Adam and Emily have got rid of Mum.
They said it was because Mum wanted to hurt Emily.
I don’t think Mum would hurt anyone.
She just wants us.
And I want her.
I don’t want to speak to Dad ever.
He has done a bad thing.
Tonight I looked up at the stars, and there was cloud. I couldn’t see Venus.
Where has Mum gone?
I thought she was coming back to us, but thanks to Dad we’ve lost her again.
I am very angry with Dad.
This is not a good thing.
I wish there was a way to get Mum back again.
Christmas Present
‘So everything going according to plan then?’ Malachi has found me mooching about the shops, as I’ve nowhere particularly to go.
‘Yes,’ I say, ‘this was part of the plan. They think I’ve gone for good, and I’ll come back to surprise them.’
‘Hmmph!’ Malachi twitches his tail in disgust. ‘And I suppose this is Letitia’s idea, is it?’
‘It might be.’ I’m not quite sure why I am so defensive when he mentions Letitia, but I get the feeling Malachi isn’t too impressed with her. He confirms this when he says, ‘Just be careful around Letitia, what she offers isn’t always the way it seems.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I ask. I’m sick of him being enigmatic.
‘Just that, Letitia’s style is unorthodox, and you’ve made a big mistake going there. She may promise you the world, but that’s not necessarily what you’ll get. And quite frankly you’ll deserve it. You should have listened to me.’
‘At least she’s prepared to help me get what I want,’ I say.
‘But is that what you need?’ says Malachi. ‘Getting what you want isn’t always the answer, you know.’
And with that, I’m back in Malachi’s cheery notion of what the present might look like. Months have gone by, and we’re in late summer. We’re having a barbecue at home, and Adam seems to have invited all his work crew. I am walking, but slowly. My right leg is still giving me gyp, but this is an improvement on my homecoming.
‘It’s so lovely to see you up and about at last,’ gushes Marigold. ‘I have to say I think you’ve been so brave.’
She’s all over me like a rash, and it’s a bit much, so I mumble an excuse and head for the kitchen. Adam is by the barbecue joking with his mates Dave and Phil, and for some reason I feel out of things. The last few months while I’ve been recovering have been tough, and I am aware that I’ve perhaps not always been fair on Adam. It’s a baking hot day, and Adam has made a big jug of Pimm’s, which looks inviting. I haven’t really been drinking much, I’ve been on so much medication, but finally I am turning a corner. What the hell – that deserves a celebration.
I am on my third glass of Pimm’s and in an animated conversation with one of the marketing guys at Adam’s work when Adam comes in.
‘Liv, shouldn’t you be taking it a bit easy?’ he says warningly.
‘Don’t be a spoilsport,’ I laugh. ‘It’s got more lemonade in it than alcohol.’
‘Yeah, while that depends on the quantities, doesn’t it?’ Adam’s tone is a bit sharp, and I look at him surprised.
‘Just remember what happened last time,’ he whispers in my ear, and with a jolt, I do. I’d decided having a drink on my birthday was a must, even though I was heavily medicated. As a result, the evening was a blur, I’d thrown up and Adam and I had a row.
‘I’ll be careful, I promise,’ I say, kissing him on the lips.
Is it my imagination, or does he flinch a little? Adam was amazing when I first had my accident, but lately I get the feeling he’s withdrawing from me slightly. I’m probably being paranoid, but it makes me uneasy.
I pour another glass of Pimm’s but put some extra lemonade in it just to appease him. I do that a couple more times, and then decide I need something a bit stronger, so switch to wine. By now the music is blaring, and people are beginning to dance.
‘Come on, Adam,’ I say, ‘let’s dance.’
‘Livvy,’ says Adam. ‘I’m not sure this is a good idea.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ I say, ‘I nearly died. I might never have walked again, I just want to live a little.’
So we dance for a bit, but the effort is quite exhausting, and my leg seems to be hurting quite a lot. I am determined to ignore it though, and top up my wine and keep going till the pain goes away. But it doesn’t, in fact it’s hurting like hell, and I have to sit it out for a bit, much to Adam’s relief.
