Having decided to be crueler and more informative than she had previously intended, Clarissa echoed with an ugly sneer, “Friend? I hated her. Marissa was selfish and mean and bad. She stole the only man in my life; now her wicked daughter is trying to steal Travis or my father. Travis told me how you’d been trying to sneak into his bed. He knows you’re nothing but a whore like your mother was. When he kept refusing you, did you give up and turn to Mace? You are a bastard, Rana Michaels. I won’t let you get my father or Travis.”
Rana felt she could not trust this hostile, bitter creature to be truthful. “You must go. You speak with a false, cruel tongue,” she declared, regaining her composure.
“Ask Todd Raines if I’m lying,” Clarissa challenged. “He knows how bad she was. Or ask Fargo, who works for my father; he’s spent plenty of money sleeping with her, and he told me and Papa all about her. Ask any of the men who paid Raymond to have her for a few minutes. And you’ll never guess who your father is.”
“I do not care, but I am glad it is not Raymond Michaels.”
“If you don’t convince Nathan to sell this place to my father, everybody else will care when I spread the word about you and your mother. People will be laughing at you and avoiding you. They’ll think you’re just like your mother. Or worse, you little savage.”
“Even if you speak the truth, I will not ask my grandfather to leave his lands. Go away; do not return. Your heart is black and evil.” To frighten and punish Clarissa, Rana threatened, “If you anger me, I will take your father and force you to leave home. He has asked Grandfather to allow us to marry. I see great desire for me in his eyes.”
“It isn’t you he sees and desires, you little fool! If you dare try to marry my father, I’ll make you wish you had never been born. I know something very bad about Marissa that I haven’t told you. Raymond and I were close friends, and he told me secrets about her, and about you. I could use them to destroy your family. I’m warning you, Rana, stay away from my father and Travis.” With that Clarissa stormed out of the room and out of the house.
Rana went immediately to her room and flung herself across her bed. Memories mingled with the woman’s words to torment her. Clutching her doll against her heart, she cried. She had slept little the night before and was exhausted. Slowly she drifted off to sleep.
Clarissa scolded angrily, “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Papa! Why would you shut off the river to land you’ll own next week? Poisoning water holes, burning crops, cutting fences, stampeding cattle, ordering excessive violence—such measures aren’t necessary, Papa; you’ll be able to buy that ranch peaceably next week. Why cause so much damage and ill will when the land and workers will soon be yours?”
Harrison glared at her. “I’ve told you, girl, stay out of my business. I’m tired of your meddling. Do things my way, or get out!”
His outburst shocked her, then enraged her. “How can I remain silent when you do such foolish things? Now I learn you’re proposing to Rana Michaels!” she snapped, her temper flaring, for they had been quarreling for over an hour.
“How do you know that?” he demanded furiously. “If you’re spying on me, girl, I’ll whip you senseless, then kick you out.”
“I saw her this morning at Nathan’s ranch,” she admitted freely.
“You little bitch! How dare you talk with Rana! You might as well know, I am planning to marry her. Tell me what you two said. And from now on, stay away from her; you could ruin my plans.”
Clarissa glared at him. “Stay away? Why, Papa? Rana is my half sister. Or didn’t you know Marissa was carrying your baby when she ran away with Raymond? You can’t marry your own daughter. Either you’re crazy with lust for Marissa’s ghost or you’re ignorant of the truth. Which is it, Papa?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Harrison shrieked.
“Haven’t you figured it out by now, Papa? You were gone for months when Marissa discovered she was pregnant. She had to get away before anyone guessed her secret. That dashing gambler came along and she duped him into marrying her and getting her away before she started showing her sinful secret. But Raymond found out she had played him for the fool, and he got even with her. Didn’t you ever wonder why he hated her and abused her so cruelly? And didn’t you wonder why Marissa was too afraid to disobey him or leave him? For goodness sake, Papa, he was blackmailing her, threatening to expose her sins to her father and everyone. And proud Marissa didn’t want that. Raymond had slowly gotten her by the throat and knew too much about her. By the time she was desperate to be free of him, it was too late.”
“How do you know such things?” Harrison demanded.
