‘What are you saying?’
‘Aliya, you have to understand love.’
Oh, that again.
‘Aliya, when did your grandfather leave Dard-e-Dil for Karachi?’
‘Summer, nineteen forty-six.’
She nodded. ‘Hasn’t that ever struck you as strange?’
Before she even finished the sentence I realized how strange, how very strange the timing was. In the summer of 1946 no one knew for sure that Pakistan would become a reality. So how could Akbar’s reason for coming to Karachi have been his desire to be a Pakistani?
Meher Dadi turned slightly and pointed up at the painting of the Dard-e-Dil palace again. ‘He made his decision there, on the first of July, nineteen forty-six.’
The family, she said, had gathered on that date for the Nawab’s birthday but, coming so close after Congress’s rejection of the Cabinet Mission Plan, the evening was anything but celebratory at the start. Sulaiman and his wife had just returned from a European holiday and when dinner was served, the promise of wine and food turning the evening festive at last, he and Akbar broke away from the rest of the crowd and forwent the delicacies of the royal kitchen to sit on a verandah and talk. The three months Sulaiman had been away was the longest period the brothers had ever been apart, and Meher Dadi recalled how, even during the initial stages of the party, Akbar was more cheerful than he had been for weeks. Dadi watched the brothers walk towards the verandah and said, ‘Thank God.’ She asked Sulaiman’s wife, ‘Is your husband also impossible to live with when his brother isn’t around?’ Sulaiman’s wife – a beautiful but insipid woman whom Sulaiman had married in haste without remembering the repentance part of the axiom – probably responded but Meher Dadi swears she can’t remember a word the woman ever said. Nor does she remember what took her to the room which led out to the verandah where the brothers sat, but she can’t forget what she heard when she got there.
At first it seemed like just another conversation about politics, although how anyone could think any discussion of politics was ‘just another conversation’ in 1946, I don’t know. In fact, I’m sure that right from the beginning there must have been something about the conversation which marked it as unusual. Why else would Meher Dadi have stayed to eavesdrop?
Imagine a summer night with crickets chirping and a cool breeze carrying away the oppressive heat of the sunlight hours. In the background, the tinkle of glass and laughter and the spurt of water from fountains. But something else was in the air – an edge of desperation to the revelries. Someone that evening had reached down to a flower bed and let a handful of rich loam trickle through his fingers and, though he was merely looking for a fallen pearl button, the word ‘symbolic’ raced through the gathering. Seemingly oblivious to this, two brothers, identical, reclined on garden chairs, the glow of cigarettes held between their gesturing fingers prompting fireflies to swoop in for a closer look.
‘How can you say you believe both in secularism and in this Pakistan idea?’ Sulaiman picked up an ashtray and held it on his knee, within Akbar’s reach.
‘I believe in secularism. But I don’t believe in Congress. If they aren’t willing to compromise now, why should they do so when the British leave? Oh, Sully, the divisions exist. Blame it on who you will – the British, the politicians, the Hindus, the Muslims, whoever. Fact is, they exist today to an extent they never have before. And relationships are not motor cars; they can’t be reversed. Not between individuals; not between groups. Certainly not between Congress and the League. If the English had left after World War One things might have been different. But now it’s too late for the dream, Sulaiman.’
‘If this Pakistan comes into being and you support it, then it will be too late.’
‘Don’t you see that history has left us behind?’ He passed his cigarette to Sulaiman, who always liked the last drag best. ‘The other not-quites shaped history; we are shaped by it. We have no power except over our own lives.’
‘And each other’s, Akbar.’ Sulaiman stood up and Meher Dadi ducked back into the shadows of the room to avoid being seen. She always regretted doing that, she said. Maybe if she’d stepped out, stopped the conversation, everything would have been different.
‘How can you even consider leaving your home?’ Sulaiman said with a gesture meant to encompass all of Dard-e-Dil. ‘Because that’s what you’re thinking about, isn’t it? It’s not just in theory that you’re “for” Pakistan. You actually want to go there, don’t you? We both know that however the borders are decided – I can’t believe I’m talking about this as though it will really happen – but if it does, there’s no chance that Dard-e-Dil will fall in Pakistan. So if you choose Pakistan you have to forfeit home. How can you do that? I don’t understand how anyone can do that, let alone my brothers. First Taimur, now you.’