I can’t think of anything else but the throbbing pain in my leg, and go upstairs to get some paracetamol. I look at them dubiously; from past experience, I know they’ll only just scratch the surface. So I go to the bathroom cabinet and dig out the really strong stuff I came back with from the hospital. I know technically you’re not supposed to take them with alcohol, but I’m sure one will be OK.
To my relief it works, and by the time I’m back downstairs, the pain is receding to a distant memory. I help myself to another glass of wine, and go out to join everyone in the garden. Except now I am feeling a little woozy. Adam is coming over to me with a concerned look in his eye that I know all too well. My chest is hammering, I feel sick as a dog, and the next thing I know the ground is rushing towards me.
I wake up to find a paramedic staring down at me. ‘What have you been taking?’ he says.
‘I only had one painkiller,’ I try to say but my words are slurring and I feel really terrible.
And then Joe is there looking really frightened, and Adam is looking at me so sadly it’s like a shot to the heart.
‘Oh Livvy,’ he says, ‘why do you keep doing this to yourself?’
Chapter Nineteen
Five Days till Christmas
Emily
‘This is it then?’ Emily walked gingerly into the house for the first time since the exorcism, carrying bags of Christmas presents. ‘She’s really gone?’
‘Seems to have,’ Adam said. ‘Come on, let’s get these under the tree, and start planning Christmas properly.’
‘Oh thank God,’ said Emily. She hugged Adam tightly, feeling the relief pouring off him. ‘There doesn’t seem any sign of her in my flat either. It was awful her being there. Like I was being spied on.’
Emily started taking presents out of the bags and arranging them round the tree. One of her favourite bits of Christmas, from when she was tiny, was seeing all the presents piled up – even now it gave her a happy thrill of expectation. The tree looked so lovely with the lights sparkling and the presents underneath. For the first time Emily allowed herself to feel a little bit Christmassy. She hadn’t dared before, although of course there was still one big hurdle to overcome.
‘How’s Joe?’ she said.
‘Still angry,’ sighed Adam. ‘But I’m sure he’ll come round.’
‘No, I won’t,’ said Joe from the door.
‘Hi Joe,’ Emily said brightly, hoping that his innate sense of politeness would win through, and Joe would at least acknowledge her, but to no avail.
‘I don’t talk to traitors,’ Joe said and walked past Emily into the kitchen. It would have been comical if it weren’t so upsetting.
‘Joe,’ Emily followed him into the kitchen, ‘this isn’t your dad’s fault.’
‘He sent Mum away,’ said Joe, glowering. ‘You both did. She only wanted to talk to us.’
‘I know.’ Emily sat down at the table. ‘And if there was another way, I wish we could have found it.’
‘She wants to be with me and Dad,’ said Joe.
Emily sighed.
‘I realize that, but Joe, she wasn’t behaving in a very nice way.’
Joe just shrugged his shoulders and said nothing. Emily was about to give up and then Joe said, ‘I miss Mum. I wish she could come back.’
He looked so sad Emily’s heart bled for him. Joe was so self-contained it was hard to remember sometimes
that he was only 17 and now he’d lost his mother twice.
‘I know,’ Emily said, and touched his hand lightly. Knowing how he hated physical contact it was a relief Joe didn’t push her away. ‘This has been very difficult for you, Joe, I understand that. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you.’
‘You can’t,’ said Joe bleakly, ‘no one can.’
‘I know you’re angry with us,’ Emily said carefully, ‘but please, Joe, blame me, if you have to blame someone. Don’t be too hard on your dad. It is Christmas, and he’s trying his best.’
Joe looked up then.
‘I don’t blame you, Emily,’ he said. ‘Are you still coming for Christmas?’
‘If that’s OK with you?’
‘Yeah,’ said Joe. ‘It’s OK with me.’
And then he took his coffee upstairs and went to play some video game.
It wasn’t much, but it was a start.
