The Complete Inspector Morse

by David Bishop

  If the author is guilty of one mis-step, it is making the second murder victim as unsympathetic as possible. Brooks is a foul-mouthed wife-beater who sexually abused his underage stepdaughter. The reader is almost cheering when Brooks’ corpse is discovered. Surely murder should not engender applause?

  AS GOOD AS GOLD

  ‘We all have the occasional moment when we’re not – we’re not particularly proud of ourselves.’ Morse goes against his own judgment to help a colleague recreate evidence against an IRA bomber.

  FIRST PUBLISHED: 1994

  STORYLINE: Detective Inspector Crawford asks for Morse’s advice. The Oxford police have arrested Kieran Dominic Muldoon, an Irish terrorist. Only a few hours later they found explosives, timers and detonators at a first floor flat in Bannister Close on the Blackbird Leys Estate. The Irishman tells the police he has never been there. But the terrorist visited the flat a week earlier. He drank several cans of beer with two colleagues, but believed all the cans were dumped afterwards.

  Muldoon is addicted to video pornography. He doubts he could cope with prison. The terrorist is an amputee, having lost his right leg in a car crash. Muldoon’s artificial leg is still in his bed-sit. He uses an elbow-crutch indoors.

  The police find a Beamish stout can with Muldoon’s fingerprints on it beneath a sofa at the flat. They also photograph Muldoon on the staircase at the block of flats. But the police lose the can and the photo. Crawford seeks Morse’s advice about how to recreate the lost evidence, but the chief inspector refuses to be involved. Morse tells Lewis what’s happened and the sergeant thinks Crawford’s plan is acceptable. Lewis asks the inspector to help Crawford. Morse refuses and threatens to have his sergeant dismissed.

  Next morning Morse reluctantly offers his help. Crawford asks Muldoon if he would visit an address the police have been watching and make a statement there. In exchange the suspect could spend several hours watching hardcore pornographic videos and drinking beer. Muldoon agrees.

  In fact, Crawford plans to take the suspect back to Bannister Close but to approach the block of flats from the rear – so Muldoon will not recognise the building. The video viewing will take place in a different flat on the ground floor. The watchers will drink cans of Beamish stout and the suspect’s photo will be taken as he leaves the property. Morse knows someone who could fake the photo. Lewis decides he can’t be a party to the plan. Morse takes his place.

  But the police make a mess of the recreation. Crawford tells Morse the cans of beer supplied are a new Beamish product launched after Muldoon was arrested. In the original photo he was using his artificial leg – in the reconstruction he’s using his crutch.

  However, Morse secretly arranged to have his own photographer take Muldoon’s picture as the terrorist entered the flat. The crutch is not visible in this photo. Muldoon changes his plea to guilty after receiving his little privileges. Morse rips up the replacement photo.

  DRINK UP, LEWIS: Morse drinks several glasses of The Macallan single malt whisky at Strange’s birthday celebration. Afterwards the inspector decides the only trouble with malt whisky is that it leaves him feeling thirsty. Lewis takes him to the King’s Arms in Banbury Road for a pint – the sergeant pays, as usual. Morse warns his sergeant to lock the office, to prevent anyone stealing the inspector’s bottle of Glenfiddich.

  Morse pours himself and Crawford a glass of Glenfiddich after the reconstruction goes awry.

  INCREASE YOUR VOCABULARY: Strange produces an impressive heptasyllabic (seven-syllabled) finale to a list of police virtues. Police patience in the surveillance of Bannister Close is rewarded gradatim (gradually). Morse gives a supererogatory (voluntary) nod.

  CRYPTIC CROSSWORDS: A quotation from the Guinness World Records book notes that the world’s fastest time for completing the Times crossword is three minutes and 45 seconds. Morse contemplates just such a crossword, but without record-breaking success. He almost creates a new personal best of just six minutes, but the clue for 14 Across defeats him.

  PORN TO BE WILD: Morse says it is not unnatural for someone to have dozens of pornographic videos. The inspector writes a cheque for the unused photo, considering it payment for his evening of hardcore entertainment.

  LEWIS’ KITH AND KIN: The sergeant wonders what his wife would say if she knew he would be watching hardcore sex videos in the line of duty.

  SOUNDTRACK: Morse listens in awed reverence to the Fauré Requiem.

