by Sumia Sukkar
‘Yasmine are we really close?’
‘Really close…’
‘Yes! I am happy Yasmine.’
Yasmine smiles but it doesn’t spread across her face. I don’t want to rest in this town, I want to go straight to Damascus, I am really excited.
‘Are we going to stop again?’
‘Not in this town, the next one.’
‘Do we have to stop? Can we go to Damascus straightaway?’
‘Everyone will be tired by the time we get there.’
‘Did you hear that Ali?’ I run to him ‘We are going to be in Damascus tomorrow!’
‘I can’t wait!’
‘Neither can I! Do you think we can stay there forever and never see the war again?’
‘I don’t know, I hope so.’
Ali doesn’t speak like 16 any more. He used to laugh and run around at school and everybody used to want to speak to him. People used to call him cool. I don’t know how that makes sense. Cool means he was icy but I didn’t see him as icy, I saw him as fun and I wanted to be his friend. I put my hand in my pocket and feel the ear in there. I want to pull it out and speak to it about how excited I am but I am scared that someone will see it and take it off me. I don’t know whose ear it is but imagine if they can actually hear everything I am telling them but they don’t know where the voice is coming from? I laugh to myself then look around to see if anyone noticed. I hear beeping coming from a car behind us. We move out of the way but the car doesn’t stop beeping.
‘Want a ride?’ a man shouts sticking his head out of the window. The car looks small. I don’t know how we are all going to fit in there.
‘We’re fine thanks,’ Yasmine says as she waves her hand and walks on. Why is she saying no? I want to get into the car.
‘Why Yasmine?’
‘We can’t get into a stranger’s car!’
Yasmine’s right but I hate walking now. It’s so boring and no one is talking.
‘When is Tariq coming back?’
‘Soon…’ Yasmine doesn’t even look at me. How does she know he’s coming back soon?
The car beeps again and comes closer this time. I notice Yasmine’s shoulders sloping and her neck looks like it is about to break off. It’s like she is holding an invisible heavy child on her shoulders. Baba used to carry me on his shoulders when I was four years old. I remember that clearly, I was flapping my hands up and down and I wanted to speak but I couldn’t.
‘Get in the car, we are heading down.’
‘No thank you,’ I tell them.
‘I said get in!’
Khalid turns around and tells them to leave us alone. They laugh at Khalid and stop the car. Two men come out and smile while walking towards us. What do they want? I have no money to give them like in the movies.
‘You don’t want to get in?’
None of us answer.
‘Oh come on! We’re joking, we’re not going to fight!’ They start laughing and slapping their hands together in a high five. Their chests suddenly sink in and they look skinny. They don’t look scary any more. What do they want?
‘Come on! Did you not recognise me Khalid? I recognised you just from your walk from behind.’
‘Do I know you?’
‘Seriously? You haven’t changed! Apart from… Anyway it’s Walid!’ The man speaking looks down at Khalid’s hands and this makes me angry. I don’t want them to bully my brother the way people bullied me at school. I’m not going to use my anger on them because mama said I should never fight.
‘Walid? Seriously?’ Khalid has a huge smile on his face now.
‘Yes!’ Walid comes towards Khalid and gives him a hug. I hear their chests slap together. It is a big hug.
‘How have you been man?’
‘Come, I’ll tell you in the car.’
Khalid tells us to all get into the car even though I don’t see much space.
‘Give me that box, I’ll put it in the back,’ one of Khalid’s friends says. I don’t want to give him my paintings. I look at Khalid and try to send him messages without saying anything.
‘Come on Adam…’
‘Can I hold it?’
‘There’s no space.’
I hold tighter onto my box and stomp my feet, I don’t want to give it to them.
‘How about you put it in the back yourself?’ Khalid asks me.
I can do that because then I’ll know where I put it and can take it out later.
I walk to the boot and put my box in the right corner.
Yasmine, Ali and Khalid and I are squashed in the back of the car. Liquorice is with us too. I feel like they’re stealing the air I’m breathing. I breathe in and out deeply so I don’t suffocate.
‘Stop doing that,’ Yasmine whispers to me and pinches my leg.
‘I can’t breathe.’
‘Yes you can.’
I want to tell her again that I can’t breathe but she’ll just get angry.
The two men start talking to Khalid about things I don’t understand.
‘We’ve been having meetings without you, we were wondering where you had gone.’
‘Our house got bombed…’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. We are brothers, you could have come to us.’
Khalid doesn’t say anything.
‘Where are you headed then?’
‘Damascus,’ Khalid replies.
‘Ah of course, everyone is trying to get there.’
‘You going there?’
‘No, but we won’t drop you too far from there. We can’t go there with all this ammunition.
‘What does ammunition mean?’ I ask Yasmine. She elbows me on the side of my stomach and tells me to stay quiet.
One of the men looks back at me after I ask the question and smiles. I don’t like him. He looks like he is hiding something behind his eyes.
