“I told you I’d fucking kill you, didn’t I?” Rayleigh said, spit flying from her mouth. “I just had a little visit with Ricky! Stand up!”
Janeen held her hand to her face. “I didn’t tell anyone!” she said, sobbing. “Rayleigh, I swear to God!” Janeen was trembling, but slowly got to her feet.
A demon had come to life inside of her, and Rayleigh smiled upon its arrival. Adrenaline and rage pumped viciously through her veins!
Rayleigh slapped Janeen a second time, and the girl hit the pavement again.
“Rayleigh, I swear to God! Please don’t hurt me! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
Rayleigh grabbed Janeen by the hair, yanking her head up, forcing Janeen to look into her eyes. “We’re not friends anymore,” Rayleigh spat. “You call me, I’ll fucking kill you! I see you anytime over the summer, I’ll kill you! I swear to God! You got that? Because I’m not joking! I will fucking kill you, Janeen! That’s a promise!”
Rayleigh, surprised by her own fury, yanked Janeen’s head back, and spat in her face. “You make me sick!”
Janeen cried, eyes closed, and fell back to the pavement.
Rayleigh looked at her one last time and turned down the street.
I warned you.
“Go to hell!” Rayleigh shrieked, clenching her fists.
~
Ricky was by the oak tree, waiting for her. Rayleigh grabbed her notebooks without saying a word.
“What did you do?” Ricky asked, eyes wide.
She threw him the most penetrating look she could muster. “None of your goddamn business. You’ll hear plenty about it, I’m sure.”
“Rayleigh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Apparently, you knew plenty.”
“Rayleigh, please. I don’t want you to go. Please. I’m on your side.”
Rayleigh stopped and looked at him. “Always trying to be the good guy, aren’t you?” she said. “You probably want to fuck her, too, don’t you? If you want, you can.” Rayleigh turned and walked away.
“Rayleigh!” Ricky shouted. “Rayleigh, please! I love you!”
Rayleigh closed her eyes, tuning him out.
~
No roses, no sweet kisses, no doing one another’s hair. As quickly as she’d gained her friends, she’d lost them.
“No life in this body,” she said. Dracula had yet to be seen, at least that particular version, but she knew it well enough already.
She walked through the field toward Roosevelt Street. When she ambled up the sidewalk to her house, her mother was waiting for her at the door, disappointment and concern on her face.
“Rayleigh?”
“Hi,” Rayleigh said. She did not look at her mother but marched straight into the living room.
“Can I talk to you, Rayleigh?” her mother asked.
Rayleigh set her notebooks on the sofa. She turned to her mother.
“I just got a phone call,” her mother said.
Rayleigh looked at her and raised her eyebrows.
“Janeen’s mother. Did you two get in a fight?”
Rayleigh took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes. In her mind, she felt she’d done what any girl would have done. Janeen had had it coming.
“Yes,” she said simply.
Her mother looked at her, waiting for her to go on. “Rayleigh, you can tell me what happened.”
“I’d rather not, Mom. It’s pretty complicated.”
“So, you just decided to beat up your best friend?”
“She’s not my friend, Mom. She never was.”
Her mother looked angry but remained calm. Instead, she sighed and put her hands on her hips. “Don’t you want to talk about it? What did she do that was so bad?”
Rayleigh closed her eyes, seeing Janeen on the sidewalk, holding her face, black mascara pouring down her cheeks. She felt ill knowing she’d been responsible for that.
“She told Ricky some things. She likes me, Mom. Likes me. Not as a friend. She tries to get me to kiss her all the time. She’s got problems. She told Ricky she had sex with me, so I went to her house, and we walked down the street to talk, and then I slapped her across the face as hard as I could...twice, then I grabbed her by the hair and spit in her face. I was tempted to kick her in the stomach, but I resisted. So, I beat the shit out of her, instead. How’s that?”
Her mother stared at her in horror. “Rayleigh, are you lying to me? Janeen? That sweet girl?”
