by Anne Hansen
I follow Keira to her street, keeping a good distance behind her, and waiting until the light in her bedroom flicks on before I pull out. It was a dumb risk for so many reasons, but the only alternative was to leave her on her own, and that just wasn’t an option for me.
I drive away as fast as I dare without speeding, snaking my way back to the garage down side roads, backtracking and circling to throw off anyone who might be following me, careful to keep my eye on the rear view mirror in case the nice cop decided I probably wasn’t just a great boyfriend jumping his girl’s beater with his shiny new wheels, but an active member of a car theft ring that’s been upping the ante in the area.
I pull into the small concrete underground garage where Gio’s crew descends like a pack of vultures, double checking to make sure all GPS is dismantled. Most systems work on delays that can’t possibly keep up with the rate we move, and the concrete bunker pretty much stifles any signal on the off chance they are on our tail or if we couldn’t disconnect at scene.
I step out of the car and my legs feel weak, like I just ran for my life.
I guess, in a way, I did. The only problem is, I’m not sure I ran fast enough.
“You look white as a ghost, kid,” Gio says, coming down to inspect the car. He runs his fingers over the bumper and whistles low. “Nice job. You did a solid set tonight. What’s with you? The orange too bright? Lucky you didn’t have a copper on your tail.” He laughs as he lights a cigar.
“Not on my tail,” I say through the fog in my brain, then stop short. I say it and wish I could unsay it immediately.
Gio puffs on the cigar, holds it out to examine it, and asks in a deadly calm voice, “So, you attracted a cop’s attention, but you came here anyway?”
Rule one, golden rule, alpha and omega of all rules in this shop: if you’ve got a whiff of a cop anywhere near you, you take the car to one of a dozen empty warehouses Gio’s scouted and approved before big runs, and you disappear. You never risk bringing the shop down.
I know I didn’t take a risk I shouldn’t have. I made sure I wasn’t being followed. I also know Gio’s not gonna like that answer.
“I’d never risk exposing this shop,” I say instead.
“Answer my question.” Gio stares at me, his eyes glowing like the tip of his cigar.
“She asked some questions about something that went down in Grantham Park. I was just in an inconvenient place,” I say.
I watch his jaw tick as he saws his teeth together. “You were pulled over?”
“I stopped. I needed to—”
I’m glad when he punches me in the mouth.
The bulky gold and ruby ring he wears on his pinky slices the side of my lip. I lick the salty blood before it can pour down my face, then press the back of my hand to the cut.
I focus on that pain, the smack of the metal against my skin, and remind myself that it came a second before I was about to tell Gio about Keira. Maybe I would have been smart enough not to have said her name, maybe not. I’ve never been this shaken up about anything before.
These are the kinds of mistakes that cost people their lives, their freedom. I’m no rookie. I shouldn’t be screwing up like this.
“You. Don’t. Fucking. Stop. Ever,” Gio snarls. He blows a long, blue stream of smoke in my face and looks me up and down with clear disgust. “You better hope to hell this doesn’t come back to haunt this shop, Vin. Because I will bury you. I will dig a pit and dump your corpse into it. Capisce?”
“Yes.” I turn away from him and head upstairs, hoping I don’t run into anyone before I can make it home and collapse.
“Vin?”
I hold back a groan when I hear Dom’s voice. “I was heading out.”
“You made your runs? Did it go okay?” He comes over to me, and I try to keep my fat lip hidden behind my hood.
“Not exactly like we planned. I’m one short, but I’m done for the night.”
He nods. “Right. Don’t push yourself. Everything worked okay? The keys fit? Did the magnetic license plates work? Because I had this idea for mounting the magnets to fit the—” He stops and grabs me by the back of the hood, turning my face into the flickering fluorescent light. “What the hell did you do to your face?”
“Jesus, Dom, it’s nothing. I hit the steering wheel.” I shove his hand away.
