‘You’ve been so brave, Livvy,’ Marigold reaches over and grabs my arm, ‘and you don’t deserve this.’
‘Marigold—’ I say warningly but she ploughs on.
‘The thing is, Livvy,’ she says, ‘Adam’s having an affair.’
‘If you’re trying to prove to me that it’s inevitable that Adam and Emily are going to end up together, it’s not going to work,’ I say defiantly. ‘All you’ve done is shown me how much I need to do this.’
‘Your time here is up,’ says Malachi patiently. ‘That’s what I keep trying to tell you. Don’t do this, Livvy, please.’
I pause for a minute. It’s almost as if Malachi is begging me. But then I think about the alternative.
‘Sorry, Malachi,’ I say. ‘It’s my life and it’s what I want.’
Defiantly I tip the phial’s contents into my mouth and I swallow Letitia’s potion.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Three Days till Christmas
Livvy
The potion is fiery and makes me fizzle with delight – much better than the vodka they serve in Underworld. I feel a weird buzzing sensation go through me. The world shifts slightly on its axis, and for a moment I feel woozy, as if I am about to faint. And then there’s … nothing. Absolutely nothing has happened. I am standing here, just the same as ever. I am crushed with disappointment.
I march out of the garden, determined to go back to Underworld and demand answers, when I hit the fence. What? Why can’t I go through?
And then I realize – I can feel my feet. I can actually feel my feet, which are cold and damp from the snow. I look at my hands, and gasp. They’re real and solid again.
Letitia’s potion has worked.
I’m back.
It is damned cold out here though. I had forgotten what cold felt like when I no longer had a body, but now it’s seeping into my bones from having made the snow angels. I’m still dressed in the clothes I died in. Unlike this winter, last winter was very mild. So though I’m wearing a fleece and jeans, I’ve only got a thin top underneath it. And my fleece is very damp.
‘Time to see who’s right,’ I say to Malachi with a determination I don’t totally feel. Maybe Adam won’t be quite so delighted to see me as I am hoping he will. But faint heart never won fair prince. Or something. Ignoring Malachi’s tut of disapproval, I march up to the back door and bang loudly on it.
There’s no reply. Maybe they went back to bed after they saw my message. Tentatively I try the handle and the door opens.
I go into the kitchen, and to my disappointment find no one there. But I’m actually properly in my kitchen. I stop for a moment to marvel that I can touch the rough wooden surfaces of our vintage kitchen; run my finger along the top of the new Belling cooker we bought a year before I died; sit down at the old rickety table where I have had so many family meals. This is the house of our dreams; the house we brought Joe into as a baby. I am really back. And I know that I can make things right and we can be happy again.
‘Hello?’ I call. ‘Anyone there?’
And then it’s as if an electric shock has gone through me. Adam is standing in the doorway, looking as he always did. It’s as though I’m seeing him for the first time. I take in the fair hair with the slightest hint of grey, the piercing blue eyes, and the ready smile. He is wearing black jeans and a hoody. He’s even lovelier in the flesh than I remember. I had forgotten how much he made my heart sing. He takes my breath away, and I have to resist the urge to throw myself into his arms. Because much as it goes against the grain to say so, Adam doesn’t look all that pleased to see me.
He’s gone white as a sheet, as if he can’t quite believe what he’s seeing.
Oh my gorgeous Adam. How I’ve missed you. Please, I plead with him silently, please remember how it was.
‘Adam,’ I say tentatively.
‘Christ!’ He looks at me in horror, which is not quite the response I’m after. ‘Livvy, is that really you?’
Adam
Shock doesn’t cover it.
Of all the strange things that have happened in the last few weeks this has to be the strangest. Far from having got rid of Livvy, she seems to be standing in my kitchen, looking very much alive.
I can barely take it in … but she looks amazing. Her auburn hair is damp and curly from the snow. Her green eyes light up mischievously as she takes in my shock. It’s definitely Livvy, and she looks so stunning I am reminded for a moment of how she was when we first met.
How can she even be here though? I am at a loss for words.
