by Tracey Ward
“You’re like a sexy magician!” I called after him.
“Poof! You’re pregnant,” he called back.
I turned in my chair to face my desk. To face the numbers that still refused to add up to anything good. Anything promising.
“Good God, I hope not,” I muttered.
An hour later the place was spotless, Sam had ordered a pizza, and Callum made a beer run. We sat around the store in odd spots eating and drinking, laughing and arguing as the night wore on and no one showed any interest in going home. It was the kind of night that came out of nowhere, that you weren’t planning, but somehow ended up being one of the best you’ve had in a long time.
What happened with Kellen and I last month had been scary. Terrifying, actually. I’d played it cool and calm as best I could but as I’d taken him to bed that night and fallen asleep next to him I wondered if it’d be the last time. I didn’t know how he’d feel in the morning and when he started telling me I could go my heart had seized up in my throat until I’d nearly choked on it.
But Kellen was a runner. A pusher. His first instinct was and maybe always would be to keep people at bay, to push us all away. So I did the only thing I could think to do. The only thing I knew the boxer in him would respond to. I pushed back.
And I was lucky as hell that it worked.
What he told me, the secrets he let me see, were staggering. I couldn’t think about it without crying, and I never wanted to do that in front of him. He hated pity. He hated feeling broken. He hated feeling dirty, and he really hated the thought that he was dirtying me when he touched me. So I kept my tears in check, I moved forward as though the world were not a horrible, painful place that had dealt him the unluckiest of hands, and I sighed with relief when he moved forward with me.
And now here we were on a night like tonight, not perfect, not seamless, but strong. Happy. Free in a way we’d never been before because we weren’t separated by some great unknown. The wall had come down and we could see each other clearly. Unobstructed. No more hiding.
We were honest. We were real.
“Fake,” Sam droned, taking a sip of her beer.
Callum shook his head violently. “No.”
“You’re delusional.”
“They’re real.”
“Fake,” Kellen countered.
“Judas!”
I laughed at Callum’s outrage. “You really think Lindsey Lohan’s boobs are real?”
“I really think they’re full of booze,” Sam chuckled.
Kellen smiled. “And condoms full of cocaine.”
“Hey, you guys, come on,” I scolded sternly. “Be realistic. Lindsey Lohan doesn’t use condoms.”
The room erupted in laughter. Callum flipped me off, Sam toasted me with her beer, and Kellen stood up abruptly, reaching for his phone.
“Holy shit,” he muttered, lighting up the screen.
I watched him anxiously. “What? What is it?”
“It’s the firehouse.” He swiped his finger, answering the call and disappearing to the other side of the building where we could barely see him in the dark. We definitely couldn’t hear him.
“Is that his first call?” Sam asked in hushed tone.
I nodded numbly, my eyes on his shadow. “Yeah. He’s been busy with the EMT gig but he hasn’t had a single call from the fire department.”
“I wonder what happened,” Callum mused. “Volunteers are usually busy during the summer with the wild fires. It’s crazy that he’s getting the call in December.”
Kellen came running back through the building, kissing me quickly on the forehead as he passed, and heading for the front door. “I gotta go,” he told us hurriedly.
“What happened?” Callum asked.
“A house caught fire and it’s out of control. It’s spreading to the houses next door.” He threw his jacket on. “They need all hands on deck.”
“How did it start?”
“Christmas tree lights more than likely. I’ll see you guys later!” he shouted excitedly, pulling open the front door.
I stood up, unsure why but unable to stop. “Be safe,” I pleaded breathlessly.
Kellen stopped to look at me. To read my face. He let the door swing closed as he crossed the room, took my face in his hands, and kissed me gently.
“I’ll be home tonight,” he promised on a whisper. “Wait up for me?”
“Yes.”
He kissed me again before turning on his heel and leaving without another word.
***
I couldn’t have slept if I tried. I paced Kellen’s apartment nervously, freezing anytime I heard a noise outside. I missed the days when he rode his motorcycle. The old Harley had announced his presence like a drumroll, but he stopped riding after the accident. He said his brains were scrambled once, he wasn’t looking to have it done again. I liked that reason. I loved it, in fact. Huge supporter of keeping his big beautiful brain intact.
But sometimes I still missed the way things used to be.
Keys jingled in the door.
I stood breathless in the living room, waiting. I knew it was him. No one had keys to his apartment but the two of us, but still I was anxious and I felt no relief until I saw him fill the frame. So tall. So broad and strong and alive.
I laughed shakily, pressing my hand to my mouth to silence the strange sound.
Kellen looked up and smiled tiredly. “Hey, Jen.”
I laughed again, dropping my hand and giving up on hiding my mixed bag of emotions. “Hey, Kel. How was work?”
“Awesome,” he beamed. He hooked his coat and keys by the door – on his hook – and roughed his hand through his hair. “I smell awful, sorry. I could have showered at the station but I wanted to get home. I knew you’d be up worrying.”
“Only a lot.”
“Yeah. I figured.”
“So, now that I know you survived it give me the details. What happened? Was anyone hurt?”
