by Sumia Sukkar
‘Maha! Maha!’
Only he doesn’t know who she is. Yasmine hugs him and doesn’t say anything. He touches her bald head and starts swearing and then thanking God that she is home safe. We are one family again. Only without Isa.
‘What happened to you Khalid?’
‘Don’t worry about me, are you okay?’
‘I’m okay now…’
We all sit in the sitting room and Tariq lights up the fireplace. We have water from the rain that Tariq warms up.
‘How have you been Adam?’ Yasmine turns to me. I am happy she asked about me first. I am still in shock that she is home. I have never been this happy in my life. Her face looks pale and thin and her body doesn’t look red any more, she looks purple. Dark purple but her eyes are still red.
‘I’m okay thank you Yasmine.’
‘You haven’t changed one bit,’ she says as she ruffles my hair. She smiles so wide I can nearly see all of her teeth.
I don’t know why she keeps on saying that, am I meant to change?
‘The family is all together again at last,’ Tariq says as he comes and sits next to me.
‘Are you happy as well Tariq?’
‘Happy? I am flying from happiness!’
I get up and start jumping up and down. I can’t hold back my happiness and everyone starts laughing at me. The sound of laughter sounds like honey melting in my ears. If I had wings, I would fly around now.
‘Yasmine will your hair grow back?’
‘Ahh I missed your questions! Of course it will, don’t worry Habibi, I’ll be back to normal in no time.’
‘Were you sad when you were away? Where did you go?’
Yasmine’s eyes change but she doesn’t pause to think about an answer.
‘Very, but I am happy now.’
‘I have a cat Yasmine. Her name is Liquorice.’
‘Really? Where did you get her from?’
‘I found her outside our door.’
‘How do you know she’s not anybody else’s?
I didn’t think about that, but I didn’t see anyone looking for a missing cat.
‘I don’t know Yasmine, but she was really thin so I wanted to feed her.’
‘Good boy. Where’s Amira and Ali?’
‘Ali is always sleeping in the room. He is hardly ever awake, and Amira is always cleaning and putting on make-up.’
‘Go call them to come Habibi. I want to see them.’
‘But I don’t want to leave you Yasmine.’
‘I promise I’ll still be here when you come back.’
I start to walk then look back at Yasmine.
‘I promise. I promised to come back and I did.’
‘I waited every day for you at the shop where you left until we couldn’t go out any more because it wasn’t safe.’
‘I’m here now Habibi, go call them…’
I keep looking back making sure she doesn’t disappear.
I quickly knock on the room Amira and Ali sleep in and open the door. They are sleeping, just like I said. I don’t want to go in and lose sight of Yasmine but she wants me to wake them up and I don’t want to upset her. I run inside and shake them a little.
‘Yasmine is here! Yasmine is here! Quick!’
Amira jumps up but Ali opens his eyes slowly and then closes them.
‘Quick Ali! Before Yasmine leaves!’
‘Why is she leaving?’
‘I don’t know, I just don’t want her to leave again!’ ‘Okay, go Adam, I’ll wake Ali up and come.’
‘Quick!’
I run out and look at the spot Yasmine was sitting in and find her there. I breathe out slowly and quickly walk to her.
‘Do we have enough water for me to wash?’
‘Mmm…’ Khalid stumbles for an answer. I don’t know if we do so I don’t say anything.
‘Yes we have enough, you can use the water I’m warming up now.’ Tariq says.
‘Thank you, I’ll take a bath then.’
‘I’ll put the water into the bathtub when it’s ready.’
‘Enta Malak!’
‘Am I an angel too Yasmine?’
‘Of course you are!’ she laughs and I smile and lie back on the sofa.
Baba was right when he said that after he dreamed of her she would come back.
Ali and Amira come out as Yasmine is walking towards her room. They both hug her and kiss her then at the same time stare at her head.
‘I’m pregnant Yasmine!’
‘What? Really! Wow!’
‘I can’t wait!’
‘How long has it been?’
‘I have no idea, but it feels long.’
