Angie struggled to understand the family dynamics of the McClain household, but figured she couldn’t say much, considering how her own family had treated her.
“The pizza’s getting cold,” she said. “Would you like to take it over to my place? We could heat it up in the microwave and watch a video.”
“Or we could talk.”
Meryl’s face held a sadness that made Angie ache. “We can do whatever you want.”
They entered the house. Jacqueline was still ensconced on the couch. Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith were in the throes of battling the giant bug at the end of the movie.
“Gee, I wonder if they’re going to get him,” Angie said.
“Oh, shut up, Cantinnini. I need some kind of outlet from my classes. Of course it doesn’t hurt that my Will baby’s in it.”
“You remember Meryl, right?”
“Yes, I do. Good seeing you again, Meryl.” Jacqueline’s eyes remained riveted on the set.
Angie gestured for Meryl to follow her into the kitchen. She grabbed two clean plates from the dishwasher—at least she hoped they were clean. The three roommates didn’t have much dinnerware or silverware, so they’d pledged to use the dishwasher as often as necessary.
She put the pizza on the plates and heated them in the microwave.
“Want a Coke or something?”
“A Coke sounds good.”
They picked up their drinks and pizza and started for Angie’s bedroom. She stopped short. Meryl bumped into her from behind.
“Sorry, but I thought I’d better ask first. Is it okay if we watch a movie in the bedroom? I mean, normally we could watch it out there”—Angie pointed toward the living room with her Coke—“but Jacqueline will probably watch that damn thing again. If it’s a problem—”
“It’s okay, Angie.”
They passed Jacqueline’s and Marissa’s rooms on their way to Angie’s at the end of the hall. She was glad she’d cleaned her room that morning. She’d have hated for Meryl to see books and clothes strewn across the floor.
“You can have the bed if you like,” Angie said. “I’ll take the chair.” She put her plate and drink down and scanned her video collection in the bookshelf while Meryl eased onto the bed and braced her back against the headboard. “What do you feel like watching?” She didn’t get a response, so she turned to look at Meryl.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to finish our conversation from earlier.”
“Oh.” Angie swallowed. “Okay.”
“I mean if it’s all right with you.” Meryl’s face clouded over.
“It’s fine. I’m not sure where we left off.” Angie sat on the chair.
“I think I was in the process of telling you I don’t know if I’m straight.”
“Have you ever had any feelings toward women?”
“No.”
Angie’s heart sank.
“Not until now.” Meryl stared at Angie. “Not until I met you.”
Angie willed herself not to jump up and down with joy. Instead, she took a deep breath and thought before speaking. “Meryl, we’ve become good friends these past few months. Maybe things have been happening too fast. You might be confused—”
“Don’t tell me how I feel,” Meryl said sharply.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
Meryl set her plate aside. “No, I should be the one apologizing. It’s that my father and grandmother always insist on telling me how I feel. When it seemed like you were doing it, too, I reacted out of habit.”
Meryl scooted so that her legs were off the end of the bed, and she sat only a few feet away from Angie. “What I feel for you is more than what I feel for a friend. Much more. It scares me. But at the same time, I don’t want to let it go. I don’t want to let you go.”
Angie leaned forward. She hadn’t trusted herself to say how she was feeling or how she felt about Meryl from the day she first met her, but it was time for honesty.
Meryl brushed Angie’s bangs out of her eyes.
“You need a haircut,” Meryl said with a smile.
Angie captured her hand.
“How do you feel about me?” Meryl asked.
Angie drew Meryl’s hand to her lips and kissed her palm. “I think I fell for you the first day I saw you.”
Meryl’s eyes filled with tears. “You did?”
“But it doesn’t mean you have to return the feeling, Meryl. It’s my issue.”
“You didn’t mean what you just said?”
“No, no, I do.”
“I don’t understand, then.”
Angie ran her thumb along Meryl’s chin. It was so soft. “I don’t want you jumping into something you’d regret later. I don’t want either of us to be hurt.”
