I shake my head. ‘Even if I don’t really know what love is, Emoto, I know what it’s not.’ The realisation of that fills me with a sadness so huge I can’t even look at my friend any more.
And then – out of the blue, something extraordinary happens.
‘Oh!’ Even through the tears that are streaming down my face, I laugh, I can’t help myself, I look up at Emoto, beaming.
That can’t be what I just thought it was, can it?
Emoto is leaning over me suddenly, his hand on my shoulder in concern. ‘I’m OK, honest, I’m OK!’ How can I tell him? How can I actually say this?
‘I think I just felt the baby move.’ Is this what it feels like? ‘It feels like a little butterfly fluttering. Like someone’s suddenly arrived.’ The one I’ve been waiting for all my life.
‘You felt it?’
‘Yes!’ I take his hand and shamelessly place it low down on my belly. He looks surprised, but I can’t help myself.
‘Here. That’s it. I’m sure it is! Oh, blimey – there it goes again, OMG!’
‘I feel it, Scarlett,’ he laughs. ‘You’re looking a bit shell-shocked though. It must be a very strange sensation. What does it feel like?’
‘It feels – just like that feeling I just told you about a moment ago,’ I tell him thickly.
‘Like love?’ His eyebrows go up in surprise. ‘Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Like love, yes, but love isn’t what I thought it was, Emoto! It’s something else,’ I gush. I never knew it till this moment. ‘It isn’t the feeling that you’d do anything to have that person, or to be with that person…’
‘No?’
‘No. It isn’t about possession at all. It’s about what you’d be prepared to sacrifice for them. It’s about what you’d be prepared to give. That’s what love is.’
‘And – what are you prepared to give?’
I watch as he picks up my little tin cup with Tunga’s herbs in it and offers it to me. I shake my head a fraction and he turns and throws the whole contents out into the sizzling river. And then, just to make sure, he sweeps the palm leaves off the rock too. We both watch, laughing as the leaves bob and sway for a few moments before hurtling out of sight beneath the creaking bridge.
I didn’t anticipate this. I didn’t know it could ever be as wonderful as this.
‘Hey, look…’Emoto’s voice darkens suddenly. He turns his head from the river to look at me and I can see the disappointment in his eyes. ‘Your boyfriend’s here. He’s come for you early, Scarlett. He must have heard about the danger from the floods…’
‘Gui?’ I look at Emoto, startled.
‘He might just understand, Scarlett.’ Emoto’s hand touches mine for a split second, reassuring. ‘Don’t be afraid. You’ve made your decision now. Just tell him the truth. Come on,’ Emoto pulls me to my feet. ‘That bridge may not even last another two hours. You’ve got to get your shit together. We may not be back this way again.’
I have a feeling he is right. I didn’t even have to make the decision in the end. Somehow, it was already made for me.
And after today there will be no turning back.
Hollie
I don’t know why I imagined they might have laid him to rest beside you, Mum. I slide my bunch of freesias into the little glass vase I’ve brought and place it apologetically on top of Helen’s grave. Geoffrey Wincanton. Your Geoffrey. Our dad. He’s not here. He’ll have been buried with his own people of course and you still can’t be together. Just like when you were both alive.
It explains a lot. Why you wanted to go away so much, why you didn’t choose to stay with us. It wasn’t just the work. It was him, the father I never knew but from whom I apparently inherited my dark hair, the shape of my eyebrows; maybe my seriousness too?
He’s not here. I plump up the freesias which are all sagging to one side, falling over like exhausted soldiers on parade drill, and I catch sight of the old familiar words etched over the grave: intrepid explorer, mother and friend.
I used to think, that isn’t enough, it’s not enough to fill in a lifetime, is that all? But I understand now that your life did mean more than that. Because you loved someone. Because you were loved. Flo left all that bit out, didn’t she? Well, she shouldn’t have.
As for me, I have loved and been loved, too. Now it’s my turn to become an intrepid explorer. I feel an old tug of excitement in my belly at the prospect. I never thought I’d feel this way again but I do. Rich took me out to visit the old farmhouse where we’d be living and I fell in love with the place, Mum. I couldn’t help it.
