by Lee Stephen
Rising slowly to her feet, Esther let her gaze linger on the bag for a moment longer before she stepped back, turned away, and made for the hangar exit.
Scott was right. Wallowing in a sea of self-loathing was going to solve nothing. If she wanted Jayden back—if she wanted her dignity and sense of control over her own life back—she was going to have to make concessions. She would have to do the thing she hated the most: admit she wasn’t good enough.
She wasn’t good enough at being pure—at least not enough to avoid making slips of the tongue as she’d made with Scott’s name. That had been a dreadful mistake, and it could very possibly happen again. She needed to reiterate to Jayden, as she had at Route 66 in Cairo, that she had literally been a fool for Scott. She was still a fool now. Though her cravings for Scott were no longer at the forefront of her mind, their echo was still there. That would take time to go away. She needed to ask Jayden to be patient with her as she would desperately try to be a good girlfriend.
She wasn’t good enough at being honest. Jayden would know that for sure when she’d bring up her position as valkyrie—which she would. She would tell him that secrecy and misdirection were parts of her nature that she wanted to be rid of, horribly. She wasn’t good enough to change on her own. She needed the Texan’s help.
She wasn’t good enough at being calm. That was an Esther trait of which everyone was well aware. She was a firecracker. It was part of her that made her who she was. It was a big reason why she needed Jayden for that balance, as Scott had accurately claimed. Jayden was the yin to her yang—a calming breeze in the hurricane of her heart. He could teach her how to control that passion of hers that got her into trouble.
And last, but not least…Esther simply wasn’t good. The realization of that had been the most painful part of all this. She was not a good person—but she was trying to be. Jayden was a big part of that. She wanted to be good for him. He deserved a good woman. Why couldn’t that be her?
Why…couldn’t that be her?
In the midst of a new, unexpected thought, Esther stopped in the hallway. Despite the stillness around her, she felt her heart suddenly flutter. As a swell of lightheadedness hit her, she found herself bracing against the wall with the palm of her hand. “What are you thinking, Molly Esther?” she asked herself quietly. A fear—and an anticipation—was hitting her. Briefly, she looked back at the hangar entrance far behind her, where she’d just said goodbye to one of her comrades. One of her comrades whose life was over. Whose tomorrows had run out. As her breathing grew heavier, she said, “You’re crazy, girl. You are out of your sodding mind.”
But she didn’t feel so crazy. And all of a sudden, the troubled scout knew what she had to do. She knew there was only one solution to all of this. A solution that defied everything about who she’d always been.
She could be that woman.
Feeling on the verge of hyperventilation, Esther blew breaths, in and out, until she could stand up straight again. She needed to talk to Jayden. She needed to tell him everything, and then some. She needed to grab hold of that whirlwind before it passed.
But first…she needed to solve something else. A nagging problem that’d been a thorn in her side for days. A problem that had the potential to derail everything.
As fate had it, Esther happened to have a solution for that, too.
* * *
Scott had been in his room for barely five minutes before the knock on his door came. Opening it, he was surprised to see Esther standing eagerly on the other side. Raising an eyebrow, Scott simply said, “Yes?”
“Antipov wants you to go radio dark,” Esther said, “yet you need to coordinate this perfectly. You need to communicate without the use of a comm.”
Hesitating for a moment, Scott slowly nodded his head. “That’s the gist of this, yes.”
Lifting her chin, Esther said with total confidence, “Ju`bajai.” Scott looked at her curiously. “Start getting the Falcons accustomed to Ithini connections. Use her as a mental comm of sorts. Everyone will be able to communicate without saying a word.” Leveling her head again, she said, “And there’s your radio dark coordination.”
Deep thought evident on his face, Scott fell silent for several moments before responding. “That’s actually…a very good idea.”
“I know,” she said, smirking just a bit. “I came up with it.”
Scott’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve been on a crusade for Ju`bajai’s release. There must be a reason.”
Her smirk disappeared as, very slowly, a smile took its place. “Not anymore.” Without further word or elaboration, the scout turned and walked away.
Closing the door after she’d gone, Scott stepped to the middle of his room with his hands on his hips. “Ju`bajai, huh?” he asked himself aloud. Nodding his head as if pleased, Scott grabbed a pen and paper to work out the details.
* * *
Freedom. At long last, Esther could taste it. It pulsed in her veins, and with every step she took closer to Jayden’s room, the feeling grew stronger. By the time she arrived at his door, she was riding a wave of unbridled, unadulterated liberation. She didn’t need confirmation that Ju`bajai would indeed be freed and that her captivity in the being’s mind would finally end. Her idea was valid. If Scott had the power to free Natalie Rockwell, he’d have the power to free the Ithini, too. However he worked that out was his problem—not hers. Esther’s problem was behind an old, wooden door. Reaching up to it with her hand, the scout bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes. Drawing in a preparatory breath, she finally knocked.