Meryl took hold of Angie’s hand and pressed it against her cheek. “I’d never hurt you.” Her voice broke.
“Oh, Meryl…”
“Could you kiss me? I mean… would you?”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Please?”
That single softly spoken word was Angie’s undoing. She knelt down on the floor in front of Meryl and questioned her one last time with a look before leaning forward and placing the gentlest of kisses on her lips.
With that touch, Angie lost her heart.
She pulled away, and Meryl’s eyes fluttered open.
“Can we do that again?” Meryl asked.
She didn’t wait for an answer. She brought her lips to Angie’s and ran her tongue along Angie’s lower lip. Angie stifled a moan, but opened her mouth to allow Meryl entrance. This time Angie did moan when their tongues touched. It was everything she imagined and more. She pressed closer to Meryl, lost in the dizzying sensation of falling… and falling.
Meryl ended the kiss. She pressed her forehead against Angie’s. “Wow,” she said with a smile. “That’s the best kiss I’ve ever had.”
Angie returned the smile. She wanted to pump her fist in the air, but remained on her knees.
“How about that movie now?” Meryl asked.
“Whatever you want to watch.”
They rose and walked to the bookshelf.
“You have Somewhere in Time. I love that movie.”
“It’s one of my favorites. I was just a kid when it came out, but one of the video clerks recommended it, and I fell in love with it.” Angie took the movie out of the box. “I’m holding out, but I haven’t been able to give up my videos yet for DVDs.”
“Videos are fine.” Meryl settled onto the bed again.
Angie switched off the light and started the movie. She turned to find Meryl holding out her hand.
“Will you join me?”
Angie sidled up next to Meryl. They sat against the headboard, shoulder to shoulder. Meryl kept hold of Angie’s hand as the opening scene played.
The old woman at Christopher Reeve’s party walked through his group of friends. She grasped Reeve’s shoulder and then held up the antique watch for him to take. She folded his hand shut, looking up at him with a haunted expression.
“Come back to me…”
* * *
The movie ended. They still were sitting on the bed, sniffling when Reeve rejoined Jane Seymour’s character in the afterlife. Angie hit the Stop button on the VCR.
Meryl wiped her cheeks. “No matter how many times I see that movie, I cry.”
Angie nodded. She’d tried to hold back her tears, but as always, lost the battle.
“It’s nice to know you’re as sentimental and romantic as I am.” Meryl used her thumb to catch a tear trailing down Angie’s cheek.
The glow from the TV screen cast Meryl’s face in a soft white light.
“It’s late. I have to get up early for my job at the bookstore,” Angie said. “I should probably walk you back to your dorm.”
“I don’t want to go.”
Angie’s pulse quickened. “Won’t you get in trouble for not making it in tonight?”
“Would you believe me
if I said I didn’t care?” Meryl asked. “Can I stay with you tonight? I mean sleep with you. That’s all. Nothing more than sleeping.”
“Yes. I’d like that.” Angie left the bed to get a pajama shirt that was two sizes too big on her. “Here, why don’t you sleep in this? I’ll change in the bathroom. You can undress while I’m gone.”
Angie returned to the bedroom dressed in a baggy Lehigh T-shirt and boxers. Meryl had covered herself with the quilt.
“You wear the school colors well. Have I ever told you that?” Meryl said.
Angie hoped the darkened room shielded her blush. “Thanks,” she murmured. She climbed under the quilt.
“If I lay on my side, will you hold me?” Meryl asked. “No one’s ever done that for me.”
Meryl rolled to her right side. Angie brought her left arm across Meryl’s body, careful to avoid Meryl’s breasts.
Meryl tugged Angie’s arm closer and sighed. “Perfect.” Her shallow breath brushed the hairs of Angie’s arm.
How can she sleep? I feel like every cell in my body is about to rupture from the most wonderful sensation I’ve ever known. But Angie eventually drifted off and joined Meryl in sleep.
