"And yet, she tried to steal Dustin from you, poisoned him with succubus magic so it'd seem he was addicted, and tried to have y'all killed," Shane called out from the front seat. "Sug, I know it's hard but sometimes, people just aren't what they seem." I could see his mouth pinching, just like Dustin's, in the rearview mirror. I wondered if he was thinking about Gemma? I hoped so. Their childhood friend had certainly blossomed into a peach—a rotten one with like, maggots and shit.
"I don't know if I can accept it," I said as I finished washing my face off … and went for my armpits. Whatever, the guys could get over it. Sure, it wasn't the sexiest thing in the world to give oneself a whore's bath—that's what Mummy used to call them—right before copulation, but it was better than yucky pits sooooo … Sorry but not sorry for being practical. "Siobhan must’ve been … like coerced or magicked or blackmailed or something," I said, thinking of her face when she talked about rescuing Dustin.
She cared about him. A lot.
My throat got tight as I shoved the wipes back in the bag and grabbed some deodorant. Maybe if I stopped wearing the aluminum-free hippy shit, I'd smell better? But … inferior perspiration protection … or Alzheimer's? I mean, the choice is obvs.
"Well?" I asked Dustin as he continued to stare at me, and I switched out the deodorant for one of Britt's nine million three hundred and twelve makeup bags. She'd sent me with 'the essentials', i.e. ten times more makeup than I'd ever use in my life. "Do you?"
"Do I what?" he growled back at me, and I raised an eyebrow.
"Do you think she's evil?"
"How the bleeding feck should I know?!" he asked as he reached out and snatched the makeup bag from my fingers. "And you don't need any of that shite; I like you the way you are."
"Seriously?!" I choked out, and one would think I wouldn't mind being screamed at for being beautiful as-is, but … "Give me my makeup back!" I reached over the seat and tried to rip it from his hands. It was like trying to tear it from the jaws of a crocodile. Fuck, that man was strong! "Dustin MacKenna-Smoke, give me my makeup."
"I do'na think she's evil," he said, releasing the bag at just the right moment to send me sprawling backwards into George and Reg again. Dickhead. But I also kind of liked his teasing nature. "I don't have a goddamn clue what she's up to, but …"
"Now who's being blinded by their ex?" Billy mumbled, and my eyes shot up and aimed lasers at his head through the back of the seat rest.
"Ex?" I echoed, shedding my panties as Reg raised his blonde brows. I put on some fresh, silky red ones, nice and scandalous. And then I wondered why I was putting panties on. Oh, that's right. To call Britt. That could girl sense a breeze in the nether regions of anyone she saw or spoke to—even over the phone. If I went without knickers, she'd sense it, and I was getting enough teasing from Dustin already. "I thought you said you'd never dated Gemma," I snarled, and Billy turned slowly in his seat to look at me, the sun catching in his charcoal hair and glimmering silver.
"We didn't date her, I was just saying—"
"Bro, foot in mouth, coming all the way out of ass," Warden warned as my nostrils flared and I tapped him on the shoulder for my purse. He handed it back as I narrowed my eyes.
"If I find out you guys dated Gemma and y'all are lying to me, I'll fucking tear your balls off," I promised as I dialed Britt and waited for her to squeal in my ear. Just to be safe, I held the phone a few inches away from my face.
"Giiiiiiiirl!" she squealed and I cringed. Wow. I should've held it a few feet away. "Video chat me. I want to see that married face of yours!"
"Not a snowball's chance in fuck," I said, borrowing a page from Warden's book of weird swearing. "I look like hell."
"Don't be ridiculous," Britt snorted as I heard a man's deep rumbling voice in the background. Wait. Two voices. Uhhh, what? "You're on your honeymoon with your hubbies, I'm sure you look perfect."
Grabbing a compact from my bag, I snapped it open and stared at my face in the mirror.
Uh.
No.
Closing it back up, I leaned into George's arm and closed my eyes against his primal scent. He smelled like fertile male to me, which sounds kind of gross but totally isn't. Wet earth and leaves, fresh spring shoots, flowers, and underneath, this muskiness that made me bite my lip in pleasure.
