by Dawn, P.
You didn’t give her a chance to explain. Shut up!
I take the mug offered to me and sip the dark liquid, trying to think about anything other than Joss/Butterfly.
All this time she was one and the same. If she’d told me from the moment I’d entered House, then things would’ve worked out differently, wouldn’t it? For the past few weeks, she’s been using me for her own kicks. But isn’t that the purpose of that place?
I bit the inside of my cheek so hard the metallic taste of blood coats my tongue. I have to get the thoughts of her, and my overactive conscience, out of my mind. I need to have all of my energy focused on getting through this weekend without going mentally insane. Then, I’ll deal with Joss. She’s not going to get away with what she’s done, not a fucking chance, and I have to come up with something to get my revenge on her deceit and my humiliation.
Chapter 17
I look at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is tied back off my face in a high ponytail, my plain, thin-strapped black dress is hugging every inch of my curves from my chest to my mid-thigh, and my red shoes contrast against the dark fabric and the almost reserved appearance of my outfit. The neckline runs over the swells of my breasts, and I adjust it, so it’s higher still. I watch as it slowly descends, revealing the killer cleavage that would be hard to miss. I know my mom will have something to say about it, so I grab it in an attempt to make it stay put.
“Oh, what the hell,” I say to my reflection. The eyes looking back at me are cold, and the red-stained lips are turned down. If it were another person, I would feel bad for them and wonder what had made them so upset. But the lack of sleep I had last night, as the thoughts of Joss wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone, only add to the misery that’s emanating from me.
Why didn’t she just tell me? Why did she let it go this far?
I drop my head back and close my eyes when my throat tightens. I remember all of the times she was awkward or uncomfortable around me, even after I began going to House. It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me—I couldn’t behave that way.
Of course, I couldn’t. That’s not me at all. I’m a loud mouth, and I don’t care what I say or who I say it to. Joss it the complete opposite.
I understand, to a point, but while the wound is still fresh, I can’t even think about Joss or what she’s done. All I know is that ‘Butterfly’ knew who I was, but chose not to tell me she was one of my fucking friends, and I was sharing things about her to her!
“Jaime, are you ready?” my mom calls from the other side of the door. “Joseph is waiting downstairs.”
Fucking Joseph. He gets here just before he’s supposed to be taking us all for a family dinner, and I bet my month’s salary that he’ll be gone soon after. He’s doing well for himself, and now that he looks set to be settling down, I know this night is only going to get worse. My mom will gush over every tiny detail of couple’s bliss.
“Yeah, just a minute.” I pick up my red clutch, leaving my switched-off phone, and open my door to my mother’s gaze.
“Well, don’t you look lovely,” she beams. “But, you might want to wear a sweater, or possibly something with a higher neckline?”
“This is fine,” I reply and give another little tug on the fabric, and it stays put. “There, see?” Does it matter?
My mom smiles wide and nods. “Beautiful, Jaime.”
I attempt to return the smile, but my face refuses to comply. Instead, my lips purse, and I grimace. “Thanks.”
“What’s wrong, sweetheart? You’ve looked upset since you got here last night.” Her worried expression falters, and I know why she’s being tentative.
“I’m fine,” I lie. “I’m just tired from work and the drive here.”
“Well, you can talk about anything you want with me, Jaime. If you’re having guy troubles, you can share with me.”
There you go.
I answer politely, but it’s hard at this point. “No guy to have trouble with, Mom.” I head towards the stairs and begin to walk down.
“Oh, is that the problem? Because I—”
“Mom”—I turn back—“I’m not interested, okay? Can we please just go to dinner?” I’m not in the mood for her lectures on relationships, especially now that the one I thought was starting had been stomped all over with six-inch stripper heels that had been sharpened with a blunt knife.
I walk into the living room, expecting to see my cousin and his girlfriend. Joseph is there all right, but instead of his girlfriend as expected, his friend, Mason, is sitting next to him. Joseph’s eyes narrow in confusion and he looks at me, then to my mom. I look over to my dad, who’s sitting reading the newspaper, and he’s not paying any attention in the slightest.