‘Livvy,’ I manage to stutter eventually, ‘but we—’
‘Exorcized me?’ says Livvy with a faintly devilish smile. ‘That was really very unkind.’
‘You shouldn’t have tried to hurt Emily,’ I say.
‘Oh Adam!’ she says impatiently. ‘I was just trying to frighten her and get your attention. What do you think I am?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘Dead, actually.’
‘Please,’ she shudders, ‘don’t remind me.’
She looks like Livvy. She sounds like Livvy. It is Livvy. And suddenly it seems incredible that she should be standing in front of me. I’m overcome with a weird kind of joy, that I can actually see her. That she is here, reminding me painfully of how lovely she is. I have no idea how or why. All I know is I finally have the opportunity to talk to her about everything that has happened. Maybe we can put the past behind us once and for all.
I walk towards her.
‘Dead or not,’ I say, ‘Liv, it really is good to see you.’
It’s as I put my arms around her that Emily chooses to walk in.
Emily
Emily was just coming downstairs, when she heard voices in the kitchen. Knowing that Joe was ensconced in his room, she wondered who Adam could be talking to. She hadn’t heard the doorbell ring. When she entered the kitchen Emily got the shock of her life.
‘Adam, what the—?’ Adam was in the kitchen giving someone a hug. Not just someone – Livvy. Livvy who was supposed to be a ghost. Livvy who Emily thought they’d got rid of. Livvy. She was standing in Adam’s kitchen, looking alive and well, as if she hadn’t been dead for a whole year. Emily stood rooted to the spot, not able to take in what was happening. Livvy was dead. Emily had been to the funeral, visited her grave with Adam, been haunted by her! How could she possibly be here?
Adam leaped back looking guilty, and the paranoia and jealousy that Emily had felt the previous day returned in spades. Livvy looked like the cat that had got the cream. Emily was suddenly overcome with a burning hatred. Till that moment she hadn’t known she hated Livvy at all. But she really did. Livvy had caused Adam endless misery when she was alive, and been nothing but grief as a ghost. Now she was clearly here to make trouble. Waves of anger were spilling out of Emily. How could Livvy be alive? What did she want from them?’
‘Hello Emily,’ said Livvy, with a sweet smile that made Emily want to slap her. ‘This is quite awkward. I don’t expect you thought you’d see me again.’
‘No I didn’t,’ said Emily. ‘What do you want, Livvy?’
‘What do you think I want?’ said Livvy. ‘I’ve come to get my husband and son back. What are you planning to do about it?’
Emily looked at Adam, who was looking awkward, as well he might, and then at Livvy. She was looking very superior, as if she had the upper hand. Emily wasn’t going to let this go without a fight.
‘I guess Adam has a choice in this,’ she said.
Adam looked even more uncomfortable. Emily might have felt sorry for him, if she hadn’t been so angry.
‘Emily, this doesn’t change anything,’ he said.
‘Yes it does,’ she said. ‘It changes everything.’
Chapter Twenty-Three
Emily
‘Emily,’ Adam said slowly, ‘it really changes nothing. But right now, I need to talk to Livvy. Alone.’
Emily felt a shock of disappointment go through her. She sagged back a
gainst the door.
‘You want me to go?’ She was stunned. Apart from her wobble the previous night, she hadn’t thought for a minute in the last year that Adam was sorry for what had happened between them. But right now he looked really sad, as if she was the last person he wanted to be around. Her previous paranoia returned in a rush. Dealing with Livvy as a ghost was one thing; Emily felt sure she could stand that kind of competition. But could Adam really resist the temptations of a living breathing Livvy? Adam was a decent and kind man; it wouldn’t surprise Emily at all if Livvy could work on his guilt and manipulate her way back into his life.
‘No. Yes. I don’t know.’ Adam clearly didn’t know what to do or say.
‘It’s OK,’ said Emily.
Livvy almost purred with triumph. Emily choked back her tears as she realized she was losing Adam, right now, in front of her eyes. The man she loved was making a choice, and all too clearly he wasn’t choosing her.