There’s a cool stone outbuilding with high windows where the sunlight pours in for most of the day, lighting up every surface. Perfect for a place to sit and be creative. I might take up knitting designer garments again. Signor Bonomi’s wife owns a little boutique in the town…oh, it’s exciting in a way I never imagined it could be. A whole new dream.
I won’t tell you that I don’t still think about Scarlett every single day because that would be a lie. I won’t tell you I don’t ever wonder if she’s still carrying my baby or not, of course I do. And it’s true that my insides are aching with tears every time I think about what she did – and what I did, too.
But I’ve got to carry on because…maybe it isn’t the most important thing in the world any more if I don’t get to be a mother. If I’m lucky and it comes to me then I’ll embrace the chance with all my heart. If it doesn’t, I’ll embrace all the rest of my life just as gladly.
I stand now, the wind parting a ragged cloud so that a swathe of sunshine falls into the cemetery, picking out the one word with the chip in the stone beside it that always used to perplex us so much every time we came up here, years ago.
Friend?
Yes, Helen. Friend. I give a small smile. I’m sad that I won’t be coming back here very often any more because soon I’m going to be far away. But I’m glad because at last I’ve found some measure of peace.
I hope you have, too.
Scarlett
Tell him the truth, Emoto says. What truth is that, though? The one about how this baby was conceived with honourable intentions – or the one about why my own sister never wants to see me again? Maybe Emoto means tell him the truth about how I don’t love him, I was hoping that those feelings might come but I think now that they never will. But if I tell him the truth I’m going to hurt him – another person I’m doing that to – and it also means that my tribe will suffer.
And now we’re almost at the bridge. Gui has come nearly the whole way over to greet us, beckoning us to him; he’s having to shout over the deafening roar of the water. ‘Come on, come now. This bridge isn’t going to hold out much longer.’
‘I’ve got to go back for the others.’ Emoto cups his hands to his mouth. ‘Got to get the jeep.’
‘No time,’ Gui yells back. ‘This thing won’t hold the weight of a vehicle; get the people, nothing else. And you, my darling,’ he hugs me briefly, gratefully, ‘you come with me.’
‘I’ve got to get my…’ I begin, but he shakes his head fiercely.
‘In times like this, Scarlett, you must choose life over possessions. Don’t fight me on this.’
We both look down then as one of the vertical wooden struts on the other side of the bridge suddenly cracks and breaks away entirely with the force of the water on it. In an instant, it spins off downstream and disappears. My boyfriend looks at me, as much to say – if the bridge goes down when we’re on it, that could be us.
When I turn to see if Emoto also witnessed it, it’s too late; he’s already gone back.
‘I’ve got my jeep on the other side. As long as we can get everyone safely to the main road I can call for backup. We can get everyone out. Right now it’s you that’s my priority.’
I smile at him gratefully. But for once, I am not my own priority. Hollie’s baby is. Just at this moment, nothing matters more. I take his hand and he doesn’t let me hesitate, he virtually pulls m
e across the bridge. The structure seems to be splintering up underneath us even as we run, the force of the water tearing it apart piece by piece.
Oh, where are the others? How long have they got? I do a quick calculation in my head. Without me to encumber him, Emoto would have made it back to base camp in under five minutes; say another two minutes for him to get everyone out, and another five to get them back here – we could still all make it out, if they hurry. Barry seriously underestimated the amount of time they had left. And Gui’s right, there is no way anyone’s driving a jeep across this thing today.
‘You get in.’ We’ve reached the main road and Gui is holding open the door of the jeep for me. ‘I have to go back and help the others…’
‘Don’t go!’ I put a hand on his arm to stay his departure and a warm smile spreads over his face at my touch. It’s a beautiful smile. Why did I never see it before? A smile filled with such love. How come I never noticed before how attractive that is, how attractive he is, because he loves me?
‘I’ll be safe,’ he promises me. ‘I’ll be back soon.’