“What’s going on? Where’s Leah?” I clench my jaw when Joseph’s eyebrows furrow.
“Leah?” He looks to my mom and ice runs through my veins when I see her smug smile. “Jaime, we broke up weeks ago.”
“Joey, didn’t you say it was Jaime?” Mason asks him.
I snap. “What was Jaime? And why are you asking him instead of me?”
He stands and takes a step toward me, and I take a step back in response. “You invited me to join you for dinner tonight?”
“What?” I whisper. “Why the hell would you think…?” I turn to glare at the woman next to me who’s examining her nails. “Did you do this?”
My mom flutters her eyes and purses her lips. “Well, I had to take the initiative, honey. You always say you’re too busy, so while you were visiting, I thought it was the perfect opportunity for Mason to join us.”
Fire rages deep in my gut when she smiles triumphantly, which shifts into a heavy boulder sitting in my chest, weighing me down and crushing everything inside.
My dad turns the page of his paper; Joseph has his fingertips between his eyebrows while shaking his head, and Mason’s face is a fierce shade of red. The sting in my nose builds and raises a well of tears, but I won’t let them fall. I’m stronger than that; I know that now, and no matter what my mother says, or does, it won’t ever change who I am. The person I am inside won’t let anyone push or manipulate me into something that will make me unhappy, try to make me something I’m not, or force me into living a lie. Not anymore—never again. But, I’m not going to tell them the truth—I’m not ready.
I swallow and clear my throat. “Mason, I’m sorry you were led to believe I asked for this—I didn’t.”
Joseph gestures for Mason to follow him and looks disapprovingly at my mom. “You’ve gone too far, Lois,” he says on his way past. “I never thought you’d stoop that low to set up your daughter.” He turns to me. “Sorry, Jaime, I had no idea.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I almost whisper, my eyes never leaving the woman that has overstepped for the last time.
“Now, why did you go and do that?” she snips, and my jaw drops. “He’s a good catch, Jaime. You two would be so good togeth—”
“Stop!” I hold my hand up and close my eyes while I take a calming breath. “I can’t believe you, Mom. What the hell possessed you to think it was okay to set us up? To lie to us like that? Why are you constantly pushing me to date?”
I look to my dad for help, but his eyes don’t lift from whatever the fuck he’s reading.
“You’re a grown woman, Jaime.” My mom’s condescending tone cuts into me. “Don’t you think it’s time you settled down? For goodness sakes, you’re still living in an apartment in the city. Don’t you want to find a nice man, get married, and have children?”
I drop my head back and groan. “This fucking crap again!” I don’t give her time to scold me for cursing. “I don’t ever want that, okay? So stop already.”
“Just give him a chance,” she says, smiling, her tone changing again.
I lift my hands in exasperation. “You’re not listening! I’m not interested in Mason, or any man, and I never will be.”
Her left eye twitches and her mouth trembles. She dismisses my statement with a wa
ve of her hand. “Okay, so Mason might not be your personal choice. I do know that Greta’s nephew has just moved into the area—”
“Jesus Christ!” I walk out of the room, ignoring my mom’s rambling about blasphemy, and up the stairs to change as the first tear rolls down my cheek.
“Fuck, fuck!” I bang the back of my head against my headboard with frustration. I can’t keep still, and I fidget with my hair, rub my forehead, chew my nails… I’m about to explode.
Isolation is tugging on me, and the claustrophobia of my own emotions is closing in from all directions, clawing at me and scratching at my surface as though trying to release whatever is pushing its way to the top. I know what it is, and I know it’s going to have to come out sooner or later, but I can’t. Not right now, not here.
She can help me. I swipe at my face, clearing the liquid that’s blurring my vision. She’s been there every step of the way.
“Sadie,” I say and pick up my phone to power it on. “Sadie, please be there.”