It was the Texan who answered, and a quick glance past him ensured that—as she’d hoped—his Irish roommate was not present. As her eyes flitted back to his, she beheld his disapproving stare. Beneath that black eye patch, it only seemed that much more menacing. She tried to smile just the same. “Hi, Jay.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
Holding her open palm out and before anything else could come out of his mouth, she said, “I was addicted to him.”
Jayden squinted with his good eye.
“I was addicted to Scott for so long. I thought of him every hour, every waking moment. But you mustn’t think these habits are representative of how I feel toward him now…or toward you.” Swallowing deeply, Esther waited to see if a retort of some kind would come. One didn’t. Angling her head a bit and wincing, she asked, “May I come in?”
Initially, there was no reaction at all from the Texan—he simply stared at her as she stood awkwardly albeit hopefully in the hall, waiting to see if he’d clear the way. At long last and with a sigh, he did. “Come in.”
She exhaled with relief. “Thank you, Jay.” Slipping inside as he stepped aside, Esther walked to the center of his room. Only when she heard the door click shut did she turn back around to face him. “I owe you an apology.”
“You think?”
“I don’t deserve you, and I know it. That I was…that I am the weak link in this relationship is not unknown to me. You do me grace simply by calling me a friend, let alone your girlfriend.” Gently, she brushed the fringe of her bangs from her forehead. “And if I were you, I would dump me in a heartbeat. But I am not you, and I hope you hear me out.”
Folding his arms across his chest, but not aggressively, Jayden nodded a single time. “I’m listenin’.”
Though Esther smiled faintly at his willingness, she quickly tucked the emotion away. Clearing her throat, she began. “I have been enduring some things lately that no one knows about. They are deeply personal things. Painful things.” The scout played with her fingers. “I don’t say this to make an excuse, but I do hope they provide some context as to why I’ve been…why I’ve been the way I’ve been.” It was the least crass way she could say it. “Many of my past mistakes, my past failures, have been coming back to haunt me. From Khatanga, to mistakes I’ve made with comrades, to my propensity for narcissistic idiocy…I’ve come face-to-face with some realities about myself that have left me hu
mbled, in the way that no one likes to feel humbled. They’ve made me feel humiliated.”
“Esther,” Jayden said, breaking into her monologue, “if you’ve been dealin’ with all this stuff, why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Because they are difficult to discuss with myself, let alone with anyone else, let alone with you—a man of character whose affections I am completely unworthy of. But what you need to know is that I have dealt with these things. I am ready to move on—which brings me to you.” Her dark brown eyes locked on him. “I beg of you to forgive me for the mistake I made with you. You have every right to ditch me for it, but it would break my heart, as you are the one it longs for, regardless of the lies my tongue may have told. I want you, Jay. You and no other.”
Rubbing his eye with his hand, Jayden looked down at the floor. “Man…”
“Please forgive me, Jay. I really, really need you to before I go on.”
“I forgive you,” he said, looking up at her again. “If you mean all the things you’re sayin’, if you really did just slip up, then yeah, I forgive you.” His expression shifted warningly. “But I don’t want to be competin’ with Scott.”
She looked at him flatly. “There is no chance that you’re competing with Scott. The woman Scott is meant to be with is Sveta, and she with him. They have their own ‘white knight saves damsel’ love story going on. That is, as soon as he finds her again.” Brushing back her hair again, she said, “The love story I want to talk about is our own.”
“Like I said, I’m listenin’.”
“Good,” Esther said, smiling warmly, “because I have a lot to say.” Her smile slowly faded. “Before coming here to your room, I said goodbye to Travis. And as I stood there, staring at that black, faceless bag he was in, all that struck me was how incredibly short our lives are, and how utterly perilous this situation is that we’ve all found ourselves in. Less than twenty-four hours ago, Travis was alive.” She shook her head in wonderment. “And just like that, in the blink of an eye, his life is extinguished. Right there, in the cockpit of the Pariah, the place where he felt most secure. Jay, that could be us.” Echoing her solemn countenance with his own, Jayden listened quietly. “EDEN could find out about Northern Forge tomorrow. At any moment, we could die. So I don’t want to waste a moment.” For the first time, the scout’s voice began to tremble. “If this were any other time, any other place, what I’m about to say would be ridiculous. But, for the life of me, Jay, right now it’s the only thing that makes sense. Let us not waste another minute.”
Eyeing her coyly, the hair on Jayden’s arms stood on end. When the scout slowly dropped to one knee, that same eye opened wide.
“I do not know much about true love,” Esther said, “but I know I want to learn about it with you. Before the world ends, before we are the next recipients of our comrades’ eulogies…” Ever so faintly, Esther’s eyes shimmered. “…might you accept me as your wife?”
“Whoa…”
No more words. With her chest heaving, and her glistening eyes on the Texan, Esther quietly waited for his reply. She did not have to wait long. “Are you serious?”
“I’m on sodding bended knee, Jay. Yes, I’m serious!”
“You’re serious?”
The scout looked utterly panicked. Her mocha skin paling a shade, she stared up at the Texan like someone waiting to hear their own verdict. At long last, the verdict was read.
Rubbing the back of his neck, Jayden looked at her and said, “Man, why the hell not?”
