I spotted Aurelio sitting in the corner. He was in a wheelchair, dressed like an old man in a heavy coat that was now too large for him. On his head the knit cap. But still the same aquiline beauty. A dying prince. Kitty and Lulu stood by him like sentinels, shielding him from all but the most welcome of well-wishers.
“Hello, Lio,” I said, after waiting my turn, kneeling beside his chair. “Your big night at last. It’s a triumph. Congratulations.”
“Wylie,” he said, managing a smile. “I’m so happy to see you.”
“Hello, Kitty. Hello, Lulu,” I said. “Lio, I’d like you to meet someone. This is Kate. Kate, this is Lio. This is his mother, Kitty. And Lulu.”
Kate smiled at each of them. I was learning that she always had the right reaction to everything. “Lio, Wylie’s told me so much about you. It’s an honor to be here. Your paintings are incredibly powerful. Thank you for sharing them.”
Lio smiled weakly. “Thank you. Wylie, where did you find her? Not only is she beautiful, but she has wonderful taste in art.”
There were more people waiting behind us. He was like a groom at a wedding. There was no time to talk at length. We moved on.
“You would barely recognize Aurelio if you’d seen him a few years ago,” I said. “He was the best-looking guy I ever met. Tall, strong, passionate. Confident yet at the same time sweet.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We’re all sorry. It doesn’t seem fair, somehow. Look at the incredible paintings around us. He’s a great painter. If he dies, what a loss.”
It was at that moment I noticed Cesca. She was watching me, with a faint smile on her lips, waiting for me to notice her. For a few moments she held my gaze and then returned her attention to whomever she was speaking with.
Even though I thought I would be, I was unprepared to see her again. Like the memory of a cathedral, it is possible to remember a woman but it is easy to forget how overwhelming the reality can be. It is only in the face of that reality that one can be fully conscious of the sheer physical presence, the exquisite beauty, the inexplicable awe, the irretrievable secrets. As the eyes take in what the mind recalls, memory is obliterated. All that remains is the beating of one’s heart growing louder with every passing second.
I stopped momentarily, unsure of how to proceed. Cesca had no such uncertainty. She came right up to us. “Tricky Wylie,” she said, leaning in her cheek for a kiss, first on the right, then the left. The warmth of her skin, the familiarity of her scent. Jasmine and roses. It was intoxicating. She had cut her hair. It was now shoulder length, which in the dress she was wearing emphasized her magnificent shoulders and clavicle. She looked tan and rested, like a movie star between films. “I was hoping you’d be here. It’s been far too long.”
“Hello, Cesca.” I was almost reluctant to speak, fearful my words or my voice would somehow betray me, making it obvious to Kate who Cesca was and what she meant to me.
It was as though Cesca understood what I was feeling and was slightly amused by it. “And who’s this?” she asked, with her brightest smile.
I cleared my throat. “Kate, this is Cesca. She’s Lio’s older sister.”
“How do you do?” said Kate.
“Wylie, she’s beautiful. Kate, it’s very nice to meet you. I’ve known Wylie here since he was a little boy. When you fell out of the tree, remember?” She laughed, and I joined her. I was slightly annoyed that she would bring this up. “Has he ever told you about that?”
“No,” answered Kate. “Should he have?”
“You should get him to. Even then he was ambitious,” Cesca continued. “Always reaching a little higher. Are you still like that, Tricky Wylie?”
I blushed. “Well, yes, I suppose I am. What about you?”
“I never reach for anything,” she said with a laugh. “You should know that.”
“I heard you have a shop in Soho now,” I said, changing the subject.
“Yes, you can design your own perfume. It was an idea I came across in Istanbul. I was in the bazaar, and there was this little shop where there were all these little bottles, all of them containing wonderful things with wonderful names like vetiver, ylang-ylang, burnished attar rose, and emerald jasmine. It was magical. We have nothing like it here, so I decided to do it.”