‘Gui, I need to talk to you.’ I keep hold of his arm. ‘Before the others get back here. It won’t take a moment. Please…’
‘To tell me that you realise now you made a mistake coming back here? You wish that you had listened to me?’ His voice is warm, teasing, not triumphant. ‘Or do you want to tell me that you’re ready to accept my proposal of marriage?’
I blink as the water from my soaked hair runs down my face, into my eyes. What if he gets on that bridge and he goes down and he never comes back? What a time to ask me that question. I squeeze his fingers in reply. Through the gap in the trees I can just make out the edge of the bridge from here. The others aren’t there yet. Surely they must arrive soon?
The tribe were due to rejoin Tunga this morning too, I remember suddenly! Which direction will they be coming from? And what will they do if they arrive to find the only crossing for miles is down?
‘So troubled, by so many thoughts.’ Gui is still looking at me intently. ‘But you missed me, yes?’
Somehow, without me noticing it, he has drawn me close to him. But I have to be honest, now. I really need to tell him the truth.
‘Don’t go, Gui. I have to tell you something. I should have told you when we had that week together but I didn’t. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how you’d take it. I was scared of…’
‘Scared of me?’ he pulls a puzzled face. ‘Surely not?’
Oh, God. I swallow, because suddenly I feel very sad. I am going to lose him, it dawns on me, and I never realised how much that would hurt.
‘Scared of losing you.’
He gestures me inside the jeep and slides into the seat beside me, closes the door. Even in here, the air is misty and dank as if the low-lying cloud outside has seeped its way into our space. I feel a shudder go right through me, but whether it is of cold or fear, I cannot tell.
‘And why are you going to lose me?’ He’s suddenly very still and intent.
‘Because I don’t think you’re going to understand – what I’ve done. You won’t accept it, I know.’ He raises his eyebrows questioningly and I clear my throat.
‘I am expecting a baby, Guillermo. A baby that I offered to have for my sister,’ I gabble. ‘As a surrogate. I did it because she can’t have any of her own and it’s the only thing that she feels will give her life any meaning. I offered it because I love her and I wanted her to be happy, but…’ I hesitate, trying to gauge his response ‘…I also did it because I thought it’d mean she’d have to sell up the family home if she had a child and that way I’d get enough funds to help my friends out here…’
‘Funds?’ His face has suddenly paled in disbelief. ‘Scarlett, Scarlett…’ his voice is pained. ‘What have you done? Why didn’t you just ask me? The money would have been yours. If you had asked me, we could have also found a woman to help your poor sister.’
‘No,’ I choke. ‘It had to be me who did it for her. For so many reasons that I can’t tell you. But it had to be me.’
‘Why didn’t you just tell me all this?’ he says sorrowfully. ‘Why keep it from me? You must see it comes as more of a shock now…’
‘I was going to tell you, as soon as I got back. And then Eve said…she said…’I look at him hesitantly, because here we’re getting into muddy waters. ‘She thought you’d be mad at me. She thought maybe you wouldn’t believe me.’
‘Why shouldn’t I believe you?’
I shrug, not trusting myself to speak.
‘I understand your motivation well enough – even if I don’t know quite why it had to be you and no one else who helped your sister. I’m sure you had your reasons. As for not believing you…I’m a businessman, Scarlett. I have a businessman’s fine instincts for detecting treachery and lies. Of course I believe you!’
‘Can you forgive me, though?’ I look at him hopefully. He’s upset, of course he is, but he’s taking this so much better than I’d expected…
‘For not trusting me enough to tell me, you mean?’ He considers this for a bit. ‘I could forgive you anything, my love. Anything at all, except one thing.’
I turn my head suddenly as the sound of shouting from the other side of the bridge draws our attention.
‘What is that, Gui?’ I turn to him hopefully. ‘What couldn’t you forgive?’
‘Betrayal,’ he says without missing a beat. ‘You would never betray me with another man, would you, Scarlett?’
‘Oh, look, it’s them!’ My face colours as I can still feel his eyes searching mine intently. He doesn’t look away. ‘It’s the others.’ I tap his hand, trying to get a response.
