by Nikky Kaye
“Zoe, if I wanted a sex doll I’d get one.” He rose from the couch, efficiently shoving his shirt back into his pants.
And just like that, I went from aroused to anxious to angry. I stood up, wishing his stupid minimalist couch had a throw pillow for me to chuck at his head. Instead I had to settle for throwing him dirty looks.
“You’re so fucking patronizing sometimes, Nathan! Just because you’re older, richer, more experienced or whatever, doesn’t mean you need to be so goddamn condescending!”
He opened his mouth, then pressed his lips together tightly. Whatever he’d wanted to say, he refrained. It was the same expression he’d had when I tagged along to that apartment showing with that Lucas dude. Nathan had turned into a stammering mess just trying to introduce me. It had been humiliating. My deepest fears were now spilling out of me, like so much vomit after my rollercoaster ride of sexual self-discovery.
“Are you ashamed of me?” I asked him, feeling smaller just by posing the question. Now I really wished there was a pillow I could hug to myself.
“Is that what your friends think?”
“No!” I yelled. “I don’t know. I don’t talk about you like that.” I tried not to talk about him at all. Whatever we had begun was ours, private and new.
“You make me feel like an idiot for wanting you. You know that?” Now it was my turn to clamp my lips together, as I sensed a telltale prickling in my nose. I was going to start crying soon. I hated crying.
“You’re not an idiot.”
“This—” I waved my hand between us. “This mood swing stuff is not sexy. It’s not fun. This is real punishment, not knowing what you want with me.”
What were we? Did we have a label, an end game, anything? I was his, but was he mine? Could I take him to an office party? Could I kiss him in public?
I hugged my knees to my chest on the couch, the white leather cool on my skin. Nathan walked over to the kitchen area, tugging at his hair and letting out a handful of frustrated huffing noises.
He hid behind the island, watching me carefully and growling occasionally. Now who was acting like a puppy? Unable to stand the silent scrutiny anymore, I hopped off the couch to go to my room. At the very least, putting clothes on might help repair my dignity.
“Zoe.”
I stopped, hating myself for my instant reaction to his command. Woof.
“I hate all this… talking.” He sighed heavily. “Do you want a—what did you call it? A real relationship?”
I turned around to face him. “I’m not sure,” I told him honestly. “Do you?” Did he even know what one was? I doubted it.
The light above the island carved shadows into his face, so that his expression was hard to read. His hands spread out over the stone top, his thumbs tapping impatiently against the hard surface.
“You’re not an idiot for wanting me,” he assured me. “In fact, I’d be a little shocked if you didn’t.”
“Not helping with the patronizing, Nathan.”
“Okay, let me ask you this. What if we met at our parents’ wedding? What if I’d actually gone, met you, asked you to dance, and then tried to fuck you in the coat check room later on?”
The hypothetical picture he painted made me swallow hard, heat sparking through my lower body. “So? So what?” I asked weakly.
“Do you think for one second that anybody there would be happy for us? Or would they be shocked and disapprove because we’re related?”
“Only technically,” I reminded him. “We’re consenting adults.”
He stared at the island, his hair burnished into bronze by the pendant light above him. “Maybe I’m an idiot for wanting you.”
Oh my god. He was ashamed of me.
“Shit, that’s not how I meant it. The look on your face—fuck. Stop it!”
He bolted out from behind the island and stomped toward me with his hands up, as though he was going to physically wipe my expression clean. When he was a foot away from me, I stumbled back. He stopped in his tracks, lowering his hands to his sides.
“Zoe, do you know how many women I’ve had in my bed?”
I couldn’t take much more of this conversation. For the first time, I put my hand up to silence him. “Nathan, please—”
“None. Zero. Fucking nobody.”
“Okay,” he amended, “maybe in the Den of Iniquity.” His air quotes made me smile, even though we were talking about him banging somebody in my now bedroom. Ugh. “But that was just for fun.”
“I’m not fun?”
