It’s supposed to be a fortune cookie. It doesn’t really look like one. It’s actually pretty lame as far as art projects go. But every follower of the mysticism of the fortune cookie knows it’s not really the cookie that counts. I break open the cookie, pull out a white slip of paper, and put the paper-mache cookie on Zac’s desk.
Thanks.”
He doesn’t ask what it says. He just smiles and stands up.
“Anything else I can do for you?”
“No. I can go now.” I smile and find my way to the front doors. I pull out my phone while I wait for Luke.
To: William Davis
Message: Sorry. I finally got my fortune.
Scrawled across the thin slip of paper in William’s handwriting is the best fortune I’ve gotten yet:
I love you, Crissy.
“Journeys don’t end, they go in different directions.”
“You’re lucky you’re driving back before the snow hits. Usually it’s always snowing.”
Luke and I are eating breakfast at a McDonald’s off the highway before I start the drive back home. It’s early enough in the morning that the fast-food pancakes and dollar-menu coffee actually taste good.
“Yeah. I actually feel ready to go home, have a nice relaxing break -- what’s left of it that I don’t have to work through.”
“This is your last semester?”
“Yup. Heading off to college. Somewhere. Shit, I haven’t even thought about college. I mean, I applied places and everything, but I just haven’t had time to think about it.”
“Oh? You been preoccupied with something?” Luke smiles.
I laugh and play with my necklace. It’s a new one I just picked up yesterday. A plain silver locket. Of course, it’s the fortune inside that really matters.
“Well, let me tell you, what people like us have to go through with our people in “That Place,” you learn more about life than you ever will in college. It’s not the big deal everyone makes it out to be. Eventually you’ll leave and wonder what all the fuss was about.”
“Yeah. Kind of like high school.”
“Yeah. We’ve seen the end of the world, watched people we love try to fight their way back. Who said what about which clique, your major, the clubs you join or don’t…that’s nowhere near the end of the world.”
I nod. It’s the first time Luke’s actually looked sad. He’s not angry anymore, at least not right now.
“I decided to go to the University of Minnesota because it meant I could be closer to my dad. I thought it’d be good to try and fix whatever relationship we could salvage. He doesn’t want to see me, says he doesn’t want my ‘guilt visits’. But I keep going back. I don’t think he’ll get better though. He’s gonna die in there or out here. At least I’m trying though, right?”
“You can only fix yourself.”
“Yeah, yeah. That’s what the fortune cookie said.” Luke smiles and stands up. It’s time for me to go. He gives me a hug. “Don’t be a stranger, kid. Keep in touch.”
I smile.
“You too.” It makes me sad to be leaving someone else, but it’s a different kind of sad. I’m starting to learn that different is good. I call my mom and tell her I’m heading home. Just in time for Christmas. I tell her we need to start getting serious about the whole “college “ thing. I remember a few letters coming about acceptances and scholarships -- and deadlines. I’ll have to decide fast. I have a feeling I’m not going to be roommates with Amanda next year even though she’s called several times this week. That actually comes as kind of a relief. I think I want to do this on my own.
“You will have good luck in your future endeavors.”
I like Luke. Not in an “I think he’s good enough to replace my dead boyfriend” way, but he’s easy to talk to and I’m glad to have him in my life. He might not understand everything I’m going through with William’s death, but he understands enough of it that it’s not like talking to a wall. I have someone to talk to. I guess I could call him a friend. Maybe not a best friend, or even a really good friend, but he’s a friend. That makes one more person I have on my side than I did when I left for Minnesota.
The Upward Turn.
I guess I can cross that off my grief checklist (yes, I cross things off checklists). Things really are starting to get better. Maybe there’s something about Minnesota that’s keeping me and the universe in check. I’d like to think there’s so much of William left behind here that it’s making good things happen. His spirit is influencing the universe. Not to mention the fortune cookies.
I think I’ve given up on fortune cookies for the time being. Most of it is because I’ll never get a fortune that tops the one William had waiting for me, but some of it is that I think we need some time apart to build the magic back up again. Fortune cookies only work from a distance. I can’t keep trying to make them give up their secrets. A phenomenon that spectacular cannot be forced to perform on demand. At least that’s how I’m going to choose to look at it. Besides, I actually have something I can consider closure with William. I can’t ask for anything more right now.
Since it looks like I’ve mastered the upward turn that leaves only two stages of grief left for the drive back home: “Reconstruction and working through” and “acceptance and hope”. I’m not sure how well I’ll really be able to work through these stages. From the sound of them I feel like they’re stages that require planning and paper and a realistic view of the future. Not exactly something I can work on in a moving car, although the whole list doesn’t seem so important anymore. I have my locket and a fortune that was worth the drive. I’m almost happy enough to say I don’t care what happens next.
Almost.
