‘You’re Emily’s mum,’ I say, feeling more than a little awkward.
‘I am,’ she says. ‘And if you do the right thing, I can finally let her go.’
I take a deep breath. ‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘You’re right, and I’m sorry.’
‘We all make mistakes,’ says Emily’s mum, ‘it’s what we do about them that counts.’
And with that she’s gone, and I sit mulling it over for a while, staring out of the window, and then it hits me with sudden clarity. She’s right. And Malachi’s been right all along. I’ve been looking at this the wrong way round. I need to get back to Adam now.
Adam
Livvy has gone out again. God knows where. I managed to get out of her there’s some underground bar for ghosts underneath the local theatre, where she had one too many vodkas. Apparently it’s where all the ghosts at the seance came from, which seems no more unlikely than anything else happening right now. Even having ghosts partying in my house seemed normal.
Joe and I are trying to sort Christmas dinner out for tomorrow. I’m tackling the potatoes and Joe is peeling carrots. I don’t think either of our hearts are in it.
‘Is Emily ever coming back?’ It’s the hundredth time Joe’s asked me that.
‘No, I’m pretty sure she isn’t,’ I say, feeling leaden. I’m not sure I can bear it. Over and over again, it’s like a litany in my head: Emily’s gone.
‘I didn’t mean that to happen,’ Joe says.
He gives me an awkward pat on the shoulder. How times change. This time last year, I was comforting him. Now it’s the other way round.
‘I know, Joe. It doesn’t matter.’
Of course it matters hugely, but I don’t want him blaming himself. In Joe’s world it seems entirely reasonable that Emily and I could still be friends. I know I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as her, and not be with her. Besides, Livvy wouldn’t put up with it.
Joe looks very thoughtful.
‘How can we get Emily to come back?’ he asks.
‘We can’t, Joe,’ I say.
‘Oh, yes we can.’ I start. Livvy is standing in the doorway.
‘I’ve got it all wrong,’ she says. ‘All this time I thought I had been given a second chance to put things right with you two, by being back as a family again. But now I know I was barking up the wrong tree. I’ve had my chance. It’s time to let you go.’
Joe looks perplexed.
‘What do you mean, Mum?’
‘I mean,’ she says, ‘my time with you was up a year ago. I’ve been kidding myself.’
‘But Mum …’ Tears rise in Joe’s eyes. ‘I want you here.’
‘Oh Joe,’ Livvy goes over to our son and holds his face in her hands, ‘you are the most precious thing in my life. I love you and I don’t want to let you go, but I have to. It’s the right thing to do.’
She kisses him on the top of the head, and says, ‘But I will always be with you. Remember our special star? Every day and every evening, you look for that star, Joe, and know that I am looking out for you and always will.’
‘Mum,’ says Joe, ‘oh Mum.’ And he lets her hold him as he sobs his heart out.
I am staggered; I wasn’t expecting this. And I’m touched; I know the sacrifice Livvy is making.
‘Now dry your eyes, Joe,’ she says eventually. ‘You don’t want Emily to go, do you?’
‘No,’ he says.
‘Then we have to stop her leaving,’ says Livvy.
Joe’s Notebook
Mum says she’s got things wrong.
She says she wants Dad to be with Emily.
And she has to go back.
To wherever she’s been.
I am happy and sad at the same time.
I love my mum.
I miss my mum.
I wanted her back.
But then bad stuff happened.
It has been confusing.
But Mum says this is what she has come back to do.
So that’s good.
Christmas Future
‘So, finally she understands.’ Malachi has just popped through the non-existent cat flap, while Adam frantically tries to text Emily. He doesn’t seem to have noticed we have a black cat in our kitchen.
‘There’s no need to say I told you so,’ I say. ‘At least you got what you want.’
I think about the enormity of what I’m doing. I’ve taken Letitia’s potion and now I’m going to be stuck in limbo forever, which is not something that is filling me with joy. But I know I’ve finally worked out the reason why I couldn’t pass on in the first place, and at last I’m doing the right thing.