  QUOTE-UNQUOTE: Crawford passes judgment on Morse’s love of alcohol: ‘He’s never had too much to drink, anyway – not as he sees things.’

  Morse tells Strange he is not hungry. ‘It’s a wonder you’re not in the pub, then. You’re usually thirsty enough,’ the chief superintendent says.

  SURVEILLANCE REPORT: This story was specially commissioned by the film manufacturer Kodak. Copies of the anthology featuring the tale were given away free with Kodak Gold films as a promotional device. The tale is broken into 15 short sections. Muldoon is never explicitly identified as being an IRA bomber, but his political affiliations are made clear.

  Morse retains a residual religiosity, despite having lost his faith.

  THE VERDICT: This is an entertaining tale, although some readers might question the merits of a comedy about fabricating evidence against a terrorist bomber. There is no murder, no mystery – just a diverting slice-of-life story.

  THE BURGLAR

  ‘Perhaps, given a minute or longer, he would himself have revealed the extraordinary truth concerning the burglary of number fourteen, Chaucer Crescent...’ When is a burglary not a burglary? When it’s a mess.

  FIRST PUBLISHED: 1995

  STORYLINE: The detectives attend a reported burglary at 14 Chaucer Crescent. The owner, Bill Robertson, is away on holiday. The neighbour living opposite saw a man peering through the windows of number 14. Morse spots something among Robertson’s mail. A small pane of glass has been carefully removed from the French window overlooking the back garden.

  Robertson returns from holiday. He says the window was broken when his rake tapped the glass. The detectives take him upstairs to a room that looks like it has been ransacked. Robertson says it looks just like he left it. Morse sees a man matching the description given by the neighbour outside. He is delivering recorded post to the houses. A card notifying failure to deliver such a parcel was among Robertson’s post. There was no burglary – just a mess.

  MORSE DECODED: The inspector used to live near Chaucer Crescent. He once saw Robertson’s fine collection of cigarette cards.

  QUOTE-UNQUOTE: Morse is morose: ‘I’ve never known anyone very well, Lewis.’

  The inspector makes one of his more unlikely pronouncements: ‘It’s good for all of us to do a bit of fourth-grade clerical work occasionally.’

  SOPHOCLES DID DO IT: Morse believes the burglar was a professional because they took the removed pane of glass away with them.

  SURVEILLANCE REPORT: This story was specially commissioned for Bouchercon XXVI, the World Mystery Convention held at Nottingham in 1995, where Dexter was the British guest of honour. Uniquely for a Morse story, ‘The Burglar’ made its debut on BBC Radio 4, read aloud by John Turner on September 25, 1995 – three days before the convention opened. The story first saw print in the Mail on Sunday newspaper’s colour supplement magazine, You. It was brought to book in The Orion Book of Murder, edited by Peter Haining and published by Orion in 1996.

  THE VERDICT: A whimsical sketch by Dexter at his most playful. The plot was later duplicated by an advertising campaign for the Yellow Pages in Britain.

  DEATH IS NOW MY NEIGHBOUR

  ‘Death is always the next-door neighbour.’ Two residents in the same street are slain within days of each other. Morse discovers that one killing was a tragic case of mistaken identity, but the other was cold-blooded murder.

  FIRST PUBLISHED: 1996

  STORYLINE: Sir Clixby Bream is retiring as Master of Lonsdale College. Statutes require all candidates for the post to be of sound mind
and in good health, not to have taken Holy Orders and not to have a criminal record. The two candidates are Julian Storrs, a senior fellow and anthropologist who served as a captain in the Royal Army (Indian Army Secondment), and Denis Cornford, a mediaeval history specialist. Both are married. Storrs’ wife is a mature English woman called Angela. Cornford’s wife is a young American called Shelly.

  Storrs takes his lover, Rachel James, to London by train. She wears her hair in a pony-tail. Oxford Mail reporter Geoffrey Owens goes to Soho on the same day, searching for a stripper he once knew. The journalist has his hair in a ponyt-ail. On the late-night train back to Oxford he sees Storrs with Rachel. She is the reporter’s next-door neighbour.

  Rachel is murdered on a Monday while eating breakfast at her home, 17 Bloxham Drive. She is shot through a ground-floor back window. The bullet went through a blind and into Rachel’s neck. Owens had already left for work when the murder happened.