“You do recall we used to be friends and do things together? One day I heard Raymond and Marissa arguing when they didn’t realize I was around, and the whole filthy story came pouring out. That’s what he was using to blackmail her; you know, Papa, whore for his stakes or he would expose the dirty truth about her? Marissa did it a few times to appease him, but then Raymond started demanding more and more customers. By then, she was already soiled and she was in over her head, drowning in Raymond’s revenge and her dark secrets.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” he raged at her, seeing how fiercely she hated Marissa and Rana.
Her face was lined with hostility. “Tell you I knew Marissa had been secretly whoring with my father? Tell you I knew Rana was your bastard? No, Papa, I wanted Marissa and Rana out of our lives. If she had loved you and wanted you, she wouldn’t have married Raymond. She chose her prickly path and didn’t try to change it. By the time I learned the truth, there was no way you could have married that cheap whore and claimed Rana as your child, and you can’t claim her now. She would hate you and blame you for what happened to them. And such a revelation might cause a scandal, Papa, that is if Nathan didn’t manage to kill you for what you did to his little Marissa. She wasn’t much more than a child at that time, Papa. Some might suggest you raped her or misled an innocent young girl. They’ll wonder why she ran off with that Michaels beast rather than marry you. Besides, if you lay claim to Rana, Nathan will disown her and she’ll lose any claim to his ranch. If something did happen to block your purchase, Rana might be your only way of obtaining it.”
“Is that all you care about, that stupid ranch? Did you tell Rana any of this?” he asked pointedly.
“Don’t be foolish, Papa. Certainly not. I don’t ever want her to know about us. Don’t you realize that would give her a right to our holdings, if anything should happen to us. By revealing the truth, you’ll offer them the perfect path to revenge and victory. We both know Travis doesn’t love me or want me. What would happen to us if he thought he could have it all by taking the beautiful Rana as his wife? I thought maybe Marissa had confessed the truth to you and asked for your help in getting free of Raymond, but when you started talking seriously about marriage, I realized you didn’t know about Rana.”
Harrison had found the unexpected news staggering. “Leave me alone for a while, girl; I need to think about this,” he told her, then went into his office and closed the door.
Clarissa stared at it, then grinned satanically. The old fool actually believed her! That lie would keep him distracted and mastered for awhile. If anyone were to discover who Rana’s father really was, it would be a shock, especially to Rana, Travis, Nathan, Harrison, and Todd. Poor Todd; she had already been pregnant for a time when they had started falling for each other. And poor Marissa, who was too terrified and confused to realize that Todd would have married her and claimed the child. She thought about two lines from Scott’s 1808 Marmion:
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!”
Terrible dreams began to fill Rana’s mind. Her head thrashed wildly upon the pillow and she whimpered softly as she tried to halt them. Suddenly she cried out and aroused herself. She sat up panting and shaking. Clutching the doll tightly in her arms, she cried. Several of Raymond’s statements returned to convince
her that Clarissa had spoken at least part of the truth: “…me and that dark-haired vixen… greedy and wicked bitch… since you ain’t…”; then Marissa’s voice tormented her, “No more lies about me… once he’s dead, the truth will be buried forever… terrible mistake, and I’ve paid for it… return soon… be free and happy…”
Raymond Michaels was dead, but Marissa’s agonizing secrets had not died with him. Clarissa Caldwell knew them and would use them maliciously to hurt all of them if she did not get her way. Her grandfather would suffer again over Marissa’s mistakes, and Travis and others would learn of her mother’s past.
“What is the truth, Mother?” Rana sobbed sadly. As if Marissa were replying, Rana heard the words, Inside the doll, little one.
Rana shuddered and looked around the room, then glanced at the doll. She concentrated very hard to remember something her mother had told her several times: “Don’t forget, little one, the truth is inside the doll. Never lose her and never tell anyone.”
Rana bounded off the bed, seized her knife from its sheath, and cut off the doll’s head. She stared at the rolled page that was wedged tightly within the rag stuffing, and she feared to remove it and read it. How she wished Travis were here to comfort her and help her. But she was alone, and she could not wait for his return. She closed her eyes and prayed. “Great Spirit, make me brave and strong. Help me understand. Do not allow bitterness and anger to blind me.”