"Why are there two men mumbling in the background?" I asked, and I swear, I heard Britt smile. I know that seems weird, but you don't know her like I do. If you did, you'd understand.
"You know how I mentioned Aldrich’s beta, Ragnor?"
"Yes?" I hedged, already fully aware of where this was going.
"Well … we're fucking! Isn't that great? You know one man could never satisfy me." I could just imagine her flicking a mane of dark hair over one shoulder. "So, how is wedded bliss thus far?"
"Dustin and I joined the Mile High Club, but got caught and he basically announced to the entire plane that I both needed a catheter and an adult diaper, my face is melting and I smell like an old washrag … oh, and Gemma and Joan showed up on the same planes as us," I continued, strongly emphasizing the S there so Britt would know for sure it was no coincidence. "And now I'm pretty sure they're stalking us."
"Are you …" she started, and I knew she was about this close to exploding in a violent wolfy rage. "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" she roared, and I cringed again. "That's it—I'm getting on a plane and going Up Under to the Motherland!"
"First off, it's Down Under and second, this is not the Motherland—that is England."
"Do I need to get pesos in advance or can I use my debit card?"
"Britt," I started, but then the phone was dead and I realized she'd hung up on me. "Aw crap," I groaned, hoping her new boyfriends talked her out of this. After a few phone calls that rolled straight to voicemail, I knew she wasn't about to answer me. I texted her and told her in no uncertain terms not to come when something … occurred to me.
"Gram?" I asked, and like magic, there she was, popping up between Dustin and Warden.
"Are you calling out to your dead grandma again?" Reg asked, and I sat up, elbowing him in the side. "Also, can you please explain the aw crap part of that conversation you just had with Britt?"
I held up a finger to shush him and stared at Gram in surprise.
"What? I was trying to keep quiet out of respect for your honeymoon, but you must've known I was still here?"
"I was sort of hoping the plane ride …" I trailed off as she turned sparkling green eyes around to mine and glared.
"Would get rid of me? No such luck, Mrs. … Goodness, what is your last name now?"
"Ms. Smoke," I murmured, and I swear, all six men turned to look at me. "Well, it is."
"Technically, a female elemental would keep the last name of her mother, but since you have, like, a lot of them, I'm not sure where you'd fall …" Reg hedged, but I was already shaking my head.
"My adopted parents are my parents, so Smoke it stays. You guys can keep whatever last names you want. I'm the progressive sort."
"Oh, for poo's sake, Arizona," Gram said, looking me up and down. "What about your children? What last name will they have?"
"Children?!" I shrieked, covering my uterus protectively with both hands.
"Oh, you want to start on children, honey?" George asked softly, and I swear, I almost puked.
"I'd rather eat that dead koala bear off the side of the road," I said, pointing.
"Firebug, that's a wallaby. I'm an American and even I know that. Babe, are you panicking?"
"Panicking?!” I choked out as everyone—including Shane in the rearview mirror—kept staring at me. "I'm not panicking, I'm just asserting the fact that I will not ever, ever, ever want children. Is that understood?"
"Aww," Warden said, winking at me playfully. "Just one? We'll all contribute."
"Contribute?" I whispered and he grinned.
"Yeah, all our sperm plus your egg, for one baby. Just one?"
"You guys are sick," I said, reaching
up to pull pins from my hair. Both George and Reg jumped in to help, and my poor rat's nest was free of metal in no time. "Kids are totally off the cards for the foreseeable future, are we clear? Now drop it. Oooh, Shane turn into that servo coming up on the left!"
Shane shot a quick confused look over his shoulder at me, but seemed to make no moves to slow down.
"The Caltex, Shane," I urged, "right there!"
He still looked confused as fuck and totally blew straight past it before I could explain that Caltex was a brand of gas station. Ugh, whatever, there would be another one soon enough.
"Duckie, I think you need to be more open to the idea of children," Grams sniffed, floating somewhere half on top of Warden.
"Grams, enough!" I snapped, glaring her down. "I will not entertain the notion of pushing a small human out of my …" I waved a hand around my crotch area, not totally comfortable saying cunt or pussy in front of my Grandma.