  The detectives find a photo of Rachel with an older man, who is soon identified as Storrs. Morse realises there is no number 13 in Bloxham Drive. The killer may have shot Rachel by mistake, thinking the pony-tailed silhouette on the window blind was that of Owens.

  The inspector gets a burglar called JJ to break into Owens’ home while the reporter is away. Morse joins the illegal incursion. He finds a manila folder full of blackmail material. It includes a copy of a medical report stating Storrs has inoperable liver cancer, and photos of a stripper. The folder lists the initials of blackmail victims – AM, DC, JS and CB. All but the last have a tick beside them.

  Morse and Lewis clash about the inspector’s increased drinking and deteriorating health. Morse is shamed into staying out of the pub for once.

  Storrs’ wife Angela was the stripper, it transpires. Her maiden name was Martin. Storrs admits his affair with Rachel. The senior fellow tells Lewis he was being blackmailed. Storrs claims he was having sex with his wife when Rachel was murdered. Angela confirms his alibi.

  Morse links the initials to those involved in the election of Lonsdale’s new Master – Angela Martin, Denis Cornford, Julian Storrs and Clixby Bream. But the inspector believes he is becoming diabetic. His doctor tests Morse’s blood sugar level and has him admitted to hospital immediately.

  Soon after the inspector leaves hospital Owens is murdered, shot twice at home on a Sunday morning by someone he let into the house. The Storrs have an alibi for the murder. They spent Saturday at the Royal Crescent Hotel in Bath. The couple had breakfast in their room on Sunday.

  Cornford accuses his wife of having an affair. Shelly admits to sleeping with Bream so her husband will become Master. Cornford says he wants a divorce.

  Forensic tests show the same pistol was used for both murders.

  Shelly commits suicide and her husband withdraws from the election.

  Morse realises the initials DC on Owens’ blackmail list represent Dawn Charles, the receptionist at the clinic where Storrs is treated. She admits giving Owens a copy of Storrs’ medical report.

  The detectives discover Angela is a diabetic. The Storrs go to Bath for another weekend break. Morse and Lewis also go to Bath. The Storrs used a twin room on the weekend Owen was murdered. Mrs Storrs had a Continental breakfast, but included a hot chocolate in her order. The detectives discover Dawn stayed at the hotel on the same night.

  Angela explains the hot chocolate by saying her blood sugar was low. Morse says she followed her husband to Bath in her own car. Lewis produces a receipt showing she got petrol near Bath. He arrests her for murdering Owens.

  In a statement she admits to both murders. Rachel was killed by mistake. Julian helped plan Owens’ murder. The couple bullied Dawn into helping them after she admitted giving medical records to the journalist. Angela checked into the hotel, then drove back to Oxford and spent the night at Dawn’s home. Dawn took Angela’s place in the twin bedroom with Julian.

  Storrs withdraws from the election. Bream stays on as Master.

  UNLUCKY IN LOVE: Morse burns a photograph of Ellie Smith, sent to him from Crete. Ellie later sends him a letter to say she is getting married.

  In hospital the inspector meets Sister Janet McQueen, an ample-bosomed single woman in her early forties. She looks forward to talking with him. Morse says he will miss her. Later she sends him a letter.

  When the case is concluded, Janet visits Morse at home. He takes her to Bath for the weekend. They share a suite and a happy night together.

  DRINK UP, LEWIS: The detectives go to the Boat at Thrupp. The sergeant buys his boss a pint of best bitter, while keeping to the orange juice himself. The inspector reluctantly goes to the bar to buy a second pint but only has a £20 note. The barmaid has no change. Lewis ends up paying for the next two pints!

  Morse drinks two pints of Burton at the Bear Inn while looking at the pub’s tie collection.

  The inspector visits the Cherwell pub, where he drinks two pints of Bass. Morse returns there to meet JJ and enjoys several pints of Brakspear. He buys the burglar a double vodka and lime. The inspector pours a goodly measure of Glenfiddich at home before going burgling. He has another glass afterwards.

  In hospital a dietician tells the inspector he can have a pint of beer a week, if he feels like it. Once released he is soon back at the Cherwell, drinking a pint of Bass. Lewis pays for the real ale and his own orange juice.

  Morse drinks two cans of Courage’s bitter that he finds in Owen’s fridge.

  The inspector accepts a generous tot of Glenmorangie from Cornford. Afterwards Morse has two pints of bitter in the King’s Arms.

  He has a small glass of Glenfiddich to celebrate a dramatic reduction in his blood sugar level.