Part of Emily wanted to shout and scream, but she was conscious that Joe was next door. Besides she didn’t think it would help. The best she could do for now was retire gracefully, though inside she was fuming and, quite frankly, incredulous. How the hell had Livvy done it? They had exorcized her. Father Dave had told them there was no way Livvy could come back to the house. And yet she was here in the flesh. It didn’t seem either fair or right. Wasn’t there some kind of ghost council they could turn to and demand answers from? How did you get a ghost to stay dead, or bugger off back to where they belonged? Emily had never planned to be part of a ménage à trois, particularly not with a dead rival who’d inconveniently come back to life.
‘So I’ll go then.’
‘Yes,’ said Adam. ‘I think it’s best.’
He couldn’t take his eyes off Livvy. It was as though Emily didn’t exist.
Slowly she walked away.
‘This isn’t over, Livvy,’ Emily hissed. ‘Not by a long chalk.’
‘We’ll see,’ said Livvy smugly. ‘Let the best woman win.’
And then Emily fled the house. Adam didn’t even seem to notice, which made her feel even worse. She walked home in the snow, tears blurring her vision. She had wronged Livvy, it was true, but it was no one’s fault that Livvy had died. It didn’t seem right that now Livvy had the chance to reclaim her husband. But Emily wasn’t married to Adam. And Emily didn’t own him. Livvy did.
Adam
Livvy smiles when Emily leaves, and I suddenly feel trapped.
‘What the hell happens now?’
‘Now we have a nice cup of tea, and a chat,’ says Livvy.
‘You can drink tea?’ I say. ‘Can ghosts normally drink tea?’
‘I’ve got a body again, in case you hadn’t noticed,’ says Livvy. ‘And ever since I died I’ve been desperate for a cuppa.’
In a fog I go and put the kettle on, and we sit down and face each other across the table. It seems utterly weird having her in our kitchen again, as if the past year hasn’t happened. I feel slightly claustrophobic. I have got used to life without Livvy, used to not worrying about what state I’m going to find her in. What if all that starts again? And what about Joe? I know he’ll be happy to have his mum back, but her behaviour affected him too. I don’t want her to put him through it all again.
‘What do you want?’ I say eventually.
‘You,’ says Livvy simply.
‘Livvy,’ I say. ‘It’s been a year. So much has happened. I don’t know how you’re back, but everyone thinks you’re dead! Besides, don’t you remember? How bad it was?’
I think back to the last couple of years of our marriage. We were barely speaking, and Livvy was scarcely ever sober. I was constantly on tenterhooks at work, waiting for another phone call from Joe to tell me that he’d got home from school and couldn’t wake Livvy up, or that she’d been picked up drunk-driving. How she kept hold of her licence I’ll never know, and I used to confiscate the car keys when I could, but somehow she was always one up on me and managed to find them again. It was a miracle she never had an accident. We had countless rows about it, and about the state she got herself into, but Livvy would never admit she had a problem. Our life together was hell.
‘I know,’ she says, and suddenly she looks vulnerable. ‘And I’m sorry, I really am. I made a mess of things, but Adam –’ she reaches over and takes my hand. Hers feels warm, human, alive, I have a sudden flash to a memory of days when just to touch her was a thrill, just to be with her made my heart overflow with love – ‘remember the good times? We had something special once. Surely we can find it again.’
‘Livvy, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry we never got to say goodbye. But we can’t turn the clock back, pretend none of the bad stuff happened,’ I say. ‘I don’t see how this can work. I mean, I know you’re here right now, and I don’t think I’m hallucinating. I identified your body. I buried you and cried for weeks. You’re dead, Livvy. Even apart from the fact I love Emily, you’re dead. How the hell do we tell everyone you’re alive again?’
‘We’ll find a way. Adam please,’ she says. ‘I just want to put things right.’
‘So do I,’ I say, and mean it. ‘But that doesn’t mean I want to be married to you. You do know that, don’t you?’
Livvy
There’s a long pause. That’s not exactly what I want to hear, but it’s early days. He’s still in shock. I have to work my magic on him, that’s all.
