by Tracey Ward
“I didn’t want to know,” she muttered to herself.
“I’m competing with some guys from college. I already scored a red head last month. I just need a brunette and a blond, a real blond.” He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Jackie wasn’t in ear shot. “You really think the carpet doesn’t match the drapes?”
“I refuse to discuss the vaginal follicles of a woman I’ve known less than an hour,” Jenna answered dryly.
“How long do you need to know her before you’ll take this conversation seriously?” I asked.
She glared at me. “How long do you need?”
“He almost has a Bingo, Jenna. Help him out.”
“You’re messing with me.”
I smiled. “Yeah, I’m messing with you.”
“Thank God.” She pointed at Callum accusingly. “You need a hobby.”
He smirked. “I’ve got one.”
“Bimbo Bingo doesn’t count, you animal!”
“What he needs is a girlfriend,” I suggested.
“So wrong,” Jenna argued.
“Why? How am I wrong?”
“He’s having sex for sport. He’s not gonna take a relationship seriously.”
“I could take a relationship seriously,” Callum protested.
Jenna laughed. “You couldn’t take a Big Mac seriously right now.”
“That sounds good. We should do a food run.”
“You gotta ditch the losing game piece first,” I reminded him.
“That’s easy. Stand up and leave. Dine and dash. Fun and run.”
“Who’s doing a fun run?” Jackie asked, appearing out of nowhere like an idiot poltergeist.
“Rob Lowe,” I lied easily.
“The mayor from Canada? The fat one?”
“Sure.”
She rolled her eyes as she sat down next to Callum. “That guy is banana nut bread. I read he was dropping acid with Winona Ryder like three weeks ago in New York.”
“Where’d you read that?” Jenna asked.
“Internet. There’s a bunch of news sites that give you all the dirty gossip. The really nasty stuff none of the big sites will tell you. Like how aliens built the pyramids, even the one in Las Vegas. I mean, why would there be a pyramid in Vegas when the rest are in Egypt? They were built like six hundred years ago!”
“Sounds legit.”
“So legit. I’ll send you the links. They’ll change your life, I swear.”
“Cool, thanks.”
“We have to go,” Callum said suddenly, standing up and dropping cash down onto the table.
I leaned back in my seat with my beer, getting comfortable. “What’s the rush, man? We don’t have anywhere to be.”
“Yes, we do.”
“No, I don’t think we do. In fact, I think we should order another round. Maybe some curly fries. Really settle in.”
“Don’t be mean to Jenna, dude.”
Jackie cast Jenna a worried look. “What’s wrong with Jenna?”
Jenna shook her head. “Nothing, I’m fi—“
“She got her period!” Callum cut her off. “Just now. It’s a mess. We gotta go.”
Jackie immediately reached for her purse. “Do you need something? I think I have a tampon.”
“She’s allergic.”
“Oh. I’m s-sorry.”
“Yeah,” Jenna said slowly. “Me too.”
“So, we should go,” Callum insisted, already backing away from the table. “Jackie, you can get a ride with your buddy?”
“The bouncer? Yeah. He’s a regular at the store. He’s a kitten.”
“Great. See you later.”
Jenna and I stood slowly, taking our time and making Callum wait for us. We said our goodbyes to Jackie, Jenna receiving a sympathetic hug and a fistful of paper napkins as we were leaving. She took the awkward moment gracefully, smiling and promising to call the other woman when another BOGO went down. It was a lie and I knew it, we all knew it. Everyone but Jackie.
Once we got outside Jenna punched Callum in the chest again.
“Why?” he demanded.
She only pointed at him, her eyes severe slits.
“I’m telling you,” I reminded her, “the guy needs a girlfriend to calm him down.”
“Horse tranquilizers will do the same thing.”
I smiled, lacing my fingers through hers. “Not like a woman can.”
Chapter Seven
Jenna
We got back to Kellen’s apartment late. After a stop for Big Macs – because Callum absolutely could not let it go – we hit another bar more on my side of town. Mine and Callum’s. Then we hit another. Then Callum sang karaoke, shocking the shit out of us with a voice that wasn’t half bad. It was actually more like all good. All great. He slurred a lot and he sang a Katy Perry song, but it was still impressive. He got a standing ovation from the other patrons, tried to jump up on the bar and take his shirt off, and we politely left before they had to ask us to leave. It was a great night, exactly the kind of thing I needed. The kind of thing that both Kellen and I needed together.
When we stumbled inside his apartment, exhausted but sober, my face hurt from smiling. My throat was thrashed from yelling and laughing, and my mood was lighter than it had been in months. I held Kellen’s hand as he guided me through the dark apartment without bothering to turn on any lights. He knew it by heart and I trusted him to get me to the bedroom without a cracked shin or stubbed toe. And he delivered. Because one way or another, no matter how long it took, Kellen always delivered.
He paused at the foot of the bed there in the dark and I could feel his eyes on me. Then I could feel his hands. His lips.
He kissed me gently as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I went soft inside when he held me like that. Like I was everything.
He gently pushed a loose strand of my hair behind my ear, tracing the outside of it before trailing his fingers down my neck. I shivered against him, drawing a smile from him that I could feel against my mouth.