It’ll all come crashing back the closer to home I get. Eventually. I’ll have to deal with the calls from Amanda. I’ll have to go back to work and talk to Mel – really talk to her – and maybe be asked questions I don’t have the answers to yet. I have to try and explain all this to my parents and hope they find a way to understand. I can’t just live in my world forever. Eventually I’ll have to go back to the world I share with everyone else. Things won’t be easy when that happens. Things will very quickly settle back into the everyday, and what happened in Minnesota will just be that good feeling I wish I could get back.
I could go to school up here, and that could help keep everything feeling different. I’d be able to hold onto this feeling a little longer, stay closer to William a little longer. Just getting away from home helps. It might be running away, but after I graduate most of the problems worth running away from won’t be problems anymore. It’s about not wanting to be around all those triggers. Seeing all the places William and I used to share and the places where we talked about our future is just too much right now. Being away from it all in a place that still feels like home might actually be the best solution.
There’s a school of thought that says a recovered addict is better off away from home. Now, this doesn’t mean they’re better off never talking to their family again or anything like that, but it means getting away from the triggers that cause an addict to be an addict in the first place. Like with William, there were people at home who he’d drink with and do other things with, and no matter how long he was clean they’d still be here. The chances of him staying clean with all those people around him who didn’t think they needed to get clean aren’t that great. If he moved away, those people would be gone. He wouldn’t run the risk of seeing them or going to the wrong people to work out a problem. This would make it easier to stay clean. I think that’s what he went so far away to “That Place”. Part of him knew it would help just getting away.
I know this is a strange thing to compare to drugs, but I think grief has started to become my addiction. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, at least not until you start to think about it. The kind of grief I’ve been feeling for the past few months has not been healthy. It’s started to affect my everyday life, I haven’t been sleeping well; I’ve been hovering
on the verge of depression; I’ve lost all my old friends; I’m lashing out at my parents and people I don’t even know. Nothing about it is healthy, and yet I can’t seem to let it go when I’m at home. There are too many things that remind me of him. Too many triggers from all those old memories. I just keep telling myself there’s nothing I can do about it, that grief has to run its course, and in a sense that’s true. But not this kind of grief. This kind of self-serving grief, the kind that makes it impossible to want to move on with my life. It has to go. This kind of grief is not doing me any favors, and it’s not the right way to remember William. If I want to really start to move on, I think I’m going to have to start over in a totally new place. Sure, it might not be necessary, but I need a symbol of “moving on” before I can actually start to do it.
At least I know what I have to work on now. I’m starting to feel like things will be okay.
After those thoughts the drive home is pretty uneventful. It’s amazing how much better time I make without stopping for food every hour. My mind still wanders and I still get emotional. I’m happy, sad, depressed, hopeful, everything all at once. But I’m not forcing any of it to happen. That’s just how it works. Something reminds me of a memory or triggers something that triggers an emotion. There’s no order to anything. It’s nice for my emotions to be unpredictable again. I’m getting used to it. It’s actually comforting in this strange way, something I can count on I guess. Actually, it’s more like something that’s normal. Normal is good for right now. I can learn to live with it.
“So, how was your trip?”
Today is one of the rare occasions when Mel is actually with me up front the whole time. We have boxes of books from buyback day to sort through, price, and stock. Judging by the number of boxes, that’s probably all I’ll be doing for the next week. Mel looks a little preoccupied, but not nearly as bad as the last time I saw her.
“It was good. I think I managed to sort through a lot of emotions. I feel like I’m more prepared to move on. Just in time for the new year.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Mel looks up from her stack of books and looks at me. “You know you could have had all the time off you needed. If I’d known, I probably would have forced you to take a day or two off. You could have told me, you know.”
“I know. It’s just…” I look up from my books and try to think of the right words. “I wasn’t sure how you’d react. I wasn’t even sure how to bring it up in conversation. I hate the idea of people feeling sorry for me or thinking I’m just saying it to get attention. It just seemed easier to deal with it on my own.”
Mel nods. “Next time you have something like that happen to you, you can tell me. I’m not going to judge.”
“Well…” I look down at my pile of books nervously. I’d done a lot of thinking on the ride down but I haven’t actually talked to anyone else about it. Decision time is coming up quickly though. It’s about time I make things official with someone. “Actually, there is something I wanted to talk to you about. I know I’ve been planning on going to college close by and working here during the year, but I’ve started to change my mind. I think I’m going to go to school further away. So I’m going to have to quit after this summer. I’m sorry. I just need to get away.” I feel terrible as I’m saying it. Mel gave me my first job. She’s been so nice to me. She understood my problems and she hasn’t judged me for how I’ve handled them (or not handled them). I don’t want to just quit on her. It doesn’t seem right somehow. I do want to get away. I think I’ve convinced myself I need to. Mel will understand. She has to. I hope.
Mel just laughs.
