Giving You Forever

by Ashley Wilcox

  He has the other card.

  Pulling my cellphone from my back pocket, I call the eight hundred number on the back, going through the prompts to get me to a representative.

  “Thank you for calling Chase. This is Justin. How may I assist you this evening?”

  “Hi, I need to check the recent purchases on an account,” I quickly spit out.

  “I can certainly help you with that, ma’am. Do you have the account number?”

  “I have the card number.”

  “That works. Go ahead with the card number when you’re ready.”

  I read it to him twice then give him my name.

  “And the last four digits of your social security number, please?”

  Jesus Christ! Just tell me if he’s used it!

  With my tone turning impatient, I tell him, “1526.”

  “Thank you, ma’am. It’ll just be a minute to bring that up.”

  Exhaling, I close my eyes, trying not to lose it.

  “Okay, it looks like it was just used today by the other cardholder.”

  Oh my god! Oh my god…

  Taking a deep breath, I ask, “Where? Where was it used?” reaching for one of the pieces of paper and my eyeliner pen from my purse.

  “It looks like the last one was at San Carlos Mexican Restaurant in Bath, New York.”

  “Uh huh, okay,” I answer, writing it down. “Is there any hotels or places to stay on there?”

  “Um…yes. A couple of days ago.”

  “What’s the name of it?” I immediately ask, tears pooling in my eyes.

  I found him. I finally found my love.

  “It’s the Days Inn Hammondsport,” he tells me, and I can’t write it down fast enough.

  “Okay, thank you so much.”

  “Is there anything else that I can help you with this evening?”

  “Nope, thanks,” I try to be as friendly as possible before hanging up.

  Grabbing the credit card and my purse, I phone Kelly on the way out to my car.

  “Hello?” she answers on the second ring.

  “Do you have any idea why Nolan would be in Bath, New York?” I immediately ask, not even saying hello.

  She pauses.

  “He’s in Bath?” she says, sounding surprised.

  “Yes. I tracked our credit card. He’s used it there. That’s where he is.”

  “Uh, yeah…that’s where my parent’s grave site is,” she tells me, pain in her tone.

  “Why do you think he’s there?” I ask, opening the door to my car.

  “I don’t know,” she answers, sounding dumbfounded. “I don’t think he’s ever been there.”

  “Well, I’m on my way to find out.”

  “Do you want me to come with? I can if you want.”

  “Thanks, but no. I just need to get there. I need to see him and bring him home.”

  After stopping for gas, and checking in with my parents, I type the address for the Days Inn into my GPS and start for the Thruway, thanking the Lord above for answering my prayers.

  Taking the highway for less than an hour, I exit the same one I use when going to the outlets, drive through a few small towns and follow some back roads around the Finger Lakes before being greeted two hours later by a Welcome to Bath, New York sign.

  Feeling nervous butterflies invading my chest and stomach, I remind myself to breathe. Seeing the tall Days Inn sign lighting up the sky ahead is when I feel the need to throw-up.

  What if he gets mad? What if he refuses to see me?

  None of this has crossed my mind until now. Now that I’m minutes away from seeing him. All that I thought about was seeing him, loving him and bringing him home. What if he doesn’t want to come home? What if he continues to run, to leave me behind?

  As soon as I pull into the parking lot, I see his old Chevy Camaro shining bright in the moon lit sky. Taking the spot next to it, I glance over, remembering all the fun memories that we had in that car...the places we’ve taken it, and the amount of times we spent consummating our love in the back seat. It’s not only his baby. It’s mine, too.

  Realizing it’s now or never, I unbuckle my seat belt, open the door, and head for the entrance lobby. Already planning my white lie in my head during the drive, I smile brightly at the man standing behind the front desk counter.

  “Can I help you, ma’am?”

  Acting ditsy and twirling my hair, I reply, “Yes, I forgot my key card in my room. Do you happen to have another?”

  “Well, you should’ve gotten two,” he answers, cheeks already becoming flushed.

  “Yeah, but I put them in my back pocket of my skirt and forgot to take them out when I stripped down.” I make sure I bat my eyelashes enough.

  Just give me the damn key, buddy!

  “Do you know your room number?”

  Pressing my tongue along my top teeth, I pretend to ponder the question before biting down on my lower lip.

  “No, but it’s under my brother’s name. Nolan Pratt.”

  He looks at me a moment longer, probably wondering if I’m legit, but I stay in character, acting like a sleaze when I really just want to scream at him to give me that darn room number.

  “Ah yes, room 203.”

  “203..thank you,” I tell him, already turning to make my way to the stairs.

  “Miss! I thought you needed another…”

  I don’t respond. I just open the stairwell door, running as fast as I can up them.

  Stepping out onto the second floor, his is the third on the right–just a few feet from where I’m standing. I pause when I get in front of it; nerves in overdrive, body becoming weak, and my breathing anything but regular. With one more deep breath, I fist my hand, raising it only inches from the door.

  Just knock, Alexa. He loves you.

  {knock, knock…}

  Taking continuous deep breaths, I wait. I can faintly hear a television through the door, then seconds later the locks, and then it opens.

  He stares in shock.