He came and sat down on the couch, taking my hand and pulling me down across from him. “Nah, everyone got out. Two trucks and a couple ambulances were on the scene by the time my truck got there. They thought they had it under control before they called us in but then the second house started catching and they knew it was getting away from them.”
“Did you go inside?”
He shook his head. “Nah. We were put on the second house to contain it. We got it under control before it made it to the roof.” He grinned. “I got to hold the hose, though.”
“Damn,” I laughed. “First day and they let you have the big guns?”
“I asked nicely.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. I asked the guy, ‘Can I please hold the hose?’. He handed it over and told me I had to share with the other kids.”
“So you took turns?”
“We did. It was good. There were some good guys there. I knew a couple of the EMTs in the buses.” He groaned, sitting back and stretching his muscles out. “When we got back to the firehouse the other volunteers said they were going out for beers.”
“Why didn’t you go?”
He stopped stretching, slumped back into the couch, and reached for me. “Because I’d rather be here with you.”
I smiled as I crept into his lap. As I settled into his side and felt his arm fall heavy around me. Felt his heartbeat strong and steady through his sweat soaked shirt. He was right – he stank. But it was a stink I was used to. One I sort of enjoyed. It smelled like Kellen when he was fresh from the ring. When he was a boxer and a brawler.
A fucking fighter to the blood and bone.
Chapter Thirteen
Kellen
“Get something huge,” Callum suggested. “Something embarrassingly big.”
“I don’t think ‘embarrassingly big’ is in the budget,” Sam cautioned from where she stood between us.
Callum snorted but he didn’t say anything. I was grateful for that. I didn’t want to have to punch him in the face in front of Sam.
Callum, Jenna, and her dad who was also my lawyer were the only people who knew about the massive savings account with my name on it, and I wanted to keep it that way. It grew every month as my dad relentlessly made deposits, despite the fact that I relentlessly gave the money away to charities. Eight thousand eight hundred eighty eight dollars and eighty eight cents every month. Always the same amount every single month since the day I was born on August 8th. It was the only reliable thing about the son of a bitch.
“I was thinking subtle,” I warned Callum.
He chuckled, stuffing his large hands in the pockets of his jeans. “If you want subtle you invited the wrong guy to help you.”
“I didn’t invite you at all. You don’t know shit about any of this.”
“I know more than you do,” he mumbled.
“How? How in the hell is that true? I’ve already done this once before.”
“I wouldn’t be too proud of that,” Sam muttered under her breath.
I rubbed my hands together slowly, erasing the nervous energy building in my palms. “Low blow, but good point.”
“Is this the same place you got Laney’s ring?” Callum asked.
Sam elbowed him in the side roughly. I was more grateful than ever that I’d brought her.
The three of us stood in front of a glowing glass bay of jewelry, the words ENGAGEMENT RINGS written boldly across a sign hanging in my face. I glared at it, resenting its enthusiasm. It reminded me of the last time, the day I’d bought Laney’s engagement ring at another store. She’d been to the store without me to pick one out – at her own insistence, never mine – and when she came over that night she handed me a hold slip with her ring size written on it. I went down the next day and bought the thing, my stomach a roiling, angry mess of nerves and resentment. I could still feel the chalky taste in my mouth from the Tums I was constantly eating as my stomach lining slowly faded away with every bad decision I made. With every shovel full of shit I buried myself under.
Those had been dark days, days I spent away from Jenna trying to distance myself. I wanted her to have a shot at a good guy. A guy worth her patience, love, and pure devotion. Not a piece of poor shit like me, dirtied and rotten inside out with a pretty face, burning gut, and empty eyes. I got worse the longer I was away from her and then one day I found myself again. I found myself in her, in her eyes and in her memory of the man I used to be, the one I wanted to be. Even though I was far from that guy and so much pain had been put on her heart, she loved me still. And dammit did I love her. Always. Every second of every day.
After that I couldn’t leave her again. I didn’t care if it was wrong or right, I was selfish as shit – still was – and I swore to myself I’d do whatever it took to be with her. To stay with her forever.
All I needed her to do was say yes. Just one word to set me up for life. To set me straight.
“Is there something I can show you?” a woman asked from behind the counter.
I looked down from the banner I’d been glaring at into crystal clear green eyes. Long brown hair and a heart shaped mouth. Slim waist under a gray sweater that bulged at her chest and flared at her hips. She was perfectly manicured, perfectly styled. A model in a uniform surrounded by diamonds and precious metals.
I was unimpressed.
Callum, on the other hand, was staring. Maybe drooling.
Sam scowled at him out of the corner of her eye.
“I hope so,” I answered her, my eyes scanning the case in front of me.
“Something for your mother?”
I smiled, glancing pointedly at the banner above me. “No. My girlfriend. I’m going to ask her to marry me.”
“Lucky girl. What is the lady’s style? Her aura?”
I glanced over at Sam, looking for help.
She shrugged. “I’ve seen her naked but I’ve never seen her aura.”
“Yeah, me either,” I grumbled.
“Am I the only here who hasn’t seen Jenna naked?” Callum demanded.
We ignored him.
