by Denise Wells
PAX VOICEOVER: But it’s not Tabs and me, it’s Bill and Mary. And they aren’t real.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Is it though? Is it really Bill and Mary that you and Tabatha are talking about? Don’t you think that every time these scenarios come up, your responses are based on reality and what you would do in a similar situation?
PAX VOICEOVER: Mine weren’t based on reality. Oh, hell, maybe they were. I didn’t think about it like that. And if I’m thinking about it like that, then so is Tabs. Which means she thinks I should throw myself to the zombies?
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Exactly. And if you ask me, that’s a really messed up thing to do.
“I go back to my earlier statement,” Pax says, turning back to the TV.
“Which one?” Tabatha asks.
“That Bill is a (BLEEP) idiot,” Pax replies.
Tabatha curls her lean body into a ball before asking, “What are you having a hard time with, that he loves her that much or that her life wasn’t worth it?”
Pax hits pause on the movie and looks at Tabatha, shrugging his broad shoulders. “I don’t know. Both,” he says. “He should have just let her go.”
“Let her go? As in let her be eaten by zombies?” Tabatha asks.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: I’m shocked when he says this. I’ve always thought of Pax as more of a knight in shining armor, not a man who’d sacrifice women and children to save his own skin.
“Exactly,” Pax says. “But now he can’t because he’s dead. And it was pointless because she is going to die anyway.”
“You don’t know that—she could end up saving the world.”
“She can’t run for (BLEEP). She keeps looking back and falling down. She has no weapons. They’re going to catch her any second. No way someone like Mary is saving the world,” Pax says.
“Why? Because she’s a woman?”
“No, because she can’t outrun a bunch of idiot zombies. It would be like you trying to do the same. You’ve got a beautiful body, baby, but you and I both know your stamina is for (BLEEP).”
“You don’t think I can outrun the zombies?” Tabatha asks.
“Beautiful, I know you can’t outrun the zombies. And I’ll be sad to see you go.” Pax smirks.
“Wait, are you saying you wouldn’t sacrifice yourself to save me in the zombie apocalypse?”
“Damn right that’s what I’m saying.” Pax points the remote to the TV to start the movie again.
Tabatha pulls his hand down. “Hold on a second.”
Pax looks at her and sighs. “Yes, dear?”
“Just to be clear, you would let the zombies get me and you would just keep running?”
“Hands down, babe. I’m the better choice between the two of us when it comes to the salvation of the human race by outrunning zombies.”
“And I’m dead?”
“Sad, but true.” Pax smiles.
Tabatha doesn’t smile back, instead narrowing her green eyes at him.
“Okay.” She draws the word out slowly. “I’m dead, who do you re-populate the world with? Since apparently you’re the only one who can save it.”
Pax shrugs again. “I don’t know. Some chick that runs faster than you.”
“Faster than me.” Tabatha pauses. “Do you even mourn me when I’m gone?”
“Ain’t got no time for mourning, babe. I’m zigging and zagging around the undead, carousing for female sprinters.”
“Seriously?”
Pax laughs. “Yeah, seriously.”
“Unbelievable,” Tabatha says.
“Oh, lighten up, you aren’t actually mad about this are you?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Jesus, Tabby. Come on.”
“What? You’re leaving me for dead and moving on to someone else, who’s more physically fit.”
“Because she can take care of herself. Not because I like her better,” Pax explains.
“Uh-huh.”
“Tabatha. Don’t start.”
“I’m not starting anything, Pax. I’m just letting it sink in that future you callously tosses future me aside when push comes to shove.”
“It’s a movie, Tab.”
“It was a serious question, Pax.”
“About outrunning zombies?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. Okay, fine. Have it your way. Be pissed about it.” Pax waves his hand.
“I will,” Tabatha says. She falls back against the couch cushion and huffs. She does not lie her head back down on his shoulder or curl back into his chest.
Pax restarts the movie.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: I can’t stand sitting next to him right now. I feel betrayed and unimportant. I get that the conversation started as a result of a fake plot in a movie. I’m not a lunatic. But fake him isn’t even going to try and save fake me. He couldn’t even pretend for the sake of the argument. That hurts my feelings.
Tabatha stands to leave the room.
“Where are you going?”
“To bed,” Tabatha says.
“The movie’s not over yet.”
“Don’t care.”
“Jesus.” Pax sighs loudly, mostly for Tabatha’s benefit.
PAX VOICEOVER: Yeah, I know that loud sighs are passive-aggressive, but I don’t care. I want her to know that I’m annoyed, but I don’t want to continue this fight. I want to finish the movie.
Tabatha takes her time getting ready for bed, expecting that at any moment Pax will come upstairs to apologize. She lies in bed alone. Eventually realizing he must have started watching something else since the movie should have been over.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: So, I do what any level-headed woman would do in my situation. I pull sheets and a blanket from the linen closet, then set them, along with his pillow, in the hallway. Next, I close the bedroom door softly and barricade it from the inside with a chair. Because if he can’t even be bothered to spare my life during a major world-changing event, then I can’t be bothered to share a bed with him.