I wonder if Yasmine believes Amira because her voice sounds different.
‘I’m going to call him Khalid.’
‘Aren’t you a lucky one?’ Yasmine looks back at Khalid.
Khalid winks at her. I love it when we are all together. That’s all I can think about. Yasmine is finally back! I have someone to talk to!
Yasmine goes into her room and Tariq pours some more water to warm up. Amira and Ali come to sit in the sitting room and start talking. Their voices now sound the same. Like they’re one person. I don’t know why.
I sit outside Yasmine’s room and wait for her to come out.
I wait for so long for Yasmine to come out and start getting bored. Why isn’t she coming out? I want her to take a bath quickly and come and see my paintings.
‘Yasmine, when are you coming out?’
‘Why Adam?’
‘The water is ready and then I want to show you my paintings.’
‘Okay Adam I’m coming.’
‘What are you doing?’
‘I told you I’m coming Habibi.’
I don’t say anything else and just wait for her. I start counting silently, once I get to 57 she comes out and smiles.
‘I’ll see your paintings in a bit Habibi, I am going to have a bath.’
‘Don’t take long Yasmine.’
‘I won’t.’
I go to my room and lie down on my bed and call for Liquorice around the room. I don’t see her around and look under the bed. She loves hiding there. I lean down and snap my fingers for her to come out. She comes out and I pull her up.
‘Yasmine is back Liquorice! You haven’t met her before but she’s really nice. She’s my favourite person in the world! Are you excited to meet her?’
Liquorice licks her paws. She is so cute. I like the warm feeling with her on my belly. When she purrs my stomach vibrates and it tickles me. It feels funny.
I close my eyes for a bit to rest until Yasmine comes out of the bathroom and wake up to a scream. It seems like that’s my daily alarm now. What could it be? Is Yasmine being taken away again? I will not let it happen again!
I come out of my room and follow the scream. It is coming out of the bathroom.
‘What is wrong Yasmine?’ I shout.
‘It’s not me,’ Yasmine says as she comes up behind me. I sigh deeply. I am glad it’s not Yasmine.
‘It’s Amira,’ Yasmine says.
I knock on the door three times but she continues to scream and doesn’t say anything.
‘Let’s just go in!’ Yasmine says. I move back because I can’t go into the bathroom without being told to come in.
‘Move, I’ll open the door!’ Yasmine opens it and I stand behind her.
Amira is sitting on the floor with blood on her hands and her thighs. Why is she bleeding? Did she scratch herself?
Yasmine covers her mouth in shock like she knows what is going on.
‘Khalid Habibi! Khalid!’ Amira screams and hits her face with her hands. The blood spreads on her face.
‘Yasmine, why is she calling Khalid Habibi?’
‘Quickly go get me some of the towels in my cupboard!’
‘What is happening Yasmine?’
‘I said quick!’
I run out of the bathroom and to Yasmine’s room. When I get back Yasmine is holdi
ng Amira’s head on her chest and Amira is crying and shouting. Yasmine grabs the towels from my hand and tells me to get out and lock the door. I want to know what’s going on but I’m scared Yasmine is going to shout at me again. Ali comes up and asks me what’s wrong. I tell him what I saw and he sits down on the ground outside the bathroom. What does he know that I don’t?
‘What does that mean Ali?’
‘It means she lost her baby.’
‘How? So she was actually pregnant? But she wasn’t fat.’
‘You don’t know how people lose babies?’
‘No…’
Ali explains everything to me but I’m still confused. So she had a baby and didn’t at the same time? I didn’t know babies could die in people’s stomachs. I don’t even know how she knew she was pregnant as she was still skinny. All of this is confusing and making my head hurt. I knock on the door three times and Amira shouts so we just wait outside. Doesn’t she need to go to the hospital? What if she dies from bleeding too much? Yasmine is a nurse so she should know what to do, I think.
Ali and I sit outside for ages biting on our nails. I am so hungry and the dirt on my nails has a salty flavour so I keep on eating it to satisfy myself. I wonder if anybody else does it. I look over at Ali but he isn’t doing the same thing. He is just looking into the distance. Yasmine at last opens the door holding Amira who is sweating.
