by Debra Moerke
One evening, I passed Courtney’s room carrying an armful of folded laundry. Courtney sat on her bed sorting through clothes.
“Mom! Can you come here a minute?” she called.
“Sure. What’s up?” I entered her room and sat down on the bed next to her.
“I want to thank you for supporting me in my decision to keep the baby,” she said, giving me a hug.
I hugged her in return. “I want you to understand that it’s a big responsibility. You will need help to be a good mom.” I smiled back at her. “You need to think about what kind of a mom you are going to be.” I wanted to encourage her to be praying and planning on how she would parent her little one.
“I know what kind of a mom I want to be,” she said. “I want to be like you.”
I bowed my head as tears fell from my eyes. My heart was full. Full of loss, sorrow, and what I thought were shattered dreams. But full of love as well. Life was not over yet. I’d been down difficult roads before and knew the Lord would be my strength, even through the storm of my negative emotions.
Motherhood can be the hardest job a woman will ever experience. Joy. Yes, there is joy. Heartbreak? Definitely. Some heartbreaks feel as if they will never heal. Only God can bring healing. Only in God would there be hope.
“Mom, I think I’m going into labor.”
I checked the clock. 8:00 p.m. on January 15, 2015. Al and I were surprised at how nervous we felt as we quickly packed a little bag for her, and the three of us headed for the hospital. In the birthing room, as the nurses prepared Courtney, I hovered, while Al turned on the TV. It would be a while before the baby would come. We all needed to settle in and wait. I was surprised how well sixteen-year-old Courtney was handling it. She actually slept between labor pains. Al watched the TV, and I paced and marveled at both of them as they remained calm and ready for the birth.
I watched my young daughter lying in the hospital bed on the same floor of the same hospital where so much had taken place. It was here that baby Ally had been born and I’d picked her up to take her home. It was here I’d first met Karen. It was here I’d sat anxiously in the hallway with the two DFS workers and their police escort, awaiting Courtney’s birth, not knowing if we’d be allowed to adopt her. Now Courtney’s baby would be born.
I will soon have brought all three home from the time of their birth and, as with the first two, a new chapter of life will begin to unfold. Dear Lord, make me ready for this new chapter.
For much of the evening, I walked the floor of the labor room taking in the wonder of motherhood, my own as well as that of two of my other daughters who had grown up, married, and become mothers. I pondered the lifetime commitment of motherhood, and I prayed God would give me the wisdom to be close enough to be available to my own daughters when needed yet offer enough distance to allow them to be the mothers God had called them to be.
It must have been close to two in the morning when Courtney felt she needed to push.
“The doctor went home to sleep for a while,” the nurse said, “believing the baby wouldn’t come for hours yet.” Obviously, the baby had different plans. Watching three nurses run in and out of the birthing room didn’t give us much confidence. Would the doctor make it in time? Would the head nurse be delivering? We hoped not.
Nearly twenty minutes passed before the doctor arrived. He rushed into the room with a big smile and said, “Let’s do this!”
We were more than ready.
I held Courtney’s hand as she pushed, reminding her that she was doing a great job and the baby would come soon. Then with one big push, lil Miss Mary made her debut. Nurses rushed to receive the newborn from the doctor, ready to weigh her and clean her up for her mommy to hold. Within minutes, Mary was wrapped in a pale green-and-white receiving blanket, just as Courtney had been sixteen years before, and placed on Courtney’s chest. I cuddled close to both of them and watched mother and child connect. Tears of joy rolled down our cheeks as we witnessed precious new life. It was then that, deep in my spirit, I sensed God speaking to me in a way I had never heard before.
“It is through heartache, heartbreak, and pain that I grow you, Deb. But I have given you a free will so that you can choose. Will you live, or become bitter and die? Will you allow me to work in your life in the way I see best to encourage the most positive possible outcome, or will you be satisfied to live small and crippled within your own limited borders?”
The Lord brought Deuteronomy 30:19 to my mind.
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.
Then he continued speaking to me. “All I have allowed into your world is not only for your good, but for the good of others. I didn’t create the world to revolve around you. I created the world and created you to become more of the image of me. The face of this newborn baby is the face of me. The only way I become life in you is through pain and laboring. I know it hurts. I know you feel lonely and separated from those you love when you choose to follow me rather than what others want you to do. I know there are times when you feel like giving up and that life seems hopeless and you feel helpless. I know. I know.
“But my mercies are new every day. My grace is made fresh every morning. My love is never-ending, and the depth of my love for you goes far beyond what you could begin to imagine. My love is not limited like yours. My love is everlasting. I break you because I love you. I disappoint you to show you that it’s your own appointments that are dis-appointed—they are not my appointments for you.
“You can never give the way I give. You cannot see as I see. You cannot love as I love, until, like my Son, you have entered this world, been broken by it, and then, love through it. Only I can fill you with my power of forgiveness. Only I can take the sorrow and turn it into something beautiful.”