“Bullshit,” he says, his eyes hard. “Gio?”
I don’t answer for a few beats. “I’ve taken worse from Dad when I mouthed off.”
“Right. From Dad. When we were kids.” Dom lets go of my hood and shakes his head. “What the hell for?”
“I’m lucky he didn’t gut me,” I say grimly. “I got questioned on a run.”
“Coppers?” His eyes go wide when I nod. “You got pulled over?”
To my brother’s credit, he doesn’t throw a shit fit even when it dawns on him that if I got pulled over, it’s his license on the line. “Nah. Cop came by to check on a disturbance to the peace call while I was in Grantham with Keira. She needed a jump.”
He stares at me, mouth open. “That little babe you brought over for dinner? The one you’ve been sneaking in your back door?”
“I’m not sneaking her in. It’s my goddamn place,” I argue, then realize from my brother’s stupid grin that he’s egging me on. “That’s her.”
“What the hell was she doing in that shithole?”
“Looking at the scenery,” I say, and Dom laughs like I made a great joke. “Man, I wish I was kidding.”
“For real?” He shakes his head. “She seemed so smart.”
“She is,” I growl, and he chokes back the last of his laugh. “She’s just…she’s not from here. She’s from the burbs where everyone is friendly and watches out for each other. She doesn’t get that there are people and places that are pure evil. She’s too damn innocent for her own good.”
“You know I love you, Vin, but what’re you doing with a girl like that right now?” Dom asks, his voice sinking low so no one can overhear. He puts a hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eye. “I’m not talking down to you, but c’mon, man. You’re in deep for a while now. No one can blame you for stopping to help her. I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy in that hellhole after dark. But she called you because she’s your girl. You see what I’m saying?”
“I want to be the one she calls,” I grit out.
“Exactly.” Dom nods. “Maybe just tell her you need space for a while?”
“I already fucked up once. This is my chance at redemption.” I slump against the wall, let my skull knock against the cinder blocks behind my head, hoping it might shake my thoughts clear.
“You can’t redeem shit from behind bars. Watch your back, Vin. You’ve got more than your own skin on the line.”
I close my eyes and try to ignore my throbbing face. I listen to Dom’s footsteps as he walks away from me.
“Fuck my life,” I mutter, then stand up and go home to sleep.
Maybe things will be clearer after a good night’s rest.
***
“…so I think I’ll just ride over with David if that’s okay, since he wants to make some last minute alterations and take some pictures before we go, and I know you probably have to work before anyway, right?” Keira is sitting next to me in my car, breaking two huge rules.
Rule number one: no feet on the dashboard.
But she wiggled her feet out of her Chucks and propped them up without asking me. I’d usually hate that, but every time I’m about to tell her to tell her to take them down, I catch sight of her mismatched socks, one striped, one with little hearts and arrows. It makes me smile on this shitty day.
Rule number two: absolutely no eating in the car. Period. None.
But she called me up and said she had a craving for pistachio ice cream, just like she used to get with her grandpa at the racetrack when she was a kid. I didn’t think anyone under eighty actually ate pistachio ice cream, but I wanted to do something nice for her. I’m well aware I’ve been a les
s than decent boyfriend lately.
And, if I can get the balls up to just do what I need to do, I’m about to be a completely shitty one.
Dom’s right. I have to break it off with her.
I go in and out of cold sweats every time I think of that night in Grantham. I wake up a thousand times every night, my sheets damp with sweat and twisted around my body, sure I heard a siren. Sure that cop put two and two together and is ready to hammer the final nail in my coffin, with Keira buried alongside me as an accessory to my crimes.
“Where are you driving with David?” I ask, trying not to watch as she licks at the ice cream with that sweet little tongue.
Damn, the things that tongue has done to me. If I think about it too long, I’ll have her under me in the backseat, and that’s not what we need right now.
Sex will only complicate an already crazy situation even more.