“It sounds very exciting,” said Kate.
“It is. You should come by. It’s an incredible experience to have a perfume that was created only for you.”
“How is Lio doing?” I asked.
Her expression tightened. “Not well. Mare and Lulu spend all their time taking care of him, but he just keeps getting sicker and sicker.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s been hell, quite honestly. I thought that having this show would actually kill him it was so much work and worry.”
“It’s an incredible show,” said Kate.
Cesca nodded. “Yes, it is. Look, there’s a party after back at the house. Why don’t you both come?”
Kate and I left soon after and had dinner nearby. “Are you all right?” she asked.
I told her that I had been upset by seeing Lio and his paintings, which was partially true. What I did not mention was my reaction to seeing Cesca again. But Kate wasn’t entirely fooled.
“She’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen,” she said.
“Who is?”
“Cesca.”
“Yes. Yes, she is.”
“Is there anything I should know?”
I stared at her. “No. Why do you ask?”
“The way you acted around her. I’ve never seen you so nervous.”
I laughed. “Well, I suppose I had a bit of a crush on her when I was younger. You never really get over that sort of thing. I see her, and I feel like I’m a kid again.”
She then proceeded to tell me about a crush of hers, a boy from tennis camp. She was nine, he was eleven. He was golden, had a killer backhand. All summer long, she trailed after him like a puppy. She’d run into him last year. He was fat and already losing his hair. “So much for childhood crushes.”
But Kate didn’t mind going to the Bonets’ for the after-party. She had a beautiful woman’s confidence in herself; it was unthinkable that anyone else could be more alluring. When our taxi pulled up at their town house, every light was ablaze. The same limousines and town cars that had been in front of the gallery appeared to be there. The front door was open, and guests streamed in and out. Music blared. The high-ceilinged living room was filled with couples dancing. People were drinking on the stairwell. I saw Carmen and waved. To my surprise, Cosmo approached me, holding out his hand and smiling. He had put on weight since I had seen him last but was still darkly handsome.
“Wylie,” he said. “Good to see you. Who is this beautiful woman? You must introduce us.”
“Kate,” I said. “This is Cosmo Bonet. Cosmo, this is Kate Henry.”
“A pleasure, Miss Henry.”
“Wylie said you might be here,” she said. “I’m a big fan.”
“Are you now? I’m flattered. It is one of my greatest joys to meet someone who likes my music—especially when they are as lovely as you. Tell me, which album do you like the most?”
She blushed. “Land of the Castles is my favorite.”
“Is it? You know that’s what many people think the word Catalonia originally meant.”
“Cosmo’s father is Catalan,” I pointed out helpfully, but Cosmo ignored me. I listened to them chat for several moments. Or rather, to Cosmo talk about himself. Kate didn’t seem to mind though. I excused myself to get a drink.
I found Lio in a small study surrounded by admirers. Lulu, as always, hovering in the background. On his right, a handsome older man who looked very familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him. Lio was smiling, laughing, buoyed up by the success of the evening.
“I sold out, Wylie!” he exclaimed. “Every painting! Can you believe it?”
“Congratulations!” I said, leaning over and hug
ging him gently.
“Wylie, this is my father, Ugo,” he said, indicating the older man. To his father, he spoke in rapid Catalan, pointing at me.
“I remember your father,” said Ugo Bonet, offering a large hand, his accent strong. “You look more like your mother. She was a beautiful woman. I hope she is well?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“I am glad to hear it. Please remember me to her.”
“I will.”
“There you are!” said a voice behind me. It was Cesca. She came in, walking past me and kissing both her father and her brother. “Lio, it’s a party in your honor. Everyone wants to see you, but you’re hiding away in here.”
Lio smiled. “When I was healthy, I hated parties. Now at least I have an excuse.”
“All right, darling. I understand. I just wanted you to know how many people here love you. We are all so proud of you.”