Esther’s eyes widened suddenly. “Is that a yes?”
“That’s a yes.”
“Is that a bloody yes?”
Jayden laughed and nodded his head. “That’s a bloody yes!”
Hopping up to her feet, Esther bolted across the Texan’s room. He wrapped her up in his arms. “I will make you so incredibly happy!” she spouted out as they kissed. “I will be everything you ever imagined. I will make you mustard sandwiches every sodding morning!”
“Whoa, now,” he said, laughing as they kissed again. “I might have to rethink this.”
“Not on your bloody life,” she said, grinning.
Putting her at arm’s length briefly, Jayden said quizzically, “But hang on. How in the world are we gonna get married here? Don’t we need, like, a priest?”
“Lukin,” she said, still grinning from ear-to-ear. “The keeper. He was a chaplain.”
Jayden blinked. “That guy was a chaplain?”
“Yes. He’ll do it—trust me.”
“How do you know?”
Looking away briefly, the scout hesitated before her eyes turned back on him. “I actually have a bit of a card to play.”
“What the hell kind of card do you have to play against Lukin?”
Esther’s head tilted downward, though she kept her gaze steadfast on him. “One that I should probably tell you about. Jay…you might have to sit down.”
* * *
Rubbing his closed eyes with his thumb and pointer finger, Valentin released a long, resigned sigh as he sunk into his couch. In a voice as defeatist as could have ever been imagined coming out of his mouth, he said, “If that is what you deem necessary, that is what you will have.”
Scott stared almost bug-eyed. “Really?”
“Yes,” answered the keeper without looking. “Assign her to one of your crew. I will prepare a statement for the staff here, requesting they please not shoot the alien in the halls. Make whatever arrangements you and your operatives need to house the Ithini. I will have her release set for Saturday. This will give the staff at the base time to…ready themselves.”
Not knowing what to say, Scott only stared down at the solemnly silent fulcrum as he remained still on his couch. To say this was not what Scott had expected was the understatement of their whole stay at Northern Forge. Upon making his trek up to Valentin’s suite, Scott was mentally preparing to dodge a thrown violin. But for Valentin to approve the release of Ju`bajai without so much as a question? It was more than clear that this was not what the man wanted. He looked downright ill. For Scott, that only meant one thing. Almost with a tinge of pity, he asked, “Antipov got to you, didn’t he?”
Inhaling a breath through his nostrils that seemed to take forever to fill his lungs, the keeper released it just as slowly before answering. “I sent him an encrypted message this morning regarding the release of Natalie Rockwell. He sent a response that informed me that, should your mission fail and I did not provide you with all the assistance you required, I will be held personally responsible.”
It was confirmed. The keeper had been neutered. “And that scares you even when Antipov is all the way over in Chernobyl?”
Though Valentin’s jaw stiffened, he said nothing.
Scott wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say—he honestly hadn’t expected the question of releasing Ju`bajai to be entertained, let alone granted. He almost felt the need to apologize for the ease of it all. In less than a week, Valentin had seen all of his influence over Northern Forge stripped away. Scott might as well move into the suite, himself—at least until the train heist was finished. Sliding his hands into his pockets, the only gesture that felt natural, Scott said, “Look, man, for what it’s worth, I get what it is you’re going through.”
“You have no concept of what I am going through,” Valentin said quietly, fingers still pressed down over his eyes.
There was so much brewing under the surface of the man. He emanated tense energy. Scott almost expected him to snap. “Well, I know this may not come as the most welcomed offer, but if you want to talk about anything…” He left the statement hanging for Valentin to pick up, should he have chosen to. He didn’t. Sighing quietly, Scott took a step back and raised his hand lazily to wave. “Then I’ll see you around.” The message! Ask him about Lilan’s video message. “Oh, one more thing, before I forget. Have you heard if Lilan’s message got to anyone, yet?”
For several seconds, Valentin said nothing, until at long
last, he shook his head. “No. I have not heard.”
Well, that was…disappointing. Upon realizing that the keeper wasn’t going to say anything more on it, Scott turned to make his way for the door.
After their confrontation in the medical bay—the one in which Scott went toe-to-toe with Valentin over the killing of workers at Hami Station—Scott had come to view Valentin as his antithesis at the base. But the sheer despondency that permeated the air around the keeper was starting to alter Scott’s perception. Not his perception toward what had happened at Hami Station. That would never change. But seeing Valentin in this powerless state was actually hurting Scott. He almost wanted to call Gavriil to have the keeper put on suicide watch.
As Scott passed the picture frames that adorned Valentin’s walls, he once again found himself momentarily captivated by their shocking normalcy. Before he realized it, he was standing still in front of them, staring at them again as if Valentin wasn’t even in the room with him. There was just something about the pictures that was so hard to believe. At long last, his curiosity won. Turning his head in Valentin’s direction, Scott asked the question that’d been on his mind since he’d first seen the keeper’s suite. “What happened to them?” What happened to you? He didn’t care if the question threatened to make things awkward. Things were awkward as it was.