“Sweetheart, you are work. What I’m trying to say is that you are the first woman to sleep in my bed. To have her girly shit in my bathroom and her shoes in my closet.”
“Technically, they’re still under the be—”
His hand covered my mouth. “This may be a terrible idea,” he said. “And I’m usually known for being a pretty smart guy. But do not, for one single second, think that I don’t want you. I do. I fucking ache for you, Zoe.”
He shook his head, frowning as he continued. “It’s shameful. It’s weak and embarrassing and I’m out of my mind for my hot young stepsister who tastes like candy and who has the thermal self-regulation of a lizard.”
I wrapped my arms around him, his warmth seeping into my bones and soothing me. He did want me, more than he’d probably ever wanted someone before. This was as new to him as it was to me. We both had internships this summer, basically. He was just learning how to adult the same way I was. That was enough for now.
14
Zoe
“I’ve had enough. I can’t dance any more.”
Halle’s mouth, shiny with gloss, turned down in a pout. “It’s only midnight!” she shouted over the music.
Midnight in this club was like four in the morning for me anywhere else.
Halle, Tom and Jordan had formed a cabal to convince me that I needed to be introduced to the club scene. I think they thought parties were banned at my college or something, since it was in the Midwest. I didn’t have the heart to tell them I was actually excited to go dancing. When Halle came to pick me up, though, my enthusiasm waned when Nathan said he’d pass.
“You sure you don’t want to come with us?” I heard her ask as I was finishing my makeup. I froze, mascara wand in hand and perilously close to my eye, waiting for his response.
“Where exactly are you going?”
Great. Like he’s my father. Thanks, Dad. I didn’t hear Halle’s answer, but the scowl on my boyfriend’s face deepened when I made my appearance.
His gaze floated over me, tickling all my nerve endings, but never landed anywhere long enough to scratch the itch. “You look…”
“Hot,” Halle said with an approving nod. I wore a black top and a plain black skirt, but they hugged the right places, and made my skin look like ivory and my hair bright and warm.
Thankfully my blush spreading down my chest wasn’t visible, thanks to the high cut neck of my top. Nathan’s face screwed up in a strange expression, like reluctant admiration mixed with guilt. The heat in his eyes put me off-balance in the best way.
There was only so far I would fall for Nathan tonight, however. Having learned the hard way on the Fourth, I was smart enough to put on ballet flats. When I turned around to grab a wristlet with my ID, phone and cash, I heard a low growl.
“I think you forgot the rest of your shirt,” Nathan ground out.
I fluttered my recently curled and darkened eyelashes at him. “I did? My bad.” I winked at his obvious discomfort. His reaction to my outfit concerned him more than it concerned me.
From the front, my top was sleeveless but primly went up to my neck. But there wasn’t much to the back, just a couple of strategic ties crossing over my back. I wasn’t so naïve not to expect the adult version of the bra-strap snapping that was so charming in early adolescence. Nope, those suckers holding my shirt together were so tight they were practically Gordian-knotted.
“We gotta bounce, Zoe! The guys are waiting for us
in line already.”
Halle’s long blonde hair was twisted up on her head, and the sparkly dress she wore was almost the same color as her skin. She looked like sunshine. Next to her, I looked like I was headed to a funeral. Well, from the front, anyhow.
“Guys?” Nathan repeated.
“Jordan and Tom,” Halle explained to Nathan. I glared at her. Shut the fuck up!
“Tom? Halle, will you excuse us a moment?” Without waiting for a reply, he cupped my elbow and guided me into the bedroom.
“Don’t mess up her face!” my friend called out.
“It’s not her face I want to mess up,” Nathan grumbled under his breath.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Seriously, Nathan? You’re going to be jealous? And don’t give me that whole ‘I trust you but I don’t trust him’ bullshit. You know I wouldn’t let anything bad happen.”
He caressed my face, an indulgent smile on his own. “Zoe, bad things happen even when you don’t let them.”