Akbar sighed. ‘When Pakistan happens – and it will happen, Sulaiman … I thought for a while that the Cabinet Mission Plan might work, but since Nehru has chosen not to accept … Oh, but never mind that for the moment. Yes, when Pakistan happens we’ll all have to choose whether to stay here or go there, and I believe I’ll go. But I’ll only be going next door.’ He laughed. ‘I mean, it’s hardly as though I’m planning never to see the rest of my family again. Most of the Dard-e-Dils will stay here, I know that. But I wish you’d think about coming with me. Think of it, Sulaiman: a new country with all the potential in the world.’ He gestured around him, just as Sulaiman had done seconds earlier. ‘Let’s admit it, this life is over. And for all its decadence and claustrophobia we’ll weep for it. But we’ll scold our children if they do the same. Maybe that’s why Taimur left when he did. He didn’t want to watch his world die.’
‘Oh, good God.’ Sulaiman smacked a palm against his forehead and stood up to pace the verandah. ‘That’s the real reason you’re planning on leaving for Pakistan, isn’t it? You think you’ll find Taimur there. Why? Because Liaquat’s the only politician he ever said a kind word about? Because of those times he said he wanted an option other than England or Dard-e-Dil? Akbar, you idiot.’
Can we believe Meher Dadi’s account of what happened next? How clear a view did she have while trying to hide out of the brothers’ sight? She claims that even as Sulaiman seemed to insult Akbar his hand reached out to brush an insect off Akbar’s shoulder. Akbar did not see Sulaiman, but he felt – or saw – the insect, and his own hand reached back to flick it off. He flicked Sulaiman’s hand away instead, without realizing that it was the very tips of Sulaiman’s fingers he had touched. He must have thought he’d made contact with the insect, because he didn’t turn round and hold Sulaiman’s hand in apology as he would otherwise have done, but said instead, ‘Get that damn thing off me.’ Sulaiman’s face turned to stone and he cursed Akbar, ‘Go to hell,’ and then Akbar’s face, too, became granite.
‘One of us has moved on with his life since Taimur left. One of us isn’t going to spend the rest of his life amidst the crumbling decay of what was once grand just because he’s sure that’s the place his brother will return to. I’m not the idiot here, Sulaiman. Taimur isn’t coming back. So stop tailoring your politics to fit his return and admit the truth. You’ve been miserable since you married that poor woman, and rather than facing the present you concoct visions of future happiness that anyone else can recognize as a pathetic substitute for living. India, free and united and blissfully democratic. Taimur home. Your marriage … Well, I don’t know how great a leap of the imagination transforms that into joy. Sometimes you’re such a child.’
Meher Dadi rushed out to stop the impossible from happening, but it was too late. Sulaiman caught Akbar by the collar. ‘You’re right. You’ve moved on. I haven’t heard you mention Taimur’s name in over a year. And you’ll move on again. Move on from me. Move on from your home. Is there nothing, no one you’re tied to except yourself?’ Sulaiman pushed Akbar away as though his touch was contaminating. ‘When Taimur wrote about kites that have their strings snipped he must have antic
ipated a moment like this. So pack your bags, brother. Go. Who knows? Maybe Taimur really will come back. Maybe he’s only waiting for you to leave.’
‘Oh, please.’ Akbar made a dismissive gesture and turned to go back inside.
‘He came back four years ago. Akbar, he came back.’
Everything happened in slow motion. The expression on Akbar’s face changing from disbelief to bafflement to anger; the explosion of fireworks in the sky behind the brothers; Akbar’s fist slamming into Sulaiman’s jaw.
Sulaiman cupped his chin and tried to sit up. ‘It’s true. When Mama was dying he came back. Taimur came back. I was in her room when he slipped in. Just after dinner. He stayed all night talking about the past, making her smile, making me laugh. In the morning he left.’
‘When Abida and I were in Delhi?’