‘Gui, shall we go to them?’
There’s just a fraction of a second’s hesitation before he assents and we both jump out of the jeep. He’s quickly ahead of me as we race towards the bridge, though. Through the driving rain I can just make out Emoto and Eve and Barry and at least four European Alliance people, though not Gillian Defoe because apparently she stayed behind at the Forestry Conference, networking. A couple of her people are carrying heavy rucksacks, which Emoto is trying to persuade them to leave behind.
The bridge is creaking ominously. I can’t see Tunga. There’s a lot of commotion going on. One of the women is crying, saying she won’t cross. The next minute, Gui is striding over the bridge. I stand on the far side and watch him, heart in my mouth. He doesn’t need to do this. He could have just stood here with me and helped beckon them over. If he falls in the water now – my heart skips a beat – he’ll drown, no matter how much of a good swimmer he is. Anyone would. They’d be swept away in an instant and go down.
And I don’t want that to happen to him. Even though I know that what I feel for him is not – can never be – love. I wanted to love him, for so many reasons. For his smooth brown hands and his deep, dark honest eyes with their curly eyelashes. Even now, I love that he cares so much about people that he’d risk his own life to save them.
As for me, I’ve done the right thing this morning, saving Hol’s baby. But maybe that baby has saved me, too? Once I felt it move I think it must have opened the floodgates of my heart.
And now the people, one by one, are travelling tentatively over the bridge. Like a beast of burden, sagging and broken-spirited, the bridge sighs and shudders under their weight but somehow, after the longest fifteen minutes of my life, everyone makes it safely over to our side. Their faces all look pale, hollow-eyed, shocked as molluscs scraped by a fisherman’s knife off their rock.
‘Where’s Tunga?’ I turn to Barry, missing him suddenly. ‘Did he not come back with you?’
Barry frowns. The thin cotton vest he always wears looks grey and worn today. I can see the hairs on his forearms standing out proud, his muscles shivering in the sickly cold that the rain has brought with it.
‘I didn’t see him go.’
‘He turned back,’ Eve pipes up in her nasal voice now. ‘I saw him turn b
ack.’
‘Why would he have turned back?’ I turn to Barry in distress. ‘The bridge is going to fall…’
‘This is his land,’ Barry puts in. ‘He knows what he’s doing. The tribe are joining him this morning, don’t forget – perhaps that’s why he didn’t come.’
A sudden and almighty sound of splitting wood drowns him out now as the last two remaining struts holding up the bridge cave in and splinter like matchsticks. The whole structure collapses in on itself and tumbles into the water, becoming driftwood in seconds. Only the jagged ends where it was connected to the banks, remain.
‘Jeez, Gillian is going to be devastated when she gets back.’ Barry turns and takes everyone in, his eyes lighting at last on Gui. ‘Thank you,’ he says gravely. Gui spreads his hands dismissively, but his face looks – it looks dark. Is he upset, shocked even, at how quickly the whole thing collapsed? Strangely – perhaps because they too, are still in shock – no one seems to be in a hurry to move away from the riverbank. They’re all just standing around and staring. I suppose someone should marshal them into some sort of action, get them back onto the main road?
‘Gui?’ I go up and thread my arm through his. ‘We didn’t finish our conversation properly, did we?’ I whisper into his ear. ‘Thank you for being so understanding. About the surrogacy. I just want to be sure if you’re really OK with it?’
‘I’m OK with it.’ But his body feels stiff and unyielding under my touch. He feels cold, prickly all of a sudden. Maybe he’s more hurt about the whole thing than he’s letting on? I look at him anxiously.
‘We did use a syringe, you know. To get pregnant, I mean.’ I peer at him, feeling the worry mounting in my chest because something’s bugging him, I know it.
‘So I imagined.’ He turns to me suddenly, pulls me out of earshot of the little group. ‘I understand what you did. I don’t like it, to be frank, but I won’t judge you for it because you did it out of love. Under the circumstances, I can even forgive you for not telling me sooner. There’s just something…’ he looks directly at me suddenly ‘…something not quite right.’
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