“To the winter formal,” she says slowly, frowning as she nibbles on the edge of her cone. “Vin, are you okay?”
“Fine,” I say, gripping the steering wheel hard in my hands. “Right, the Winter Formal. Drive in with David. You’ll save your father a coronary.”
“My father doesn’t dislike you, Vin,” she says in this squeaky voice.
“You know your voice squeaks when you lie?” I give my best attempt at a smile. It’s been so long since my mouth formed the shape, I think it forgot how to do it.
“He doesn’t understand,” she says, chewing the last bits of her cone and licking each finger in a way that’s making my vision blur with raw need for her. I try to block her out because my willpower is pretty flatlined right now. “He’s very image oriented. He does huge amounts of marketing. I think he forgets that what you see isn’t always what’s true.”
It’s sweet. Seriously, the way she talks about me is humbling. But it also fills me with dark self-hatred. Keira doesn’t ask for much. She gives me space, she gives me the benefit of the doubt always. Why can’t I get my shit together for her?
“Babe, your old man sees shit like it is, and he isn’t afraid to say it. I admire that.” I lean back in my seat. “And he’s right. If I had a daughter like you and she was dating a guy like me, I’d gladly pay a hitman to tie a few cinder blocks to him and toss him off a bridge. I guarantee the only reason I’m still around is because your father doesn’t have the funds to have me snuffed out.”
“That’s not funny,” she says, her voice fierce, those sweet blue eyes crackling like they do when she gets really mad.
I sit up and look right at her, reigning myself in so I don’t reach over and grab her, kiss her, tell her that I love her so damn much, it might actually kill me. Or land me behind bars.
“I didn’t mean it as a joke. I know you have this idea that everything will work out in the end. That it will all be good and right and fair. That’s not life, Keira. Life is shitty. It’s shitty and it’s hard. I’m pretty sure your dad would kill for you, and if I’m wrong about that, I have no respect for him.”
“You’re just being melodramatic, Vin.” She drops her feet onto the floor and attempts to put her shoes on. But she’s pissed, so instead of undoing the laces like a rational person, she yanks at them until they’re balled in knots. “Maybe I’m an optimist. Maybe I choose to imagine things working out all the time, and, sure, that may not be realistic.” She tries to tug one lace up and winds up making a bigger snag. “But you think just because you see everything as terrible, your view is any more realistic? That’s illogical.”
I grab the shoe from her hand, ignoring her protest, and work the knot out from the center. “It’s the truth. Your father hates me for good reason. And he’s right.”
She drops the shoe she’s still holding and stares at me. I don’t look back. “You really think he’s right?”
“It’s not a matter of opinion.” I hand her the unknotted shoe and grab the other one off her lap. “You look at me and see some goddamn hero who fixes shit. Your father sees a villain who rips it down.” I flick my eyes up at her. “If you’re right, you’re ten percent right on the high end. Those aren’t good odds for my future as an upstanding citizen.”
“Don’t say that,” she says, her fingers plucking at the shoelace.
I untangle it and reach over, grab her foot, fit it on, tie it securely, take the other foot and shoe, repeat.
“Not saying things doesn’t make them go away.” I rub my thumbs over the delicate bones of her ankles. Every part of her is fragile, sweet, too good for me. I think back to that night at Grantham, how it could have been her body, limp and bloody like David’s was. My stomach churns. “When you finish this year, you’re getting the hell out of here. Eastside will be a blip in your life. A low point. And you’ll forget everything about it.”
“What if I don’t want to forget everything?”
I move her legs back to her side, set her feet gently on the floorboard, and start the engine. I should end this, definitively. I should let her go, let her move away from me and the world I’m still stuck in—and might never shake, no matter how badly I want to pretend I can crawl out.
“You should. You’re smarter than this, Keira.” I stare out the windshield as I pull onto the highway. “I know you see things you don’t ask about. I know you’re waiting for me to make it alright. But I don’t know if I can. I do know I can’t ask you to risk your future while I attempt to get my shit straight.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what I’m willing to risk?” she asks, her voice sharp.