‘Yasmine, we have honey.’
‘Where?’
‘Behind the toilet.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Go get it for me. And Ali go call Tariq.’
We both quickly move and Tariq comes and asks what’s going on. It doesn’t look like Amira can hear us any more. Her eyes are still open but they look white, like she isn’t even with us. I want to tell Yasmine that Amira looks really sick and she needs to go to the hospital but whenever I start saying something Khalid or Yasmine interrupt and speak to each other.
‘Can’t you do something here? The hospitals are really busy! It’s risky Yasmine.’
‘Just carry her and let’s go, we are wasting time, I did all I can but she’s still bleeding. I think she is in too much shock.’
‘Okay!’
Tariq carries Amira over his shoulder slowly and Yasmine runs to her room and comes back wearing a scarf. I follow them out.
‘Adam stay home.’
‘I want to come Yasmine, I don’t want to stay alone.’
Yasmine puffs in and out deeply and holds my hand.
We walk fast to the hospital. It’s not that far. When we get there memories from Isa’s day rush into my mind and hit me like a hammer on the head. I can see birds flying around my head like in cartoons.
No matter where we go in this city there are always screams and pools of blood on every corner. Every person’s blood is a different colour. I stare at a woman whose leg is chopped off who is being carried by a man. The blood dripping from her leg is red with yellow dots. It looks so disgusting but when we pass her the smell isn’t that strong.
Yasmine hates it when I stare at people and she pinches me to stop staring. It hurts. I look down and try not to look around or then I’ll stare. When we get inside Yasmine speaks to a woman running around in a white coat and she tells us to follow her.
‘There are many people injured, I don’t know what we can do for your cousin.’
‘Please, she just lost her baby, you should know how shocked she is.’
‘Other people have been losing their limbs and eyes and ears.’
‘Please doctor.’
‘Bring her in,’ she sighs.
We follow the doctor inside but she tells us to wait outside, only Yasmine is allowed to go in.
Tariq pulls me back and we stand against the wall and wait. People are constantly running around the hospital carrying people or pushing them in wheelchairs.
There is a family of five being pushed in a metal bed with wheels at the bottom. They only covered their bodies and their heads are out. The two boys look like the father and the girl looks like her mother. They have stickers on their foreheads with numbers ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5.’ They look alive, their eyes are closed but their faces look healthy. I think they have just died now. They all have smiles on their faces. It can’t be. I close my eyes and open them again quickly before they pass by me and their smiles are still there. Maybe they’re happy to die. They died all together, they don’t have to miss each other.
‘Why do they have numbers on their foreheads Tariq?’
‘The hospital is overcrowded, they need to keep track.’
‘Does it happen in every war?’
‘I don’t know Habibi.’
Everything seems so different here even though it’s just down the road from us. There are boys that look younger than me running around with a white doctor’s coat on. How does that make sense? I am sure they are young and not just short.
‘Tariq, did you see that?’ I look at him and point at the young boy pushing an old man in a wheelchair who is bleeding from his right eye.
‘They need people, doctors die every day.’
‘How do they know what to do?’
‘They learn quickly!’
‘Can I do it Tariq?’
‘NO!’
I look around and don’t say another word. Does Tariq like me? He doesn’t let me do anything. Why are other kids helping out but I can’t? I don’t know how to do anything but if they can learn then I can too. But I don’t want to be a doctor anyway I want to be a painter.
Yasmine comes out holding onto Amira. Tariq runs to her and carries her on his back. Nobody says anything and we slowly walk out. Everyone’s eyes are on us as we walk through blood and tears.
Amira doesn’t even look like she is breathing. She is limp on Tariq’s back. I try to stare at her closely to see if she is breathing. I think I can see her back move up and down slightly but I can’t really tell.
‘Is Amira okay?’
Yes Adam, don’t worry.’
‘Is she breathing?’
‘Yes, where did you get the honey from?’
