Dev found himself spending lots of time at the office, but he wasn’t getting any work done. He missed Noelle. No, that wasn’t right. He ached for her and he still didn’t know what had happened between them. When had everything gone so wrong?
He lived his day knowing leaving had been the right thing, but wanting desperately to go back to her. But how could he if he couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted most? He refused to let her live a life of unhappiness, the way his mother had.
There had been times when—
The door to his office opened and his father walked in. Dev rose to his feet, intent on getting rid of the man as quickly as possible, then he sank back into his seat. What was the point? He’d screwed up every other relationship in his life, maybe it was time to confess all and screw up this one, too.
“I’d ask how it’s going,” his father said as he settled in a chair across from Dev’s. “Only I can imagine. She’s upset, you’re upset. This really sucks.”
The summation would have been humorous if it hadn’t been so accurate and painful. “It’s all my fault,” Dev said.
“I doubt that.” His father sipped on the cup of coffee he’d brought in with him. “It generally takes two to mess up a relationship.”
“Not in this case,” Dev said, then drew in a breath. “Not with Jimmy, either.”
He told his father what had happened to his youngest son. How Jimmy had been in and out of trouble, how he, Dev, had tried to convince him to change his ways. How in the end, Dev had given him a choice of military service or jail. How he’d been responsible for Jimmy’s death.
When he was finished, his father gazed at him for a long time.
“I was right there with you, son, until that last bit.” He took another sip of the coffee. “Jimmy always chose the hardest path. I could see it, even when he was five or six. He hated rules, he tested everyone around him. If there was an easy way and a hard way, Jimmy found the hard way.”
“I’m the one who issued the ultimatum,” Dev said, wishing for the millionth time he could have that moment back.
“You didn’t steal for him and you didn’t shoot him. Dev, Jimmy’s course was set a long time ago. You couldn’t save him by staying and I couldn’t save him by leaving.”
Dev stared at his father. “What are you talking about?”
“I left because of Jimmy. I thought maybe if I wasn’t around to be a bad influence, he’d do better. My father said he could make things right with Jimmy and I believed him.”
“That’s not true,” Dev said angrily. “You said you were leaving so I wouldn’t turn out like you. I was the reason you left.”
His father frowned. “Noelle mentioned something about that. I…” The older man swore. “Dev, I am so sorry. You were sharing a room. Do you remember? Jimmy was having nightmares after his mother died, so we put that air mattress into your room. The night I came to say goodbye, I was talking to Jimmy, not you.”
Dev didn’t have to close his eyes to remember that night. It had been late, well after midnight, and he’d awakened to find his father standing in the doorway. The hall light had been on and his father’s face had been in shadow. Dev hadn’t been able to read his dad’s expression, but he still remembered the pain of his father’s words. Words not even meant for him.
“I thought you left because of me,” he repeated slowly.
His father half rose, then sank back into his chair. “That explains a lot. I wondered why you never wrote me back. I knew you’d be angry and hurt because of my leaving. I just didn’t know…” Jackson Hunter suddenly looked old and broken.
“Why would I ever worry about you turning out like me?” his father asked. “You’re too much like your grandfather for that to happen.”
There was something about the way he made the statement. “Didn’t you and your father get along?”
Jackson laughed. “About as well as you and Jimmy. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. To be responsible and take over the company. I wasn’t interested in that.” He shrugged. “Or anything. I lacked ambition. Your grandfather couldn’t forgive that.”
Dev couldn’t get his mind around the information. From the time he was sixteen years old, he’d defined himself by his father’s words. To not turn out like him. But as he hadn’t known what his father meant, the path had been shaded and confusing.
“I screwed up,” his father said. “By trying not to screw up, I made things worse. I’m sorry, Dev. If I’d known, I would have stayed and…” He paused and took a sip of his coffee. “Sorry, no. That’s crap. I would have left anyway.”
“Because of Mom?”
His father nodded. “That’s my guilt.”
“You didn’t love her,” Dev said, confident of this fact. “Why didn’t you? It was all she ever wanted.”
He didn’t want to say more, or accuse too strongly. He had his own demons in the not-loving department.
“I did love her,” his father said slowly. “As much as I could. But it wasn’t enough. She was a black hole of emotion. She wanted to suck the life out of me and even that wasn’t enough. Early on, I thought her neediness was charming. It made me feel like a man to take care of her. But after a while, I found I couldn’t breathe without being strangled.”
Dev didn’t know what to say. His father’s words had nothing to do with the warm, loving memories he had. His mother had always been there for him. She’d waited until he got home from school and then she’d wanted them to be together constantly until his father got home. They’d played games and talked.
He frowned. Now that he thought about it, he realized his mother hadn’t wanted him to bring friends home, nor had she liked him to go hang out at someone else’s house. Abut the time he’d started to rebel against that, Jimmy had been old enough to claim his mother’s attention with his activities.