It feels like the car is going to break down any minute. We have been driving down a straight road for so long I didn’t even know if we were really moving any more until I felt the bumps on the road. Every now and then it sounds like the bottom of the car is scratching the ground. It makes a horrible sound, which makes my teeth feel sensitive. I hate it. One of the guys puts the radio on and there’s a song on that I love. I always want to clap my hands and jump up and down whenever I hear it. I start smiling and clapping my hands. I can’t jump up and down in here though because there’s no space.
‘Turn it down, I’m trying to sleep,’ the other guy says.
I can hardly hear anything anyway so I stop clapping. I continue the song in my mind though.
‘What about this intervention crap? What do you think of it?’ Khalid’s friend asks him.
‘Mmm, I don’t know, I don’t talk about politics any more.’
‘Why? That’s ridiculous, that’s all people talk about nowadays!’
‘Has anybody from your family died?’
‘No, thank God they’re all in hiding.’
‘That’s why you’re still interested in politics and I’m not.’
‘Come on, don’t take everything to heart, we’ll get our country back. We’ve got a plan, I tell you!’
‘What’s the plan? Are we all going to die by the end of it? Is this what our country deserves?’
‘You’ve changed so much.’
‘I’ve opened my eyes, I don’t want to fight anyone any more, I just want my family and I to live peacefully…’
‘Do you have anyone is Damascus? Because they won’t let you go in otherwise.’
‘Yes, we have family.’
‘Well I hope you get what you want. I just don’t see things turning out well so we need to fight. They will keep on killing us otherwise!’
‘Since when do we kill family and say otherwise they’ll kill us?’
‘I don’t even trust my own family.’
‘Well that’s why your eyes won’t open.’
‘The army won’t stop killing us, if we don’t fight back we will all be the meat i
n their soup.’
Khalid doesn’t reply and I think about what he means by meat in their soup. Will they eat us?
Yasmine is sleeping so I close my eyes to sleep too. I have nothing else to do.
*
‘Are we going to sleep here?’
‘It’s dark, we can’t walk now.’
We are very close to Damascus. I can see the lights in the distance now. I am so excited. I can’t wait. We are going to be safe at last. Liquorice looks pink with happiness too.
‘Is Tariq coming?’
‘Yes Habibi,’ says Yasmine.
‘Where is he?’
Yasmine pulls me closer to her and plays with my hair.
‘Look Yasmine, I can see a TV through the window!’
We stop outside the window and look in. I miss watching TV. There’s a group of soldiers that each put a hand to their head and start marching and singing.
‘What do you think they’re singing Ali?’
‘The national anthem, that’s what it looks like.’
‘Really? Let’s sing!’
Ali and I walk towards the window and start singing our national anthem like we used to at school and watch the TV with the soldiers marching and then it changes into kids like us singing. I look over at Yasmine and she has her eyes closed and there are tears coming down her face. I stop singing to go and see what’s wrong but she opens her eyes and tells me to carry on so I do. I feel my heart open up and my throat tighten. I can feel tears building up. I clear my throat and carry on singing then Ali and I bang one foot down at the same time at the end. We look at each other and laugh. I wipe away the tear coming down and run to Yasmine.
‘Did you like it Yasmine?’
‘I loved it!’
‘Why are you crying?’
‘Because the last time I sang that national anthem I was so proud.’
‘The last time I sang it was at school Yasmine.’
‘Yes I know Habibi.’
‘I don’t think I can sleep tonight, I am so excited!’
‘Me too Habibi, I can’t wait for us to be safe again.’
‘Shall we set out tents here?’
‘Let’s walk a little into the centre.’
Khalid walks in front of us because he can’t carry anything and is looking for a place for us to rest for the night. There’s an old woman sitting down and crying on the side of the road. Her thick glasses make her tears look huge.
‘Why is she crying?’
‘I don’t know everything Habibi.’
Khalid stops and we start setting up our tents. I try to set mine up as quickly as I can so I can run around and have fun.
I am tired now. I said I wouldn’t sleep but I have run around a lot so I am tired. I pick some rocks so I can paint on them.
‘I found some friends, come play with us Adam,’ Ali calls out to me.
I have just run around and I don’t want to meet new people so I look away and take my painting kit out.
‘He’s weird,’ one of the girls says. Ali doesn’t reply.
‘Do you want to come with us to school tomorrow Ali?’ someone asks him.
‘Sure! Can I bring my friend with me?’
‘The one painting on something weird?’
‘He’s painting on a rock.’
‘Why? I knew he was weird!’
‘He’s not, he just likes painting!’
‘Whatever, bring him if you want.’
They all run and play. I like Ali. No one has ever defended me when people called me weird before.
‘Yasmine can you please open your tent?’
‘Why?’
‘Because I am scared of being alone.’
‘Where’s Khalid?’
‘In his tent as well.’