“Because you trust me more than you should,” I answer.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she sighs, looking out the window.
“You don’t have a choice!” I shake my head and look over at her. “Why can’t you see that everything I touch turns to shit?”
“What are you talking about?” She twists her hands in her lap. “I don’t even know where this is all coming from.”
“It’s—” I pause, not sure what I should tell her. I feel like I can’t tell her the truth without involving her in the crime. But I can’t convince her to stay away unless he knows the truth. “Can’t you just trust that we need to slow this down?”
“I don’t get it,” she says, shaking her head. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“It’s not what I want,” I say, but her eyes are sparking with fury.
We pull up in front of her house. Her father’s car is parked on the street, and I’m enough of a dirtbag to hope she goes in and has to hear it from him about what a loser I am, how I’m no good, how being around me brings her down.
I want her to leave me, even though it’ll shred my heart. I want her to leave me because I’m a coward. I want her to leave me because I’m scared shitless that I’ll never be the man she sees when she looks at me with all that love and trust in her eyes.
My biggest fear is failing her, and I can’t see any way to prevent that from happening.
“You think you can just call all the shots? You think you can just tell me when we can be together and when we can’t? You’re not the only one in this relationship, Vin!”
“I’m the only one who’s fucking things up, Keira!” I don’t mean to yell, but I can’t help it. “I love you so damn much, it makes me crazy, but it’s not safe for you to be with me!”
“I’m so sick of hearing that,” she snaps.
“Well, get used to it, because I’m not letting this go,” I growl back.
She doesn’t look the least bit intimidated. “You know what? I’m not listening to this. You’re being a jerk, I have no clue why, and I seriously don’t want to argue about this again.”
“You need to keep your distance from me,” I warn.
“Tell me why.” She sticks her chin out. “Tell me the truth.”
“The truth is, I’m going to wind up breaking your damn heart!” I bite out. “The truth is, you’re going to force me to do something drastic to get it through your head that I’m not good enough for you! You belong with
someone better. That’s the truth, Keira!”
“You keep trying to push me away, but you can’t do that, Vin,” she says through gritted teeth. “You can’t just snap your fingers and make this relationship stop and start when you want. We’re doing this. We’re gonna work through the hard parts. That’s it.”
“That’s not good enough.” I swallow hard. “We need to end this.”
“You’ve said that before. It just doesn’t work,” she says, balling her hands into fists. “The bottom line is, it’s you and me, Vin. The two of us. And nothing can change that.”
The two of us.
The second I hear those words out of her mouth, I know what I have to do. It makes me sick, makes me feel like a spineless coward, but I know it will force Keira to dump me. I’ll do anything—anything—to keep her safe, no matter how much it hurts us both.
“Keira, we’re done,” I say, my voice cracking.
She throws the door open and glares at me. “I’m not listening to another word, okay? We’ve been through this over and over again, and I’m sick of discussing it. I’m going into the house. When you’re ready to talk to me like a rational person, call me.”
“I’m serious,” I say, wishing she’d tell me I should fuck off, that she never wants to see me again. Because then I wouldn’t have to stoop low, the way I’m afraid I’ll have to.
“I am, too,” she says, her voice cold and calm. “We can work it out later. I have a feeling if we keep going now, we’re going to wind up saying things we can’t take back. Goodnight, Vin.”
She slams the door and stalks into the house. I watch her disappear inside and feel my heart shredding in my chest.
I have no choice. I have to do something that will make Keira so furious, she won’t be able to forgive me.
I pick up my phone and scroll to a contact I should have deleted a year ago, my heart sinking when I hear the over-eager, “Hello?”
“Hey. I need to ask you a big favor.”
“Anything for you, Vin!”
I pull away from Keira’s house and make the plans that will protect the only girl I’ve ever loved and break her heart all at once.