‘It’s Amira’s, she said it was for her baby.’
Yasmine doesn’t reply so I look at her. Her face looks like a puzzle, it’s scrunched up and her tears are rolling down through the creases trying to find a way to a smooth surface. It looks like a pinball game. She wipes her tears and looks at me.
‘Why are you crying Yasmine?’
‘For life…’
‘What does that mean?’
‘You always know how to make me stop crying,’ she says as she laughs.
‘Why Yasmine? Why are you crying for life?’
‘Because there’s no feeling like losing a child.’
‘I didn’t know she was pregnant Yasmine. I thought she was just saying it.’
‘She really was Habibi.’
She wipes her tears again and tells me to run to the door and open it so they can follow. We are not home yet but close enough for me to run and have some fun. I run fast and feel the air hit my face over and over again. It’s like someone is slapping me. I like the feeling, it’s waking me up.
I open the door and go inside. I keep it open for them and look for Ali. He is still sitting outside the bathroom in the same position. Why has Ali changed so much? He is no fun any more. At least I have Liquorice now.
Tariq lies Amira down and she starts whispering Khalid’s name and crying.
‘Let’s leave her to rest a bit.’
‘Yasmine do you want to see my paintings now?’
‘Okay, come on, let’s have a look.’
I am so excited to show Yasmine my paintings. I skip to my room and start whistling. I wonder why when someone’s happy they whistle, skip, jump or move around. I have never seen a happy person just sit in the same place and not do anything. It’s like happiness is something we need to shake out of our system straightaway by doing something. I sound clever in my mind but I wonder if I would sound as good if I said it out loud.
I start showing Yasmine my paintings from when she left but she doesn’t say anything and keeps her eyes on the painting on the canvas.
‘Is that blood Adam?’ Yasmine points and her fingers are shaking.
‘Yes, does it look good?’
‘Where did you get it from?’ Her voice is cold. Ice cubes come out of her mouth. It makes me shiver.
‘From outside Yasmine.’
‘You’re gathering other people’s blood Adam? Are you crazy?’ She shouts really loud: so loud that I have to cover my ears before the ice goes into them.
‘Adam! Are you crazy?’ Yasmine pulls her hand up and before I can pull my hands down from my ears she slaps my cheek very hard. I hear the sound of her hand on my face echo. My whole body suddenly turns purple and for the first time I feel the way I see Yasmine. Bruised. My mind is like a war zone. I hear bombs go off and see explosions. I move back and fall to the ground and rock myself violently waiting for the war to stop. I HATE WARS. I start crying. The more I cry the quieter the war zone gets. The bombings and explosions lessen and then disappear. I look up and can see Yasmine’s mouth moving through my tears. Even though my mind has calmed down I still block out her voice. She puts her hand on my arm and I move back quickly. I don’t want her to touch me. I don’t know what to do with myself. My mind is shutting down on me. I’m desperate for an answer, for something to make me come back to reality. I am losing the battle. I can feel my eyesight dimming and my heart beating faster. My tears are hot on my face. So hot. It feels like my head is being dipped into hot water. Liquorice comes and rubs her fur on my leg. I can’t hear her purring but I know she is. Can she feel that I am upset? I want to run away. The pain on my cheek is stinging me. I can feel the shape of Yasmine’s hand. It has made an outline of pain. Liquorice starts walking away and I crawl after her slowly, I don’t want her to leave me, I don’t want to be left alone with Yasmine.
I run after Liquorice and can hear Yasmine calling out to me. I don’t want to answer though. The front door is open and Liquorice runs out.
‘No Liquorice! Come back!’
Yasmine says my name. Is Liquorice ignoring me like I am ignoring Yasmine? But I didn’t do anything wrong to her. I run after Liquorice and don’t look back. I don’t know if Yasmine is following me or not. I run so fast.
Liquorice hasn’t stopped running. It’s like she wants to get away from everything. I run after her and try to forget what happened. I would have had nowhere to go if Liquorice hadn’t run out. I am thankful to her.