Yasmine opens her tent and sits up and prays on beads. I haven’t seen them in ages. Where was she hiding them? Baba used to always use them to praise God. I wish I hadn’t remembered Baba because now I don’t feel happy. I want to paint Aleppo the way it looked before we left.
‘What are you painting?’
‘Aleppo.’
‘Really?’
‘The way I saw it when we were walking out.’
‘It wasn’t pretty!’
‘I don’t paint pretty things Yasmine.’
Yasmine laughs and Ali comes running back.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to play with us? We are playing hide-and-seek!’
‘I am sitting with Yasmine.’
‘If I stay here do you want to play with me?’
‘Okay then, I can paint after we play.’
‘What do you want to play?’
‘Do you want to play the countries game?’
‘Sure. Do you want to join us Yasmine?’ Ali asks.
‘Why not!’
We start playing and then I hear a weird hissing sound that I recognise from cartoons.
‘Can you hear that?’ I ask.
‘I can!’ Ali says and puts his hand behind his ear to try to listen out.
‘It sounds familiar.’
Yasmine says that at the same time as there is a loud bang and then suddenly I can’t even see in front of me any more. There is a thick cloud of smoke and I want to yell out for Yasmine but I can’t breathe. I cough and cough trying to find some air to breathe but I can’t. I close my eyes and try to scream but I just cough instead. My chest feels like it’s filled with smoke. I feel a hand on me and open my eyes to see Yasmine. I want to smile but I cough out some more and see blood on my hands. I move away from Yasmine and start coughing even more and shaking. I can’t stop shaking. I fall to the ground and Yasmine falls after me. I don’t know if she is shaking too. My eyes start to close and I can’t open them. My breathing is deep and I am forcing myself to breathe in and out. I want to tell Yasmine the answer to the country she was stuck on but I feel myself going to sleep. I hear Yasmine’s voice and even though her face is close to mine her voice seems so far away. Yasmine speak louder. Yasmine I’m just going to sleep for a bit but when I wake up I’ll finish my painting and call it ‘The Boy From Aleppo Who Painted the War’. I know you’ll like this one Yasmine. I feel a warm river of blood flow through my nose. It makes me even sleepier so I sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Two
CLOUDY WHITE
I OPEN MY EYES to blurred lines. I feel like I have been dreaming my whole life. I rub my eyes but I see the same thing: blurs. I touch the air in front of me to make sure nothing is there. My eyes hurt and my head pounds like an elephant is knocking on my brain. What is happening?
‘Yasmine…’ I whisper. I clear my throat and try to speak louder but it’s still a whisper. I have lost my voice. My head starts to get dizzy and I quickly lean down and start vomiting. My vision starts to clear up a little and I remember Baba telling me to see with my vision and not my eyes so I try to think about his voice so I can feel better. I see people lying around, almost as if everyone just decided to go to sleep. Some roll on the ground and are whispering things I can’t hear. They look like cockroaches after being sprayed with poison. I look around and find Yasmine to my right. I crawl to her and put my ear to her chest. I can’t feel anything. I can hear a low rumbling sound like she is trying to breathe but she can’t. I don’t even know if it’s coming from her or someone else. I’m in so much pain. I can barely move and everything hurts. I cry while trying to move. I just want this to end.
‘Yasmine! Yasmine!’ I bang on her chest and shake her. She moves to my shaking but she doesn’t open her eyes or respond. I don’t have any strength to shake her any harder so I keep doing it the same way.
‘Yasmine, please wake up!’
I start crying and with my tears and limited vision I can’t even see Yasmine’s face any more. I repeat Yasmine’s name and shake her until my hands hurt me and I cry loudly. I keep trying until I start coughing painfully, I can hear the pain in my own tears but I can’t speak loud enough for Yasmine to hear it. I put my head on her chest and then get up and g
rab her clothes in my hands and punch her chest. Yasmine please don’t die. Yasmine we are so close. We can see Damascus from here. The same feeling that made me sleepy starts coming down my nose again. I lift my head up and touch it. The warm thick texture brings back too many memories that I can’t put together. They are scattered all over my brain and it feels like I have electricity burning away in my mind.
‘Yasmine! Breathe!’ I shout with everything in me and hit her chest as hard as I can. I feel something but I am not sure if I am right. I hit her again as hard as I can and hear her trying to gasp for air. Yes! Yes Yasmine! Breathe. I remember seeing this on TV but I don’t know what I’m doing, that doesn’t matter now, nothing matters, just come back Yasmine! She gasps again and I wipe my tears and close my eyes. I have to do this. I have to do this. I hold my breath and hold Yasmine’s face in my hands. She can’t leave me. She is my only sister and she looks like mama. I put her head on my lap and open her mouth. I close my eyes really tight again and ignore the colours leaping into my mind and the images that make my heart shake. I put my mouth onto Yasmine’s and hold my breath tighter before fear comes leaping onto me. I blow and blow and blow into Yasmine’s mouth and for a minute let go of all the colours and images that have always held me back.