Spoken like a true, jaded New Yorker. I huffed at him. I knew he was just watching out for me, but it felt—
“And I’m not being condescending—I’m being realistic.”
“Well, realistically speaking, I did manage to get through college without anyone spiking my drink or dragging me into a dark corner to molest me,” I pointed out.
His sigh rumbled against my chest when he pulled me into his arms. “Just remember, don’t take anything, go anywhere alone with anybody, touch anything—”
“Talk to anybody, eat or drink anything, blah blah blah. Are you going to give me a oxygen tank to take with me so you know that the air I breathe is sa—ow!” I rubbed my ass where he’d given it a vicious pinch and pulled away.
“Are you not wearing a bra?”
“Nathan!” I grabbed his hands, trying to get his attention off my boobs and back on my face. “Trust me, please. I’m a big girl.”
“Text me at the top of every hour.”
I rolled my eyes, pivoting on one heel to return to where my friend waited by the door. Feeling his intense gaze on my bare spine made my nipples hard, but I managed to suppress a shiver.
“I’m serious, Zoe,” he warned behind me.
Halle looped her arm through mine. “I’ll take very good care of her, sir. I’ll never let her out of my sight and I’ll have her home from the ice cream social before midnight.”
“Brat.”
Halle mouthed to me, “So hot.”
I sighed. “Oh, for fuck’s sakes. Let’s go.” She let go of my arm in order to get the door.
Nathan still wore a frown, which only eased a little bit when I put my arms around his neck. “I promise, I’ll be fine.” My head lolled back as his fingers trailed up my back. Then they skimmed down again and reached under the waistband of my skirt. “Oh god.”
“Well, at least you’re wearing panties. I still want you to text me,” he ordered as he lowered his mouth to mine.
I barely got my promise out before he sucked the breath from my body. His tongue swept possessively over mine, obliterating whatever smart-ass remark I was going to make. Oh, how I wished I could stay home and molest him in a dark corner, instead of going out dancing. But Halle was difficult to turn down, nor should I have to give up my friends for my... Nathan.
“Good night, big brother,” I teased him on my way out the door. Halle grumbled something about my lipstick now needing to be touched up.
“Text me.”
“What if I forget?” I called out, my voice bouncing off the walls of the hallway.
He leaned against the doorway, watching us walk away, but there was nothing casual about his body language. Nathan was tall, taut, and tempting. I winked at him one more time before punching the button for the elevator.
“Don’t test me.”
Now, a few hours later, it occurred to me that I had forgotten to check in at eleven. I’d sent him a couple of goofy (and sexy) selfies earlier, but the noise made it impossible to hear any ring tones or alerts coming from my phone. I took it out of the wristlet chafing my skin to check—oh shit, four texts and two missed calls. All from Nathan, and increasingly concerned.
I performed some truly stellar mime for Halle and Jordan, indicating that I needed to sit one out and use my phone. Tom was somewhere over by the bar, getting another round of drinks. I hoped he was grabbing water bottles, as well. When I looked around for him, I was surprised to find him on a couch in the corner.
Limping over to him, I realized just how hot and tired I was. It turned out that ballet flats were just as painful as heels after dancing in them for a couple of hours.
“Bottle service,” Tom announced proudly, stretching his arms over the back of the couch like he was a rock star.
Please let him mean water bottles. Nope, there was vodka and tequila—nothing zero proof. I sat down beside him with a sigh, practically panting from thirst now. His arm fell off the couch and onto my shoulder.
Real smooth.
Delicately, I shifted forward to make a show out of admiring the bottles. “Nice.”
“That’s how I roll.”
Douche. I rubbed the red marks on my arm after taking off my wristlet. It wasn’t any worse than being tied up by my boyfriend. Actually, he was much gentler. Note to self: find a small purse with a silk scarf loop.