* * *
“No! No!”
Angie jerked awake. Disoriented, she had to think about who was in her arms.
“No!” Meryl cried out again.
“Meryl.” Angie gently shook her. “Meryl, wake up.”
Meryl’s whole body shook. She bolted upright. Angie hurried to do the same.
“It’s okay. You were having a bad dream,” Angie said. She put her arm around Meryl and pulled her close. “I’m here with you.”
Meryl pressed her face against Angie’s chest. Her breathing slowly returned to normal.
“Do you remember the dream? It sounded like you were in pain.”
“No,” Meryl said. “I only know I was scared.” She was still shaking.
Angie stroked Meryl’s hair with her free hand. “You’re safe now. I won’t let anything hurt you.”
Meryl kept her face against Angie’s chest. Eventually, Meryl relaxed. Angie moved down in the bed and pulled Meryl with her, holding her in her arms.
“I won’t let anyone hurt you,” Angie whispered.
Chapter 8
New York City, Present Day
“When did you first feel safe, Meryl?” Robert, Meryl’s therapist, took a sip from his mug and placed it on the table between them. Her weekly sessions with him were helping, but still weren’t providing her the quick relief that she’d hoped for.
She sighed, recalling the feeling of security with Angie’s arm wrapped around her waist.
“With Angie.”
“How did she make you feel safe?”
“We watched a movie in her bedroom, and afterwards, I didn’t want to leave. We slept together that night for the first time. And I really mean sleep. She lay behind me and put her arm around my waist. I pulled her closer, and I felt then that no one could hurt me.”
Robert placed his fingers together, creating a steeple, and brought the index fingers to his mouth. He pursed his lips.
Meryl hated that look. She was barely able to resist the urge to roll her eyes. Here came the question out of left field…
“That’s interesting you put it that way. Who did you feel could hurt you?”
“We now know who that person was, but I had no idea then.”
“And this is when the dreams began?”
“Yes, that night, if I recall. Why are you asking me this? We’ve already gone over everything.”
“No. We established that you had to feel safe for your memories to break through. These past few months, you’ve been able to do that. But you hadn’t told me when you felt safe for the first time.”
Meryl stood up and walked to the window that overlooked the parking lot below. She watched while a woman struggled to put a toddler in a car seat.
“Angie comforted me that night. She woke me up when I cried out in my sleep. I couldn’t remember why, only that I was cold with fear.”
Robert didn’t respond. Meryl knew from experience he would let her talk, exorcizing whatever demons lay buried in her psyche.
“Almost from the day I met her, I felt I could trust her. But that night, when she pulled me close and I fell asleep again in her arms, it all clicked into place. She was the one. I was barely twenty, but I just knew. I only wish…”
“You only wish…”
She turned around to face him.
“I only wish I’d had the courage to stand up to my father. You don’t know how many nights I’ve lain awake wondering where she is, what’s she’s doing, who she’s with.” Her voice cracked. “Damn it.” She returned to the couch.
“We’ve talked about why you’ve been able to piece it all together.” Robert reached behind him for the tissue box. He held it out for Meryl to take one. “We’ve gone at your pace. I may have suspected things, but you had to come to this on your own.”
“Funny it had to take me hearing my father had pancreatic cancer to find out the truth about my past.” Meryl dabbed at her eyes.
“It’s unfortunate, but it was the trigger.”
“I wish none of this were true.”
“I know, Meryl.”
It was this kindness in Robert’s voice that kept her returning each week.
“I feel bad for my mother. None of this is her fault.”
“Have you given any more thought about talking to her?”
Meryl’s insides clenched at the possibility.
“I can’t. I know I should. She needs to understand why I’m not there in Pittsburgh and that it has nothing to do with the marriage fiasco. But I can’t.”
“Have the dreams gotten any better?”