‘Let me show you the benefit of your actions,’ Malachi says, ignoring me.
We’re back in the other house, the one that’s bigger than this one. Emily is tucking two excited children into bed, a boy and a girl. They must be about two and four. The little boy looks a lot like Adam, and the girl like Emily. They’re laughing as they put their stockings out.
‘Are Granny Felicity, Grandad, Joe and Caroline coming tomorrow?’ they ask as Emily tucks them in.
‘Of course,’ says Emily. ‘It wouldn’t be Christmas without them, would it? Now lights out.’
‘Will Santa come soon?’ they say.
‘Sssh,’ says Emily. ‘Go to sleep. Santa only comes to good children.’
She carefully closes the bedroom door, where Adam is waiting for her. They smile conspiratorially at one another as they tiptoe down the stairs and start gathering presents to go in stockings.
Emily fetches some flour and puts it by the fireplace and makes footprints on the carpet. Adam eats the mince pie that the children have left for Santa and sips the sherry. With a pang I notice a picture of me with Joe on the fireplace. It feels good to know I won’t be forgotten.
‘It’s silly but I’m so excited,’ says Emily. ‘Olivia was too little to join in the fun last year.’
Wait, they’ve named their daughter after me? I enjoy a small glow of warmth. It reassures me that somehow I’ll be remembered. And I’m touched.
‘Me too,’ says Adam, and kisses her. ‘It’s going to be a perfect Christmas.’
Emily squeezes him.
‘I love you so much,’ she says.
‘I love you too,’ says Adam.
The scene fades and I find I am crying. For the first time I’m not jealous of Emily.
This is the way it has to be.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Christmas Eve
Adam
‘This isn’t some kind of sick joke, is it?’ I say warily. I wouldn’t put it past Livvy to say, ‘Surprise! Just kidding.’
But she stares at me looking really unhappy.
‘Do you think so little of me?’ she says. She looks defeated and sad, the way she did when Joe was little and she was battling to get help for him against an often indifferent system.
‘No, of course I don’t.’
‘But you don’t love me any more, do you?’
I take a deep breath.
‘Livvy, you’re the mother of my child …’
I trail off, not quite knowing how to say what I must.
‘But?’
‘Oh Livvy,’ I say, ‘I know at the end everything got really messed up, but it wasn’t all bad. We had such good times before it went wrong. And once upon a time, we were madly, foolishly in love and I’ll always be grateful for that. It’s just as much my fault as yours. If I’d been able to see you weren’t coping, if I’d reached out more, maybe things would have turned out differently.’
‘But they didn’t, did they?’ says Livvy sadly. ‘I know I didn’t make it easy, but I’ve never stopped loving you.’
‘I know,’ I say, ‘and I will always love you too, Livvy. You gave me Joe. How can I ever be sorry about that? You’re part of my life and always will be. But no, I’m not in love with you any more.’
Livvy exhales a shaky breath.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says. ‘I’m sorry I d
idn’t do the decent thing and die properly. I’m sorry I’ve come back and caused you all this trouble. I wanted to make things right between us, but all I’ve succeeded in doing is making things worse.’
She gives me a watery grin.
‘I can’t even get being dead right,’ she continues. ‘I should never have tried to find you again.’
‘Oh Livvy, don’t say that.’ I take her into my arms and hold her tight. Really hold her, remembering the times we just used to hug and comfort each other on the tough days with Joe. ‘I’m sorry too. I never meant to fall in love with Emily and hurt you. It just happened. I felt terrible about it, and then when you died, and you had sent me that text …’ My voice trails off.
‘That must have been really hard for you,’ she says.
I nod. I feel choked up.
‘I wanted so much to say sorry for all the pain I caused you. And I couldn’t. And I felt like I’d let Joe down.’
‘But if I hadn’t died, you wouldn’t have come back to me, would you?’
‘No,’ I say, ‘I wouldn’t.’