I wait for my phone to load up so I can send a message to her. The wallpaper illuminates the screen and the beeping noise of incoming messages and missed call notifications fills the silence.
Joss. She has called over and over, no text messages, but has left one voicemail. I swipe the screen to delete it but hesitate with my shaking thumb poised over the red icon. Why did she do this to me? I press to delete the message and open my text to Sadie. I quickly send a message that I’m going to be home sooner than planned.
My phone rings immediately. “Hi, Sadie.”
“Jaime! What’s happened? Is everything okay? Why are you coming back early?”
That was a good question. Getting away from my mother was a good enough reason, but that would just mean I was heading in Joss’ direction, and I don’t want to see her.
“Joseph split up with his girlfriend weeks ago,” I begin. “Mason was here.”
“Why…? Oh God, she didn’t.” I hear Sadie gasp. “Oh, Jaime, I’m so sorry! Come home, babe—we’ll get pizza and beer, and stay up all night to talk if you want.”
I feel my lips turn up at her words, but the tears still come. “Thanks, Sadie. I’ll be home in the morning, okay? I don’t feel like coming back right now.”
“Why? What’s wrong? Jaime, you sound like you’re crying, what the hell? You never cry.”
I decide I need to speak to her about it, or I’m going to lose my fucking mind. “The girl I told you about, well, she did something.” I sniffle, and Sadie waits for me to continue. “I can’t really talk here, but I know who she is now, and she knew me all along.”
“What? That doesn’t make any sense. Jaime, who is she?”
No matter what Joss has done I can’t out her like this; that’s her decision to make. “I can’t tell you, but it fucking hurts, Sadie. My chest is fucking imploding.”
“Jaime? Are you…in love with her?”
I don’t answer. Instead, I think about every tiny thing that Joss elicited in me before I found House that night, then all of the different ways she made me feel and, as Butterfly, helped me find myself in there. I picture her face, and how she looked when I figured out it had been her all along—the fear, the panic… She was scared I would hate her.
“I…I…” I put my hand over my mouth.
She could’ve told me right from the start. But, why would she? I was supposed to have just one night in the club. One night and then I would be gone, but she would still be there.
Joss didn’t take advantage of me then, but it sure felt like she had afterward. “I have to go, Sadie. I’ll see you soon.”
“Come home first thing, Jaime, okay?” Sadie’s voice cuts into my thoughts. “Try and get some rest, and then we’ll talk about it all tomorrow.”
I place my phone in my pocket, and I turn around to go downstairs. I don’t even take a step when I’m caught off-guard. My mom is standing there, glaring at me, her mouth curled into a snarl and her arms folded tightly across her chest.
“Who were you talking to?” she demands.
“That was Sadie,” I reply, wondering what the fuck I’ve done now. My stomach flips and takes an Olympic dive to the floor.
“Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for you,” she says curtly. “I just want you to be happy, honey. I just don't want you to be lonely.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes as she scans my room. “Seeing as though we’re not going out for dinner, I’ll make us something.” She leaves my room, but not before I catch the quick clench of her jaw.
I hear my parents talking when I walk downstairs and into the hallway. I know my mom would have said something about our exchange, and subsequently brushing it under the carpet as if it was nothing. I silently wish that she keeps her opinions to herself until I leave in the morning. Her plan has gotten me so fucking mad I can feel my shoulders bunching with tension.
I sit at the table next to my dad, and he looks up from his paper long enough for me to see the sympathy in his eyes. It’s short-lived when he continues reading the sports section.
“There we are,” my mom chirps and places plates full of salad in front of us with a basket of bread rolls. “Now, let’s have a nice dinner, shall we?”
I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone or at least a warped version of Lala-land.
Does my dad not see this at all?
I look back and forth between my parents to see whether anybody remembers the scene that happened only ten minutes ago. Nope, not a fucking tic or scowl that would suggest anything was wrong in the slightest.