KEEPING TABS -
SEASON ONE, EPISODE NINETEEN
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Tabatha and Pax have been fighting since date night, not able to get past the sore feelings that surfaced during the argument. Tabatha, expecting an apology from Pax, has gotten increasingly upset when that hasn’t happened. Confused by Tabatha’s cold shoulder, Pax has taken to retaliating by staying out late. Tonight, in this special one-hour episode of Keeping Tabs, we will see how they handle this strife in their relationship.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: So, Pax hasn’t even talked to you since that night?
TABATHA VOICEOVER (CRYING): No. And he’s been out late every night since then. I don’t know where. I don’t know with who. (BLOWS HER NOSE) I don’t know what to do.
Tabatha’s red curls are pulled up into a messy bun, green eyes red and swollen, and plump lips turned down in a frown. The usually picturesque Tabatha looks a wreck in distressed jeans, white tank top, and flannel shirt, curled in a ball in her interview chair.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Do you think you need a break?
TABATHA VOICEOVER: You mean, like, from the show? Or from Pax?
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Maybe both. I’m worried about you Tabatha. If this were my guy, I’d definitely be doing something to teach him a lesson. But that’s just me. What do you think you should do? I hate to see you crying all the time.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: What would you do to teach your guy a lesson. (SNIFFLES)
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Well, first, I’d be throwing him to the curb. No one, and I do mean no one, ignores me for days, doesn’t come home till late, and sacrifices me to zombies without some sort of payback.
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Taking the producer’s advice to heart, Tabatha throws Pax out of the house, thereby teaching him the most important lesson of all: you don’t sacrifice the ones you love. She starts by changing the locks on their coastal townhome, and then sets out to toss all his belongings onto the front lawn, in no particular order of importance. Which is what Pax arrives home to
a short time later.
“Tabatha Baldwin! What in the ever-loving hell are you doing?” Pax yells.
PAX VOICEOVER: I have flowers for her. An apology for my part in our fighting all week. I don’t want to argue any more. I miss my wife. That is until I see she’s tossing all my things to the front yard.
“Are these my clothes on the front lawn?” Pax shouts. His handsome face is red with fury.
“Do they look like your clothes?” Tabatha yells back. She turns to the closet to grab another armful of Pax’s things and toss them out.
“Yes! You mind explaining?” Pax’s voice bellows through the courtyard where they live.
PAX VOICEOVER: Of course I forget the (BLEEP) flowers in my car. Not that they would have made a difference at this point.
Tabatha leans against the window sill and looks down at her nails. “I do mind, actually. I’m busy right now.”
Pax audibly growls at Tabatha, throws his hands up in the air, and turns in a circle.
Tabatha smiles.
“Well, jeez, sweetheart, do you think you could speed things up a bit, then? I mean, (BLEEP), if you’re kicking me out I’m going have to pack my things in my car, find a place to stay, unpack everything . . . it’s going to be a busy evening for me,” Pax yells to her.
“Don’t you dare make fun of this, Paxton!”
“Oh, dragging out my full name, Tabs?” He sneers. “You sound just like my mother.”
Tabatha narrows her eyes at Pax.
“Hey, whaddya know,” Pax says. “Now you look like my mother too.”
Tabatha’s eyes widen.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: He did not just say that. Did he? Comparing me to his mother in any manner is not a compliment. But saying that I look like her is unforgivable.
“And you wonder why I’m doing this, when you say things like that.” Tabatha rolls her eyes and drops a few more items at Pax’s feet—toothbrush, electric razor, framed picture of his dog from when he was a kid.
“It’s not like I’m surprised,” Pax says as he walks around, picking up things. “It’s only, what? The most dramatic thing you could come up with? Besides, you’ve threatened to kick me out before, the only difference now being you’re actually trying to do it.”
“It’s so typical of you to throw something like that back in my face later. Maybe if you weren’t such an (BLEEP) all the time, I wouldn’t be kicking you out,” Tabatha yells.
“I didn’t even do anything!”
“Exactly! You had the opportunity to do the right thing and chose not to. Not saving me from the zombies? Not okay, Pax. Now I’m forced to be the bad guy once again by taking a stance. So, here’s three pairs of shoes and some jeans. I hope you and the zombies enjoy them!”
“Hey,” Pax calls out to her.
“What?” Tabatha leans out the window.
“You mind unlocking the front door so we can talk about this?”
“Oh no.” Tabatha opens her mouth, covers it with her fingers, and blinks rapidly. “Can’t you get in the house?”
“My key won’t work.”
“Hmm, pity.”
TABATHA VOICEOVER: I break his golf clubs next, dropping them one by one out the window. Which probably won’t even bother him much. Except, they were a gift from his best friend, Gregor, to try and get him to pick up the game.
Tabatha leans her head out the window. “And let me tell you, it is much harder to break a golf club in reality than it looks on TV.”
“You really want to be divorced before we’ve even been married a year?” Pax asks before she has a chance to duck away again.
“Damn right, I do!” Tabatha screams. “I can’t stay married to you for a second longer!” She slams the window.