I was so thirsty that I accepted a vodka shot. It wasn’t the first mistake I’d made this evening, but I hoped it would be one of my last. My head spinning a little from fatigue and booze, I read and re-read Nathan’s texts. I was so distracted by them that I barely noticed Tom’s finger faintly tracing my shoulder blade. He was like a mosquito I was going to have to swat away before the whining got too loud in my ear.
-You missed the deadline. Where are you?
-Answer me. I’m worried.
-WTF Zoe pls
I didn’t even bother trying to listen to his voice mails. The chances were good I wouldn’t be able to hear him yelling over the ambient Saturday night noise.
As both my thumbs and my brain twiddled over how to respond, what I did hear over the din was Tom saying “Oh, shit. Your brother’s here.”
15
Zoe
My head shot up, searching the club for him. Even with people between us, Nathan’s gaze caught me like a grappling hook. He wore a black button-up shirt, black pants, and a very… fucking… serious expression. Now he looked like he was going to a funeral, and I had a sinking feeling it would be mine.
My Inner Voice began pleading with me: Come on, I’m begging you. Don’t let me hear ‘I told you so,’ even if it’s deserved. Distract him! Shake your tits or something. There must be some way we can get Nathan off our back—and onto our front.
Tom muttered something about seeing a man about a horse and scurried away, leaving me alone in the line of fire. I didn’t blame him. Every step Nathan took toward me stole a little bit more of my breath and my bravado.
By the time he swooped down on me like Dracula, my thighs were squeezing together in reaction to his proximity and the power of his promise.
“Nathan, I’m so sor—”
His hand whipped up to cut off my apology. I remained silent as he moved around the low table and sat down next to me. My body buzzed with our thighs pressed together and his head touching mine.
“You didn’t listen,” he said in a low, steely voice in my ear.
“I did! I just…”
“Forgot. Did you think I would forget, too?”
I shook my head.
He leaned back against the couch, spreading his arms out like Tom had done. But where Tom looked like a gangsta wannabe, Nathan looked sleek, powerful, and like he belonged in a place surrounded by noise, music, women, and excess.
He said nothing as he took it all in. Being lectured wasn’t nearly as unnerving as waiting to be lectured.
My heart pounded in my chest as I watched him watch everyone else. He was quiet, observant, taking it all in—the dancing, the drinking, the d
rugs surely being passed around in places. My muteness was due to my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth. I eyed the tequila shots that Tom had poured then abandoned, but knew that more alcohol was not the answer.
Nathan was a shimmering drink of water, but I was scared that the oasis was just a mirage. If I reached out for it, I might end up with a mouthful of sand.
“Where are your friends?” he asked, never taking his eyes off the crowd.
“Um, dancing?
“So, you don’t know exactly where they are, and they probably don’t know where you are. That doesn’t sound very safe.”
Well, when he put it that way…
“Now, Zoe, you’re done.” He swiveled on the couch, his attention now on me like a magnifying glass in the sun. “Let’s finish up this club experience and take the party back home.”
It was ironic how dry my mouth was, considering how damp other parts of me were becoming.
“When was the last time you did body shots?” he asked.
“Uh, never?” Licking a stranger’s body had never appealed to me. I’d politely declined Tom’s proposal to do it earlier. Hopefully he thought my wince and shudder was from downing the straight alcohol.
He tilted his head at me. “How’d you get through college without that pre-requisite?”
“I guess I had all the wrong friends.”
“Or the right ones,” he mused. “Okay, baby, where do you want it?”
My mind raced. There weren’t too many parts of me exposed, other than my arms and back. I’d seen people lapping tequila out of other’s navels before. Was he going to pour it on me?
Nathan frowned. “No, that’s disgusting.”
My inner voice had become my outer voice once again.
“And a waste of tequila, even with this lower shelf crap. But,” he said as he leaned into me, “I’m willing to bet your skin is salty enough right now from all that dancing. I can’t wait to suck it off you. When I get you home I’m going to get drunk on your pussy, before I lick every other part of you. I want to cover your body like a whole new skin.”