She pried the letter free and dropped the mangled guardian to the floor. Then she went to the bed and sat down weakly. Before unrolling the paper, she inhaled and exhaled several times to calm her racing heart and to steady her quavering hands. She had to prepare herself to confront this painful, enlightening message from the grave.
When she found the courage to read the letter, it was puzzling: “If you find this note, something is terribly wrong. Look for a final message from me in our hiding place. Remember, the little hole in the dark room, the place where we hid our treasures from the bad man.”
Rana closed her eyes and tried to recall her mother’s meaning. She envisioned them sitting on the floor in a small, dark area; then she saw a candle that cast glowing shadows over her mother’s face. Marissa was smiling at her and her blue eyes were sparkling as she touched her finger to her lips to indicate secrecy. Marissa took a knife and pried loose a short board near the corner of a wall. She could see her mother placing things inside the black hole, then sealing it. Grasping her small hand, Marissa led her out of the darkness…
Rana’s eyes widened, then she whirled to look at the closet in the corner of Marissa’s old room. She leapt to her feet, seized her knife once more, and ducked inside the closet with a candle. Crawling to the far end, she placed the candle on the floor and searched for the special board. As she worked to pry it free, she wondered if her mother’s letter and “treasures” would still be hiding there after all these years. It was possible she had removed them during that last trip. It was possible someone else had found the hiding place and taken them.
The board squeaked and yielded, then fell noisily to the floor. Apprehensively she reached inside the black hole, grasped several objects and withdrew them: a bunch of dead flowers secured with a yellow ribbon, a lock of light brown hair with reddish gold highlights bound with another yellow ribbon, an oval locket that had a broken catch and held a picture of Marissa and Todd as teenagers, a leather pouch with money inside, and a time-yellowed envelope.
Rana replaced the lock of hair, the flowers, the pouch, and the locket. Taking the candle, she left the closet, deposited the candle on the hearth for safety, then went to sit on the bed. Carefully she ripped open the envelope and slowly unfolded the fragile paper, which crackled with age. Her heart began to pound heavily and her mouth went dry. Despite the heat of the day, her hands felt cold and shaky. She dreaded to begin this new torment.
My dearest daughter Rana,
Since you are reading this letter, my little one, then I have been taken from your side, for only you know how and where to find it. If things had worked out for us as I had planned, I would have recovered and destroyed this letter before you could find it and read it.
Even as I begin, I am not sure I am doing the right thing or if I know how to tell you what I must. I wish I were there to explain these matters, little one, but it cannot be. I beg you to read this letter with love and I pray you are old enough to understand what I must tell you and why, or how, it happened.
I must reveal the truth to you as I do not want you to go on believing Raymond Michaels is your father. He is a vicious and evil man, and I curse the day he entered our lives. I was so foolish and impulsive when I was young. I wanted to taste every treat life had to offer. I was spoiled and greedy. I was stubborn and willful. Many mistakes were of my own doing, Rana, and others happened because I was so naive and trusting, though I thought I knew everything. What cruel lessons life must teach us when we care more for ourselves than others. I only wish I had been allowed to bury the dark past forever. I can be thankful that only Raymond knows my secrets and I pray he has not and will never reveal them.
Before I was seventeen, I was called the most beautiful girl in Texas, and sadly I believed it and used my beauty and charms as weapons or for foolish tricks. Many boys desired me, but I was vain and blind in heart. I trampled upon their feelings and I was forced to pay for my meanness.
We had—and may still have—a neighbor named Harrison Caldwell, a rich, handsome man whose wife died many years ago. As a young girl, I tingled and blushed each time I saw him. None of the boys my age caused me to have such feelings, so I believed I was in love with him. One day I went to deliver a message to him from Papa, and my world became confused and upturned. He had flirted with me many times, and in my vanity I thought he was in love with me. At his house that day, he offered me a strong drink and I boldly and recklessly took it. It sent my head spinning as fast as my heart was pounding. He began to kiss me and touch me and strange feelings attacked me, and I wanted to kiss and touch him back. I let him take me to his room and make love to me. For many weeks I sneaked to his home to lie with him in his bed. I told myself it was because he ordered it and I feared he would tell Papa or others what I had done. He was a skilled lover and I was charmed by him and our actions. Soon, I had to admit I liked what we were doing and I enjoyed the power I held over him, for he loved me and craved me wildly. Perhaps I was in love with love or with the feelings of mystery and wickedness. It was so exciting to explore being a woman and to have such a powerful secret and to have a real man in my control. I felt as if I were living in an adventurous dreamworld.