“Of course that’s alright! I never expected you to stay here forever. You’d have to leave eventually. And I promise to give you an excellent recommendation whenever you need one.”
I let out a deep breath.
“Thanks, Mel. You’re the best first boss I could have asked for.”
“Aw, thanks, girlie.” She winks and then goes back to sorting out the books.
I’m going to miss this a lot. Working somewhere else won’t be the same. But it is time to move on. I think that’s the biggest life lesson I learned on my trip: we have to move on.
I get ready to leave for the day and turn around to look at the place that’s been my second home for the past four years. I can’t imagine not coming to work here every weekend. I can’t imagine being away from so many books, or from Mel. It seems so weird to know I’ll eventually be leaving for good. I think I’ll even miss the terrible customers. Sure, they drive me crazy, but they always make for good stories when I get back home. If you think about it, though, four years isn’t really that long. It seems like forever, especially those four years of high school, and a lot has happened, but four years from now I’ll be graduating from college (hopefully), and then these four years won’t seem like such a long time after all. It’s a little scary to think about growing up like that. I mean, it just seems so final. There’s nothing I can do to change it. No matter how long those four years felt, they’re almost over now. I’m not sure I want to leave, but I know I can’t stay. It’s all kind of scary. But to tell the truth, I’m finally starting to get a little excited.
“The road does not get easier, but it does go on.”
I’m not going to lie. Going back to school after break is hard, almost harder than walking into “That Place”. The only thing that makes it possible is knowing that in a few short months I’ll never have to go back. I’ve even started to come to terms with what’s really going on with my group of misfit friends. We’d all come together because we didn’t know where else to go. We were there for each other, kind of, as support. Now though, the future is coming at us full speed. We can’t rely on our little group to keep us safe and get us through anymore. We are all going to be on our own soon enough. We are all just trying to find a place we could belong a little more permanently. I really am going to miss a few of my friends, but I think I want to move on even more than I want to go back.
“Hey, Crissy, did you get my message?” Amanda runs over to me, all smiles and excitement like nothing ever happened.
“I was out of town.” I play with my locket. “Why? What’s up?” Might as well be nice. I’ll probably never see her again anyway.
“You never go out of town.” She says it like she knows me better than I do. Not that she really bothered to get to know me.
“Think of it as a new leaf.” She’s not the only one who can sound condescending.
“Whatever. I wanted to get your info and stuff, for housing next year. You know, roommates.” She puts her arm around me and actually seems excited. We really click at times like this, when things are great and there’s nothing to take seriously. We’d kill each other if we tried to live together. The only behavior you can control is your own, you know.
“About that…” I put my arm around Amanda. It feels like we’re friends, and I actually would like to try and keep it that way. Besides, maybe if we get over this weird fight thing and actually start to grow up, we might grow into friends and I’d like that. “I’m actually going to a different school now. I know it’s last-minute but I just wanted a change. Thought I’d go north instead of south.” People change.
“Oh please. Is this about you being a bitch, because I was ready to forgive you. Get the fuck over yourself.”
At least, they can if they want to.
“Think of it this way: we can keep in touch and talk about our crappy roommates instead of not talking because we’re each other’s crappy roommates.” I decided to change. I can now open my mouth without rising to an occasion. I have William to thank for that. I look down at my locket. Every time I have the courage to do something I normally wouldn’t, I know it’s him, sending me just a little more bravery because he can’t be here to hold my hand. I remember when Amanda and I first met, on our first day of high school. We were both too cool to be nervous, but we were. We didn’t have anyone else to hang out with, talk to, or sit with at lunch. So
mehow we found each other and after one hour it felt like we’d been best friends forever. We laughed at the same jokes, liked the same things, thought the same guys were cute. It seemed like the perfect fit. I’d wanted to have a best friend like that for so long. Every semester we’d try to match up our schedules, complain if we couldn’t take the same classes or even have the same lunch. We could talk about everything. When I first met William and she’d first met Jake, we talked a lot about them too. We talked about what would happen if we got married, where we’d live, what our lives would be like. We talked about being each other’s maid-of-honor. We talked about what kind of friends we’d be when we were old. We talked about how we wanted our lives to turn out. She’d talk about how she was scared of turning into her mom and I’d tell her how I was scared I’d never find a purpose in my life.
We really had been best friends. Just because we weren’t anymore didn’t mean I had to erase all that history. For three years we’d been the absolute best of friends. I’m not sure what happened, but I think it happens to everyone. All I know for sure is that I’m tired of fighting. I don’t want to hate Amanda anymore.
“Um, yeah, okay…” Amanda seems a little shocked. It feels good to speak my mind without acting like a lunatic.
The bell rings and I head to the first class of my last semester.
“You’re still a fucking bitch!” Amanda calls, but she’s smiling this time.
I roll my eyes and keep walking to class. It feels like old times. I’ll probably never see her again after graduation.
Chasing William Page 15