“She’s not a sweet girl, Mom! She’s a fruitcake! She made up a bunch of lies, told them all to Ricky, and now he hates me, too! No wonder they move so much.”
Her mother shook her head. She put a hand to her brow. “You promise me you’re not lying?”
“No, Mother,” Rayleigh said, impatiently. “I’m not lying. What would you have done?”
Dorothy shook her head. “I probably would have slapped her, too, Rayleigh. But that doesn’t make it right. I feel sick and appalled by the whole thing, really.”
“Now you know how I feel.” Her complexion turned gray and mottled. Her eyes watered, chin trembled, and she shook her head. “That little slut was the only friend I had, Mom,” Rayleigh said on the verge of tears.
“Watch your mouth, Rayleigh, please.”
Rayleigh closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around her mother.
“What did Ricky say? Did you talk to him?”
“I told him to go to hell,” Rayleigh said, and started crying.
“Why?”
“Because I thought he believed her. I think he did.”
“Oh, Rayleigh,” her mother said.
“I lost my best friend and my boyfriend in a span of ten minutes,” she said.
“Rayleigh. I’m sorry. I really am.”
Rayleigh nodded. “I hate her, Mom. I hate her I hate her I hate her!” Rayleigh wept uncontrollably.
“I know, dear,” her mother said. “I know.”
Rayleigh held her mother for a long time. She had never felt more defeated.
10.
Silent Killer
“You can stay with me forever. It doesn’t have to end this way.”
They were at the baseball field behind the school in the dark. Both of them had sneaked out of the house to meet, Janeen’s face ghostly under the moonlight.
“Do you want to kiss me?”
Rayleigh nodded and leaned in to kiss her, and Janeen responded hungrily. In the background, Ricky sat on the bleachers, a smile on his face, leaning back, smoking a cigarette.
They kissed, and Janeen put her hand on Rayleigh’s chest. Rayleigh breathed heavily and took her hand away.
“This isn’t right,” she said.
“We’re supposed to be together. That’s why I’m here…to be with you. You will never get rid of me.”
“It isn’t right,” Rayleigh said.
“Right or wrong doesn’t matter.” Janeen put her hand…down there, slipping it under the fabric of her shorts.
“Don’t,” Rayleigh said, grabbing her hand.
“It’ll make us stronger. You’ll see. If you let me. You’ll see.”
“I don’t want to see.”
Rayleigh grabbed her hand and removed it. This was sin, too much sin for young girls to be doing. What if her parents found out? What if they knew?
Janeen leaned close and licked Rayleigh’s neck.
In the distance, a wolf howled.
“You’ll see,” Janeen said. “You won’t get away from me. I love you too much to allow that.”
“Come on, you guys,” Ricky shouted from the bleachers. He stood up to get a better view. “You promised!”
“See,” Janeen said, looking at Ricky. “He knows. That’s why I invited him.”
“You betrayed me,” Rayleigh said.
“It doesn’t have anything to do with that,” Janeen said. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Don’t you know what the three of us are capable of?”
“I don’t want to know.”
Janeen
put her hand on Rayleigh’s hip. “Okay?”
“Okay,” Rayleigh said.
Rayleigh closed her eyes. Janeen’s lips brushed against her thighs. When she looked down, blood shimmered below her waist. But it wasn’t coming from her. Janeen’s mouth was bleeding.
“Light, you will go away with me into the dark,” Janeen said. “Light, you have always been to me.”
Rayleigh closed her eyes. She felt sick to her stomach.
“That’s more like it!” Ricky shouted, pumping his fist in the air.
Hadn’t she ended this? Hadn’t she done something to prevent this moment, this horror from repeating itself? Why did she feel so helpless now?
A rush of revulsion washed over her. She was going to throw up.
“Go go go!” Ricky shouted, jumping up and down.
Again, when Rayleigh looked, Janeen had turned into a thinner, younger, more grisly version of herself. Her skin was sparse, falling off her head. She had no eyes. The thing licking her had a forked tongue and sharp, pointed teeth. It kissed her, then reared back and hissed. Janeen bit into her thighs, ripping away a mouth-sized chunk of flesh.