"Out of your hoo-ha?" Warden filled in for me and I cringed.
"Really, Warden?" I squinted at him through my Gram's ghost. "Hoo-ha? What are you, twelve?"
"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I wanted to do to your hoo-ha right now." Warden waggled his eyebrows at me which would have been a whole lot sexier if his hand didn't seem to be resting on my dead grandmother's ass.
"Uh, no." I shook my head. "Not until she gives us some privacy."
"You were the one that called me! And quite frankly, you need my advice—badly," my deceased but not departed relative scoffed. “Your attitude could do with a bit of an adjustment, Arizona, my girl. This is what happens when your mother lets you smoke pot as a teenager. No respect for elders, and simply dreadful hairstyles." She picked at a piece of my hairspray coated locks with her ghostly fingers.
"None of those things even remotely make sense, Grams," I exclaimed, feeling like I was ready to tear my hair out. "Okay, we're done here. Grams, please … dematerialize. Go back to wherever you go when you're not here."
"You can't just dismiss me like I'm some sort of naughty puppy who piddled on your rug!" Grams looked down her transparent nose at me and folded her hands in her lap. "No, I think I will stay right here, thank you. It's been years since I've seen Kate anyway."
I rolled my eyes, simply because Grams and my Mum—Kate—despised one another.
"Alright, stay. Suit yourself." I turned my attention from my ghostly ancestor to George sitting beside me. "George, honey? What was that thing you said earlier about being a hummingbird? It got me all fired up and now I want to hum on your bird."
George gave me a startled and confused look, flicking his eyes to where he guessed my Grams was sitting and then back to me.
"I mean," I clarified for him, "get your dick out. I want to suck it, right here, right now."
"Revolting," Grams spat. "Definitely your mother’s influence."
Whatever, it worked. The second George's hands reached for his pants, Grams disappeared from the car. Giving myself a mental high five, I grinned.
"Is she … gone?" Warden asked, waving his hands in front of him where she had been sitting a moment before.
"Yup, works every time. She's such a prude," I snickered and George looked at me in confusion.
"Wait so … does that mean don't get my dick out?" he puzzled, looking from me to Reg, Warden and Dustin then down at his crotch. "Because the idea of you sucking me off in a moving vehicle was kind of a turn-on, Blossom."
"Aye, and ye still need to consummate with all the other lads, too," Dustin offered with a helpful wink. "Come to t'ink of it, our quickie in the loo might not have done the trick. Best try again for good measure."
"Ah huh, sounds legit," I teased, but then again, why the hell was I arguing? Had I not just been thinking about how I wanted to reenact a cheap porno and pull over on the side of the road to let each of my six husbands fuck me?
Shane cleared his throat from the front seat, pulling our attention, and he met my gaze in the rearview mirror. "Honey bear, darlin', this really ain't fair now. How am I supposed to concentrate on driving if you're putting on a show back there?"
A wicked grin curved across my lips. "Well, you should’ve thought about that before you insisted on driving, don't you think?"
Shane groaned and let out a whimper, his eyes darting from the road to the mirror and back multiple times. I could see he was looking for a side street to pull over into, but I knew what he didn't. There were no side streets on this particular motorway. Not for a solid while yet, anyway.
"Go on then, George," I encouraged, giving him my very best sultry expression and batting my eyelashes. "Take your dick out."
"Are you okay?" He seemed genuinely concerned as he reached for my face rather than his belt like I'd been hoping for. "Is there something in your eye? You're doing this weird eye twitching thing."
"What? No, I was … ugh, forget it. Just … do you want a blow job or not?" I gave up trying to look sexy. Clearly it was coming across more like twitchy.
"Oh, hell yes." George smiled, this easy possessive sort of expression taking over his face. "I would like that very much, Mrs. Aarden." He winked to show me he was kidding, but I still frowned at him.
Reg snorted a laugh and I had to bite one back myself. Sometimes my earth elemental husband was just such a dork. Laughing now, while he unzipped his pants and freed his already rock-hard erection probably wasn't the best time though. Men could get so very sensitive when you started giggling near their genitalia.