“I’ve had more besides the one very vivid one. I dream about that house almost every night. There might be different people in the dreams who were unconnected with me then, but it’s still that damn house in every dream. And locks. The locks that appeared in the initial dreams show up sometimes.”
“We’ve talked about prescription antidepressants. I can schedule an appointment for you to see Dr. Lang for that. The medication could help.”
“I know drugs can be helpful, but I want to get through this on my own, if I can. I want to work through the dreams as much as possible. Then, if I need antidepressants later, I’ll take them.”
“Fair enough. We’re out of time for this session. Let me get my book, and I’ll see what’s available for you next week.” He left the room.
Meryl laid her head back against the cushion of the couch. “God, this sucks.”
Robert reentered the room. Meryl pulled a check from her purse and handed it to him. He flipped a page in his appointment book.
“Is next Wednesday at seven good for you?”
“Yes. And thanks again for seeing me so late for these appointments.”
“It’s never an issue for me.”
“You need to learn how to accept a thank-you, Robert.”
He chuckled as he scribbled the date on the card.
* * *
Meryl unlocked the door to her loft apartment. Malachi, her eight-year-old tabby, hopped down from his place on the cat perch at the floor-to-ceiling window that overlooked the street and hurried to greet her. He weaved in and out of her legs as she set her briefcase on the couch.
“I know, I know, big guy. These late appointments are annoying, aren’t they?”
He meowed in obvious agreement. He jumped up on the couch, sat back, and raised one paw in the air.
“You’re too damn cute.” She reached down and lifted him up into her arms. He assumed his favorite position: his front legs draped over her left shoulder while she cradled his butt with one hand and stroked his neck with the other. “Can we say ‘spoiled’?”
He answered her with a harsher meow, this time as if to scold her.
“Let me give you my undivided attention. I’ll never hear the end of it if I don’t.�
� She sat down and held his face next to hers, rubbing against his cheek as a mother cat would her young. His purring, which had begun when she started stroking his neck, intensified.
“Do you know how much I love you?” What she dubbed his “Geiger counter” kicked in, and his purrs turned into loud clicks. Meryl buried her face into his fur. Without warning, the emotion she’d held in check since she left Robert’s office poured out of her. She sobbed while rocking Malachi in her arms, giving in to the pain that lay buried deep inside.
After a few minutes, she pulled her face away. Malachi ran his rough tongue over her cheeks to catch the tears.
“Your mom’s a mess, huh?” Meryl sniffed.
He jumped down and swished away with his tail in the air.
“Oh, you just realized you’re pissed at me for neglecting you?”
In answer, he walked over to his dish, sat down, and glowered at her.
“Food. God forbid I’d forget to feed you.”
Meryl went to the cabinet to scoop out his meal. He ate ravenously, causing little pieces of food to push out over the edge of the bowl and scatter onto the floor.
“Give me a break. It’s not like you’re wasting away.”
She kicked off her shoes on the way to the bedroom. After stripping down, she stepped into the shower.
Dousing her head under the spray, she let the pulsing stream run down her back. She rolled her shoulders and tried to relieve the knotted tension. As she often did when she got home, she replayed her session with Robert in her mind.
“Angie.” Meryl said the name reverently, almost like the opening of a prayer.
* * *
Lehigh University, Fall 1997
The night spent sleeping together began a new stage of intimacy between Meryl and Angie. When alone, they held hands, caressed each other’s face, and shared kisses. Meryl sensed she was on a precipice, but she wasn’t frightened. If she chose to take the next step, she felt she’d free-fall into a new life. And as long as Angie was there to catch her, she knew it would be okay.
One autumn evening, they strolled under the overhanging branches of the trees that lined the campus streets. They walked close, their shoulders brushing together with each step. Meryl longed to take hold of Angie’s hand, but seeing the other nearby students, thought better of it. The cool night air vibrated with the soothing, hypnotic song of the crickets. Meryl shivered. Angie shrugged off her Lehigh Mountain Hawks jacket and placed it around Meryl’s shoulders.
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