  “Hi…” I’m the first to speak.

  “What? How…”

  “I tracked our credit card,” I whisper, voice nervously cracking.

  He doesn’t speak. Just licks his lips and runs his hand through his hair.

  “You weren’t supposed to come find me,” he finally says.

  “I had to. I can’t breathe without you there.” I start to breakdown. “I can’t eat, I can’t—”

  He cuts me off, pulling me forcefully into his chest, smoothing down my hair with his hand, kissing the top of my head over and over again with his lips.

  “You can’t leave me,” I sob into his chest. “I need you.”

  His body starts to tremble, and I know he can feel it, too. This is where we belong.

  We belong together.

  Chapter Thirty

  – NOLAN –

  Slowly I back us into the room, letting the door swing closed behind us.

  This wasn’t how I had planned this to happen. She wasn’t supposed to find me. But fuck if I’m going to let her stand outside the door, pouring her love out for me, breaking my heart with each tear she sheds...and, oh how beautiful she looks. Even more beautiful than the picture I have placed in my head for the last few days. I can’t close the door on her. I can’t close the door on my love.

  Minutes pass as we just stand there, breaking down in each other’s arms, feeling the comfort that we’ve been missing since I left. This is why I couldn’t say goodbye to her face. This is why I left a letter. I’m not strong enough. I can’t bear to witness her pain, pain that I cause her.

  Providing some space between us, I hold her face in my hands, needing to explain why she needs to leave, why I’m not what she needs, but I can’t. Getting just one glimpse of those emerald eyes touching mine, every thought vanishes–every reason for not being with her disappears. She’s my reason for breathing. She’s my reason for life.

  Pressing my lips against hers, I succumb. Shit, how I missed the
se lips. Nothing could ever feel this good–no one could ever compare. Her hands slide up my back, gripping my skin, holding me tight. I can’t let go. I can’t back down. It feels too good. Too right.

  “Come home with me,” she softly whispers against my lips, making me sigh.

  “I can’t.”

  She takes a step back, pain covering her face.

  “You’re not a bad person, Nolan. No one is punishing you. You’re not to blame.”

  A swarm of emotions flood my chest. She’s wrong. So much is my fault, there’s so much to blame me for.

  “Please, babe.” She reaches for my hand, looking up at me with her beautifully, sweet tear-stricken face. “Let me love you.”

  Shaking my head and closing my eyes, I tell her, “It’s not that easy, love.” I open my eyes. “I’ve tried. I’ve tried to be happy, to love again, but I can’t. Bad things happen to those I love. I can’t do that to you. I love you too much. You mean too much to me.”

  “No. No, you’re wrong,” she says, shaking her head. “You’re so wrong, babe. You’re not to blame. The only one blaming you is yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong to deserve the pain and suffering that you are causing yourself. You’re worthy, Nolan. I wish you’d just see it.”

  Rubbing my face with both hands, I don’t get it. How can she see through this? See something that doesn’t exist.

  “Just come home with me, baby. Let me help you. Let me show you how worthy you are.”

  “I came out here for a reason,” I now admit.

  She looks at me confused.

  “It wasn’t just to leave you.” I run my hand through my hair. “It was to seek forgiveness. To finally say goodbye.”

  – ALEXA –

  It’s then that I remember what Kelly told me; that he’s never come here with her, that he’s never visited his parent’s grave. Maybe that’s all he needs. Maybe saying goodbye will help him heal, to realize the good man that he is.

  “I know.”

  He looks at me skeptically.

  “I know you’ve never come here. I know why you’re here.” I take a step closer to him, making my face only inches from his. “Let me help you.”

  He continues to stare, looking at me lost in thought. Thinking about the consequences, figuring out whether to trust me.

  “I can help you, Nolan. You just have to let me.”

  And then he gives in, holding my face, kissing me with authority, forcing his tongue inside my mouth, claiming what’s his.

  And I let him.

  Oh, god, do I let him.

  – NOLAN –

  I can’t breathe. Everything in my brain is telling me no; that I can’t put her through this. She deserves to be happy, and she can’t have that with me. Her life will be a continuous cycle of heartaches, she deserves so much better. But dammit, every ounce of my soul, every beat of my heart, every part of my body inside and out is screaming to trust her, to be with her, to let her love me, to find comfort in her words and allow myself to be happy.

  Removing her mouth from mine, and resting my forehead against her, I whisper, “I trust you. Make me believe.”

  – ALEXA –

  Falling asleep in Nolan’s arms last night, then finding him still snug behind me this morning is heaven; a breath of fresh air. I’ve missed him so much. I’ve missed us. Even though he left me when I needed him most, I have him now and nothing feels better than having Nolan’s body wrapped around mine.

  “Morning, doll,” he whispers against my neck, causing every hair on my body to stand, tickled by his love.

  I turn so that I can face him, indulging in the face that I’ve cried myself to sleep for so many nights over.

  Kissing his lips first, I answer, “Morning.”

  Pushing my hair behind my ear and studying my face with an adoring smile, he tells me, “I love you. I love you so much.”

  “More than you know,” I tell him, stealing his line, but meaning it.