She pulls away from me, and dries her eyes.
‘I think that’s what I needed to hear,’ she says. ‘I pushed you away, Adam. My behaviour to you was appalling at times. It’s more my fault than yours.’ She takes a deep breath and goes on, ‘So now we have to sort this out. I’ve one thing to do, and maybe this time I’ll get it right.’
‘Joe, have you any idea what time Emily’s train is leaving?’ I ask.
Joe shrugs his shoulders.
‘Emily’s dad might know,’ I say, and give him a ring.
‘Adam.’ Kenneth sounds surprised to hear from me. ‘Is everything all right?’
‘I hope so,’ I say. ‘Emily’s not answering her phone and I need to get hold of her. Do you know what time train she’s getting.’
‘I think she said she’s getting a train at seven,’ he says. ‘She said she’ll call me when she’s on it. Do I take it from this that Emily might not be coming to me for Christmas after all?’
‘With any luck,’ I say. ‘And if I manage to get her back here, you could come and join us.’
‘And meet the delightful Felicity again? I wouldn’t miss it for the world,’ says Kenneth. ‘I’m glad you two youngsters are trying to sort it out. I knew Emily was making a mistake.’
I check my watch; it’s 5 p.m.
‘We might just catch her before she leaves,’ I say. She’s still not answering her phone, but perhaps if we race round to her flat we’ll make it in time. My heart is singing.
It’s time to go and get the girl.
Emily
Emily arrived at the station in plenty of time. The meeting with Livvy had really shaken her up, and she decided she couldn’t stay around a minute longer. The station was busy, and judging by the backpacks and suitcases most people were heading home for Christmas like she was. Emily pressed her Oyster card on the ticket barrier, but it didn’t seem to be working.
‘You’re sure?’ she asked the man at the gate.
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘You haven’t got enough money on it.’
That was weird, Emily could have sworn she’d topped it up the other day.
Just as well she’d left early. Emily needed cash anyway, so she went out to the high street and drew some out. By the time she’d queued up behind four drunk lads on a Christmas pub crawl, Emily had missed her train to London. She stood waiting in the freezing cold for the next one, feeling very sorry for herself.
When the train finally pulled in, it was packed solid. Emily stood uncomfortably in a corner, leaning on her backpack. Everyone seemed cheerful, clutching bags of presents for the great Christmas exodus. Normally she’d have felt the same, but not today. In fact, Emily felt tempted to kill anyone who wished her a Happy Christmas, something plenty of them did.
The train was painfully slow, getting stuck at every red light between stations. At a couple of stops it waited with the doors open for no reason known to man. The guard apologized profusely, and the cheery people didn’t care, but Emily was screaming with frustration. All she wanted to do was get away. Every mile away from Adam meant she couldn’t change her mind.
Emily got off at Vauxhall, to change on to the Victoria underground line for Euston. But when she arrived on the platform it was to discover the Victoria line was suspended, and no one had thought to mention it till now. Now what?
‘Should I get the bus or train?’ she asked the man at the ticket barrier, who just shrugged his shoulders unhelpfully.
As it turned out Emily’s ticket wouldn’t let her through the barrier, so she had no choice but to get the bus.
She glanced at her watch: nearly 5.30. She still had an hour and a half. Barring any more mishaps, that should be enough time. The pavements had turned to grey slush, unlike the white sparkling snow at home, and Emily had to be careful not to slip as she ran for the first bus going into town and sank gratefully back into her seat. It seemed grossly unfair to be having such a rotten journey on top of everything else. Anyone would think someone didn’t want her to get on that train …
Livvy
We arrive en masse at Emily’s flat, and Adam marches up to the front door. The house looks dark and empty. She must have gone already, but Adam bangs on the door anyway.
‘Emily, are you still there?’ he calls. ‘It’s me, Adam. Can I come in?’
Poor Adam. As if I needed proof of how wrong I’d been, this would be enough to sway me. He’s besotted by that girl, in a way he hasn’t been by me for years. I was too blind to see it before.