“Something wrong?” she asks before crunching some lettuce into her mouth.
I inhale slowly, calmly, and carefully release my shaky breath. My hands tremble as I pick up my fork. “Obviously not,” I mutter and take a bite of my food. I can feel my mother’s eyes on me, and I swear I can hear the gears grinding inside her head.
Yeah, go ahead. Whatever it is you want to say, just fucking say it.
“What would you like to do tomorrow?” she asks happily, and the clang of metal hitting porcelain pierces my ears. “Jaime, you need to be more careful.”
I pick up my fork and return it to its place beside my plate; my hunger is dissipating with every passing second. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning,” I say between gritted teeth, and I can no longer ignore the enormous elephant in the room. “After what you did, what you planned, do you really think I would still be staying the whole weekend?”
My dad shifts in his seat and turns his page. I want to rip the goddamn thing out of his hands and burn it.
My mom tucks a lock of her mousey colored hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry about you finding out like that.”
I snort an incredulous laugh. “You’re only sorry I found out? So you’re not sorry about what you did…? At all?” She flutters her eyes and purses her lips again, and her stubborn, self-righteousness is driving me insane.
“Why would I be sorry for trying to secure my daughter’s happiness?” she asks and takes another bite of her green leaves.
All of the years of her denial come flooding back, and I realize I’ve been an idiot not to speak up for myself sooner. “Because you know why!” I say, raising my voice. Her eyes widen, and my dad puts down his paper. “Mason would not make me happy, Mom. Not now, not ever.” I know who would make me happy, and as soon as I think of her, my chest aches. I stab my elbows on the table, place my hands over my face, and attempt to rub the stress from my forehead.
“So it was just that it was Mason,” she sighs, and her expression relaxes with relief. “Well, now I know he’s not for you.”
I rub my eyes and groan. “Oh, God!” I know what’s about to happen, it’s fighting its way out of me, and I don’t think I have the strength to stop it.
My phone rings and I pull it out to check the ID.
Fucking perfect.
Joss calling me right now is not helping my situation, but it’s oddly soothing seeing her name on my screen.
“Who’s that now?”
My mom asks, and I look up from my phone.
“Joss.” I decline the call, as I’m not even close to being ready to talk to her.
The cold stare from across the table is enough to make even my dad cringe, but I don’t react. The snapping of my self-control sends a rush of courage through me; I’m not going to hold back anymore. Manners are well and truly flying the fuck out of the window, and I let myself out of the box with a wave.
“Joss is more my type.” I watch her left eye twitch, and her lips tighten.
“Jai—”
“I’m not going to sit here and listen to any more crap that comes out of your mouth whenever I mention another woman,” I say, and I glance at my dad whose head is snapping to and from the both of us. My mom opens her mouth again, but I stop her. “No, Mom, I’m not taking any more of your bullshit. All my life you’ve been telling me that what I feel”—I point to my chest—“is wrong. I know who I am, what I am, and no matter what you do or say is going to make the slightest difference.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snips, and a bitter laugh escapes my lips.
“You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. But I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to accept that.”
The chair pushes back away from my mom as she jumps out of her seat, anger pouring out of her. “Because it’s wrong!”
“It’s not!” I yell and stand up, my heart pumping so hard I can feel my pulse throbbing in my neck. “I’m so sick of you trying to change me into somebody I’m not!”
She places her hands down on the table and glares at me. “I will never accept my daughter living that way, and I will do everything I can to make you see sense.”
I pound my fist down with a thud. “I see perfect sense, and it’s not what you want, Mom.” A sly grin spreads across my face, and my brain is all out of fucks now. “In fact, I’ve been seeing sense for a while now, and she’s amazing.”
Fuck, she is. What am I doing?
My mother’s shrieks snap me out of my inner turmoil. “How dare you come in here and tell me of your sin. It’s wrong, and you need to leave. When you understand and return to normal, you can come back and ask for forgiveness—I will consider taking you in.”