“I know. Thank you. I think I am just going to go to bed. I’m exhausted.” He held out his hand. Lulu stepped forward and helped him to his feet. I also stepped forward, reaching out my hands. “It’s all right, Wylie,” he said. “I’m not completely feeble yet.”
His father also rose to his feet, saying something to his son in Catalan, his hand on Lio’s back.
“Good night, my friend,” Lio said to me. “Thank you for coming.” He weakly opened his arms, and we embraced.
Cesca and I watched him shuffle off, supported by Lulu and his father. She was silent. Thoughtful. “I don’t know who I feel more sorry for,” she said finally. “Pare or Lio.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“What’s worse? To die or to watch a child die? I know which I’d think was worse. I don’t know how my mother does it. If it was my son, I’d be a wreck.”
“Lio’s still alive. There’s still a chance. They say there are new advancements all the time.”
“I don’t believe the doctors anymore. They’ve lied to us too much.” She sighed. There was a little balcony off the study that looked out over the backyard. “Let’s get some fresh air,” she said, turning the brass handle on the glass door that led to the balcony. She lit a cigarette and exhaled. “Brrrr. It’s chilly,” she said. Taking the hint, I removed my jacket and offered it to her. “Always a gentleman,” she said with a smile. She held up her arm. Around her wrist was the Cartier watch I had given her. “See, I still have it.”
“How are you?” I asked.
“I’m all right. The shop has been good for me. Keeps me in one spot. How are you?”
“Good.”
“Your girlfriend is very pretty. How long have you been with her?”
“A few months.”
“Serious?”
“I think so.”
“Do you love her?”
Memories of Paris. Of Selene. What I had thrown away. I had heard from a mutual friend that she had married. “Why do you care?”
“I didn’t say I did. I was just curious. But I’d be happy for you if you did love her.”
“Why? Would it make you feel better about what you did?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t feel badly about what I did. You shouldn’t have asked me to marry you. Who knows? Maybe if you hadn’t, we’d be together still.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Doesn’t it? Then I guess you don’t know me as well as you thought you did, Tricky Wylie.”
I said nothing.
She was close to me now. Her cigarette extinguished. I felt helpless. As always, I wanted her. There had never been a time when I didn’t want her. She knew that. Reaching up, she kissed me lightly on the lips, her eyes fixed on mine, lingering there for several seconds. An eternity.
“But I know you,” she said. “You will come back to me if I want.” She stepped back. “Here’s your jacket. I’m going inside.”
Then she turned and left the balcony, leaving me alone in the dark, the sounds of the party echoing through the big house.
For several minutes, I stood there, feeling the cold, replaying the scene in my head, hearing her words, scared of the truth.
Finally I went back inside and rejoined the party. There were fewer people now. I had forgotten about Kate. Would she have missed me? Did she suspect anything?
I spotted her walking up the stairs. “Finally,” she said. “I didn’t know where you had gotten to.”
“I was speaking with Lio. He’s gone to bed.”
“His brother is charming. You shouldn’t have left me alone with him. He even asked me out. Would have served you right too for abandoning me if I had said yes.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Of course not. I told him I was with you.”
“And that worked?”
She laughed. “Well, it did take some convincing. He’s not the kind of person to accept no for an answer. But I didn’t trust him. I’ve known a lot of men like him. They always disappoint you.”
“And I wouldn’t disappoint you?”
“I wouldn’t let you.” She smiled.
That night, after we made love, I couldn’t sleep. I lay there in the dark listening to Kate breathe, watching her breasts rising and falling. For the first time since we met I felt I could betray her. That I could take her love and trample it underfoot. And I hated myself for that realization. She was so trusting, so loving. I knew how lucky I was but also knew how weak I was too.
Was Cesca right? Would I go back to her? I always had in the past. She just had to snap her fingers, and I came. But I was determined to be better than that. To not let Cesca poison this relationship too. I loved Kate. Maybe not in the way I had loved Cesca, but that love had always left me heartsick and alone, staring at an empty pillow. With Kate I could have something healthier. Be settled. Maybe one day start a family. Was it really that hard to decide? It wasn’t.