‘Glad you’re finally getting your act together.’ Malachi hops up on the garden wall beside me.
‘You weren’t a whole lot of help,’ I say.
‘And you didn’t listen,’ sniffs Malachi. ‘You’d better get your skates on. She’s not here. She’ll be halfway to Euston by now.’
Adam is still banging fruitlessly on the door, as if he can’t believe that Emily’s gone.
‘Adam, she’s not here,’ I say. ‘We have to go to the station.’
It’s an icy walk down there, and I’m seriously regretting getting my body back. Not only am I freezing, but I’m unglamorously dressed in Adam’s T-shirt, hoody and Joe’s trackies. I’ve had to borrow a pair of pumps Emily left behind and my feet are sopping wet. I’m likely to slip over any minute. At this rate I might end up heading back gravewards quicker than I thought.
We get to the station, puffed out and panicky. The next train is due any moment, and the one after isn’t for half an hour. We have a nervous wait in the ticket queue, but miraculously the train comes in two minutes late, allowing us enough time to get our tickets, and leap on board, just as the whistle blows.
Adam attempts to ring Emily again, but her phone is switched off.
I’m beginning to get a gnawing ache of worry in my stomach. What if we don’t succeed? Then I still don’t get to stay with Adam, he doesn’t get Emily and I shall be drinking in Underworld for eternity. I’ve had some laughs there, but I’m not sure I want that.
‘Mum, thank you for doing this,’ Joe says suddenly. ‘I thought we could have you and Emily. But I was wrong.’
‘We both were,’ I say, ‘but I’m glad I’ve got to spend more time with you. And I’m very proud of everything you’re doing.’
‘Are you?’ Joe’s eyes light up and he’s off telling me about some astronomy programme he’s been watching.
Whatever happens next, I’ve had some unexpected time with my son and I shall always be grateful for that.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Livvy
We none of us say much on the train. We’re all clock-watching and worrying about getting to the station on time.
‘Five forty-five,’ says Joe helpfully as the train pulls out of the station. ‘One hour and fifteen minutes to get to Euston.’
He keeps this up in a steady stream which gets more irksome as the train takes its time to speed up. When it does, I start to relax
a bit more.
Even though I am worrying about the time, and about what happens next, if we find Emily, I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
For the whole of this past year, I thought I’d been given a fantastic opportunity to start my old life afresh. But now I know that’s not why I’m here. Instead I’ve been given a chance to make amends with the people I love. It’s not a chance everyone gets and I’m grateful. For once I have to do the decent thing and give Adam and Emily my blessing. I have to let go of everything that bound me to this earth, even Joe. And I know, looking at Adam and Joe together, seeing how well they understand one another now, they will be all right. And knowing the sacrifice Emily was prepared to make for Joe, I know that giving the man I love up to her is actually the best thing I can do.
‘Are you sure you’re OK with this?’ Adam asks suddenly. And I smile reassuringly.
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I thought I wouldn’t be, but I am.’
Because, although I wish it could be different, though I want to live my life again and differently, I can’t. My time was up a year ago. It came to an abrupt end in a Lidl car park. It was horrendously bad luck, but it isn’t Adam’s fault or Emily’s. And I can’t condemn them to a life of unhappiness because I’m not here. I don’t get to dictate from the grave how they live their lives. I thought I could, but that’s not the way it works.
‘Five fifty-nine,’ says Joe as we reach Clapham Junction. We have sixty-one minutes to reach Emily.
‘Come on train,’ I say, as I used to when Joe was little and impatient on journeys. And I offer up a silent prayer: Malachi, if you’re out there anywhere, please help us get there on time.
Emily
The bus turned out to be a massive mistake. Emily didn’t have a clue where it was going, and the traffic was horrendous. In the end, she leapt off at Westminster, and raced through bright sparkling lights and crowds of shiny happy people to Charing Cross. She could get the Northern line from there. It was only six; she should still have time.
Make a Christmas Wish Page 27