And so had he. And he hated himself for it.
Instead of getting on the subway when he left Steinman Hall, he walked down St. Nicholas Avenue from 140th Street to the top of Central Park on 111th Street. Once he hit the park, he called Liz and continued to walk south.
“Did you call her?” Liz didn’t bother to greet him with a hello.
“No.”
“Why not?” she had that annoyed tone.
“Because she should be with Colby. He’ll be good for her. He’ll give her a good life.”
“That’s not your place to decide.”
“Are you taking lessons from her?” he laughed.
“She’s right, you know.”
“Shut up.” He was approaching the North Meadow, which meant the Jackie Kennedy Onassis Reservoir was not far.
“Maybe Colby beats her. Or treats her like shit. You don’t know if he’s better for her.” Liz was not going to back down.
“More likely she beats Colby. Liliana Castillo is one tough chick. If you’re ever putting together a Pussy Posse, you want her on your side.”
Liz laughed, “Call her, Zac. I’m serious. She came after you that night because she is not ready to let go. And you didn’t follow her, you douche monkey. She wanted you to follow her.”
Passing nannies with strollers who were all eying him, “Yeah, well you can’t always get what you want.”
“Speaking of what I want,” Liz changed the subject, “Are you coming to my graduation?”
Zac laughed, “If they let me back on campus. Are you coming to mine?”
“Hell yes, miss the graduation of a guy who gets kicked out of school, goes to Africa, gets shot, comes back and does two years in one, graduates on time and gets into grad school. Hell, I wouldn’t miss that.”
“Well, you got into grad school, too,” Zac pointed out.
“Yeah, but I actually went to college for four straight years and took as few courses as they would allow me to — I did it right.”
“Show off,” they both laughed.
“Promise me you’ll think about calling her. She’s graduating, too. Call her to congratulate her.”
“Wow, she lost a whole year that she couldn’t make up,” he was surprised at how much he liked hearing news about Lily, news Liz had clearly gotten through connections. He wanted to ask Liz if she had learned anything more than that through her country club “channel”, but he didn’t dare ask.
The less he knew, the better. For everyone involved.
“Think about calling her, Zac.” Liz was a well-bred pit bull.
“I’ll think about it,” he lied.
There was no thinking about it.
For the last two nights, since he had seen her, he was plagued with disconcerting dreams of going after her down the corridor at Wee Burn.
“Lils. Stop. Please let me explain,” he had begged.
“There’s nothing to explain, Zac.” Her face was hard.
“Yes, there is. I did it because I love you. I love you, Lils. You are the only one I have ever loved. It killed me to hurt you the way I did.” he poured his heart out, feeling liberated that he had finally confessed to her.
“Well that’s really too bad for you because I don’t love you, Zac. You know you’re not good enough for me. Everybody knows that.”
And with a searing pain in his heart, he stood motionless as he watched her walk away.
Today, instead of calling Lily and facing her rejection, he fucked two women. One right in her office, the other in a bathroom where he worked. These women wanted him — whether he was good enough for them or not, it didn’t matter — they wanted him, and if he had to fuck another seventy women in the next three weeks to get Liliana Castillo to detach herself from his psyche, so be it. He would fuck her right out of his memory and replace her with empty conquest after empty conquest.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The Following Weekend
The Moore’s SoHo Loft
New York City
Stepping into the old-fashioned freight elevator, Zac carried Nathaniel in his right arm, and let go of Portia’s hand as the elevator door closed.
With her face sticky from strawberry ice cream and a sugar high coursing through her veins, Portia jumped up and down, trying to make the old-fashioned freight elevator car shake, laughing hysterically at her attempts.
Struggling out of Zac’s arms, a chocolate ice cream coated Nathaniel took his place next to her, jumping with his big sister and laughing.
The elevator door opened directly into their loft and the two went running in.
“Don’t touch anything,” Zac screamed from the elevator.