Adam
From the design studio, Paul McCartney is blaring out that he’s having a wonderful Christmas time. Only the weekend to go, and then Christmas will be upon us. The office is beginning to thin out as people start taking their holiday. And there’s a distinct feeling of everyone downing tools and not taking anything at all seriously. People are chatting about their Christmas plans, and stressing about everything from present buying to whether they should leave it to Christmas Eve to buy a half-price turkey in Marks. I envy them the normality of their lives. I would do anything for the sole stress in my life to be whether or not I was going to get my turkey on time.
I’m working up to the day before Christmas Eve, and have still got a lot to get through. Normally I’d be chafing at the bit to leave the office as soon as I can. But this year, being at work is a great distraction from the craziness at home.
Things are no better between me and Joe, and he’s still not talking to me. The atmosphere at home is tense and difficult; I don’t know how to get through to him. All he does is grunt at me. He has at least forgiven Emily, which is something. I think Joe’s rationale is that it wasn’t Emily’s choice to exorcize Livvy, but mine; therefore, I am to blame.
Maybe he’s right. I am not sure I made the right choice. Seeing Emily so upset after Livvy had left her those messages was what swung the decision for me. It seemed like whatever we did, Livvy was going to make things harder for us. But now Livvy’s gone, I feel an emptiness inside, worse than when she first died. At least when she was haunting us, there was a chance that I could make things right with her. Now she is beyond my reach, and I’ll never properly get the chance to say I’m sorry. Joe’s right to be angry with me.
I’m working on some spreadsheets in a desultory fashion when the computer freezes. I tap alt control delete to no avail. Surely not? A cold chill goes down my spine. How can she be back?
A message appears on the screen.
You didn’t think you’d get rid of me that easily did you?
Followed by:
Too right you should be sorry.
Livvy
The look on Adam’s face when I take over his computer again is priceless. The colour drains from him and he starts frantically tapping keys as if to expunge me from his system. I helpfully turn the computer off, just so he can be sure it’s me. And then, assured he’s freaked out, I head back to Underworld feeling gleeful. I could have been a bit kinder I suppose, but he did try to exorcize me, and I’m still pretty miffed about it.
I go and seek out DJ Steve and Letitia. I’m feeling triumphant that it was so easy to rattle Adam again. Little does he know what Letitia has planned for him. Despite Malachi’s obscure warnings, I’m glad I went to her for help. It’s thanks to Letitia I’ve not been permanently consigned to my grave before I’m ready. The potion she gave me certainly did the trick. There’s a whiff of danger about her that worries me a little, but I don’t want to question her methods too deeply. Whatever she did, it worked, and I’m still here, something I’m not sure Malachi would have achieved, though it is extremely annoying that I can’t get in the house any more, nor can I get to Emily. I’m even crosser with her than I was. I mean, did she have to go all wussy on me? Without that, Adam would never have suggested the exorcism. I still feel like I’ve been kicked around the playground. Letitia’s potion might have worked, but Dave’s spell didn’t half pack a punch.
The point is that Emily is supposed to be the one beating a hasty retreat, not me. She’s meant to be giving Adam up so I can have him, not going round with Christmas presents so they can get all loved up (I watched her from the road, I’d have tripped her up if I could, but all my powers have been reduced after the exorcism).
I know it’s a bit of an inconvenience, what with me being dead and all, and the alternative timeline Malachi’s been showing me isn’t exactly optimistic, but I still think there’s a chance for me to sort things out with Adam. Otherwise what has been the point of me hanging around here for a year? I know I haven’t been able to get through to Adam as a ghost, but Letitia’s offering me the chance to come back properly. I really don’t want to screw it up.
‘So, lady, you ready to up the ante?’ asks Letitia in that strong Southern drawl.
‘I certainly am,’ I say. ‘Adam knows I’m still around now, so it’s time to show him what he’s missing.’
‘And you’re sure you’re ready for the next step?’
Letitia regards me rather as a snake assesses its prey. There’s a hint of menace in her voice and the sense of unease returns. What do I know about her really? Perhaps I should think about this some more. Then I picture Adam curled up in front of the fire with Emily, in my house, playing happy families, and I think however risky it is to do what Letitia suggests, it will be worth it.