“No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough,” his father said. “She slowly cut me off from my friends until she was the only one I saw. I knew we’d reached the end when she admitted that she wanted me to quit my job and stay home with her twenty-four hours a day. I knew that was a symptom of something being very wrong. I tried to get her help but she refused. So I ran. Emotionally at least.”
Dev nodded slowly. He’d been about twelve or thirteen when his father had pretty much stopped showing up at home. That’s when his mother started to go downhill. He remembered hearing her crying all night, waiting for a man who wasn’t coming back.
“I took the easy way out,” his father said. “I’m not proud of that. I let you and Jimmy down, I let my father down, although he was used to that. He’d been disappointed in me since the day I was born.”
“Dad, no,” Dev said.
“It’s true. I didn’t care about the company, I wasn’t interested in finance or engineering or any part of the business. Oh, I liked the money well enough. I still do. Those monthly checks keep me going.”
Dev didn’t know what to do with all the information. There had been too much in too short a period of time.
“You’ve done well,” his father said unexpectedly. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. Your grandfather would have been proud, too. You’ve grown his company in ways he never could.”
“I…Don’t be proud of me,” Dev told him.
His father sighed impatiently. “Dammit, Dev, quit being a martyr. If you have to claim some trait from your mother, for God’s sake pick something else. You didn’t kill your brother.”
Dev stood. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Of course I do. Let it go, or the guilt will kill you. You’re not like me. You can’t turn your back on the people you’ve hurt and still live your life. It’ll eat you up inside. You’ve got something good with Noelle. Drop the past and move on.”
Dev sank back into the chair. “I don’t have Noelle.”
“Of course you do. She loves you. Anyone can see that.”
“It’s not what you think. The reason I married her, I m
ean.” He quickly told the story of Noelle’s relationship with Jimmy and subsequent pregnancy.
“It’s a marriage of convenience,” Dev concluded.
His father looked surprised by the information but he recovered quickly. “It may have started out that way, but it isn’t anymore. She loves you and I think you love her. Only you’re acting like a jackass. An unfortunate trait you get from me. The good news is Noelle’s heart is bigger than her sense of self-preservation. You haven’t blown it completely. You can still get her back.”
“What if I don’t want her back?”
“Then you’re a fool. You won’t do better.”
“I don’t expect to do better. I expect her to find someone who can be all she needs.”
His father finished his coffee and tossed the container into the trash by the desk. “You’re willing to let another man touch her and tell her he loves her? You’re willing to let someone else raise Jimmy’s child.”
Dev’s chest tightened. He didn’t want any of that. He especially didn’t want Noelle curled up in another bed, laughing after an amazing night of lovemaking. He didn’t want her making peanut butter cookies for another man, or talking about her day or…
“If I love her, then I’ll break,” he said quietly.
“Love isn’t for sissies,” his father told him. “So you break. Noelle helps you put the pieces back together and you move on.”
“As simple as that,” Dev said, refusing to believe it was possible.
“Why make it complicated? You found an amazing woman, Dev. You got lucky. You’ve always been smart. Why be stupid now?”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s not. But it’s worth it.”
“Have you been in love?” Dev asked.
His father nodded. “Twice. Once with your mother, until she crushed the feeling out of me, and once a few years ago. But she belonged to someone else and she wouldn’t consider leaving him. Love doesn’t come along all that often. When it does, you should grab on with both hands and never let go.”
Noelle had yet to get used to having Dev gone. With Tiffany around, the house was never quiet, but there was definitely something missing. At night her bed seemed too big for one person and she couldn’t seem to get to sleep. Pathetically, she’d taken to wearing one of Dev’s T-shirts instead of pjs, so that she could pretend to be close to him.
She felt emotionally exhausted. So much had happened in the past few weeks. She’d been living a roller-coaster life and part of her just wanted to get off and slow down for a while. But that scenario didn’t include having Dev walk out on her. Instead, she would prefer that the two of them were together, falling deeper in love, discovering how great it was to be married.
“Stupid fantasy,” she murmured as she whipped up a batch of brownies on Thursday morning.
She’d just put the glass pan into the oven, when Tiffany walked into the kitchen and announced, “I’m leaving. I’m going back home. Mom’s coming to pick me up in an hour.”
Noelle was torn between amusement at her sister’s self-made drama and the uncomfortable realization that she was one person closer to being totally alone.
“Okay,” she said. “I’ve enjoyed having you here.”
“I guess I have to thank you for letting me stay,” Tiffany said, not sounding the least bit gracious. “But you weren’t very fun. There are too many rules here. Even Mom doesn’t have this many rules.”
Noelle didn’t bother pointing out that she and her mother had exactly the same rules. If Tiffany needed that as an excuse to go home, Noelle was all for it.
“Are you all packed?” she asked her sister. “Do you need any help?”
Tiffany’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re happy to see me go, aren’t you? You’ve hated having me here.”
“What? No.” Noelle moved close and touched her arm. “Tiff, I’ve really liked having you here. It’s been fun being in the same house again. I’ve missed that. I’m not trying to push you out. I just know that when you’ve made up your mind, it’s made up. My offer to help you pack was just that. An offer to help.”