In the sweet face of new life, God spoke truth into my heart. And I knew beyond a doubt that only God could do that.
Only God could create Mary and place her in loving arms.
Only God could have put Hannah, a child who was going to be murdered, into the hands of a family who would truly love her and show her Jesus.
Only God could bring forth a forgiveness that goes beyond just saying the words.
Only God could lead me to become a lay chaplain in a jail, knowing that I’d be able to hear the murderer’s confession and lead her to Christ.
Only God could put me in a Mrs. International pageant at a time when I was broken beyond repair and bring eternal truth and beauty from the event.
Only God could blossom in the heart of a woman serving a life sentence and fill her with new purpose and his love.
Only God could take down the giants of bitterness and hatred, of broken lives and desperate circumstances, and craft new lives that live for him.
Only God could lead me to the depths of sacrificial obedience and repeated surrender.
Only God could use a murder and the calling of motherhood to demonstrate his miraculous grace!
Interview with Debra Moerke
How did your story come to be a book?
Years ago, as I saw God’s hand move in my and Karen’s hearts, I recognized that the hearts of many others were not moving forward toward healing. I sensed God encouraging me to share what he was doing, believing that healing could take place in others if they knew the love, forgiveness, and hope he could bring to those who sought him. The pressure to tell the story became more intense as the years passed, until I realized I needed help to accomplish the task. I knew God would have to bring the right people into my life to write the book. And he did!
Was it difficult for you and your family to relive the events?
Yes. Writing the book prompted discussions that my husband, children, and I had never had before. It brought out feelings many of them didn’t want to feel again. A few didn’t want to talk about the story at all, while others opened up and poured out all
they felt after the events took place. For some, feelings of anger, unforgiveness, and pain hadn’t changed over the years. For others, talking about and sharing the hope and healing the story might bring to those who read the book caused them to rethink, evaluate their hearts, and recognize how God can forgive and bring good out of evil.
Why did it feel important for you to write the book, and what do you hope readers will take away from it?
I didn’t doubt that God was urging me to write it. I believe he wants others to know the growth and freedom I went through, as well as what Karen went through, to bring healing and truth to their own lives. I hope that readers—no matter where they are coming from—will walk away with a better understanding of how God can work in our lives; how trusting him for direction, healing, and hope can offer us freedom and peace; and how following him can lead others to that freedom and hope.
Do you still visit Karen or stay in contact with her in any way? Has her faith continued to grow?
Yes. I talk to Karen on the phone a few times a month, and I visit her three to four times a year at the prison. She is more at peace with God. She has acknowledged to me that she knows he has forgiven her, and she reads her Bible and devotionals daily. She ministers to other women when they are open to listening to her. Her countenance has changed dramatically over the years as God has been working in her life.
Did you consult with Karen during the process of writing the book?
Yes. She knew years ago that I felt called to write the book. She and I both had our fears in doing so. It was another level of growth for both of us, and we prayed for each other as we decided to move forward with me writing the book. Karen read the manuscript, and that process seemed to bring about even more growth and healing.
Has the aftermath of what happened affected your feelings about the foster care system?
It has helped me to understand that no organization, company, group, or system is without fault. People are involved and people are flawed. We can do our best in serving others, but we cannot cover every need of every person. The intent of social service organizations is to serve and help children and families. They are overloaded with cases, and even though they want to do the best they can, they will fall short in areas, as we all do. Grace has to be shown to others if we want grace to be shown to us when we fall short. Just before the book was released, out of respect for the Department of Family Services in Casper, I met with the current director and his wife to explain that my heart’s desire in bringing this story to light was to encourage hope and healing to family members, our community, and every person who might read the book.
How did Courtney participate in the writing of this book, and how did she feel when reading it for the first time?
When I first told Courtney that I was going to move forward in writing the book, I said it would be under one condition: I needed to have her support and blessing. She thought for a moment and then said, “If you promise to tell the whole truth, you have my support and blessing.” We agreed! Once the entire manuscript was completed, I let Courtney read it. She cried at many parts of the book. She laughed at a few. She had questions for me. We talked about them, and then she said, “I’m proud of you, Mom,” and she hugged me very tightly. I asked her to tell me why she was proud of me, so she wrote me a note that said, “I am proud to call you my mom and to stand by your book because of the hardships you dealt with in everything. In the end, Hannah and God were typing your story, helping you to create it. I believe Hannah was tapping you on the shoulder and pushing you, saying, ‘It’s time to tell my story and your story.’”
How are Courtney and Mary doing today? What are Courtney’s plans and hopes for the future?
Courtney is a loving and protective mommy, completely committed to Mary. As I write this, Mary is four years old and goes to preschool. She is a happy little girl with a sweet heart. The two of them live with my husband and me. Courtney is finishing her schooling in medical billing and coding to pursue a career that would bring future financial security for Mary and herself. Providing for Mary and raising her to be a healthy, happy, well-adjusted young lady is of the utmost importance to her mother.