‘I’m sure,’ I say. I feel confident now. Adam is missing me. I felt it when I stood by his computer. He’s regretting casting me out. I can work on that, and remind him of what we had. I pushed him into Emily’s arms once, now it’s time to pull him back out of them.
‘But just to warn you,’ says Letitia, ‘my power only extends so far.’
‘Meaning?’
‘There’s a time limit. This is a special time of year, so you get longer than most, but you can’t hang around indefinitely. You have until Christmas Eve to win Adam back or you’ve lost him forever.’
That sounds a bit extreme.
‘And then what happens?’
‘Why, you stay here,’ says Letitia.
I look around Underworld. I suppose if the worst comes to the worst that wouldn’t be too bad. At least I’d have DJ Steve to talk to.
‘That’s about the size of it,’ says Letitia. ‘Are you still prepared to take the risk?’
I swallow hard. Am I risking too much to be with Adam and Joe? But then my resolve hardens. I can do this, I know I can.
‘Sure as I’ll ever be,’ I say with a confidence I don’t entirely feel.
‘There may be unintended consequences,’ warns Letitia.
‘Consequences be damned,’ I say.
Chapter Twenty
Adam
‘So she hasn’t gone?’ Emily looks at me incredulously. ‘After all that.’
I came straight round to Emily’s flat after work to talk to her about the computer incident, and now we’re sitting in her kitchen over a cup of coffee trying to take on board what has happened. I still can’t get my head around it. Father Dave sent Livvy packing from the house, we all saw it, so how can she still be here?
‘Apparently not,’ I sigh. ‘I suppose it was too good to be true.’
Emily stares gloomily at her coffee.
‘Trust me to get the boyfriend with the dead haunty wife,’ she says.
‘It’s not my fault!’ I find myself snapping at her. Lack of sleep for the last week, combined with stress, are getting to me. I am exhausted and wrung out with all of this. Now what does Livvy want?
‘I know,’ says Emily, reaching for my hand, ‘and I was only joking.’
‘Perhaps the exorc
ism has partially worked; Livvy hasn’t been at home or at your place. Maybe she’s limited in her access to us now.’
‘Could be,’ says Emily. ‘Who knows how things on the Other Side work? Christ … how mad does that sound? I didn’t even believe there was an Other Side till recently.’
‘There are a lot of things I’ve changed my mind about recently too,’ I say. ‘But you know what, if Livvy can’t get to us at home, why don’t we just assume she’s not going to ruin Christmas and carry on as normal.’
‘Good luck with that,’ says Emily, raising an eyebrow.
‘Do you have to be so negative?’ I say, irritated. ‘I’m clutching at straws here. We could at least try to hope for the best.’
‘And do you have to be so stupid?’ snaps Emily. ‘Livvy is not going to let go till she’s got rid of me. She hates me. You saw those messages.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ I protest, though I know it sounds a bit weak. ‘It’s me she’s angriest with. Knowing Livvy, she’s probably even crosser now I’ve tried to exorcize her. Like Joe said, I should have listened to her.’
‘Listen to what?’ says Emily. ‘Her poisoning you against me?’
‘Emily, don’t be ridiculous,’ I say. This is getting us nowhere. ‘You can’t be jealous of a ghost.’
‘I’m not being ridiculous,’ says Emily. ‘Livvy wants me out of your life.’
‘To be fair, I can understand why,’ I say.
‘Great,’ says Emily. ‘Now you’re not going to take responsibility for this, I suppose. We did this to her, Adam. We did. And Livvy hates us for it, and wants to punish us. Particularly me. Don’t you see?’
‘No,’ I say angrily. ‘I just see you’re being paranoid, and Livvy has a point.’
‘Oh there’s no talking sense to you!’
We stare at each other in hostility.
‘I don’t want to discuss this any further,’ I say. ‘I’m going home.’
And with that I walk out of the flat. It’s sleeting slightly as I storm off down the road, and I’m cold and damp by the time I’m halfway home. I feel churned up and miserable. It’s the first proper row Emily and I have ever had and I was rotten to her. I shouldn’t have taken my frustrations out like that.
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