Sulaiman shook his head. ‘The two of you were in the room next door.’
‘And you didn’t call me?’
‘Taimur said if I did that he’d leave.’
‘Liar! You damned liar.’ Akbar picked Sulaiman off the ground and hit him again.
Sulaiman made a horrible sound. It took Meher Dadi a second to realize he was laughing. ‘Is that an emotion, Akbar? Sorry. Did I bruise your ego?’
‘You’re lying. He didn’t come back. You’re lying.’
‘Really? Remember how everyone thought Mama was delirious in those last days because she kept talking about seeing Taimur in her bedroom?’ Akbar had his head in his hands now, but Sulaiman, spitting blood, pressed on. ‘Please, please, Akbar, do me a favour and go to Pakistan the day it becomes a reality. Go on, leave Dard-e-Dil. Taimur will be back in a flash when he hears you’ve gone.’
Akbar stood up. ‘Well, accept this gesture of brotherly love, then. I’ll leave now and stay away altogether. For ever.’
The next day he flew to Karachi to accept a longstanding offer to join a British company. He never went back to Dard-e-Dil.
Chapter Seventeen
I left Dadi’s house before my grandmother emerged from her room. Meher Dadi seemed to understand. ‘You can’t leap from that story into idle chit-chat,’ she said. ‘Go home. Sit out in the garden where the crickets chirp, and listen to the weeping of ghosts. They deserve a little attention now and then.’
I did just that. It was my favourite time of day; trees and houses and electricity poles silhouetted against the sky which was not so much dark as absent of light. The afterglow of sunset, an in-between time. I lay on the grass, kicked off my shoes and held my hands up, fingers apart, to allow the breeze to caress as much of my body as possible. The rustle of leaves was a benediction. Karachi’s nights remind you that you can love a place, and for me that’s always been a reason to rejoice. But that night I thought of Akbar flying into Karachi for the first time. How alien it must have been to him. How lost he must have been in that first moment when he disembarked and thought, My children will call this home. They will know sunsets over the ocean and the taste of crab so fresh it’s barely dead and they will hear blessings in the breeze from the sea. But they will not know Sulaiman and they will not know Taimur. And in not knowing those two, they will not know me.
He was twenty-six.
History betrayed Akbar and Sulaiman. At any other time the elders of the family would have chastised them for their foolishness, told them they weren’t boys any more, forced them to shake hands. But it was 1946 and all sorts of foolishness was in the air.
When the brothers walked back to the dining room, several feet apart, the assembled company took one look at Meher’s tears and Sulaiman’s jaw and a cacophony of questions arose.
Sulaiman spoke first. ‘My brother has just convinced me that Pakistan is a good idea. We can send the dregs of Dard-e-Dil there, and he’ll be the first.’
The atmosphere in that room was already tense, the good cheer brought on by dinner unable to sustain itself through dessert. If Akbar and Sulaiman hadn’t been so intent on their own rage earlier they would have heard the raised voices, and from the sudden hush that followed they would have known that the Nawab, with all the courtesy and regality at his disposal, had requested that there be no more talk of politics. But the peace that prevailed was uneasy, and it took only one sentence from Sulaiman to destroy it. Before the evening was over the terms ‘polite disagreement’ and ‘neutral party’ had disappeared from the Dard-e-Dil lexicon. Akbar aside, all the other Dard-e-Dils present at the palace that evening would continue to coexist within a radius of a few square miles until the following year, when Pakistan came to life, but it was a strange, strained year with few moments of family solidarity.
(The Nawab? Everyone gathered at the dinner called him Binky. How effective could he have been in bringing them to order?)
Perhaps it was inevitable, the falling out. In a family like the Dard-e-Dils – so proud and so stubborn – it’s hard to imagine people shrugging their shoulders and calling the choice between India and Pakistan just a matter of different opinions. And yet, instead of blaming the family characteristics, we blame Akbar and Sulaiman.