Tiffany didn’t look convinced. “You shouldn’t be like that. All stiff and full of rules. I know it’s why Dev left.”
Noelle knew her sister was lashing out, hurting in return for being hurt. It didn’t matter that Noelle hadn’t meant to wound. Still, the words did what they were supposed to.
“Dev left for a lot of complicated reasons,” she said quietly.
“He left because you have too many rules and you’re no fun. He was hardly ever home. He didn’t want to be around you.”
Tiffany’s angry outburst articulated every one of Noelle’s personal fears. She ached inside for what she’d wanted and lost without ever having.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Noelle told her.
“See,” Tiffany said. “You don’t even care that he’s gone. You’re not crying. Why aren’t you crying?”
It was too difficult to explain that there weren’t any tears left. Not for Dev or their relationship. Noelle wasn’t sure how to fix things because she was still having trouble figuring out the problem.
“This isn’t about you,” Noelle said. “This is about Dev and me. I’m not going to talk about it.”
“He left because of me, didn’t he?” Tiffany asked as she sank onto the floor. “I was too much trouble. It’s all my fault.”
Noelle sighed. Of course. Her sister was all bravado, but behind that brave face was a typical, confused teenager.
She crouched down and pulled Tiffany close. “Dev’s leaving had nothing to do with you. Even if you’d never been born, he would have gone away.”
Tiffany stared at her. “Promise?”
Noelle kissed the top of her head. “Cross my heart.”
“He shouldn’t have left. That wasn’t very nice. Mom says all newly married couples have problems and the only way to work them out is to live through them.”
“Good advice.”
“You should tell Dev. Or have Mom talk to him. Then he’ll come back and you can be happy again.”
“An interesting idea,” Noelle said, not yet ready to send her mother in to clean up this mess. “Whatever happens with Dev, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
Tiffany sniffed. “I’ve had a good time being with you, but I kinda miss home. You know, my room and stuff. Plus, there’s only a few more weeks until Lily leaves for college and I’d like to spend time with her and Summer.” She shifted onto her knees. “I know. With Dev gone, you could move back, too. It could be like before.”
Noelle glanced at her wedding band. “It can never be like it was before. I’m married now.” And pregnant, she thought, knowing it was about time to tell everyone there would be a baby in the new year.
Tiffany sighed. “I always thought growing up would be really cool, but it isn’t always, is it?”
Noelle smiled at her. “Honestly, sometimes being an adult is a total drag.”
Noelle tried to read a magazine in the doctor’s office, but she couldn’t focus. Her appointment was for her first ultrasound and she was five different kinds of nervous.
Logically she knew everything was fine. Why wouldn’t it be? But this was new and strange and scary and she was by herself.
She’d thought about asking her mom to come along, but she’d started a new job only a couple of weeks before and Noelle didn’t want her to have to take time off so soon. When the appointment had been made, Noelle had assumed Dev would be with her. That would have been plenty of moral support.
She set down the magazine and picked up another one with a cute baby on the cover. Her child was growing inside of her. She still had virtually no symptoms except for the fact that her stomach was getting bigger. She kept waiting for morning sickness or breast tenderness, but so far, nothing.
The door to the waiting room opened. Noelle glanced up, then nearly fell off her chair when Dev walked in. He crossed to
where she was sitting and took the chair next to hers.
“You’re here,” she said, and then felt foolish for stating the obvious.
“You have an appointment. I wanted to be with you for the ultrasound.”
He looked different, she thought as she stared at his face, noting shadows that hadn’t been there before. Did he look thinner and more tired? Or was she just hoping that he was missing her?
Maybe she was an idiot, but she couldn’t help being happy to see him. She wanted to touch him and talk to him. She wanted to know everything he’d been doing. It felt as if they’d been apart a year instead of six days.
“How are you doing?” he asked. “Are you feeling all right?”
“I’m good. Busy with my class. Tiffany moved out. Apparently she finally missed home.”
What she really wanted to say was that she missed him with a desperation that couldn’t be explained in just words. That she wanted him back home, in her life and in her bed. That she would try to love him a little less if he would try to love her a little more and maybe they could meet in the middle.
Instead she asked, “How are you doing?”
“Good. I have suppliers in from China. I’ve been in meetings with them most of the week.” He glanced at his watch. “Katherine is taking them on a tour of the city and we’re getting back together when I’m done here.”
He sounded busy. “You didn’t have to come.”
He took her hand. “I wanted to. Noelle, there are some things I need to talk to you about. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”
Her chest gave a little squeeze of hope. “About good things or bad things?” she asked.
He smiled. “Important things. My suppliers are leaving tomorrow. Can I come by in the afternoon and we’ll talk?”
Only if he was going to tell her that he wanted to try again. She didn’t think she could handle him suggesting they get a divorce now.
“I’ll be home,” she said. “Can you give me a hint as to the topic?”
Just then a nurse stepped into the waiting room and called her name.
Timing, Noelle thought glumly. Life was all about timing.
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