  He looks at me, pain stealing the smile that was just covering his face. “How can you not hate me?” I start to answer, but he continues before I can speak. “I left you. Right after we lost our baby, I left you.”

  I have to swallow hard and really think about my choice of words because I did; I nearly hated Nolan for leaving me for days. For leaving me all alone to grieve about our loss by myself, but I can’t explain why or how I don’t hate him. Until he opened the door last night to me on the other side, I still had anger running through my veins, but when it came down to it, I didn’t care about the series of events leading up to it or the way I’ve felt the previous days–having Nolan back and knowing that he is coming back home, I take it as it is. Having Nolan in my life is all that I care about. He didn’t leave me because he wanted to. He left me because he felt he had to, for me to be happy. I know Nolan would never intentionally hurt me. I’m always his number one. He just didn’t realize that I can’t be happy without him.

  “Because I know why,” I tightly grin. “I didn’t like you while you were gone. I hated that you left me, but I still loved you. I still needed you.” I cup his cheek in my hand. “I never felt so lost in my life.”

  Closing his eyes, he inhales slowly. His pain is visible. His remorse is apparent.

  “I don’t know what son of a bitch got it wrong giving me you, but I’m so damn happy he did,” he says after opening his eyes, looking at me so intensely that I can feel the emotion pouring out of his stare. “I love you so much, angel. I will make this up to you. Every day, for the rest of our lives, I’ll make it up to you.”

  Little does he know he already has. Staring at me the way he is. Making my heart warm and so full of love, I’ve forgiven him. He did a crappy thing, but out of love; the immense love that he holds for me.

  I get it.

  Driving up the windy road of the cemetery, Nolan glances down at his scribbled writing, trying to figure out which one is theirs. Kelly texted him last night with their parent’s site number and where in the cemetery to find them.

  “I think this is theirs,” he says, putting the car in park.

  Meeting him in front of the car, I lace my hand with his, squeezing it tight, showing him that I’m here. We walk over to their conjoined stone, reading their names and the quotes Kelly had picked out to be engraved on it.

  Loving mother and wife…

  It’s absolutely stunning.

  Just standing there, he silently stares, no expression on his face. I’m not sure what’s going through his head, what the feeling of being here brings him, but I think it’s a good thing. I believe that this is what he needed.

  Stepping forward, his hand drops from mine.

  “I feel like they’re here,” he softly tells me, kneeling down on the ground and becoming eye level with the stone. “Even though I know their bodies aren’t here, I feel like they are.”

  I rub his back.

  “I believe they are.”

  Resting his hand on the top of their stone, his head faces down, closing his eyes. He stays like this for a while, and I give him his space, letting him feel their love, feel their forgiveness. Though he has asked for forgiveness before, I think being here and seeing their grave–truly accepting it–he can feel it. I hope he can feel it.

  Exhaling and sniffling, he wipes the wetness from his face with the back of his hand before standing.

  I extend my hand for his with a tight grin.

  He takes it, lacing his fingers with mine, a smile tugging on his lips.

  “Ready, angel?” he asks already looking more refreshed.

  I sigh, love invading my chest, feeling like a life was just reborn, a life worthy of it’s being. One that I’ve always seen, but not by all, not by him.

  Nodding my head, my grin turning into a smile, I reply, “Ready when you are.”

  He nods his head, inhaling deeply.

  “I’m ready. I’m ready to go home.”

  Epilogue

  Nine Months Later

  – NOLAN –r />
  “I just wanted to thank you all for coming tonight,” I stand, holding my bride snug against my side. “Having you all here, celebrating our love, means the world to us. It hasn’t been the easiest road to get here, to today, but this woman right here,” I look down at the love of my life, “has taught me how to love again. To let go of the past and to always look forward to the future and I thank her for that.” I lean down, kissing the top of her head. “There’s no one in this world that I look forward to spending my future with as much as I do Alexa. So thank you. Thank you for being a part of this special day, marking the first day of a beautiful future… for us. Cheers!”

  Clicking our champagne glassing together, I lean down and softly kiss her, whispering I love you against her lips.

  It’s been a long time coming, getting to this day, but I’m so damn happy I did. Alexa has helped me see the truth, guided me in the right direction, taught me how to not only love her, but to love myself as well. And I have. I’m so god damn happy it hurts.

  Four hours later, after all the guests have left, I finally get to carry my love, my wife, up to our hotel suite. With her arms wrapped around my neck, she runs her mouth over every inch of my face, sliding her tongue along my jawline.

  Why is this fucking elevator so slow?

  As soon as we find our room and slip inside, my mouth is on hers while laying her down on the bed. With one arm resting by her head, the other slides down her body, cupping her firm eager breast in my hand. A sweet seductive moan escapes her lips, pleased by the sensation.

  Sliding her hands up my back, stopping and tangling in my hair, she tugs it back, removing our lips.

  “Ahh…” I moan, loving her aggressiveness.

  She leans up, running her tongue from the bottom of my neck, moving up until it’s back inside my mouth.

  Oh fuck, do I love this woman.

  I sit back on my heels before standing up at the foot of the bed, reaching for her hand to follow me and she does, never removing those beautiful eyes from mine.