“Tickles?” he asked playfully.
“No,” I whispered.
“Liar.”
“Yes.”
He kissed the edge of my mouth chastely, trailing his lips and his breath over my cheek. Down to my chin. Under my jaw.
I held onto him tightly, feeling my body respond. Feeling my mind shift.
It wasn’t a pleasant feeling.
The second his lips hit my neck and my legs went weak, I worried. I felt afraid and desperate, but not for him. For a rewind. To go back to the night and the bar and the singing with Callum. I wanted to recapture that wonderful feeling I’d had only moments ago before desire rolled in and brought a tide of terror with it. Kellen felt so warm and full, so present under my hands with a smile in his eyes. I couldn’t stomach the thought of the empty. Not now.
God willing not ever again.
I pulled away from him abruptly, feeling my body rush in every direction. In contradiction and confusion. I lifted up on my toes and kissed him quickly, trying to erase the weird moment I was making. “I’m gonna take a quick shower and change. Get ready for bed. Okay?”
He nodded stiffly, his hands still on my hips. His eyes burning into mine.
Kellen wasn’t dumb. He was anything but. He was a tried and tested genius before the accident, and even now after all that his brain had been through he was still smarter than the average bear. And he knew me too well. He felt the shift in my mood as though I had spoken it aloud, and even though he didn’t emotionally have what it took to ask me what was wrong, he wasn’t unaffected by it.
Neither was I.
I nearly ran from the bedroom to the bathroom. I felt a little like crying as I stripped down to nothing in the stark white light. I turned on the hot water as high as I could stand it, hoping the harsh sting would wake me up. Wash me clean. Set me straight. But no matter what I did I couldn’t escape the truth that was staring me in the face.
Kellen and I weren’t what I had hoped we’d be.
We w
ere exactly what I knew we’d be.
It was hard to reconcile that truth in my head with the dream in my heart. I wasn’t crazy. I hadn’t really thought Kellen would be fixed by being with me. That night years ago when he’d slammed on the breaks and broken every part of me but my body, he’d warned me about exactly this. He told me he didn’t know how to be present for someone. That sex was sex and there was nothing after. It was the reason he’d walked away. He hadn’t wanted to hurt me. He didn’t know how to be more for me or anyone. Worst of all, with his past and the abuse he’d endured he was afraid he’d dirty me. That being with me ruined me the way he was so convinced he was ruined.
So no, I hadn’t thought I’d fix him by loving him, but I’d hoped that some part of this would be different. Maybe that we could endure his darkness because it was us. Because we were stronger than the fear and the anger and the hate inside him. Bigger than the nothing.
What if we weren’t ready? What if we’d made a terrible mistake, one that we could never come back from? Sex had changed everything for us because sex had changed everything for him so many years ago. So many nights and tears and screaming torrents of rage and hurt ago. He would never be the same because of it, and now we’d never be the same. I was in it, the thick of it. In the void and the dark with him and he couldn’t find me because he wasn’t looking, he didn’t know how, and I didn’t know my way around. I was lost. I was scared. I was alone.
“What’s wrong?”
I screamed, muffling the sound in my hand and choking it off in the back of my throat.
“Are you okay?” Kellen asked tightly.
I took a deep breath against my damp palm, my lungs filling with hot, wet air. I let the breath out slowly in an attempt to slow my hammering heart.
“Jenna?”
“Jesus, Kellen, you scared the shit out of me!” I cried.
I could see his outline through the white curtain, blurry and indistinct. Huge and imposing, but somehow unsure. Hesitant.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you in here?”
“I want to talk to you.”
“Can’t we talk when I get out of the shower?”
“I might not be able to talk then,” he replied cautiously.
I paused, afraid to move. Afraid to breath. To stir the air and shift the wind from this odd moment where Kellen was actually open.
“What do you want to talk about?” I whispered, not sure he could even hear me.
He must have because I watched his shadow move. His right arm lifted, probably to rub his hand against the back of his neck the way he did when he was uncomfortable.
“I want to know what’s wrong,” he replied reluctantly.
“Why do you think something’s wrong?”
Silence. His shadow didn’t move but I could feel the heat and steam and angst in the room amping up, thickening the air to an almost unbreathable degree.
I ran my hand over my eyes, clearing the moisture from my face. “I—I’m fine, Kel. It’s okay.”
“Don’t do that,” he warned darkly.
“Do what?”
“Don’t lie to make it easy for me. You’ve never been a liar. Don’t start now.”
I felt my shoulders slump. “What do you want from me then?”
“I want to know what’s wrong,” he demanded impatiently.
“What do you think is wrong?”
“If I knew I wouldn’t be asking, and asking was pretty fucking hard for me, so maybe cut me some slack and give me a straight answer.”
“I’m scared!” I shouted, surprising both of us. Not with my words. I think the words were exactly what we both expected. It was the tone. The anger. Kellen and I didn’t fight. At least we hadn’t as friends, but we were different now.
His head fell, his shadow loosing height. Losing strength. “Are you afraid of me?”
“No,” I answered immediately. I started to speak but thought better of it. Then again. Three times.
Kellen waited silently through all of it.