“Tabs!” Pax yells at the closed window. Tabatha does not return. Pax picks up a small rock and tosses it at the window. “Tabatha!” he yells again. “I know dramatic is your second language, but you better be serious about this.”
Nothing happens.
PAX VOICEOVER: She had the locks changed; I can tell by the shiny new deadbolt. So, I ring the doorbell, holding my finger against it and letting it ring repeatedly and wait to see what she does next.
Tabatha opens the upstairs window a moment later and leans out.
“What do you want?”
“I’d like to come in my house.”
“No.” Tabatha looks down at Pax. “And it’s not your house anymore. I’m kicking you out.”
“Tabatha, (BLEEP), I’m not playing games.”
“Neither am I, Pax.”
“Is this still because of the (BLEEP) zombie fight?”
“Among other things, yes.” Tabatha crosses her arms over her chest, her face immobile and pert nose pointed in the air.
PAX VOICEOVER: I’d like to punch that nose; you know, if I were the kind of guy to actually hit a woman. But I’m not; doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about it just a bit sometimes where Tabs is concerned. That and booting her luscious little (BLEEP) right off the edge of a big cliff and wait for her to splat at the bottom. Oh, sorry, that’s a little graphic isn’t it? Let’s switch that to dead. Sometimes I fantasize what it would be like if she were dead.
“Un-(BLEEP)-believable,” Pax says.
“Yes, it is.” Tabatha resumes throwing Pax’s belongings out the window. Hair products, shower gel, razor blades, clothes, jackets.
PAX VOICEOVER: At this point, I’m just happy she hasn’t gotten to any of my camera equipment. So, I breathe easy, you know? That is, until she dangles a camera bag out the window. And it’s the Hasselblad bag.
“I swear to god, Tabatha. If you drop that and it breaks. I will never forgive you,” Pax yells.
Tabatha looks at the bag. Then Pax. Then the bag again.
And drops it.
“Nooo!” Pax dives toward the bag, and barely misses catching it. The bag lands on a pile of clothes. Pax takes it in his arms, cradling the bag like a baby. He opens the bag to find it empty. “Thank god,” he mutters to himself. “I didn’t think she would stoop that low.”
PAX VOICEOVER: I swear, it’s like my life flashed before my eyes as I was going for it. The most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced by far. Even though camera bags are heavily padded, I never take chances with my cameras.
“Catch,” Tabatha calls from above.
Pax looks up.
Tabatha tosses the camera.
PAX VOICEOVER: But I was wrong. She would go lower than that low. I watched like a movie in slow motion as her fingers opened from where they held the strap and the camera started to fall through the air. I couldn’t move fast enough to get the camera. It landed on the edge of the concrete. And in a matter of seconds, it went from one whole, to hundreds of tiny pieces bouncing along the walkway. Even if I had one hundred years, I couldn’t put it back together again.
I never thought Tabatha would be capable of such a thing. Something so malicious, so unkind. She knows how much that camera means to me. It would be like if I took one of her . . . I don’t even know what would compare. But once I find it, I’m going to (BLEEP) destroy it.
“You want a war, woman? You got it!” Pax roars.
Tabatha does not hear the ladder at the window. And she doesn’t see Pax until he’s halfway inside the room.
“How’d you get a ladder?” Tabatha asks. She stands and backs up until she runs into the wall.
“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?” Pax sneers and advances on her quickly.
“Kind of, yeah. If we owned one, maybe you would’ve been a little more handy around the house.” Tabatha tries to dodge his grasp by moving to the right.
“We own a vacuum, didn’t turn you into a decent housekeeper.” Pax is quick on his feet. It seems no matter which way Tabatha turns, he will still be able to reach her.
“How dare you!” Tabatha screams.
“Oh, sweetheart, I haven’t even started to dare.” Pax continues to advance toward Tabatha until the two are nearly nose to nose.
/> “Get out, Pax.”
“Make me.” Pax crosses his arms over his chest and widens his stance, looking imposing.
Tabatha visibly shivers.
“Are those my socks? You’re cutting holes in my socks?” Pax narrows his eyes as he sees what is in Tabatha’s hands. He turns and opens her closet before she even has a chance to answer. Pax pulls her favorite Yves Saint Laurent dress out and rips it in half.
“Ohmigod! What is wrong with you?” Tabatha cries.
“With me? Oh, I’m just getting started, baby!”
PAX VOICEOVER: I try to think of the most disgusting, most repulsive thing that I can possibly do to her. And then it hits me. Piss and Prada.
Pax grabs her Prada bag next.
“No!” Tabatha yells.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: I watch, with total revulsion, as he undoes his pants, pulls out his (BLEEP), and pisses in my bag, whistling as he goes. Whistling! I lunge for the bag. I have to. I don’t even care if I get his piss all over me. Because, Prada.
Pax turns so his back is to Tabatha, then swivels to and fro as she tries to reach around his sides to grab it. He finishes up, tucks himself back in his pants, and tosses the bag aside. Urine splashes up and around when it lands.
Tabatha takes off her shoes, jumps onto their bed, and throws one at him.