“Lily,” Zac heard Portia scream, stopping him dead in his tracks just inside the elevator door.
Hoping he’d heard her wrong. Hoping he’d heard her right. He stepped into the loft and said a silent prayer that this was not a dream, not another one of his nightmares, this time spilling over into his awakened state. She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t want to see me, he quickly told himself, but the thought was immediately followed up with, this is Lily, she could just be here to rip me a much deserved new asshole.
“Do not touch her,” Mia stopped a racing Portia who was making a beeline to greet their guest. “Both of you, do not touch anything until your hands are wiped.” Mia was on the two little ones with wet wipes in a nanosecond. Turning to Zac, “Did they actually eat any of the ice cream?”
Smiling, he shrugged, “Well, they each had two scoops. One went in and one went on.” Turning to their guest, “Hello Liliana,” he tried so hard to keep his voice cool, but with his heart racing a million miles an hour, he could hear the tightness in his tone.
“Zac,” she acknowledged him, her eyes trained intently upon his face.
“OK, you two, clearly your big brother cannot be trusted to take you out for ice cream.” Mia gave Zac a faux annoyed look, “Let’s get into the bathroom, we’re going to get the two of you into the tub.”
Walking back to the couch, she gave Lily a hug, “Great seeing you, Lil.” Turning to Zac, “Zac, maybe Lily would like something to drink?” Mia hit him with her devil smile, indicating she knew exactly what she was doing.
“Yes, I’d love some water please,” and all of the sudden her demeanor became almost shy, demure, so unlike the powerhouse that was Liliana Castillo.
Zac returned with two waters. He knew his suddenly dry mouth was only one of the physical effects she was having on him.
Sitting down next to her on the pale colored couch, he moved a light blue throw pillow out of the way, so that there was nothing between them. He looked into her golden brown eyes for a long moment, his aching heart pounding, “Lils,” he began, but in typical Liliana Castillo fashion, she cut him off.
“You told me you loved me the other night, but then you didn’t come after me. That doesn’t make sense, Zac.” Serious, logical Lily searched his eyes for answers.
“You’re with Colby. I’m no good for you.”
“That is such a bullshit excuse,” she tossed her hair. “If you loved me, you should’ve come after me. But you’re just more than happy not to have me in your life, aren’t you? So that means you do not love me and were again just feeding me a line.” She stopped, taking stock of the situation, “And now I’m making a fool of myself coming to you. I never should’ve come…” Her face said that her knee jerk anger response to come confront him was probably a useless, futile strategy. She started to stand.
With a quick reflex action, he caught her hand and pulled her back down to the couch. “You’re right. I should have come for you. It’s all I’ve thought about all week. You’re all I’ve thought about all week. But I was still willing to let you go… again. All I could see was you with a fellow doctor from Yale. The perfect couple and you deserve perfect, Lils. You deserve a perfect life. That’s what I want for you. And I am imperfect. I’m as imperfect as they get. I excel at being a fuck-up. And you’re going to be a doctor. You
can’t have someone like me in your life.”
“What the hell does that mean, Zac? Imperfect? Someone like you?” There was anger in her impatience.
“Oh come on, where do I begin with that? You know some of my history and what you don’t know makes what you do know look tame. Getting kicked out of college for running illegal businesses doesn’t even scratch the surface of the shit I’ve done. On top of that, I suck at relationships, Lil. I’ve never had one,” he nodded, seeing her surprised look, “you were my first relationship and look how that ended up.”
“You are so full of shit, Zac. You’ve been involved with a gazillion women. And our relationship ended up the way it did because of extreme circumstances that we did not cause.”
Shaking his head, no, “I’ve had sex with a lot of women,” he watched the pain streak through her eyes like a bolt of summer lightning over the ocean, “but I haven’t had relationships. I’ve never had what you and I had. I didn’t know there was a difference between sex and intimacy until you and I were together. And trust me, that was a fucking epiphany. I didn’t know what it was like to want to make someone else happy, because I’ve never wanted to make someone happy. I never cared enough to. I never gave a shit. I wanted to use them the way they used me. That’s not someone you belong with, Lily. I’m a total douche with women. That’s who I am. And I’m damn good at it.”