When Samia told me not to mention my grandparents to Baji, it was because the general consensus – on both sides of the border, though I wasn’t aware of that until Samia explained it to me – was that ties between the Indian and Pakistani sides of the family would eventually have been renewed if it hadn’t been for Akbar and Sulaiman, each declaring that he did not want to hear his brother’s name again, each constantly reminding the rest of the family of all the harsh words, the insults, the curses that had been hurled across the Nawab’s table. The only one who could have brought the brothers together was Dadi, or so it is claimed, but she never tried. Worse, when Akbar once – while picking candles out of a birthday cake and looking sadly at the pock-marked frosting – wondered what his brother was doing, Dadi accused him of being spineless.
How to reconcile this story with my own memory of Dadi crying, ‘We were girls together.’ I think I know the answer. They weren’t happy together, my grandparents. Ami once told me the reason Aba so seldom raises his voice to anyone is that he grew up in a house filled with shouting. So, if Dadi railed against Akbar for mentioning Sulaiman, maybe it was just because she was looking for an excuse to rail against Akbar.
But is it possible that in twenty-five years there was never a moment when they were simultaneously nostalgic for everything they’d left behind, for every voice they could no longer hear? The truth may be that it was easier to make one swift break and swear never to look back. The truth may be that Dadi loved Akbar too much to allow him to begin to think of everything he’d lost.
But what of everything she had lost?
I stood up and walked over to Mariam Apa’s hibiscus. After Mariam left, the mali asked Ami what should be done about the hibiscus. Ami told him to look after it as Mariam had, and never, never to snip off the branch which curved in front of the dining-room window. I sometimes think Ami was the one who missed Mariam most of all. She wasn’t haunted by her absence, or angered by her departure, or disturbed by all she had failed to see. She just missed her. If Mariam were to come back, Ami would be the only one who’d say, ‘I’m glad you’re here,’ and consider the conversation ended. But suppose Mariam were to come back with Masood? That could never happen, so I don’t even speculate.
Speculate, I demanded of myself. Go on, speculate.
But I couldn’t.
I ran my fingers along the hibiscus plant, scoring the bark with my fingernails. When Mariam was around it hadn’t mattered, but now I felt so terribly the need to have her explained. I had thought Taimur could lead me to her, if I only asked the right questions about him, but he grew more and more elusive. To leave your home and never go back – to commit yourself completely to making another place home – that I could understand. Dadi and Akbar’s story doesn’t baffle me, though it sometimes saddens me. But to leave home, alone, and then to return just once, for one night, that I cannot comprehend. Somehow he must have followed the lives of his
family. How else would he have known his mother was sick? How else would Mariam have known that, other than Dadi, who was in Paris at the time, the closest relative she had to turn to was Aba? Her closest relative in Pakistan, that is. Why Pakistan and not India? Was she in Pakistan already? Had Taimur ended up in Pakistan, as Sulaiman claimed Akbar believed he would? Or was Pakistan simply closer than India to wherever Taimur and Mariam lived? Did that mean she came from Iran? Afghanistan?
Turkey?
When Samia first went to college in London she fell in with a strange arty set who spent their Friday nights watching foreign films and ordering out for meals which, in their ethnic origins, complemented the movies. The group fell apart over an argument about whether hamburgers were suitable accompaniments to a German film, but by then Samia had developed a taste for subtitles. She came back to Karachi over her Easter holiday and demanded that Sameer and I scour the video stores for foreign films. She wasn’t amused when we returned with a pile of Hollywood flicks.
So Sameer and I set off again and returned with a Turkish film, which the man at the video store told us we could keep since he had so little use for it that he really couldn’t understand what it was doing in his shop to begin with. I don’t remember what the movie was about beyond the fact that it involved chickens, a three-legged dog and a man named Murat. We would never have sat through the whole thing if Sameer and I hadn’t been too frightened of Samia’s wrath to suggest turning it off, and if Samia hadn’t been too proud to admit she’d rather watch low-brow Hollywood fare. But halfway through the movie Mariam Apa entered the TV room and laughed at the subtitle, ‘You want to rent a room?’ Then she laughed at, ‘Is that the sun?’ and almost fell off her chair at, ‘You look very pretty.’
Salt and Saffron Page 15