  Morse drinks two pints of London Pride at the Trout.

  The inspector declines a single malt Scotch offered by Bream.

  Morse drinks a pint of John Smith’s Tadcaster bitter while waiting for Lewis in the Anchor pub. When the sergeant arrives, the inspector asks for a refill. Lewis buys himself orange juice.

  Morse has a large Glenfiddich while questioning Storrs in Bath. The suspect volunteers to put the drinks on his bill, much to Lewis’ relief.

  When the case is concluded, Morse walks home after drinking a generous measure of Irish whiskey.

  In the final scenes Morse buys himself a pint of beer in Bath.

  ONE FOR THE MORGUE: Rachel James is shot once by Angela Storrs. Geoffrey Owens is shot twice by Angela Storrs. Shelly Cornford kills herself with carbon dioxide fumes.

  MURDERS: two. BODY COUNT: three.

  CRYPTIC CROSSWORDS: Morse grapples with a final clue in the Times crossword as the novel opens: ‘Stand for soldiers? (5-4)’. The answer is ‘toast-rack’, which he gets after Lewis mentions breakfast.

  The sergeant can’t solve more than two clues of a Daily Mirror crossword.

  YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN, LEWIS: The sergeant makes mention of a postcard Morse received from someone with the initials DC. The inspector thinks he knows whom the initials DC represent on Owens’ blackmail list. ‘Christ! Do you know what, Lewis? I think you’ve done it again!’

  MORSE DECODED: Morse only realised in his late twenties that the Balkan States and Baltic States were not synonymous. The inspector’s father adopted British explorer Captain James Cook as his greatest hero. Until the age of 12 Morse’s reading featured a weekly diet of The Dandy comic and a monthly issue of Meccano Magazine. From the latter he developed a lifelong delight in railways and model train-sets. Morse’s father had diabetes late in life.

  The inspector asked troublesome questions when younger. In Sunday School he sought the topographical position of Heaven. At Grammar School he asked who created God. Morse transferred his quest for knowledge to crossword puzzles during his twenties.

  Morse’s parents had to leave school early. His father drank and gambled far too much, but Morse still loved him. His mother was a gentle soul.

  PORN TO BE WILD: In a quiz, Morse selects a two-hour porn movie called Copenhagen Red-Hot Sex over videos of C
asablanca, England’s 1966 World Cup victory or a documentary on the kingfisher.

  The inspector says the Earl of Rochester, court poet to Charles II, wrote some delightfully pornographic lyrics.

  Morse turns down JJ’s offer of a red-hot pornographic video, thinking it a considerable sacrifice. The inspector discovers several erotic novels in Owens’ house, including Topless in Torremolinos. The book includes a dedication to Owens from the author, Adele Cecil, who is one of his neighbours. She decides to write a sequel with a romance between characters like Morse and herself.

  SOPHOCLES DID DO IT: Morse concocts several elaborate theories, trying to prove Owens murdered Rachel – without success. He even suspects Adele Cecil, who has nothing to do with the murders.

  LEWIS’ KITH AND KIN: The sergeant’s wife is a big fan of Agatha Christie. Lewis keeps promising to take his wife to visit the crime novelist’s grave in Cholsey but never gets round to it. Mrs Lewis wins £50 on her Premium Bond. The sergeant and his wife go in search of the perfect dishwasher. Lewis welcomes any alleviation of his duties at the kitchen sink. Mrs Lewis was brought up in the Rhondda Valley.

  PEOPLE JUST CALL ME MORSE: Janet discovers Morse’s Christian name on his medical records. He prefers that she keep calling him Morse. Lewis doesn’t know the inspector’s first name. Morse says his parents wanted him to do well in life. His father read everything ever written about Captain Cook. His mother was a Quaker. Janet persuades Morse to send a postcard to his sergeant’s home address which includes his previously unrevealed first name: Endeavour.

  SOUNDTRACK: Morse sets a quiz for the Thames Valley Police Gazette to test whether readers are wise and cultured. The first question asks the reader to choose between a Beatles album, Fauré’s Requiem, An Evening with Victor Borge and the complete overtures to Wagner’s operas. Lewis chooses the musical comedy of Borge. Morse opts for Fauré, which he considers a beautiful work. This gains him top marks for the question. The answer notes that three of the last four Popes chose it as the music for their funerals.