Over a year passed. I had learned so much about men and life and my feelings, but I had learned it in a bad way. My lovely dream had slowly faded and I realized I did not love or want this man. He had ways that were vicious and wrong. He refused to release me from our secret affair. He wanted to marry me, to keep me as his property. We argued for weeks and I refused him in every way. And I did a terrible thing during this time to test my feelings for him, which I shall explain later. I told him I did not love him or want him anymore and I said many cruel and false things to him to force him to leave me alone. Then I began to see another man. He became very angry and jealous and vowed to have me or else no other man would. I threatened to tell Papa he had raped me and forced me to do his bidding to keep him from killing Papa. He left for many months, but said he would force me to marry him on his return.
Now, I must tell you about the other man. One day my horse bolted and I was rescued by a boy my age named Todd Raines—he still works for Papa as I write this letter. When I gazed into his eyes as he held my trembling body, a feeling that I now know was true love washed over me. I wanted nothing more than to gaze into his eyes and stay in his arms forever. There was a quietness and gentleness about my feelings for him, yet he made my body flame with desire. We shared so many things, like a simple walk to gather wildflowers. We laughed as I cut his hair for a dance in town and he teased me about keepi
ng a lock. He gave me a locket and placed our pictures inside. He was so kind and loving for one so young. How I wished I had been more like him. I kept those treasures hidden with this letter, for I could not bear to part with them. I loved him in that very first moment our eyes met and our bodies touched, and I knew he was the man I wanted as my own forever. Papa adored him and was happy for us. I hurt them both so deeply when I was forced to reject Todd. If you have found true love, little one, then you will understand what I am trying to explain.
Life had a cruel urge to punish me for my past wrongs. I discovered I was carrying a child, and I was terrified that someone, especially my beloved father or my cherished Todd, would discover the truth about me and my baby. I could not bear to tell them of my sins and past deeds, for they would hate me and think me evil. I had to break Todd’s heart and reject him, and I shall never forget the pain I caused him or the love we shared. He has married another, but I know he suffers each time I return home and he sees me. But I suffer too, for I see what my sin has taken from me. How I wish I could tell him the truth, but it is too vile and destructive. How I wish you were his child—how lucky we would be today!
At times, I even wished Harrison Caldwell had been your father, so this burden would not have destroyed all I was and loved. How do I explain the truth, my little one, and not cause you to hate and scorn me as I despised myself until I almost let Raymond destroy me? How foolish I was to believe I deserved to be punished! How can I explain why I ruined our lives? I was a fool, a selfish, blind fool who made terrible mistakes. How do I explain them to myself or to you or to Todd? Your name is as close as I can ever be to him. Even now, I love him and I would give my soul for a second chance with him, but I cannot ruin his life again. I must let him go on hating me.
This is the hardest part of my confession. First, I must say I am sorry for letting you suffer at Raymond’s hand. We tricked each other with our marriage. He wanted to get his hands on Papa’s money through me, and I needed him to take me far away. When he learned I was carrying a child and I refused to beg Papa for money, he was very angry and mean. After you were born and he learned my secret, he became cruel and vindictive. To protect our lives and my secret, I am forced to lie with other men for money. I hate it and I hate him. When I tell you all, my little one, you will understand why I fear him and obey him. Today, we leave Papa’s for the last time, for I shall kill him and return home to be free and happy, or he will slay me for trying. If he is still alive and near you, I beg you, Rana, run from him. Never let him near you. Never do anything for him. Never let him trick you or use you. He is bad and mean. Flee him, even if you must slay him. Otherwise he will destroy you as he destroyed me.
Sweet Savage Heart Page 48