxious and unsettled, not like herself at all. She always exudes such calm and confidence to the world. ‘It might help.’
‘It might,’ I say cautiously. Joe did have counselling after Livvy died, but I wasn’t convinced it helped him much. ‘It might be better if I tried talking to him first.’
Really, I’m freaked out. I hadn’t anticipated this reaction. I wish I knew an easy way to help my son.
‘There is something else.’ Felicity pulls a face. ‘And it’s a bit delicate.’
Ah, here we go.
‘It’s about your young lady,’ begins Felicity.
‘Emily, yes?’
‘Joe told me he’s asked her to be his mum.’
‘I know, and you probably feel it’s far too soon,’ I say, ‘and that with Joe still missing Livvy so much, it might complicate things for him, but we’ll take it slowly, I promise—’
‘I think you should go for it with Emily,’ says Felicity, to my surprise. ‘It might help him accept what’s happened. Emily being around won’t bring Livvy back. And I know how difficult it’s been for you.’
Her expression softens.
‘Livvy was my daughter, but she had her problems, and you were more understanding than most husbands would have been. And yes, I’d love to have the chance to meet Emily and her dad, thank you for inviting me.’
‘Felicity, I don’t know what to say.’ Whatever I’ve been expecting, it wasn’t this. I give her a huge hug. My relationship with my parents isn’t exactly brilliant – they’ve hardly been in contact since Livvy died, and have gone off on a cruise this Christmas. In many ways Felicity has been more of a mum to me than my own mum. My voice cracks slightly as I say, ‘Thanks for being so generous. I know this can’t be easy for you.’
‘Don’t say anything,’ Felicity says, her own voice choking slightly. ‘It’s not what I would have wanted, but it’s what it is. I can’t promise to like this Emily. And if Joe is upset by any of this, I’ll never forgive you, but let’s take it a day at a time.’
At that moment there is a huge gust of wind, and the back door blows open, gusting in the sleet. I get up to shut the door, and the lights go out.
Joe comes into the kitchen from the lounge.
‘Hello, Mum,’ he says.
Livvy
‘Joe,’ I say, ‘can you see me?’ He is staring right at me, and I feel like I might explode from the sudden wave of joy that hits me. It’s the happiest I’ve felt since I came to in the car park.
Make a Christmas Wish Page 7