Rayleigh screamed in pain and sat bolt upright in bed, the glow of the moon shedding light through the window.
No creature feature compared with this.
Rayleigh buried her face in her hands and wept.
~
With her father shopping for garlic bread, and Mother upstairs cleaning and prepping for supper (Tonight they were having spaghetti again. Dorothy thought she made it better than the Blue Parrot, but Rayleigh bit her tongue), Rayleigh looked at her budding self in the mirror. She wore a short, tight blue T-shirt. Black underwear hugged her thin hips. She figured, at this point, she probably wouldn’t get much taller, but she’d grow four more inches (she was tall for a sixth grader), and she’d develop some more, taking her eventually to one-hundred and thirty pounds.
She expected a phone call, Janeen’s pleading voice on the other end, begging forgiveness, but Rayleigh heard nothing as the days passed.
Instead, she spent some time in her room, thinking about what kind of girl she wanted to be. At the moment, she wasn’t sure who that was.
“We love you, Rayleigh,” she said to herself in the mirror. “Gray clouds love you. Sunshine loves you, stars and trees.”
She didn’t feel her old vampire self. The episode with Janeen left her feeling bitter and guilty.
Rayleigh closed her eyes. She didn’t want to look at herself suddenly.
She didn’t question that what Janeen had done was wrong, but maybe slapping her and spitting in her face had been a bit extreme.
“You can cry if you want to,” Rayleigh said to her reflection. “It’s okay. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of.” She paused. “Yes you do,” she said. “You have everything to be ashamed of.” She opened her eyes, which brimmed with tears. “I love you,” she said. “If it means anything at all. Isn’t that all that matters, that you love yourself?” She took a deep breath. Inside, she disagreed.
She’d lost everything. Janeen had made her feel dirty, corrupt, and vile. Rayleigh, in order to make herself feel better, tried focusing on what she had to be thankful for: a loving mother and father.
“Girl,” she said to her reflection. “You are all alone now. There’s nothing left.” She closed her eyes. Tears slid down her cheeks. A metal clasp seemed to tighten around her brain and heart at the same time.
The real horror, she supposed, was Ricky. She thought about calling him, wanted to, resisted, felt the urge, picked up the phone, decided against it, then put it back down again. She simply couldn’t. What she’d done was horrible, ghastly. She’d pushed him away, but he’d believed Janeen before he’d even talked to her, and that was all she could think about.
“You’re gone,” she said to the mirror. “And he’s gone, and nothing can change that, Rayleigh. Maybe it was supposed to happen. Maybe there was no other way to deal with it. Did you ever think of that?” She paused. “Maybe Janeen and Ricky will get together. Maybe that’s what Janeen wanted all along, what Ricky wanted, even you. Maybe it was obvious from the start.” She turned away and sat on the bed, putting her hands on her knees, but she turned back to the mirror. “You’re a ghostly vampire,” she said.
But she saw herself as worse. Her complexion was not white but a pasty, mottled gray. She’d slept fitfully, the dream still vivid. She saw a stupid, ugly girl staring back at her from the mirror, too skinny, too pale, a gangly freak of nature. Her hair contrasted horribly with her skin. Her eyes weren’t beautiful at all. They were too big. She was like a praying mantis.
“You’re a leper. You might as well have claws and teeth. You’re that stupid. You’re that ugly. If people knew who you really were, they wouldn’t think you pretty at all. What good is pretty when you have a demon inside you? Too bad you have to see yourself that way in order to understand who you are. You’re not beautiful inside or out. So, why are you here? What does it matter? Live or die. You’re easily forgotten.”
She closed her eyes. She thought things would be different, imagined the summer being one of the best in her life, spending time with Ricky under the oak tree, watching scary movies with Janeen, drinking soda, eating pizza. All of that was gone—in one fleeting moment.
The reason for her destruction stared back at her from the mirror. She didn’t think she’d ever feel good about herself again, and the feelings, she knew, would follow her throughout the rest of her life.