“I’m not scared of you physically,” I clarified.
I heard the sound of the toilet lid closing, coming into contact with the bowl below it. Kellen’s shadow sank into a dark mass in the corner of the room. “Then what are you scared of?”
“You really want to know?”
“Honestly? No. I’d rather be doing just about anything than having this conversation, but I’m really asking because a wise man told me that if I don’t listen you’ll stop talking. Or maybe it was the other way around.”
“My dad?”
“Ben.”
I paused, assessing that. Rolling over the idea of Kellen discussing feelings and listening and talking. Wondering what it took to light this fire under him that sent him into a steaming bathroom asking me about my feelings.
“You’re scared too.”
He sighed tiredly. “Yeah.”
“Can I ask why?”
“You can ask me anything.”
“But it doesn’t mean you’re going to answer.”
“I’m going to try.”
“Why?”
My question was met with stillness and silence. If I couldn’t see him I’d be worried he left the room. Left the apartment, probably left the state of California. He was that kind of cagey. He was that kind of runner.
“I’m scared I’m going to lose you,” he confessed slowly, quietly. “That all the things I need to fix inside me aren’t going to be fixed in time.”
“In time for what?”
“To keep you from leaving. Because I’m pushing you away.”
I pursed my lips hard until they hurt. Until the ache in my mouth matched the ache in my chest. In my gut. In my head. I hurt all over and the hot water suddenly wasn’t warm enough to keep me from shivering there in the shower. I curled in on myself, containing my tears and my fears and the truth of what he said – the dead on accuracy of what I was feeling. What I was afraid of as well.
“Jenna?”
I swallowed hard, blinking the unshed tears free from my eyelashes. “That’s what I’m afraid of too,” I croaked.
He didn’t react right away and the truth is that I would have been shocked if he had. Discussing feelings wasn’t Kellen’s strong suit, even about the little things. We’d had an argument just a week ago about where I hung my car keys in his apartment. Apparently I kept using his hook but instead of telling me he let it fester and piss him off day after day until finally it bubbled to the surface and he couldn’t hide it anymore. He was in a shitty mood all day and when I asked him what was wrong he kept telling me nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Finally I asked one time too many and he cracked. He told me how pissed he was at me. Over keys on a hook. All because he hated talking.
Kellen cleared his throat, standing from the toilet and moving until his shadow nearly blocked out the light of the room. Until the black mass that was the man I loved hovered in front of me, dark and unfamiliar.
“I need you to tell me what’s wrong with us,” he said solidly. “I only know what’s wrong with me. I need you to fill in the rest. To tell me how I can be better, how I can help make us better, because I’m not sure if you know this about me or not but I’ve never gotten close to people. I don’t have a lot of friends, I’ve never had a family, but I’ve always had you. I’ve only ever wanted you.” He paused, his head drooping again, his stance almost contrite. “How do I keep you, Jenna?”
Chapter Eight
Kellen
I hated Ryan Gosling. Him and all of his movies. All of his lines and his smiles and his good looks. His effing effortless ability to speak to the mind and heart of the woman on screen in a way that made her swoon and gush and kiss him in the rain, promising all their troubles were over. Easy, like it was nothing.
I fucking hated him.
Never did I hate him more than now, though, as I stood separated from Jenna by a thin sheet of white fabric. By fifteen years and the dark bars on cracking cages. By the endless void
where I sank into myself when the world was just too much for me.
I had that feeling now. That scared, anxious feeling that begged to be put down into the blackness where it was quiet. I wanted to run to the gym and hide behind the animal. To let it close the doors on the memories in my mind and make my world safe again. And I would. More than likely this night would end with my lungs burning from exertion and my knuckles bloodied by the bag, but not yet. Not now. Now was Jenna and the silence between us that made my breath stick in my chest like molasses, thinning the air and making me lightheaded.
“I know better than to ask you to stay with me… when…” she tried haltingly.
“During sex,” I supplied blandly.
“Yeah. I know that’s off limits. It’s never going to change. But afterward… I wish you would…”
I sighed, nodding my head even though she couldn’t see it. “You want me to come back faster.”
“Yes.”
When I didn’t reply she shuffled on her feet, the sound of the water shifting with her body. I wasn’t looking at her but I could track her by her sound. I could hear her breathing over the rush of the fan and the tumble of the water. I could smell her shampoo in the air. I could imagine her under the hot spray, pink and glistening. The animal growled inside me at the sight. He paced expectantly as my stomach knotted with nervous energy, torn between a growing desire and this need in my heart to square things with her. To know what we needed and hope like hell I could be that for her.
“I don’t know how to do that.” I cleared my throat, sucking in hot air that did little to help me. The dizziness worsened. “I’m gonna try, though. I’ll talk to Ben and figure out how.”
“What’s it like when you’re gone?”
I blinked in surprise. She’d never asked anything like that before. No one had. Not even Ben. “What does the darkness feel like?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s nothing. It feels like nothing. That’s why I do it.”
“You can’t feel anything?”
“I can feel my body. I can feel the world. I feel you.”
“But you don’t feel anything for me,” she said clearly, her voice full of understanding and empty of judgement.