“He’d like something classic, simple,” Sam explained to woman, telling her what we’d vaguely discussed on the phone the other night. “Vintage but original. I was thinking a bezel setting. Just under a carat, E to F color, and he won’t even take his wallet out for anything less than VVS2 clarity.”
The woman smiled, nodded, and disappeared farther down the counter, searching for something to match Sam’s very exact specifications.
I looked at Callum meaningfully. “This is why she got invited and you didn’t.”
He shook his head sadly. “You didn’t strike me as the blingy type, blue eyes.”
“Disappointed?” she smirked.
“A little, yeah.”
“Well, don’t be. Do you see me wearing any diamonds? Anything from Tiffany?”
“No.”
“No. And you won’t. Not my style. But my great grandpa opened a jewelry shop when he was thirty. He built it up his whole life, trained his son who trained my dad and my uncle to help run it. They inherited it when he died and I grew up inside it just like they did. Someday maybe I’ll run it, I don’t know.” She shrugged, her eyes scanning the store aimlessly. “I haven’t quite figured all that out yet.”
“If your family owns a jewelry store than what are we doing in this place?” Callum asked.
Sam smiled slyly. “Because Kellen didn’t give me enough heads up to make us an appointment, you can’t get in the doors without one, you’re wearing jeans for Christ sake, and even if we pooled together everything all three of us have in our checking accounts right now, we couldn’t afford the champagne we serve guests, let alone a ring.”
“You gotta be shitting me.”
“Nope.” She lowered her voice as the woman returned with a black velvet tray carrying three shining rings on it. “This is a Walmart compared to our store. No offense, Kellen.”
I chuckled. “None taken. I’m not looking to drop another thirty thousand on a ring. Jenna would never accept it.”
Sam’s head snapped up to look at me sharply. “You bought Laney a thirty thousand dollar ring? How?” she hissed.
I ignored her, smiling at the woman as she laid the tray down in front of us. They all looked pretty much the same to me. They were beautiful. Fluid and uncomplicated, uncluttered. The settings were identical, one was obviously bigger than the rest but the other two looked comparable. They looked like the style Sam had suggested a couple nights before, one I knew Jenna would appreciate.
I nodded to Sam approvingly, letting her loose on the merchandise.
“Can I have a loop, please?” she asked the woman, picking up the largest ring and getting down to business.
I went to stand by Callum a few paces away, watching her work. Sam stood out like a sore thumb in her all black clothes, heavy makeup, and jet black hair in the brightly lit store. She was onyx in a sea of sand – beige and taupe. It only took about two minutes for the clerk’s attitude toward her to change, though. That’s how long it took for Sam to have her on her toes, asking to see the GIA Grading Report on all three diamonds and examining each gem in the loop.
“She’s got skills,” Callum commented quietly as we watched her work.
“Girl’s practically an expert.”
“You sure about this?”
I shrugged. “She’s not an actual expert, but she’s the closest I’ve got to it.”
“No, not about Sam,” Callum said, his voice uncharacteristically somber. He looked over at me, his arms folded over his chest and his feet set wide in what I had come to know over the years as his Thinkin’ Stance. “About getting engaged again.”
My first instinct was to get angry at him. The animal was always ready and waiting. All he needed was a reason and at first glance Callum had given him a good one.
But then I realized he wasn’t questioning my commitment to Jenna. He wasn’t asking if I loved her or not, whether I thought I could be faithful to her. Hell, he hadn’t even said
her name. What he asked was whether or not I was sure about getting engaged again – and considering how the first one had turned out, it was a fair question.
I ran my hand over the back of my neck, thinking about my answer. Taking him seriously for once. “I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I had a lot of bad years and a lot of hard times, and when Dan showed up and saved my ass after that fight in high school I was pretty star struck. There he was this guy from my neighborhood in an expensive suit sitting behind a huge desk in an even bigger office. His house sat on the hill by the water like a castle and his wife was so…”
“Hot,” Callum filled in for me. “Don’t be a pussy about it, Karen is hot.”
“Yeah. She’s hot. And so is Laney. And then Jenna was just— from day one Dan looked at me like I was worth saving. Jenna looked at me like I was worth loving. No one had looked at me like that in a long time, man. Not since my mom, and you miss it when it’s gone. You miss being seen as something more than nothing. Dan wanted to groom me, Karen wanted to spoil me, Laney wanted to fuck me, and Jenna just wanted to love me. Always. She’s never stopped, even when I wanted her to. Even when I tried to make her.”
“Even when you got engaged to her sister.”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah. Bad decisions. I told you. I knew it at the time.”
“What about this time?”
“Marrying Jenna is the best decision I’ll ever make,” I told him austerely. “I’d skip all of this – the ring and the dress and the planning – and I’d married her tonight if I could.”
My phone began to ring in my pocket. The sound was unimaginably loud inside the quiet store and I hurried to silence it, but my heart and my hands froze when I recognized the number. It was the firehouse.
“Hello?” I asked, holding a finger up to Callum, telling him to wait.
He scowled at me and bit the air above my finger with a loud click of his teeth.
I switched fingers and flipped him off.
“Kellen Coulter?”
“Yes.”
“This is Baxter. Hermosa Beach Fire Department.”
“Yes, sir. I remember you.”