“Were you using me?” her voice was little more than a whisper.
He shook his head no, unable to speak.
He had to get her out of there. Her future was so bright — a doctor not in it for the money or the lifestyle. She’d be living in shacks throughout the world caring for the lost and disenfranchised. She. Did. Not. Belong. With. Him.
“Zac, we were perfect together.”
Again, he shook his head no. The shock and hurt on her face slashed at his soul. She sucked in her bottom lip in an attempt to stop it from trembling.
Clearing his throat, “We weren’t perfect together, Lily. We were just two privileged American kids playing at being saviors in the developing world. We concocted a romantic story, but we were far from being the perfect leads.”
“Make up your fucking mind,” her voice was rife with exasperation, “did you love me or not love me?”
“I loved you. But that does not make us good for each other.”
Lily’s palms were flat on her jean clad thighs. Studying them intently, she remained quiet for the first time, her shoulders sinking in defeat.
Every fiber in Zac’s being was screaming at him in a fevered pitch to take her in his arms and not let go, to break the cycle of damage and pain and attempt to enter a world of healthy, nurturing relationships. Fighting the force that was propelling him toward her, he repeated the mantra in his head, “She deserves better. Let her go.”
With a sigh, she finally spoke, “Well I’ve made fool enough of myself for one day. Or in our case, a couple of years. I’m not the kind of girl to beg. You of all people should know that. I just thought we had something worth saving. I’m big enough to admit when I’m wrong.”
Standing, she turned to look at him, pain and resignation in her eyes. A dream had clearly died. He could see that she had carried the same fantasy he had, and a chunk of his black heart beat fiercely for a moment, a final rally before it ceased and withered.
He needed her out of there now. Gone. He needed her with him forever. Stay.
“I love you. Find your dreams,” he wanted to say.
Liliana shook her head in disbelief. She looked as broken as he felt and he hated himself even more for hurting her once again.
Rising to his feet, he looked down at the petite girl, “Goodbye, Lils.”
He knew she was beyond words. Words would incite tears and she had too much dignity to cry in front of him. With a nod of her head, she crossed the loft to the elevator. Pressing the button, he thought she was probably thanking God silently that the elevator car was still there, and that she didn’t have to wait. Stepping in, she pressed the lobby button and turned to face Zac as the doors slowly closed, separating them. As the elevator clanked closed, the pain radiating between them was palpable as an unknown shared dream died, its energy dissipating into the air, as lost and disoriented as they both were.
He walked to the closed elevator door and looked at it, at the space where she had just stood. Lily. His Lily. She wanted to be his Lily. That’s what she wanted. The woman he wanted to give everything. The woman he wanted to make happy. And here he was, not giving her the one thing she wanted. Not making her happy.
He had failed her. She had given him the chance. He knew how far out of her comfort zone she had stepped to give him that opportunity and he’d refused to meet her halfway. He leaned his head against the elevator door and closed his eyes.
Three times was enough.
Turning and racing across the apartment to the fire door, he rammed it open with his shoulder and flew down the steps, three at a time, rounding floor after floor. At the bottom, he rammed through another door, entering the white columned lobby of the old building.
She was just exiting the front door, the swish of her shiny hair following obediently.
“Lils,” he yelled out.
Stopping in her tracks, halfway out the door, she turned to face him. With long legged strides, he crossed the lobby and without waiting for a reaction or invitation, Zac crushed her to his chest.
“Don’t go,” he whispered into her hair, “please don’t go.”
They stood swaying, silently. With his cheek buried in the silken strands of her hair, he began to purge, “I do love you, Lils. But I am an ass. A total douche. I am fucked up, selfish and I can’t stay out of trouble. I’m afraid I’ll ruin your life. I ruin everything. I don’t know how to be part of a relationship, I just know how to use people, how to con people and I don’t want to hurt you.”