But we love you, Rayleigh. I love you. I am with you forever. I am here and now. I am treasure, light, and sound. With you, I will go away into the dark. I will hold your hand. You will never be afraid with me by your side. Light, Rayleigh, you are to me.
Rayleigh closed her eyes, tears brimming again. A new voice emerged, one she’d never heard before. It did not intend to dupe or destroy her. It was sincere, even caring. It wanted her to be happy.
“I will always be this way,” she said, opening her eyes. “Despite how much I want to change. Despite what you are to me, I will never see anything other than what I truly am.”
And what is that, Rayleigh?
“Inhuman,” she said. “A monster.”
Silence. Laughter sounded in her brain. She was feeling sorry for herself, the voice said.
Dreamer. There is so much more to you than that. You have the opportunity to inspire the masses.
Something about the voice. She let the tears come. Her hands went to her face. Tears had built up over the events of the last two months. Tears drenched her palms and face. Her chest hitched with sobs.
“If I have anything good at all, then why do I feel this way? Why do I keep coming back to this? What am I supposed to be doing? How come I can’t be better, BIGGER than what I am?” She paused, wiping her eyes. “I am not Corona of Blue. I have seen Corona of Blue, and it’s not me. It’s something else. I will always be a haunted girl. I have been raped of my own mind.”
For the moment, the thought actually made her feel better. Her tears—for the time being—were put on hold. She needed a good nap. Maybe the bright sun on her pale skin would cure her…some fresh air. Her mother suggested she get out earlier, but Rayleigh had been defiant.
“So you’re just going to sit down here in your room and sulk all day?” her mother had asked.
Rayleigh heaved a sigh. “I just don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to be left alone. I feel evil, Mom. I feel like I killed someone.”
“Rayleigh, that’s ridiculous. You know what I said when Janeen’s mother called? I said if she wanted to come over here and confront you, she’d have to go through me first.”
Rayleigh raised her eyebrows. “Really? Thanks, Mom.”
“Do you want to help me get supper ready? You can make the meatballs.”
“I don’t like putting my hands in it. It’s gross.”
Dorothy smiled. “All right. But try not to barricade yourself in your room for too long. If you want to
talk, I’m right here.”
“Okay.”
Her mother looked at her for a moment, nodded, then left.
Rayleigh turned to the mirror again and said, “You’re evil. How can you not be? You’re a ghostly vampire, for God’s sake!”
She remembered the first time Janeen had been able to spend the night, how they’d curled up with cream sodas watching The Evil Dead. On the screen, a demon-possessed girl levitated in the air, scars on her face, her eyes milky blue. “Why have you disturbed our sleep—awakened us from our ancient slumber? You will die! One by one we will take you.”
“Jesus!” Janeen exclaimed, eyes wide.
Next to her, Rayleigh laughed, savoring the moment.
“This is an awesome movie!” Janeen said, excitedly.
“Wait ’til the end,” Rayleigh said.
She closed her eyes, shaking her head.
She looked around her room, studying the vampire from the Salem’s Lot poster. “That’s what I look like, only worse,” she said.
You have no idea how much you’re loved, how rich that makes you. Loving you is what is going to save you. You should be grateful.
“That’s easy for you to say,” she said.
It’s the truth.
Rayleigh sighed and figured enough was enough. She couldn’t—despite how much she wanted—stay in her bedroom and ‘sulk’ forever.
After looking at herself in the mirror, she breathed heavily, eyes still puffy and red. Rayleigh stood up, put some pants on, and walked upstairs.
In the kitchen, her mother was stirring the spaghetti sauce with a wooden spoon in a big, silver pot.
“Have you made the meatballs yet?” Rayleigh asked.
Her mother looked at her and smiled. “No. The meat’s still in the fridge.”
“I’ll make the meatballs,” Rayleigh said.
“I’ll get you a bowl.”
Rayleigh went to the table and put the meat in the bowl. She grabbed the eggs and bread crumbs. “How do you want it seasoned?” she asked.
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