Are you or Courtney still in touch with anyone from Hannah’s biological family? Are there any updates you’re at liberty to share?
Yes. Courtney touches base with a few of her brothers and sisters now and then. A few times a year, two of her siblings stop by our home. Courtney and Mary have dinner with Karen’s father every so often. About once a week, he comes to the restaurant where Courtney works to have a meal and see her. She and her grandfather have a good relationship. After Karen’s mother passed away, I began visiting him, too, bringing him a meal or dessert. A special blessing is that Karen’s father and I have gone to the prison together to visit Karen. That is an amazing gift.
You share in the book that your past includes an abortion. Was that a difficult part of your story to relate?
Somewhat. I knew that before I could minister to others, especially publicly, I had to confess the truth to my extended family. (My immediate family already knew.) I have shared my story for years in order to minister to others, but it is not an easy confession to make.
How has it influenced your life decisions such as fostering, working at a pregnancy crisis center, and adopting?
Ever since I chose to follow Jesus, I have found that he uses all my past sins and even my failures to open my eyes and heart to the needs of others. Whether to people in pain from a past event or to those struggling with decisions today, I believe God has called me and uses me to share his love and forgiveness with them. When I was a young girl of seventeen, I believed a baby in the womb was just tissue. Not until science and the medical field said, “No, this is a human life from conception” did I understand why there would be such a feeling of guilt over just tissue. It was hard to get counsel for something that was considered a nonissue. Decades later I read Aborting America by Dr. Bernard Nathanson, one of our nation’s top abortionists in the 1960s. In the 1970s he had a complete change of heart. His conviction—that we were killing babies—became my conviction as well, and I began to understand where and why God was calling me into a world of protecting children while loving their parents. My heart is for the innocent children, born and unborn. I believe God gave me a heart for them.
What message is on your heart to share with other women who have abortion as part of their story?
Women today have a wide spectrum of opinions and experiences when it comes to abortion. For some, it is not a matter of if the unborn baby is human or not, or alive or not, but that there are laws that give us the right to abort. While the latter is true, each of us needs to decide who gave us that right. Was this a God-given right or a government-given right? That would be my question to anyone considering abortion. Each of us needs to answer that question according to our own conscience and heart.
Then there are those who wrestle with the decision, knowing or believing it is wrong but feeling trapped in their circumstances. They believe the lie that they have no choice but to abort. They believe they can live with the regret better than living with an unwanted baby.
There are also those who choose abortion and then live their lives with such guilt that they can’t function. Their shame and secret eats at them every day of their lives.
Only God can change our hearts. Only God can forgive and heal those who were deceived in believing they didn’t have a choice. Only God can restore life to the woman who is eaten up with shame and guilt. I choose to love all of them with the help and love I receive from Jesus.
What advice would you give readers who have children in their lives and are struggling, not sure where to find help?
When Karen and I committed to sharing this story, her hope was that it would prevent someone else from doing what she did. She knew she had been too prideful and stubborn to accept help. She regrets that now, and she and I have prayed that if there is a struggling parent out there who needs help with his or h
er children or his or her own pain, that he or she would seek help. Counselors, churches, and social services can help.
What’s next for you, Al, and the rest of your family?
We have no idea! We will see what the Lord brings and remain committed to surrendering to his leading.
Acknowledgments
I am filled with gratitude to my incredible prayer team whose faithful prayers saw me through every phase of writing this book: Helen Vaughn, Ron Kirkegaard, Dale Hampton, Lauree Benson, Shauna Letellier, Jewel Saunders, Pam Bartosh, and Chris Larramendy.
I thank those who gave me such generous support and prayer throughout this project: Thom and Marla Johnson, Angela Heigler, Leebett Calar, Jamie Barbe, Darcie Gudger, Jackie Brown, John and Chris Larramendy, Tom and Charlene Bichel, and Sandy Meyerson.
Publishing a book was even more of a team effort than I ever imagined. Thank you to the Tyndale House Publishers team who so graciously contributed their skills and creativity: Jan Long Harris, executive publisher; Sarah Atkinson, associate publisher; Bonne Steffen, senior editor; Julie Chen, senior designer; Sarah Kelley, associate editor; Jillian Schlossberg, acquisitions editor; Kara Leonino, acquisitions editor; Maria Eriksen, marketing; and Amanda Woods and Katie Dodillet, public relations.
Lissa Halls Johnson also invested her keen editorial insight. I thank you.
I am grateful to Wes Yoder, my agent, who believed the story had to be told, and to Cindy Lambert, my collaborative writer. Cindy, without you hearing my story and feeling called to using your expertise and gifts to bring it to life, this story may not have been written.
How can I possibly express to my daughter Courtney and my husband, Al, what it meant to me to have their support and encouragement through every step of this adventure? There were many days they had to fend for themselves. I love you both and appreciate you so very much.