"Sweet, first the Mile High Club, and now BJs in a moving vehicle." I was quite pleased with myself, and I wrapped my hand around George's cock before a sobering thought occurred to me. "Oh my God, I'm turning into Britt."
"She is your best friend," Warden pointed out and I supposed he was right. Besides, that girl was just always in a good mood and I was beginning to think it was from her daily serving of orgasms.
"True that," I agreed, turning my attention back to the velvet wrapped steel clenched in my fist. Wedged as I was in the middle of the back seat, with George on one side and Reg on the other, it became quickly apparent that simply leaning down wasn't going to put my face in the right location to actually be able to suck George off.
"Maybe try, umm." Warden frowned at my issues, leaning over the middle row of seats to offer his guidance. Dustin was leaning over the seat to just watch like the big old perv he was. Oh shit, who was I kidding, we were all big old pervs.
"Here, try lying across my lap," Reg suggested, patting his hand into his lap which was also sporting a massive boner. But it was Reg, so that was almost a permanent thing with him.
After a lot of shifting and shuffling around—okay, the bandage dress was a bad move for travelling in—I ended up ass up and belly down over Reg's lap, with my face level to George's dick.
"Much better," I announced, and Reg murmured his agreement as his hands smoothed over my ass. My knees were bent, my boots resting on the car window, but it was a surprisingly comfortable position to be in.
George made a strangled sort of noise as I flipped my hair out of my face and eyed up his tree trunk. "Uh, Blossom? Are you sure you’re okay? We could save this for later …" A nice sentiment, but he seriously sounded like he was choking with need. Aw, cute. Even the nice guy was a horny bastard.
"Oh, shit, sorry George," I chuckled, taking his hard wood in my hand once more and polishing it with a few strokes before guiding him to my mouth. I really hadn't intended to fuck around so much, there were just a lot more logistics involved in kinky backseat of a moving car sex, you know?
George moaned low in his throat as I went to work on him, sucking his tip like it was a Chupa Chups. For those not in the know, they're like this round, hard lollipop thing that you need to suck and lick at for freaking ages. Don't even try biting them, you'd break your teeth. Fucking Chupa Chups.
Not that I'd ever try biting George's knob … unless he was into that kind of thing.
George made a noise like he was in pain or some
thing, bucking his hips up just as the car hit a rough patch of road, and my elbow slipped from under me. This resulted in George's dick a lot further down my throat than I'd really intended to take him, and me gagging in the most terribly unladylike way.
My darling, sweet, earth loving husband didn't seem to notice the troubles I was having though, as he gripped my hair and pumped a little harder while he panted and moaned. After a moment of flailing, I realized I was actually okay after all, and just went along for the ride.
"Shite," Dustin murmured, watching intently like he was at a live porn show with front row seats. "I dinna know she could take it so deep. Wee gobshite was holdin' out on me."
"Cup his balls a bit, Smokey," Warden suggested, hanging over the back of the seat so far he could practically do it for me.
Come to think of it … "Why don't you?" I asked, removing George's branch from between my lips with an audible pop. "Cup his balls, Warden. I want to see you fondle George's nuts."
Warden—never one to say no in the bedroom, or the SUV for that matter—simply shrugged and leaned further over to do as I asked, gently scooping his hand inside George's pants and rolling those delicate berries in his strong fingers.
"Oh, fuck," George moaned, staring wide-eyed at the other man's hands on his stones and mine on his root. "I'm gonna come soon, Blossom. Do you mind?"
I wasn't totally sure if he meant, do I mind that he was going to come, or do I mind swallowing his load so that we didn't lose our security deposit on the Tesla. Either way, I returned my lips to his dick and sucked like his cum was made of honey.
Reg took that moment to push my tight dress up and over my ass, exposing my red satin panties that I had just put on clean and were now most definitely sporting a damp patch.
"Christ," Dustin murmured. "Look at all that flawless white skin. Give her a smack, would ya Reggie, old mate?"
At this suggestion, my butt cheeks tightened on reflex, but so did my cunt.
Holy shit, who would have ever thought that getting spanked might turn me on? At least none of them wanted me to get on my knees and call them sir.
Elements of Desire Page 5