‘Well this is bloody maudlin,’ I say. ‘Why don’t we do something fun instead?’
‘Like what?’ says Adam, looking suspicious.
‘Let’s get Joe, and go sledging on the hill.’
Joe … I suddenly get a stab of worry. I’ve assumed he’ll be happy to see me; I couldn’t bear it if he reacts the way Adam has.
‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea, I’ve got to go to work for starters,’ begins Adam, but I ignore him. It’s time to show him the old Livvy. The one he fell in love with, who was full of fun and hare-brained schemes. We had such good times together in the early days of our relationship. Adam has a tendency to be strait-laced, and I loosened him up. I made him go rock climbing and bungee jumping; he always said I brought out the best in him, and I know he brought out the best in me. He needs to be reminded of how good it was, how good it could still be.
‘Joe,’ I call, ‘Joe, where are you?’
I am not quite sure what reaction I will get, but my heart is bursting with love as he walks in the room.
And there he is, my lovely son, properly near me for the first time in a year. His face is wreathed with smiles, and unlike Adam and Emily he takes my presence entirely in his stride.
‘I knew you weren’t gone,’ Joe says, his smile growing even wider. I haven’t seen that smile on his face for a very long time. It makes me feel immensely glad to be alive again. Even if Adam isn’t on board yet, Joe is thrilled I’m here. That’s a good start: if I work on Joe, I’m sure he can work on Adam.
‘Mum’s back, Dad,’ he says happily. ‘I told you.’
‘Yes, Joe, you did,’ says Adam.
‘Shall we go sledging, Joe?’ I say.
‘OK,’ says Joe, as if it’s perfectly normal for your dead mother to turn up at breakfast and demand you go out in the snow. I love him more in that one moment than I ever have done.
Adam looks like he’s been hit over the head by a blunt instrument, but Joe’s totally onside. Adam reluctantly fetches me a huge scarf and an odd hat – it’s almost like he doesn’t want anyone to recognise me, while Joe rushes out to the garage and finds the sledge where it’s been stored for several years. Last time it snowed, Adam was at work, and I wasn’t up to taking Joe out. It was my own fault. I’d gone for lunch with Miranda before he came home from school. I wasn’t going to drink, because I knew Joe wanted me to take him sledging, but Miranda persuaded me to have a spritzer. And when I got home it just seemed so easy to help myself to another glass of wine. The afternoon had disappeared after that, and I was vaguely aware that at some p
oint Joe had come in and gone out again. It wasn’t till I was woken by a knock on the door, and a bedraggled-looking Joe was standing there looking cold and hungry, that I realized he’d walked five miles on his own to go sledging, because I couldn’t be bothered to take him. It was one of the worst moments of my life. No wonder Adam looked elsewhere. I can see now what a nightmare I was.
But this time, it’s going to be different. I’ve got the chance to prove to them both I’m the wife and mother they deserve, and I am determined to embrace it fully.
Despite Adam’s misgivings, we have a great time sledging. I’ve persuaded him to go into work late, ‘After all it’s not every day your wife comes back from the dead is it?’ I say and Adam just nods. I think he has surprised himself and had a good time. The hill is full of families having fun. The snow has been so heavy, hardly anyone has gone to work today. And there are dads pulling little ones on toboggans and teenagers in onesies making massive snowballs and rolling them down the hill.
I insist on going on the sledge with Joe, who only winces a little when I put my arms around him. I feel full of zest and enthusiasm, it is great to be alive, and I am having the best time.
When Joe eventually has enough, we pile into a sweet little café and have hot chocolate and doughnuts. Even Adam is laughing. He hasn’t laughed since I’ve been back on the scene. It makes me feel warm all over. I can do this, I know I can. Come Christmas Eve, Adam is going to be mine.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Adam
Despite my misgivings, I actually enjoy myself. For a brief moment I can see as I sit here in the café – with Joe and his hot chocolate and marshmallows just the way he likes it, looking deeply content, and Livvy, looking alive and beautiful just as she used to – that there could be a possibility that life could be good again.
Make a Christmas Wish Page 21