Feeling the staccato movements brought on by her tears, he held her tighter. “Shhhh,” his lips grazed her hair.
Looking up at him, tears streaking her cheeks. “You saved my life. You think that was selfish? You put yourself in extreme danger to save me and two kids and you think that is selfish? I don’t know anybody who would do that. And you conning people? You used your wits to get us out of an impossible situation. And then I watched you get shot, Zac. I felt those bullets pierce your body. I felt it. I felt that pain. Three people had to hold me back from running to you. And I was so afraid I’d lost you. That you died saving me. Then I lost you again when you told me we were just a lie. And then last week, you let me walk away. You let me walk away, Zac. And again today. I can’t keep losing you. I just can’t keep losing you.” She buried her face back in his chest to muffle her sobs.
Leading her to a bench at the far end of the lobby, they sat down, his arms still wrapped around her. “I just don’t want to disappoint you.”
“Then don’t let me walk away.” She searched his blue eyes.
“Do you know what you’re signing on for?”
The first smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she nodded.
“And you still want to be with me?” Cupping her cheek with his hand, “And you’re the smart one, huh,” he teased.
“Here’s what I need,” Lily began.
He was relieved that she was spelling it out for him.
“I need you to be true to me.”
“You can’t even imagine how easy that will be. I can do that,” he sighed with relief.
“Can you?” she challenged. “Gorgeous women throw themselves at you all the time. Can you resist that? Can you really be true to me?”
“That is the easiest thing you will ever ask of me, Lils. I don’t want anyone else. Other women are to make me forget that I don’t have you. You are the only one I’ve ever needed. Ever wanted. There is no one else. Trust me, there won’t be anyone else. No one could ever be you.”
“I need you to stop deciding what is best for me. I decide what is best for me. Or we decide what is best for us.
Can you do that?” She was dead serious.
“That’s going to be a bit harder.” He watched her eyes narrow, “I’ll try, but I can’t promise. Lils, if there’s something that I know is best for you or I need to protect you, I’m going to do it. And you’re not always going to like it. But just know I’ve always got your best interests at heart.” Running his hand down her silken hair, he pulled her into him, “Here’s what I will promise. I will be true to you. Always. I will put you first. Always. I will try really hard to work on being in a relationship and making it successful,” he paused, “and I will try to always be the guy you deserve.”
The minute the last sentence was out of his mouth he knew that was the game changer. He had just committed to being a new Zac. A Zac that was worthy of being Liliana Castillo’s boyfriend. A Zac that maybe would someday be Dr. Liliana Castillo’s husband, the civil engineer.
Lily pulled her head away and was staring at some indeterminate point on Zac’s blue and white striped button down shirt.
“What day is your graduation?” her mind was spinning a million miles an hour, as emotions sped across her face.
Smiling at her non sequitur, “The fifteenth.” He had made up the time with a double class load and she had lost the time, and now they were graduating at the same time. He suspected her extended absence from Yale, when she got back from Africa, had everything to do with him. And he felt guilty and shitty that he had stood in the way of her attaining her goals.
“Good,” she nodded, “I’d like to be there. I graduate the next weekend. On the twenty-second. Will you come?”
Taking her face in both hands, he softly kissed her lips, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Lils.” He could already feel the pride swelling in his heart that his girlfriend, yes, his girlfriend, was graduating from Yale. He wasn’t kidding when he told Colby Phillips that he and Lily were nowhere near done. That was a fucking understatement.
As he sat memorizing every nuance of her face, committing it to memory, the realization hit, he didn’t need to commit it to memory. She wasn’t going anywhere. He and Lily were going to be together. In this oh-so-odd turn of events, they were getting a second chance, starting by sharing the ending celebrations of an old phase of their lives with her graduation from Yale and his from City College of New York.
Bad Son Rising Page 17