22
AURELIO DIED OF AIDS IN JULY. IT WAS CARMEN WHO TOLD me. I was in the office when the phone buzzed. “A Dr. Bonet for you,” said my secretary. “Will you take it?”
Cesca had asked her to call me. They had been with him at the end. Cesca was too upset to talk to anyone, Carmen said. She was a doctor now and had learned how to distance herself. Her voice sounded modulated, professional. The funeral would be the day after tomorrow. In Amagansett. Only family and a few friends. Lio had specifically asked that I be there. Would I come?
“Of course,” I replied, my heart heavy, sadness seeping through my bones like water in a sinking ship. I then added, “I’m sorry.”
“I know. Thank you. If it’s any comfort, there was plenty of morphine. He died peacefully.”
I hung up and stared out the window at the bright blue summer sky forty stories above the sidewalk. I had been expecting this news, but that made it no less tragic. My eyes welled with tears, and for a moment I wept for my friend.
I called Kate to tell her the news. “Oh God, that’s awful. I’m so sorry,” she said.
“The funeral’s on Thursday.”
“Do you want me to come?”
“It’s going to be small. I think I’m one of the only nonfamily members invited.”
“So maybe I shouldn’t come. It would be an imposition?”
“Maybe. Do you mind?”
“Of course not. I understand.”
Early Thursday morning, I drove Kate’s Bug out to Amagansett. It was a fine summer day, hot but not humid. Traffic moved relatively easily, and I made good time. I got there early so I just drove around. My father would be at the house, but I didn’t go to see him. I didn’t know if he would be at the funeral or not. I would have been surprised to see him. Funerals had always depressed him.
At eleven I drove up to the big house. Some cars were already there. I recognized Cesca’s red BMW. Some others. A blue Mercedes coupe that for some reason I thought might be Roger’s. There was no sign of my father’s car. Around the back, I saw a white van with the name of a local catering company painted on the side. A man and a woman in wh
ite shirts and black pants were carrying trays into the kitchen.
I couldn’t help thinking of Izzy’s memorial. That had been the celebration of a long life. There was nothing to celebrate about a short life. Death had come too soon for Lio. There were too many people left who would miss him.
I knocked on the door and entered without waiting for anyone to answer. It had been years since I had last been here. Kitty had redecorated since moving in after the deaths of her parents. The interior had been modernized, lightened. The living room ceiling had been extended through the bedrooms above to form a large atrium. Now, with curtains drawn, it was sunless and quiet as a church. Lining the walls were Aurelio’s paintings, both old and new, some hung on the walls, others on stands, still more simply tilted up. The first person I saw was Roger sitting in a chair. He looked pale and agitated.
“Uncle Roger,” I said, feeling like an intruder. “It’s Wylie. I’m so sorry.”
“Wylie,” he said, looking up, his normal ebullience dimmed. “Come in, come in. Terrible. Just terrible. What a waste. What a loss. Unbelievable. That beautiful boy.” He shook his head.
“Carmen called and told me that Lio wanted me here today. I hope that it’s still all right that I’m here.”
“Of course. Of course. Everyone will be along soon. Just taking a bit longer than usual. It’s been a terrible couple of days.” He stopped speaking and looked out the window. Then he seemed to remember I was in the room. “Can I get you anything? A drink maybe?”
“No thank you. Please don’t trouble yourself. I’ll wait outside.”
I stepped through the sliding doors onto the deck. There was no one else out there, and I breathed more easily. The sun sparkled on the sound, and I was warm in my jacket and tie. I was standing there staring out at the water, my hands in my pockets, when I heard the door slide open behind me. I turned and saw Cesca. Without saying anything, she walked up and embraced me. I had held her so many times, but never like this. She stood there and sobbed for several minutes, her arms around my neck while I stroked her hair.
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